R/RWhen you go all I know is that it's the perfect ending to the bad day I've gotten used to spending. All I know when you go its my favorite mistake ~ Sheryl Crow

Abby sat in her sedan staring at the house they had pulled up to. Thomas remained quiet. He waited for his boss to give some indication that she was ready to exit the vehicle. Abby gripped the door handle willing herself to push it open. 'One step at a time,' she said to herself. 'One step.'

She let go of the handle and sat back. She felt the tears welling in her eyes and willed them away. She took a deep breath. "Ok Thomas." The man quickly got out of the car and walked around to open the door. He held out his hand to help and she took it more out of habit than consciousness. She couldn't help but remember all the times she had reached for Jed's hand to get out of a waiting vehicle.

"Thank you." She said quietly he dipped his hat and waited for her to enter the house. She rang the bell of the house and a young man answered. He looked at her in awe. Amazed that the person before him was Abigail Bartlett. He had admired her for years,. Hhe wanted to gush but he knew that the reason she chose this place was for anonymity. The doctor was known for that.

"Dr. Anders will be right with you." He gestured to a couch which she did not sit on. If she sat down now, she wouldn't get back up. "May I get you something to drink? Water perhaps?"

"No, I'm fine." She tried to give him a smile, but it just wouldn't come. With her children she could pretend that everything was getting better, but she couldn't muster the strength to pretend with strangers.

A moment later the door to a room across the hall opened and a woman walked out. She was tall with dark skin, her dreadlocks were pinned back. She wore slacks and a sweater.

She placed a file on the desk of the young man and turned towards Abby. "Mrs. Bartlett, I'm Serena Anders, please come in." She gestured towards the open door. "Sit anywhere you like."

Abby chose the chair closest to the door. Dr. Anders sat across from her. "Mrs. Bartlett I like to start with a few guidelines for our sessions and my approach to counseling." The doctor went through the rules of therapy watching Abby carefully for acknowledgement and understanding.

Dr. Anders studied her client carefully, usually she could tell from her patient's body language the type of person they were. At certain points in her recitation of the rules she would often see clients visibly relax. Abby had not moved. Her facial expressions had not changed. She knew from her research, and her assistant, that Abby Bartlett was known for her grace under pressure. Only a few times in her history had she slipped. However, never to the point of out and out anger. She exemplified what it meant to be a lady.

"Do you have any questions?" Abby shook her head 'no.' "Why did you come in today?"

"My grandmother thought it was important."

"Why?"

"My husband died." There was no inflection, no emotion what so ever.

"When did he die?" For the first time Abby looked confused. 'Could this doctor not know when the governor of the state was murdered.'

"8 months ago. He was shot and killed outside of a bookstore."

"And how does that make you feel?"

Abby looked at the doctor, her face showed controlled anger. "Really. That's what you're going to ask me. How does it make me feel? Some reckless psychopath put a bullet in him and he bled out before the men assigned to protect him could get him to a hospital. How do you think it makes me feel?"

"It's not my job to assume how you feel. Your life as a governor's wife is extremely public. I am not naïve enough to think that what you show to the public is the full truth. So, I ask again how does it make you feel."

Abby sat in stunned silence for a long time. Everyone had told her that they knew how she felt and she had accepted it. This was the first time someone asked her how she felt and wanted a real answer, "Lost." She finally said.

"How?"

"Jed was my best friend. We didn't have a traditional marriage, but without him I don't know who I am." Dr. Anders wrote the last few statements on her pad and moved back up."

"We can start there. But first why does your grandmother think you need to be here."

"Everyone thinks its time for me to move on with my life."

"Whose everyone?"

"My grandmother, my father, Leo and…"

"And."

"And no one. She doesn't seem to care whether I move on with my life or not. She's already moved on with hers." This was the first time Abby was visibly angry.

"Mrs. Bartlett I don't know all the people in your life. Who is she?"

"Claudia."

"Claudia is someone who is important to you."

"Yes."

"And her indifference angers you."

"Why should I care if she doesn't?"

"Why indeed?" Abby looked at her. She was not going to spend an afternoon talking in circles.

"Look, I'm not interested in therapy." Abby got up from her seat. "If you send me a bill I will have someone send you a check." She left without another word.

XXXX

Jamie stepped from his car into his building. The door man greeted him and without acknowledging his presence he made his way to the elevator. He pulled his phone from his pocket and hit 3 on the speed dial. Millicent name appeared. He closed it and returned it to his pocket what was he going to say.

In 8 months sthey had not gotten around to answering the question. Both of there schedules amptedamped up after Jed's death. Jamie took on the responsibility as the face of both the Barrington Company and Foundation. He traveled more than he ever imagined her would. It had given him a new respect for what his sister had done for almost 15 years.

