"Claudia," Abby said from the bathroom of the barn. "Claudia are you listening to me?" Abby stuck her head out the bathroom to see CJ sitting on the bed with a laptop in between her stretched out legs. She clearly was not listening to Abby. "Claudia Jean." Abby said a little demandingly as she approached the bed. CJ looked up.
"Huh?"
"Did you hear me?"
"No, I'm sorry I didn't. Annabelle sent me this email regarding your schedule, you're leaving for Morocco next week. How did I loose track of that? I have you completely scheduled for meetings next week."
"I thought you were going to place my schedule in Annabelle's capable hands?"
"I was. I should have. Carol did check with her and then I changed what Carol had done." She looked at Abby apologetically. Abby returned the look.
"Claudia there are people far more capable than you at handling my schedule."
"I know."
"And lets be honest when you or I interfere things fall apart."
"I'm emailing Carol and Annabelle now. They'll fix it. And I will stay out of it for now on. My powers of organization are clearly lacking."
"Clearly."
"So, what am I supposed to be listening to?"
"The ball. I wanted run an idea by you before I went to Jed with it. So, we are inviting the public to the ball. However, there are security concerns regarding the Governor." CJ laughed. "What's so funny?"
"I think its cute that you call him the Governor when you've been married for over 20 years."
"Well, its easier to think of him as a Governor than Jed in a conversation like this. Anyway, I'm thinking that we expand on your public nomination process and give everyone a full weekend of events and activities. It will allow the State Police the opportunity to run the necessary checks and anyone that they find questionable I will meet with."
"So, then your safety will be at risk?"
"It just a once over test. Make sure they look sane you know. What do you think?"
"I'm all for anything that will make the Police feel better about the Governor's security, but Jed will agree with me on this, your safety is not up for debate. It would devastate him and me if something happened to you. Why don't you send in Toby?"
"Toby's not exactly congenial. He would scare them off."
"Only the non psychotic ones. Then you can weed out your candidate pool. Besides this is what Toby does. And what he is good at. Besides the man has been married for a few years, he has to have a soft side somewhere to get a woman like Andy."
"I think she may have sadomastic tendencies."
"Ewwe Abby. I don't need that picture in my head. Eitherway, Toby is charming and funny. Even though mostly he can be an ass."
"True. Ok. So, I suggest Toby."
"Yeah, plus Annabelle says that the she is getting nominations for very interesting people to attend. So, you should a good time."
"You're not coming?"
"I hadn't planned on it." Abby gave her a pathetic look. "Come on don't look at me like that. I don't want to stand around in ball gown while you and Jed play nice with people. Plus you two thrive on that stuff I just stand there thinking of ways I can shimmy down the drain pipe without ripping my dress."
"You could bring Brooke then you won't be alone."
"Why is this so important to you?"
"I take you didn't read the rest of my schedule. Following the ball I will be in London, Greece, Johannesburg, Holland and Dubai for 15 days. I will be back for a few days, then gone with Jed on some tour of the State he wants to do. Pre-election stuff. We won't see each other for close to a month. Not including the time leading up to the ball that I'll be traveling and in the capital."
"You travel too much."
"I know. Going into the next year I want to cut back so I can be with the kids more. Besides most of these trips are because Barrington are finalizing some really important projects. Once they're finalized they will be Jamie's territory. I'll be completely out of it."
"Fine I'll come to the ball. And I'm bringing Brooke. I guess I can pick up a dress when we take the girls shopping for dresses for the spring formal."
"Oh My God. I'm gonna miss that. I'm like the worse mother in the world." Abby grabbed her phone.
"Don't worry Annabelle has put it on your calendar. I'll call you from the store and you can see what we're looking at."
"I still feel like a bad mother. I should be here for the important things."
"You will be. Helping her get ready, that's important. I'm pretty sure Brooke and I bought my first formal. I don't even remember if Mom was there. Plus its not like this is the first formal Zoey ever attended. She's been to tons of these events with you and the Governor."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Abby, you're a great Mom. Zoey and Cullen know that. And its not gonna change. Ok?"
