I've written this update a good few times, each one pretty different. And disliked them all, including this one. But I can't think of anything else at the moment, my brain is too occupied with other bits of rubbish! So, excuse this one for not being particularly great :P ...

"I don't regret falling in love with you."

Meredith snaps her head up in slight shock. She did hear right. A few weeks ago, this would've been music to her ears. If he'd reciprocated then after she'd said it, it would have been uphill from there. But not now.

Now everything is wrong. That was wrong. Why does he keep playing with her, pushing her away and pulling her back to him? Why does she keep letting him?

"You need to go, please. Go."

"What? No. Why?"

"Get out. Leave."

"Why? Meredith, don't—"

"Get out! I can't take this from you anymore! You have got to stop, Derek! I can't do it anymore, this messing about. Go home, please."

This is perhaps the best elevator rides Meredith has ever enjoyed in this hospital. Perhaps anywhere, ever. It's certainly not awkward. Definitely no tension in the air, so thick it would need a freaking hacksaw to cut it. She hasn't got George 'Meredith, I love you,' O'Malley behind her and Derek 'Meredith, I'm still… something towards you and oh, hey, what's George up to in your room tonight and why are you undressing him?' Shepherd to her front right.

If she did have them, then she'd surely be on her hands and knees on the very spot, praying that the floor of the elevator would open up and swallow her whole.

Unfortunately, the floor isn't going to open up and unfortunately, for everyone on this ride, George O'Malley is behind her and Derek Shepherd is to her front right, nicely making this the most awkward journey and start to their days.

God, why was it everything just continued to get more messy? Surely there had to be a limit to the mess and…suckiness, which was her life at present. Maybe next her friendship with Cristina would be going down the drain. Or she'd trip up and do something stupid stupid stupid at work and get severely blacklisted or kicked out.

The bell rings and signals that they're at the second floor. A nurse gets on. George makes- bumbles- his way past and exits at the last minute, too. A whole two floors early. The second the doors have closed, Derek turns his head around and gives Meredith a look. Not that she looks back. Her eyes are on the floor. Avoiding eye contact, avoiding them, this. Just avoiding. So Derek shuffles back, ignoring the curious glance of the nurse, making no attempt to find out the latest installment in the Meredith-Derek saga.

"Can we talk?"

"Rather not."

"Meredith."

"Derek, not here."

They both glanced at the nurse, who quickly glanced away. Looked at her watch. Pulled a face as she tapped at her watch. A blatant attempt to make it obvious she hadn't been curiously ear wigging in on their conversation only made it more obvious she had been.

When she'd told him to love her, love her in return, in what seemed like fifty scrub rooms ago, and he'd chosen his wife, she hadn't known what she wanted next. For him to take it back? To be able to take it back herself? Perhaps he wanted that.

She'd wanted closure. She knew that. But she never got it, she still hadn't got it. It was why she and Derek and Addison and now George were all stuck in this weird, complicated and screwed up limbo-type thing, where nobody was moving forwards. If anything, progress was only going backwards.

The doors opened and with one of those trademark McDreamy longing looks over his shoulder in her direction, Derek admitted defeat for now and stepped off the elevator. The doors closed again and Meredith slumped herself against the wall slightly.

"It may be none of my business but…"

Meredith looked up at the nurse she'd forgotten was there and discovered a sympathetic look coming her way. She arched an eyebrow, warning her but encouraging her to continue.

"…there is no way that man wants to stay with his wife."

If a freaking bystander could see that and voice it, how come nobody tangled up in this thing could? If that was how it was, why was it still a fucking mess like it was? Maybe he didn't want to stay with his wife. But if that was true, why had he chosen to not sign the divorce papers when he had the chance and why was he still with his wife? And if it wasn't true and he did want to stay with Addison, why did he continue to string Meredith along- kiss her, say he loved her and throw her those McDreamy eyes and pining looks every opportunity he had?

George. She's been with him half the morning as her and the rest of the interns follow Bailey on their rounds. He's doing his utmost best to ignore her. He's been staring at the piece of paper in his hand for a good thirty seconds now as if trying to absorb what's on it fully into his brain- but Meredith can see there's nothing written on it! She'd call him out on it if it wouldn't make things more awkward.

"You know, at some point, you are going to have to talk to me."

But George just turns on his heel muttering "I'm gonna take the stairs" and clearly, some point isn't now.

Meredith sighs and turns back to the elevator in front of her, just in time for the bell signaling its arrival at this floor. Last night really has left her up shit creek today.

"You paged?" She asks when she's upstairs, not quite sure how she managed it because she's not convinced her brain is connecting to anything today, legs included.

"Yeah, just got a new patient, maybe surgical, maybe neuro."

Neuro. Lets hope not.