Millicent's schedule became just as busy. She had to take on more and more shifts because the hospital was two doctor's short in her department. Jamie did make time to spend with the children. He never broke a promise to them if he could help it. He figured they had enough of that from their father.

All he wanted to do right now was put his head on a pillow in his apartment. Well, what he really wanted to do was get in his car drive to Millicent's and wrap himself in her. But their relationship y had become soreached a level of strained that he didn't know how to make his way out of the awkwardness.

He opened the door to his apartment and noticed a light on the couch. He thought it was odd, but chalked it up his forgetfulness as he left. He walked over to turn it off before heading to bed.

"Millicent." She was laying the couch with a book on her chest. He looked over to find that it was the board briefing notes. He wondered briefly if she had brought those with her.

He sat on his coffee table looking at her. He felt a sense aof peace as the fatigue faded away. Seeing her herear like this, he allowed himself to indulge in the thought of coming home everyday to her. He reached over and brushed his fingers across his face. HerShe eyes flickered and she woke quickly. Years of medical training had taught her to become alert as quick as possible.

"Jamie." She sat up. "What time is it?"

"After 1."

"I thought you would be home earlier."

"Last minute meeting. I didn't know you would be waiting." He was glad and scared that she was.

"I didn't feel like making the drive home and I couldn't stay in the hospital for another moment." She looked at the briefing book that was in her lap and then back up at him. "I was waiting up for you, but that failed."

"Yeah." He felt a little excited.

"I wanted to talk."

"Oh." His voice was flat.

"You don't think we need to?"

"I guess." He looked down at his hands.d "I don't want to hear you say no. And the longer we don't talk the longer I will get to imagine you as my wife."

"I'm not going to say no. I just want to talk."

"You're not." She shook her head. "You're not." He said the last part to himself. "We're getting married." He looked at her hopeful.

"Not until we talk."

"Ok." She couldn't kill his excitement.

"You want children, and I'm not sure."

"I want you. More than anything."

"Jamie…"

"No listen to me. When I decided to ask you, I knew that you were unsure. I wasn't holding out hoping that a marriage proposal would change your mind. I want you. Period. Children or not. Just you."

"Jamie. I don't want you to compromise."

"I don't want children so they can carry on the family name. I want them because I thought it would be someone I could love, who would love me back." Millicent touched his face. "I realize that would be unfair. But when I let myself accept that I realized that I loved you and I got you. I want you."

"Then my answer is yes. I want to marry you." He pulled her to her feet, kissed her. Tonight was the beginning of them together forever.

XXXXXX

Serena Anders wasn't a person to break rules. In high school, when her friends skipped school to hang out downtown, she went to school. When her sorority made the limit to drink in house 21 (as per the law), she didn't keep a bottle of vodka hidden in her ceiling. She just wasn't that girl.

She had only broken one in her life. Yet here she was braking the her second rule. It was completely against the rules to show up at a client's door unannounced, but something told her that Abby needed her.

She would not have normally pursued a client who didn't want counseling. She truly believed that it wouldn't be effective unless the person wanted her help. However, when Abby Bartlett left her office three days ago, she felt like Abby wanted the help she was just scared to accept it.

She stood at the gates to the palatial estate. She had seen it in pictures, but she wasn't one of those people that drove by in hopes of catching a glimpse of the famous first couple. She was buzzed in without much effort; and made her way to the door. A young redhead woman opened the door to admit her. "Mrs. Barrington is in the library." The young woman led her to the room.

Two women sat at a table across from one another. Files upon files spread in front of them. "Excuse me Mrs. Barrington, this is Dr. Serena Anders." Both women rose to greet Serena.

"Thank you Margaret." The maid left the room closing the door behind her. "I'm Abigail Barrington and this is Claudia Jean Cregg."

"Mrs. Barrington, Miss Cregg." Serena nodded her head. "I'm sorry there must be a mistake I came to see Mrs. Bartlett."

"Abby's not here," CJ said. There was sadness in the taller woman's voice. Serena realized that this must be Claudia; and she realized AAbby was wrong. This woman was definitely not indifferent.

"My granddaughter is picking her children up from school at the moment. I thought we could have a moment to speak."

"I can't discuss Mrs. Bartlett with you without her permission."

"I wasn't interested in a discussion about Abby as much as I was interested in one about you. Why are you here if Abby fired you?"

"I would prefer to discuss that with Mrs. Bartlett."

"You will discuss it with me," Abigail's voice was stern. "My granddaughter does not need or desire a person trying to make a name for herself on her back. You looking to be the psychiatrist to the stars, you need to pick another client."