"Ok."
"So what are you wearing to the ball?"
"I don't know. A few designers have contacted me about wearing them. Annabelle found a local designer that has some pretty great pieces. I might wear one of his."
"Just make sure he shows off your best features."
"Which are?"
"Umm… well, let me think." CJ screwed up her face. "Your brain definitely your brain."
"My brain is my best feature? That's it you like my brain the best."
"Definitely. Your eyes are pretty good too. And your breast. Those are amazing, but make sure he doesn't forget the brain."
"Claudia your silly. Are you ready for bed?"
CJ put all the papers off to the side. "Yeah. You staying all night."
"Yeah. The kids are in the capital with Jed. I'm all yours."
"What will we do with all those free hours?"
"Try not to wake Brooke and Hayden."
XXXX
Jed Bartlett was having a good day. He had signed the bill he promised his constituents when running for election. This morning he had a lovely breakfast with his children and he decided that Zoey did not know enough about math. Over Toby's objective, he instructed the trooper to stop at a local book store. His plan was to pick up Newton's the Principia - in latin of course. Zoey's latin had come a long way. He marveled at how much information his daughter could absorb even as she rolled her eyes at his love of all things arcane.
The minute he approached the counter the clerk recognized him. "Governor, it's a pleasure to meet you."
"Thank you sir. It's a fine book store you have here. Now do you arrange your rare books by the dewey decimal system,"
"Yes sir we do."
"Good. I feel vindicated. Abby thinks I'm crazy because I insist our library be arranged the same way."
The man smiled from ear to ear. "Sir I just want to tell you what a fine job I think you're doing. Even with the mess that was left behind by the other guy. You've really cleaned it up in the capital."
"Thanks its always good to get a ringing endorsement," Jed paid the man and took his packages.
As he stepped into the sunshine he noticed a couple arguing on the street. He turned towards his car when he heard the man yell. "You Stupid Fucking Bitch! You will never leave me!"
*Pop* *Pop* *Pop* The officers were on him before he could react. It was disorienting to be whisked away like that, but he looked around to make sure that all the men that were assigned to protect him were fine. They seemed to be, everyone was barking orders and his head felt woozy. I'll shut my eyes for a little while. He thought. He felt the warm liquid on his neck. Someone grabbed him and again orders were barked. He closed his eyes.
XXXX
Abby buttoned the jacket on her black suit. She knew that she would never be able to wear it again. Fixing her make-up had been a trial; foundation and powder so she wouldn't look faded on the cameras; mascara, lipstick, eye liner and eye shadow – not so much that people would think she was putting on a show, but enough. Just enough. She had always been meticulous about applying her make-up. She ran the ritual in her head so she wouldn't forget what to do today. Today. She couldn't quite wrap her mind around what had happened.
She looked at herself in the mirror – never again would she put this on. She looked stoic, she was sure that's what Jed would think, he would make some joke about her earrings being perfect and the shoes looking the best with this suit. Then he would say, "for the love of god Abby can we please leave this room." She needed him now. He would say the thing that would make the hurt and pain go away, but there wasn't any pain. Just an emptiness; incompleteness that she didn't expect.
Today was Jed's funeral. Last week they had spoken on the phone about this summer's vacation plans. Jed wanted to tour DC, Abby wanted to lay on a beach somewhere. She couldn't remember whether or not she had laughed at him and told him that she loved him. Was there last moment memorable for him? Did he know that he was important in her world? Did he understand he meant more to her than she ever thought possible. Or was it just another fruitless conversation about a future that would never come to pass.
"Abby are you ready?" Leo's voice shocked her back into consciousness. She turned to the man dressed in a black suit – a suit that she knew he would never wear again – that he would have worn on any other day. He looked sad and she couldn't bring herself to comfort him; to let him know that she had lost her best friend too.
