Thank you everyone for your positive reviews. Now, what mayhem will Alucard cause today?
"Alucard, sir." Pip began as he slowly turned into another street. He was hoping to be stopped soon by members of Hellsing and escorted back, but so far, there was nobody following him.
"What?" Alucard asked, tilting his chair back. Pip opened his mouth, but closed it, changing his mind at the last second. He had been about to ask if the vampire still wanted this tour, but decided it was no use.
"Is zere any place you wanted to see?" Pip asked instead, resigning himself to the task at hand. "A night-club. Take me to a good nightclub." Alucard said after a moment's worth of thinking. He slowly reached up and lower the brim of his hat to cover his eyes.
"But, sir."
"What now?"
"It's ze daytime. No nightclubs are even open at zis hour." Pip tried to explain. Alucard lifted his hat and fixed Pip with a crimson glare. "I said, that I wanted to go to a nightclub. Take me."
Pip mentally shrugged, giving up. "Of course sir. My mistake." Alucard repositioned his hat over his eyes. "Damn right.…"Pip cruised around, trying desperately to think of a club he had not yet received a restraining order from. This took well over an hour, but it didn't seem to matter, Alucard was snoring in the chair beside him.
Still, he didn't want him to wake up and not be at a nightclub, so he resorted to stopping at a gas station and buying a list of all the closest hot spots. After crossing off the first ten (or twenty) from the list, he settled on a club that was only about another hour's drive away. It had a stupid name, (Party-Hardy!) and that was probably the reason that Pip had never paid a visit.
Alucard regained consciousness just as they were pulling into the deserted parking lot. Alucard stepped out of the car, and looked around bewilderedly. He turned to Pip. "Where the hell are we?"
"A night club sir, just as you requested." Pip told him, as confused as ever. Alucard surveyed the area one more time. "A nightclub? Why in the hell would I want to go to a nightclub!"
"I-I don't know" Pip stammered. Alucard rounded on him. "You're damn right you don't know! But I do. I wanted to go to a nightclub because I did!"
Pip pretended as if Alucard was making any sense. Slowly, Pip was beginning to believe in Integra's PMS story more and more. "If this is a nightclub," Alucard continued, "Where are the people? Why isn't there any music!"
"Sir, it-is-day-time." Pip stressed. Alucard gave him a sour look. "This place is crap." He said, climbing back into the car. Pip followed after him. "Well zen sir, where to now?" Pip asked, his apprehension giving way into annoyance.
"How 'bout a bar?"
Pip walked into a solid wall of cigarette smoke and the stench of alcohol as the doors to the Winchester pub closed behind him, sealing him inside with the psychopath he called 'sir'.
'I cannot believe zis. Ze great nosferatu Alucard, in an old English pub and suffering from what is surprisingly like the original PMS.' Alucard wandered around the bar. '…Oh shit, I'm going to die aren't I?' Pip sat down, sweating heavily and his eye kept darting around for dark omens. The bartender looked over. "You want a drink pal?"
"Several." Pip said quickly, loosening the neck of his shirt. "And make it fast, eh? I'll be needing them." He told him, watching Alucard laugh with the bouncers by the door.
Seras was driving slowly through town, half of her holiday shopping completed, but she still needed a good present for Walter and Alucard. Seras had a sudden feeling that Walter would be very pleased with long, woolen, thermal socks.
So sure was she in this belief, she turned right around and headed to the closest JC Penny's she could find. As she made her way, she passed a large, handsome building where some kind of smoke seemed to be drifting under the door.
She pulled over to the side of the road. One car had Hellsing plates on it. She sensed the presence of her Master within the building, and read the wooden sign above the front doors. "Winchester". Immediately she knew it was a pub, the picture of a crossed beer bottle and a foaming mug sort of gave it away. And then, slowly, her mind clicked as it put two and two together.
The Winchester was a pub.
Her Master was inside it.
