Summary: Sam's visions seem to get the best of him. Is Dean the key to setting him free? Action takes place directly after Croatoan.

Faye, you're a wonderful beta. Thanks for your help with this one.

(Lyrics to "Blow Up the Outside World" by Chris Cornell)

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Blow Up the Outside World – Part 3 (Nothing will do me in before I do myself)

Someone tried to tell me something

Don't let the world bring you down

Nothing will do me in before I do myself

So save it for your own and the ones you can help

After fleeing the hospital, Dean had driven Sam to the next town and booked them a room. He didn't want to take the chance of running into Dr. Ford, Mr. Johnson, or anyone else from Cairo. He just wanted Sam to have some peace and quiet to mend.

Sam's cuts and bruises stood out against his pale skin. But as sickly as Sam looked it was his quietness that was starting to get to Dean. But Dean didn't realize that Sam was wrestling with life and death issues. Namely Sam's life or death.

Sam was grappling with the vision of him and the Demon in New Madrid. Despite everything he'd been through Sam had never considered himself suicidal. But contemplating going to Missouri and confronting the Demon was tantamount to committing suicide.

Sam believed he took on the power of those kids who had been marked by the Demon the closer he got to them. The kid who had started the house fire in New Madrid had the ability to manipulate energy. Sam's theory was that he could tap into the power of this "Chosen One" in New Madrid and blow the Demon sky high in the process. At least that's what the vision seemed to suggest.

As much as he wanted to obliterate the Demon the thought of abandoning Dean had Sam sinking further into depression each day.

Everyone Sam had ever loved had been killed by the Demon -- his Mother, Jessica. He even thought the Demon had something to do with his Dad's death.

Everyone except Dean. Sam vowed to save Dean's life, no matter what the cost. It wouldn't be easy for Dean, but it was all he had left to give. Now he just needed to say goodbye.

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Silence. Almost a whole week of it. Sam had withdrawn into himself and no matter what Dean did or said he couldn't break through the wall of silence Sam had erected.

Sam was propped up against the headboard, listlessly watching the TV. Dean cleared his throat. He wanted Sam to talk to him.

"I was thinking of ordering in pizza. Or maybe you'd like to get out for a while. We could go to the diner next store. What do you think?" Dean braced himself for the standard Sam response.

Up until now every question Dean had asked Sam had been met with indifference. "Whatever you want, Dean, that's fine, Dean…" It was as if Sam couldn't be bothered with the mundane details of living.

Sam shook his head and turned his full attention on his brother. "Remember when you said we should take some time out for us? I was thinking maybe we should head for the Grand Canyon," Sam replied to a stunned Dean. Sam knew what he had to do and now he wanted to spend a little quality time with Dean.

"I was actually thinking we should eat a little more locally but if you want to eat at the Grand Canyon that's fine with me," Dean managed to fire back. He wasn't sure what had inspired Sam's change of heart but he was going to seize the moment.

"Let's eat at the diner now and head for Arizona in the morning," Sam said, grinning at Dean. As if a black cloud had finally lifted both brothers were smiling and laughing. A road trip purely for fun was in the offing.

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The Impala lazily meandered away from Southern Illinois and toward Arizona. The boys weren't on a time table and were content to coast along at their own pace. Although with Dean behind the wheel their own pace often times topped 100 mph but that was just another joy to be experienced on their road trip.

Sam was content to bask in Dean's happiness. It was only their first day on the road but for once they were both at peace with each other and the world. Of course if Dean knew the reason for Sam's peaceful state of mind he might not be so accommodating.

During his recuperation Sam had time to put the pieces of the puzzle together. At least he thought he understood and he was willing to bet his life on it. Go to Missouri, tap into the power of the kid who had committed arson, and blow up the Demon.

Sam had written it all down in a journal so that one day Dean would know why he'd done it.

This road trip was his parting gift to Dean. He hoped Dean would remember the fun they had together instead of dwelling on the grief of losing him.

To be honest with himself, it never should have come down to this. If he'd pulled the trigger on the Colt in the cabin then the Demon would be history. Of course he would have killed John Winchester, too, but since their Dad had ended up dying what difference did it really make? He didn't pull the trigger because he didn't want Dean to hate him. Instead Dean had ended up hating himself, blaming himself for their Dad's death. What a tangled web.

Sam suddenly felt a wave of nausea overcome him. Reaching forward he turned the music off so he could ask Dean to pull over. Sam closed his eyes and breathed slowly in and out in an attempt to calm the bile churning through his stomach.

Dean knew something was wrong as soon as the music was snapped off. Glancing at Sam he quickly took in the pale skin and flushed cheeks. Zooming through the traffic he guided the Impala to the right and hit an exit. Signaling he pulled off to the side of the road as quickly as possible.

"Sam, what's wrong?" Dean wasn't sure what to do. He could see the abject misery on Sam's face. They sat in silence for a few minutes as Sam tried to overcome the dizziness and urge to vomit.

Sam curled up against the coolness of the window. He was afraid if he answered Dean, if he made any sudden movement, he'd be spectacularly sick. Not exactly the gift he wanted to leave Dean with.

"I see a motel up ahead. I'm going to get us a room. Just hold tight Sam." Dean had observed the grooves bracketing Sam's mouth and the way he was grinding his teeth together. Sam was on the verge of worshipping the Porcelain Goddess and it was Dean's job to find a stationary goddess for him.

Within ten minutes Dean had Sam settled in another cheap motel room. Sam had walked, or rather weaved, into the room under his own steam but Dean was still concerned. Maybe he shouldn't have taken Sam out of the hospital so quickly. Or maybe this road trip wasn't such a good idea. Maybe Sam just needed to rest more.

As Sam collapsed onto the motel bed, Dean wet a washcloth with cold water and set it across Sam's forehead. It was then that he noticed what looked like little blisters around Sam's mouth.

Dean picked up the washcloth and softly drew it across Sam's fevered face. Dean noticed Sam's eyes were open. Glassy with fever but open.

Dr. Ford's words about low level radiation sprang into his mind. Radiation caused blisters. "Sam, I think we've got to get you to a doctor. You need help."

"No, just let me rest a while. I'll be fine," Sam managed to choke out.

Sam was pretty certain he knew why he felt so bad. Having decided to take the southern route to Arizona they were now in Missouri. Probably close to New Madrid. It looked like his vision was on the verge of playing out. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. The timing was all wrong. He was being cheated out of his remaining time with Dean.

Sam resigned himself to his fate.

"Dean, could you please get me some ginger ale? I think that will help settle my stomach," Sam quietly asked. He didn't want to leave Dean. Hell, he didn't want to die. But there was no choice. This was the only way he could save Dean.

"Sure. Just kick back and take it easy. Let the World's Greatest Brother take care of you," Dean quipped as he grabbed up the car keys.

As Dean walked by the bed Sam snagged his hand. "You are the World's Greatest Brother." Sam knew Dean didn't like overt shows of emotion and wasn't surprised when Dean yanked his hand away looking uncomfortable. But he meant every word and wanted Dean to know it.

"Well, if you quit hanging on to the World's Greatest Brother you'll get your ginger ale some time this year." Dean patted Sam on the shoulder.

Sam smiled sadly at his brother. This was it. His last goodbye. He prayed silently that Dean would understand and forgive him.

As soon as the motel door clicked shut Sam pulled himself to his feet. He left water running in the sink and locked the bathroom door hoping that would add to the head start he needed. He slipped out of the motel room and headed for the gas station. He hoped to find a ride to New Madrid there.

The road trip was canceled. Game on.