"Yeah." They left her bedroom and got in the waiting sedan. It would be a very public funeral. When the governor of the state dies, there is no possibility of having a private affair. Zoey sat on one side of her and Cullen sat on the other. Both gripping their mother's hand. They walked in the church together the same way. Jed's parents had come as well as his brother. She didn't want to deal with the drama they brought along. She found herself looking around the cathedral for Jed and it was like a slap when she realized that he was in the casket.
This has to be a dream. It has to be. She said to herself over and over. She listened to the priest, and went through the motions of the catholic service she knew well. Then Leo got up to give the Eulogy.
"Good Morning. "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away", these are the words that keep running through my head. One day sitting in pews similar to these, I met Josiah Bartlett. Those were the priest words that day, Jed leaned over to me after the service and said, "Well, he screwed that up." I was 11 and never had I heard someone question a priest, but that was Jed. He knew scripture and knew what every line meant. He believed in few things, his faith, his family, and his state. He was a friend when I needed one the most – and when I was at my lowest point he picked me up. My life is less without him today. I knew him as a bold and kind and caring man, and when I sat down to write his eulogy I disregarded story after story of his work and his life. Newspapers all over the state will tell that story.
We were sharing a small apartment in the middle of the city. He was studying for the priesthood. Jed was sitting in the window trying desperately to get a breeze. He would say later he looked out the window and saw a vision – Abigail Barrington. He raced down the stairs in hopes of getting a closer look. He searched the street for a few minutes before he saw her in a store. He pulled himself together and walked in. Introducing himself and obviously saying something interesting enough to win her affection. When he returned to the apartment that day, he pulled out the enrollment guide and immediately changed his major. The day he met Abby was the beginning of the best days of his life.
Today we are left in our lives an unmistakable void. We will miss you my dear friend forever."
Abby remembered the day well. She looked up from a dress to see a young man in slacks and t-shirt. She was immediately attracted to him. His essence approached before he did. He did have to say anything she was already impressed. She knew from that first meeting that he would be a permanent part of her life.
A tear fell from her eye, she felt empty.
XXXX
"Lt. Governor Mark Makitdridge was sworn in this afternoon as the new Governor of our state. Last month Governor Josiah Bartlett was shot outside of a local bookstore. The Governor had taken some time out of his busy schedule to do a little shopping. In a random act of violence he was shot by a stray bullet fired at a young woman standing a few feet from the Governor. The suspect, 25 year old Avery Bennett, has been hospitalized. Doctors have said he is suffering from a psychotic break."
The screen flashed to a picture of Abby at the funeral covered from head to toe in a black: suit, sun glasses and hat. CJ thought briefly that she looked stoic, every bit the suffering widow, but Abby was not there. CJ breathed hard as the news casters continued.
"The First Lady Abigail Bartlett did not attend the Barrington Foundations annual board meeting. Barrington Fund Manager Claudia Jean Cregg briefly explained Mrs. Bartlett's absence by saying that she is taking care of her children and family in their time of grief. In other news..."
As the news reporter moved on, CJ flicked off the TV. It had been 18 days since Jed's shooting and Abby had been completely comatose and the other Bartlett's were whirling from the event. Abby had taken to her bed. She refused to move or speak to anyone – her children, CJ, her father, her aunt or her grandmother.
Abigail had left her home in London to move in with Abby. She had never seen her granddaughter this way. No one had expected Jed's death, but no one had expected Abby to crumble quite the way she had.
Cullen had taken to sleeping in his parents' bedroom at the foot of his mother's bed. He would eat only in her presence and everyday he would give Abby the run down of his day. Everyone expected her snap out it until Cullen one day asked CJ what would happen to them if Abby died too. While Cullen clung to his mother, Zoey had locked herself in her room. The only person she would speak with was Hayden. It had gotten so bad that Abigail had arranged for Zoey to have a leave of absence from school.
The house was in a constant state of grief and what everyone feared most was that if Abby didn't pull it together neither would her children.
