CJ sat in the barn for the first time in months. It was quiet, almost too quiet. She remembered telling Abby that the reason she was buying the warehouse was that it would give them more time together alone. It hadn't. Everything had changed in a second and there was nothing she could do to control.

She wasn't even sure she was in a relationship anymore. Could you be when the person you want to be with doesn't want to be with you? She had tried to maintain her distance and not push. However, it hadn't gotten her anything in the end. She had still lost Abby.

How long was she supposed to take Abby's silence, her indifference? Was she supposed to wall herself up in this tomb and wait for her lover to dig her out?

CJ felt angry and guilty all at the same time. She wanted Abby, needed her, but Abby couldn't see beyond her own self to CJ. CJ wondered if she thought I would always be here so she doesn't have to try. I'm just going to wait. The Abby she knew wasn't that selfish. But the Abby she knew did shut down and everyone around out when she was hurt.

And CJ couldn't deny that loosing your husband, the way she lost Jed, could devastate anyone. Abby was entitled to her grief. Wasn't she? She couldn't rush the process; expect Abby to dust herself off and move on. She didn't expect that. It was selfish for her to want more than Abby was ready to give.

"Hey," CJ jumped at the voice behind her. She turned to see Abby standing in the door way.

"Abby. Umm. I was just heading to the warehouse." CJ walked around grabbing things that seemed liked they would be important. She didn't have anything left here. Abby noticed that she didn't look up.

"Can we talk before you head out. I've been trying to catch you here the last couple days, but you haven't come home."

"I've been sleeping at the warehouse."

"I figured. Do you have a moment?" Abby tried not react, to stay calm as Dr. Anders had instructed. 'Be honest.' The doctor's words came in her head.

"Sure."

"This time since Jed…" Abby trailed off, dropping her head. CJ wanted to comfort her, but didn't know how. Abby flipped her hair back from her face. "I know that we can't be where we were, but Dr. Anders seemed to think that maybe we should talk."

"So, you don't want to talk."

"No, that's not what I wanted to say. This is not coming out the way I had planned. I've missed you. And I didn't know how to say it. I was wondering if you could give me a chance to figure out where we can go next?"

"I'm not sure Abby. It's been really hard."

"I know. I know." Abby willed the tears away. "I miss you Claudia, so very much. I just want to be with you. Please can we try?"

XXXXXX

They had been coming to see Dr. Anders for more than 3 weeks. This was their fourth visit. Abby had done most of the talking before. Trying to explain, but this time the doctor wanted to hear from CJ.

The conversation had started out calm. It had quickly become heated. CJ couldn't understand why she was yelling, but Abby wasn't getting it. CJ felt at her wits end.

"I can't keep doing this."

"Doing what CJ?" Serena prompted.

"Waiting for her. Waiting for her to come back to me."

"Then I'm just supposed to get over it to suit you," Abby said.

"That's not what I'm saying."

"Yes it is. You're sick of waiting. Well, guess what I don't have a time limit on how I feel."

"I know that. You don't think I know that." CJ roughly ran her hand threw her hair. "What I'm saying is that every time something goes wrong you retreat. And every time I'm left twisting in the wind and am expected to wait. You don't talk to me; you shut me out without a word. And not until you decide to confront it, are we allowed to discuss. Its frustrating Abby and I don't think I can keep doing it."

"I'm sorry I don't work on your schedule."

"You know what Abby, I am the one always fighting for this relationship. Not you, but me. I make a mistake or say the wrong thing you're ready to hit the door. You shut me out, then you apologize and I keep running back. What kind of sick twisted relationship is that?

I do everything on your time line. I'm in a closeted relationship because that's where you are. I wait while you travel the world and work myself into your schedule because that your time line. Every single thing I do is for you, and when I try to tell you how it makes me feel you say. 'I'm sorry I don't work on your schedule.' Fuck your schedule. I'm sick and tired of it."

"Maybe we should back track a little bit. Abby do you understand what CJ is saying to you."

"She wants me to move on so we can go back to being together."

CJ shook her head in frustration. "No, what she's saying is that she feels like she's in a one sided relationship. That she wants to be in this more than you do. Is that true?"

"No, its not. I love her."

"Why do you think she feels your relationship is one sided."

"I don't know."

"CJ, before this have you ever told Abby that you felt it was one sided." CJ thought for a long time. Had she?

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I never thought about it before."

"Did it become one sided after Jed's death. Or do you think its been that way all along."

"I…" Had she felt like this from the beginning. "I don't know. I knew what I was getting into when I fell for Abby. She wasn't free, for a lot of reasons, and it was ok. At least I thought so."

"Let me ask you this. Give me your first reaction not the thought out one. After Jed died, were you relieved? Did you feel that finally you two could be together without any impediments?"

"Yes. God, I'm horrible. I spent months telling everyone that she was entitled to fall apart. That he was her best friend and she could feel how she wanted for however long she wanted. I just didn't think it would take this long." CJ's voice dropped considerably at the last part. She looked at her hands.

"Neither did I." Abby said. CJ's head snapped up. She looked from Serena to Abby. "There were times that I thought about being free. What it would be like if Jed and I weren't married. Or if I would have met CJ first. I never felt guilty about that. In all those times of wondering thoughts I never imagined Jed dead. I never imagined him not being in my life. Even if we had a nasty, bitter divorce I always knew that we would come out on the other side friends. Now he's not here and it has taken me longer than I expected to wrap my head around that."