Her eyes widened so much it looked painful. "Oh dear god…….Oh, no." Her eye was twitching again and she shivered in the cooling air. Night was falling. She forced herself to park the car and enter the pub, somehow managing to resist the urge to runfar, far, away screaming her head off.
When she entered, she spotted her master immediately. He was talking rather loudly, mostly complaints about something or another, and spilling beer all over the counter top. Seras approached slowly.
"You know Pip, el captain!" Alucard started laughing. "I really, really love beeeerrr….." He said, his words slurring. "But that blonde! What's 'er-name? She won't even let me drink anymo'! That Hellsing…can be so-,sooo-"
"Pushy?" Pip asked, a little flushed himself.
"Bitchy." Alucard corrected. "Yeessss. That's the word I vas lookin' for. Bitchy! Like she's Queen of England. Queen of the WORLD! She won't let me get drunk anymore. All because of one little incident when I met the last Queen and she insulted me! Called me a bloodsucking fiend! ME!"
"You're sloshed aren't you?" Pip asked. Alucard continued as though he didn't hear him.
"Well, this was Integra's first time meeting a Queen and it was during a ball and everything. I had had some drinks, it had been twenty years since I had a drink of anything, and I deserved one I thought.…one thing led to another." Alucard broke off and took a long swig from his bottle of scotch.
"No, no," Pip said, waging his finger. "You started this, now you have to finish it! Tell us what happened."
Seras just now noticed two bouncers on the other side of Alucard listening in. She edged closer. "Well," Alucard resumed, "I went right up to that woman's face and I put my middle finger an inch away from her bulbous nose and took her to go fuck off!" Pip snorted into her glass and the bouncers roared with laughter.
"Needless to say, old Queenie was not very happy. Called me some more names and ordered her guards to 'escort' Integra and I outside. Now, I'm not sure that you know…"Alucard said, pouring his liquor into a glass, "But the Queen was a heavy smoker. She also used a lot of hair gel. I hadn't realized this. And it was very lucky that the Casull hadn't been made yet or I might've shot her by accident. But, I was too drunk to focus so I simply ripped the cigarette from her mouth and buried it in her hair."
"A second later and the whole thing was aflame. They put her out quickly, and Integra just barely made it out more or less unscathed because the King had been laughing so hard. And besides, what were they going to do? Shoot me? HA!" Alucard reached for his glass, but the bartender got to it first.
"I think you've had enough buddy."
"If you want to keep your head on your shoulders, then you'll get off my glass." The bartender backed off, as Alucard's eyes rolled over in his head. "That's what I thought….be-a-tch!"
"Master?"
Pip whirled around, and ended up falling off of the barstool. "What do you want Police Girl?" Alucard asked, taking Pip's advice and turning slowly.
"I think we should get you home, Master." Seras told him firmly. Alucard stared at her for a moment before laughing again. His face was about as red as the coat he loved so much. "Look at you Police Girl! Taking charge. That's something new."
Seras frowned at him, but he didn't notice. "Look, Police Girl, I'm out here, and enjoying myself. I'm not done either. So, unless you have the strength to take me home by force, (which you don't,) then I'm staying right here!" With that, Alucard fell to the floor face-down, passed-out.
"Put 'im in my car girlie, I'll drive him." Pip attempted to stand, but only slid back down to the floor again. "Just gimme a sec." Seras raised a hand to her temple. Five minutes later, Pip managed to get up, and stay on his feet for more than five seconds at a time. Together, Seras and Pip carried Alucard out of the Winchester and placed him in the Mercedes.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Seras asked the captain. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fiiinnne…"He said with a hic at the end. Not the most reassuring. Seras shook her head and walked back to her car.
Pip started the engine, and pulled away from the Winchester. The bouncers were waving good-bye. Pip gave them a quick salute, but as they got about a block away, he felt cold metal pressed firmly into the back of his head.