CJ had struggled about what to do. Helping Abby through this was of the up most importance; not just for her sake, but for the kids as well. She had tried everything she could think of short of throwing freezing cold water on Abby. She knew that Abby had been eating at least something at night, but not enough to sustain her. She feared that eventually they would have to hospitalize Abby. She didn't want it to get that far.
The elevator in the Barrington building let her off on the 35 floor – the executive offices. "Hey, Kim." She said to the young secretary at the desk.
"Hey CJ. He's just ending a call. He'll be ready for you in a moment. How's Mrs. Bartlett?"
"She's doing as well as can be expected." CJ gave a small smile. She didn't know how much Kim knew about Abby current mental state. James Barrington was an intensely private man and couldn't imagine him confiding in anyone. Though, Kim had worked for him for a few years and probably knew everything about him. CJ had learned long ago that brief and vague statements were the best way to operate around here.
The inner office door opened to reveal, James Barrington. "CJ, come in. Thanks for coming up."
"No problem Mr. Barrington." James motioned to one of the chairs.
"Call me James. Mother says nothing has changed in Abby's condition."
"No, she is eating. I have determined that, but she is not currently speaking or acknowledging anyone."
"I didn't think it would hit her this hard."
"She loved Jed. I can't imagine she was prepared for this. Even with him being the Governor."
"I just… I never considered that loosing Jed would tear her apart like this. You maybe, but not Jed."
"He is… was her best friend. She loved him as much as any woman loves her husband. They fit together in a way that I'm not sure many understood."
"I just always assumed it was an act. For the cameras; for us. Especially when you and she… I thought she didn't want her mother to think she had won." He studied CJ, she didn't see uncomfortable though she shifted a little in her chair. "Does it bother you?"
"Her loving Jed? No. He was a great man. He was funny and smart. And nothing could come between them. No one knew her like Jed did. I'm not sure she felt understood until Jed. They had a bond that was unbreakable. It bothers me that her children may loose her."
He finally got it. Abby had managed to love two people at one time, something he could never do. He had let his loss over loosing Marissa destroy any chance he had had at happiness with Elizabeth. Even more he had created tension in his house the invariably affected his children.
"What do you think will help?"
"We have tried everything. Telling her how much she's needed. How Zoey and Cullen need her? I think maybe if Elizabeth would speak with her." CJ trailed off.
"What would that accomplish?"
"Abby has done so much in her life to spite Elizabeth. If spite gets her out of bed, then we can start there. If not I think you and Abigail will have to consider hospitalizing her."
"I will speak with Elizabeth." CJ left.
James Barrington returned home. He walked into the library to find Elizabeth cleaning her bookshelves again. This was the fourth time in as many weeks. He knew her well enough to know that this meant she was trying to work through something.
"Elizabeth?"
"Yes, James." She did not let up from her task.
"Will you take a moment and speak with me." They always had a formality about them. He knew that for most people Elizabeth was a cold and unfeeling woman. However, he knew her in some of her most tender moments. The first day she held Abby or when she would purchase a new book. He found her amazingly insightful and often helped him work through the things that worried him the most. She could be terribly logical. If she were born in a different time and place he didn't know where she would be.
She climbed off the ladder and turned to him wiping her hands. "I'm concerned about Abby. She is not herself. Jed's death has destroyed her and the children simply cannot handle her continued break down. Mother is at her wits end and nothing any of us say seem to get through to her."
"She's grieving." Elizabeth said rather matter of factly.
"Its beyond grief, Elizabeth, she's debilitated." He ran his hair threw her hair, something he often did when he was stressed. It was a trait that Jamie had inherited.
"She just lost her husband in a senseless act. What do you expect?"
"I didn't expect her to break without him."
"She planned to spend her life with this man. Why can no one grasp the possibility that her feelings for Jed are just as strong as they are for that woman?" She yelled at him, whipping her body back towards the shelves.
"Elizabeth?" His tone had softened quite a bit. "Why are you cleaning the bookshelves?"