"I'm not." There was an honesty in her voice that both Abigail and CJ recognized. They both knew that Abby could get under your skin in a matter of minutes and bring out an affection that you didn't expect. They also noticed that the woman didn't elaborate. The words themselves were enough.

"Fine. I'll have Margaret show you to garden porch. If Abby wants to speak with you when she returns, she will meet you there." CJ opened the door and moments later Margaret came in the room and led Serena to the porch.

Serena pulled out her pad and made a notes. 'Protective grandmother. Claudia is Claudia Jean? Loyalty valued.' "Dr. Anders?" Abby's voice jolted her from her continued notes.

"Mrs. Bartlett."

"This is personal service. It would have been easier to put a stamp on the bill and mail it. You didn't have to personally deliver it."

"I haven't. I'm sure Andrew has already sent you the appropriate paper work. I just wanted you to know that if you wanted to continue seeing me, I am at your disposal." Serena closed her notepad and moved to leave. As she passed Abby, the brunette grabbed her wrist.

"I miss him. More than I ever thought possible."

Serena turned to face her. "I can imagine."

"Are you married doctor?" Serena thought briefly. This was a difficult question to answer. Its not information she would usually share with a client, but since she had already broken a rule today there was no reason why she shouldn't break another one.

"Not legally, but I've been with my partner since medical school. aAlmost 12 years. She's a lawyer."

"I married Jed when I was 23. He knew who I was before I knew myself. In the hardest times in my life, he has always been the person I turn too. Could you imagine waking up one day and your partner not being there?"

"No. I couldn't"

"Neither could I. I thought he would always be here. No matter what."

"And now you have to learn to cope with that reality."

"Yes I do." Before Abby could elaborate further, Cullen came rushing in.

"Mommy I need your help this." He thrust a science textbook in her face. What was remarkeableremarkable to the doctor was the visible change that happened in Abby. She went from sad and depressed to happy and energized. Serena suspected it was an act. How long could this woman keep it up?

"I'll get out of your way. iIf you want to talk anymore, you know where to find me."

"Thank you. Margaret will show you out." She sat down in the chair Serena had vacated. "So, what are we learning? Oooo clouds." The doctor could hear the joy in Abby's voice. She followed the maid to the door.

XXXX

In six sessions, Abby had made her way through her relationship with Jed. There meeting, marriage, having children, him running for office. And even his affairs. It was the first time in her life that Abby really talked about how they made her feel.

"What about the first time?"

"I felt inadequate. Like I wasn't really a woman. So, he had to fill his bed with real women. Jed being Jed reassured me. He never lied to me though. The second one became easier I guess. If not easier - a necessary evil."

"So, affairs became common place in your marriage?"

"Yes, I guess. No. Jed didn't have affairs. He slept with women, many different women, but he didn't share anythingn with them. Emotionally we were married even if we weren't physically."

"Until you had an affair."

"Claudia wasn't an affair." Abby voice turned cold. Dr. Anders decided to pursue it, any mention of CJ before Abby would completely shutdown. This time she wouldn't let her off the hook that easily. She knew that the tall redhead was a big part of Abby's grief. It was just a matter of working out why?

"So, she was a someone you filled your bed with on occasion."

"Of course not. She was... is the love of my life."

"So you two are intimate?"

"Not any more."

"Were you going to leave Jed?"

"No, of course not."

"Then she was an affair."

"I wasn't hiding my relationship with her from Jed."

"Just everyone else?" The question hung in the air. Abby didn't know what to say. Serena changed the subject. "Did your grandmother tell you that I met herthem when I came to your house six weeks ago." Abby nodded. "I also met Claudia Jean."

"You met Claudia, I didn't realize she was there."

"They were working when I walked in. The first day you came you said that she was didn't care. I've been wondering since then why you think she doesn't care?"

"I don't know."

"You do Abby."

"Why should she?"

"The only person that can answer that is you. For you she will never care if you don't think that she should. If you don't think you're worth it then what ever affection she has for you doesn't matter." Serena glanced down at her watch. "That's all our time for now."

Abby left. Thomas was waiting at the door as he always. "Where to ma'am?"

"Let's just sit for a moment." She couldn't go home. She had to pull herself together enough so that Zoey didn't pick up on anything. Her daughter was perceptive and she was finding it harder and harder to hide things from her.

Abby watched as Serena and her assistant left the building. The doctor made her way across the street to a parked car, a woman got out holding cell phone to her ear. She leaned over and kissed the doctor on her cheek as she made her way to the passenger's side door. A moment later they drove off.

The brunette imagined what it would be like to have CJ pick her up from work. To have the comfort with each other that without saying a word which one was going to drive.

"Let's go home Thomas." As they pulled away, it was the first time Abby had imagined her life without Jed.