"Drive" said the voice from the back. Pip put his foot on the gas and continued, trying to keep his calm. He checked his watch. It was nearing midnight. 'Time flies vhen your having fun….' Pip thought to himself. 'How the hell do I keep getting into zese situations?' He asked silently, the alcohol-induced haze beginning to clear. 'I-have-ze-worst-luck!'
Beside him, Alucard started mumbling in his sleep. " A hundred and one number of Freaks down the hall…ya' pick one out, blast it about, 100 number of Freaks down the hall……."
"What's wrong with him?" The carjacker asked, waving his gun toward Alucard. Pip shrugged in the front seat. "I have no idea how to explain" He said truthfully.
"Are you talkin' to me? You talking to me! You must be out of your mind!-"
"That guy is seriously drunk isn't he?" The carjacker asked with a laugh. "Look at him! He's hammered! Totally shit-faced man!"
"Watch your language…! Anderson…if you don't shut up…."
"Where are we going, man?" Pip asked their uninvited guest.
"Shut up, you don't speak unless spoken to!" The carjacker replied.
"…then I am soooo going to kick your ass…"
A few car lengths behind them, Seras was totally confused. "Where does he think he's going? I knew I shouldn't have let him drive." But then Seras saw part of the car move as it passed over a pothole. Alucard's door was sliding open, the seatbelt had been caught when it had been closed before. And what was worse, Alucard was now sliding out of the car.
It happened in a matter of seconds. Pip's car hit another bump, and Alucard's body flopped out of the car, hit the road, bounced and then was hit by Seras who was too slow in her attempt to stop. The momentum from her car punted Alucard far in front of Pip who had now pulled over to the side of the road.
Pip clambered out of the car and along with Seras, ran over to Alucard. "HOLY SHIT MAN! I AM NOT A PART OF THIS!" screamed a voice from within Pip's car. Seras turned to Pip, but he shook his head before she could speak.
"Don't bother." He said. Alucard, on the other hand, had reawakened and now was slowly crawling to his feet. "Where am I?" he asked. But two things soon became apparent. 1) The acohol was still in his system.
2) (For some unfathomable reason) He was once again in a bad mood. He was pissed off to put it lightly.
"Police Girl! Bernadette! Why are we standing in the road! And why is my head throbbing!" Alucard demanded.
"Oh-my-god….YOU SHOULD BE FREAKIN' DEAD MAN!" shouted the carjacker. Alucard looked back. "Shut up! Your voice is giving me a headache." Alucard turned back to Seras and Pip. "Which one of you hit me?"
"Th-this, This ain't natural man!" The carjacker stuttered. A flash of extreme anger passed over Alucard's face, and next thing anybody knew, he was pointing the Jackal straight at the Mercedes.
"Motherf&#-!You wannadie! Do you want to f'ing die tonight! Asshole, if you want to live to see tomorrow, then you'd better shut the hell up! Damn!" The carjacker said nothing in response now that a gun was aimed at him. Alucard turned back to Seras and Pip, gun still pointed in the other direction at the car. "Now, which one of you morons hit me!"
He pointed the Jackal at Pip, but as soon as he did, the Mercedes engine revved. Pip and Seras threw themselves to the side as the carjacker ran Alucard over. At least, he tried.
The Mercedes folded around Alucard's knees, and the carjacker slammed into the dashboard, moaning. Alucard voice rang out into the night."SON OF A-!" The carjacker looked up and escape from the car just as Alucard emptied a clip into it.
The resulting explosion could be heard for miles.
Pip and Seras were smart enough to be out of the way, but the would-be car thief was blown into a building wall, and knocked unconscious. Alucard emerged from the wreckage, unscathed, and looking slightly more relaxed.
Seras and Pip decided it was best to flee the scene as soon as possible, so they ushered Alucard into the backseats of Seras' car, where he could lay down slightly and tore out of there. (Seras driving)
Pip leaned back, laughing out of stress and shock. "What now?" He asked to no one. But from out of the back, Alucard's voice answered;
"Let's go to a nightclub"
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