"I spoke with Jamie. He informed me of Abby's condition. I… I can't help my child James. And its all my fault." She turned to him with tears in her eyes.
"I think you can. Maybe if you. If someone she doesn't…" He trailed off.
"She doesn't trust. I know James; you don't have to sugar coat it."
"Trust wasn't the right word. Look, she would expect the rest of us to try to pick her up and to keep all the pieces in the air. If you went, maybe it will make a difference. If nothing else, you have always aroused a reaction out of her. At least try."
XXXX
A few hours later
Elizabeth walked threw the doors of Abby and Jed's bedroom. Her eyes swept the room and saw Abby in bed. Abby looked past her unseeing. Margaret at CJs instructions had begun opening every blind in her bedroom. She pulled a chair up to Abby's bed and leaned down to her.
"I wasn't a very good mother to you. It's the only way I knew, cold indifference and constant ridicule. And I thought it worked, I had raised a daughter that understood the world wasn't her friend. That there was no one in the world she could trust like she trusted herself and that's who you put your hopes and dreams in. And you grew up and became successful. I thought brilliant, she won't succumb to the complacency in her life that I did. She will be better. And you were. Until now.
"I watched you with your children. You had managed to do what I never could, give warmth and support. And still create children that were worthy to be born of the three most powerful families in the region. But now you are destroying them, you are destroying the Bartlett name and legacy. And you are accepting less than what you are.
"I suspect that Jed would be so disappointed in you right now. I think he saw in you what CJ sees, and what I saw you in your father. A fire that could not be hampered. At least that's what I always thought." She got up and headed for the door. Abby didn't move. "Abby if you want to die because Jed's dead then please get it over with. Don't continue to string the people that love you along."
"Why do you care?" Abby's voice was clear. She still hadn't rolled over, but Elizabeth turned back towards the door.
"Because you're my child. I've cared since the day you were born." Elizabeth left.
XXX
Cullen did what he did every evening. He brought his dinner and his mother's to her bedroom. (The staff at Margaret's instruction always prepared a tray that they left near Abby and Jed's bedroom for Cullen.) He would put her plate on her nightstand and sit down and eat his dinner. Today, when he entered the room Abby was not in bed. "Mommy!" He dropped the plates he was carrying. Where had she gone? What happened? Abby came from the bathroom wrapping her robe around her body.
"Cullen whats wrong?" His yell had scared her.
"I thought… I thought you left forever like Daddy."
"Oh sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere." He ran to her and the force of his body knocked her over. "I'm sorry I scared you. I'm really really sorry." Her son wept in her arms. After a few moments, she pulled him back. "Cullen I'm sorry I haven't been able to take care of you."
"I tried to take care of you." The little boy looked up at his mother with a tear stained face.
"I know. And you did such a good job. Thank you baby." Margaret came in, she couldn't contain her smile when she saw that Abby was out of bed. "Margaret would you have someone clean this up?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"Also, tell chef we will be having dinner the dining room." She turned to finish getting dressed, Cullen was right on her heels. "I'll be right back," she said to him and waited for him to slowly acknowledge her. She knew that she had destroyed his security. She would spend the rest of his life trying to piece it back together. "Go tell your great-grandmother that we all will be having dinner in the dining room."
"Even Zoey?"
"Yes." He took off running. Abby dressed in jeans and one of Jed's tee-shirts. They smelled like him and felt like he was there with her. She left her bedroom and walked three doors down to her daughter's. She gently knocked and when no one answered she tried the door. Zoey was sitting at her desk furiously typing.
"Zoey?" At the sound of her mother's voice her fingers paused. When they began again they were slower, then they stopped all together. Her shoulders shook. Abby rushed to her wrapping her arms around her. "Its ok, baby. Its ok. I'm here. I'm here." She whispered into her daughter's hair. Zoey stopped crying. She looked at her mother as if trying to convince herself that her mother was really here.
"I want him back."