"You can't help how you feel." CJ said.

"I don't want to hurt you Claudia. I've never wanted to hurt you. But I am and I'm hurting myself."

"Abby tell CJ why you wanted her to come here today."

"You suggested it." Dr. Anders gave Abby a look that she often did when Abby became sarcastic. Abby closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I want my life back. I want a life at least, and I want it with her. We had plans before Jed died. We were going start a family. And I want that more than anything." CJ couldn't look at her.

"CJ is this something you want."

"Yes. I'm just not sure we can ever be what we were."

"You can't." Dr. Anders said. "Both of your lives have changed dramatically. Abby your support fell from under you; and CJ so did yours. You both have to rebuild trust in this relationship and that will take time. But the hardest part is admitting that you have something that is worth being fixed. And both people are committed to fixing. Are you both committed to fixing it?"

"Yes." They both said at the same time.

XXXXX

It was eight o'clock at night. CJ was trying to finish the board report before she went home and went to bed tonight. Six weeks of hard work would be presented in two days to the complete board. She was reading over the finished product making her final edits. Carol would give it a once over for consistency and grammar after she finished.

It had taken a nearly three weeks, but she was finally able to put the conversation with Abby out of her head long enough to be productive. They hadn't really spoken since then. CJ had kept telling herself, after the board meeting she would be able to approach it again. She didn't want to upset Abby again.

She heard someone open the door, not looking up she said, "Carol, you really need to go home. If you can't function tomorrow the kids won't get fed."

"Carol's gone." CJ looked up to see Abby standing in her doorway. "At least she's not at her desk and the light was turned out.

"Oh. I didn't know you were in the building."

"Came in a few hours ago to read over the board notes for the Foundation and the Company. I figure I should be prepared for the meeting."

"Did you have questions or changes?"

"Not about the board items. I just wanted to see you. Dr. Anders gave me some homework. Actually, I was explaining to her how we never had the normal getting to know you portion of a relationship. She said I should try having a conversation with you that's not coming on the end of a fight. Just something normal."

"OK."

"Though short of making it down here, I didn't know how to start." Abby looked at CJ for a while. It always amazed her how graceful she looked even when she was completely stressed.

"The landscaper finished the roof garden last week."

"Yeah. How does it look?"

"Stunning. I had him put in a grill. Brooke's mad cause I won't let her use it."

"Why?"

"Because… because its your garden. No one will use it until you do."

"Oh Claudia." Abby wiped the tears that had begun to form. "I love you so much. I'm sorry. So, incredibly sorry for hurting you."

"Its ok, you've been through a lot."

"Its not ok. You deserve so much more than I've ever been able to give you. And I can't imagine why you stick around."

"I love you. I can't seem to stop."

"I keep expecting you too. That's what's so hard about loosing Jed. He was the first person that I was sure loved me for who I was; not who I was expected to be. So, it was easy for me to be his friend. And we received a mutual benefit from each other. With you, its one sided."

"Not always. I was angry and frustrated and…"

"And right. Stop doing that, stop sweeping your words and feelings under the rug. You're right, you should be able to expect me to let you in and not brush you off when it gets too hard. Jed never let me get away with anything. I always assumed it was because he knew me better than anyone else. But it has occurred to me during counseling that he knew me that well because I let him in. Even when it wasn't pretty. More importantly I let him in because I believed that if he left or betrayed me it wouldn't hurt. So there was no fear with him. With you, Claudia, sometimes all I feel is fear. You became part of me when I wasn't looking. And the only way I knew to stop it from being overwhelming is to shut you out of the unpretty stuff in my life. It was how I survived, how I learned to survive.

Then every single time you took a step that I wasn't expecting I felt like well eventually she's going to leave anyway, so, what I'm doing is necessary to protect myself."

"I'm not going to leave Abby."

"I'm not stupid Claudia. I see how other women look at you. I knew that one day one of them would be able give you something that I may never could. Something that I couldn't compete with. It wasn't until the other day in the office that it occurred to me that I could give you exactly what you wanted and were asking for. And what you deserve. Jed's death has made me confront my insecurities."

"I don't want you to feel insecure when it comes to me."

"I feel that way when it comes to everything, not just you. I wish I knew how to make that feeling go away." Abby got up and sat on CJs desk holding taking her hand. "But I don't want to keep my insecurities in between us any longer. I want to be a partner to you Claudia. Not just a girlfriend. I want you to depend on me the way you haven't been able to. You deserve that; you deserve someone that loves you the way you love them."

"I've never been with someone that's wanted to be that to me before."

"You've gotten used to giving and having someone else take. I want us both to change our behavior. We need to be equals."

XXXXX

"I have to honestly say that I don't miss looking like a beached whale." Millicent held a maternity top up to herself looking at CJ for approval.

"You don't. You're pregnant, and lovely. That shirt however is not." They were both 16 weeks pregnant and shopping for maternity clothes.

XXXXX

Hello all. Sorry for the abrupt ending, but I had to wrap this story up as my life is about to become rather hectic due to a move. This is the end of Barrington: Family Matters. I have decided to pick up some of the story arcs in the next story. Though I don't know when I will begin writing it. Hope you enjoyed this version. ~E~