"I know. So, do I." they cried together a while. "For him we have to put ourselves back together. Ok?" Zoey shook her head. "We have to. The three of us. He wouldn't want to see us like this. So, let's start small. Let's have dinner together. You don't have to eat much." Abby held out her hand to Zoey, who clutched it and stood with her mother.
They walked downstairs together, into the dining room. Abigail came to them both and hugged them. She looked at Abby. "I don't know what she said to you, but I take back every bad thought I ever had about her." She brushed her granddaughter's hair out of her face. "The cook is in a frenzy making your favorite's Zoey." The truth is the cook had made Abby's or Zoey's favorites every day since Jed's death. Zoey hadn't ever eaten more than her salad.
They sat at the table as dinner was served. Cullen told his mother about school and Abby tried to be as engaged as she could. Abigail filled in the holes when she couldn't. Dinner was hard but Abby knew it was a step. When Abby tried to put Cullen to bed he insisted on staying with her. He joined her and it wasn't very long before Zoey came in as well.
Abby stared off into the room as her children lay in her arms sleeping. She thought about Jed. Trying to imagine what he would say if he saw her right now. Someone knocked at the door. She raised her head as CJ entered.
"Claudia." She smiled at the sight of the taller woman. Her broken heart warmed.
"Hi, I just wanted to see how you are? Abigail told me you had dinner with them tonight."
"I don't know. I'm here." Abby gave her a weak smile.
"Good. Good. I'm gonna head back to the barn and tell Hayden Zoey is with you. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight Claudia. Thank you for checking in."
XXXXX
"Did you speak with her?" Abigail said.
"A little not much."
"I don't know what you said to James that made him talk to Elizabeth and I don't know what Elizabeth to Abby, but whatever it was I am truly grateful."
"She just needed to be reminded that she was needed here too."
"Claudia Jean are you ok."
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just worried about Abby. That's all." She tried to physically shake away the feeling of helplessness. She had done all she could, but she knew Abby. She knew that she had a tendency to shut down instead of fight. What if Abby decided to shut down and shut her out.
"The fear of loosing her isn't selfish."
"How is it not? She just lost her husband she's allowed to grieve. Who am I to expect her to put it aside?"
"Claudia you're being too hard on yourself. You can't expect her to shake it off like nothing has happened. But when we loose someone we care about it takes a toll on us and it can change us. And its ok for those around us to feel the loss. You knew Jed; you cared about him. I know he considered you a friend. More importantly he knew how important you are to Abby, which made him trust you in a way that I think he only trusted Abby and Leo.
"But no one expects you to make your feelings and fears subordinate to Abby's. If you can't talk to her about it, come to me or Brooke. You're gonna take care of her because you love her, but you need to be here on the other end. She's going to need you now more than ever." Abigail gave CJ a big hug.
The taller woman didn't know if Abigail was right. She felt horrible for being happy that Abby had had dinner in the dining room; that she was coming out of her grief. It was selfish to be happy wasn't it?
XXXXXX
CJ stood in her newly renovated warehouse. The furniture would go in tomorrow, but today she surveyed the stone counters and open spaces with pride. It had been a bit of a uphill battle, first finding the right place, the right architect, fighting with Abby and then watching Abby and Brooke fight about the finishes. The last part wasn't nearly as nerve racking; Abby and Brooke seemed to enjoy it more than anything else. She loved this place, and maybe she would actually be able to bring her baby here one day.
One day. A few months ago, one day was never. She never considered the possibility that she would have children with the person she loved the most. She always found her relationship with Abby to fragile. She knew that Abby loved her, but she couldn't turn a blind eye to the fact that she was married. A very public marriage.
Then everything had changed. Jed was dead and Abby had not recovered. Her dream could have become a reality if he was alive, but CJ was sure that his death had marked the end of her dream. She didn't know if it would mark the end of her and Abby. She closed her eyes. Imagining the furniture exactly where it would go. This was not her home. Until she could share it with Abby it wouldn't be.