The nurse pulls back the curtain. There's a couple… possibly a few seconds away from making out in front of her, with the guy holding an ice pack over his pants.

"Er, this doesn't look surgical…"

"Not him, her."

Meredith turns back to the couple. To the woman.

"This is so embarrassing, but we didn't know what else to do," She says as she turns her head, revealing her neck. More specifically, the fork sticking out of it.

She groans inside when she's realizes it's definitely going to be neuro, which means she's going to have to page Derek. See Derek. Work with Derek.

So as it transpires, they were out having dinner when the woman decided to give him a little special attention under the table.

"Oh dear lord," She moans when her partner reveals that little nugget.

"Oh, okay." There's a little smirk from Derek shot Meredith's way and, as much as she doesn't want to acknowledge him or them or that right now, she cannot help recall a similar situation they were once in. Just, minus cutlery being jabbed into body parts. And it's clear from that wry grin and knowing look he gives her a second later that he's thinking about that very thing.

There was a small white table, rusting at the bottom of the legs, and a random three chairs positioned around it. Meredith had enquired as to the reason for this number when, he was one person, living alone- who were the other two for? Derek responded with some silly crack about putting his feet up.

But this is where they were eating breakfast this morning. It was cold out still because they were up at stupid o'clock for work, and Meredith wore a grumpy face because despite many protests, Derek had insisted on eating out here. So she'd donned an extra sweater and sat with her knees drawn up to her chest, just managing to balance her bum and feet on the small metal chair. Which was also frozen.

"Cheer up," Derek said as he stepped outside. He put two mugs of black coffee down on the table, being careful because it was unstable and wobbled from one of the wonky legs. He kissed the side of her neck affectionately then disappeared back inside for food.

Meredith looked out over his land. She had to admit, it was a sight to wake up to. It was cold, yes, but… ugh, she wasn't particularly an 'oooh, nature is beautiful person', but there was something to say about waking up here. And with a nice naked man to making breakfast too.

At least, he had been naked at one point.

"So, we have eggs, toast, I can do bacon- or there's cereal; cornflakes, muesli. Or raisin bran. And juice. Is orange ok? I can get something else for next time if you want…"

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Er, orange is fine. Breakfast options are great. Really. Cereal is good."

"Sure?"

She nods. "I'll take the cornflakes."

"Ok, good. Great."

Meredith struggles to stifle a laugh. "You have soy milk?"

Derek's face falls. "No. Semi-skim."

"Derek, I only take soy."

His disappointed face falls further. "How did I not notice that? Crap. Shit. Um, do you want—"

"I am kidding." She smirks. "Stop this. Cereal is fine. Whatever milk is fine. Most mornings I eat leftover food for breakfast! Stop trying to make this perfect or impress me or whatever you're trying to do."

He rolled his eyes and sat down beside her.

"Ok, fine. But come on, this is the first night you've stayed over. I don't want to scare you off and you not come over again. I don't want it to be Derek and his rubbish trailer again, I want it to be more… don't come a knockin' when the trailers rockin'…"

Meredith snorted up the coffee she'd been drinking and began to choke. Only when she'd cleared her throat and stopped coughing, and laughing, could she speak.

"Ok, we will never use that phrase, ever. Ok? To describe anything. I like the trailer. I like it. I like you."

Derek is not the type to be nervous around women but Meredith makes him nervous. He doesn't understand it.

But satisfied with her response, he smiles. He's glad Meredith approves, it means a lot to him. They might've only started this thing a short time ago, but already what she thinks, matters to him. She matters to him.

"And anyway." Meredith starts, bringing him back into the conversation. "Who says we have to be inside the trailer to do things?"

He raises an eyebrow. "What sort of things might these be?"

"Well…" Meredith slips a foot out of her shoe. The cold air nips at her foot but for now, she ignores it. She slides it up the inside of his leg, stopping at the top and starts rubbing him through the material of his pants. "We don't have to be inside to do this."

How she can manage to work him up under a table, through pants, with socks on, is a small mystery beyond him, but he's not going to complain. Good god no. He shifts on the seat, trying to get a little more comfortable. Trying to give her a little more access.

But as quick she's started, she drops her foot, leaving him bereft. But then she gets up from her chair, pushes the table back, and straddles his lap where's he's sitting. One hand is on his shoulder as she kisses him, and the other hand slips between their bodies and takes on where her foot left off. "Don't need to be in there for this either," She mutters between kisses.

Soon he can't take it anymore, and after she's moved down his body, unzipped the zip and used her mouth for something other and better than kissing him, he lifts her body up off him and sends them backwards onto the grass below them. The table gets knocked over but neither really pays any attention. They do it on the grass and Meredith is destined to find some green-colored scrapes on her ass later.

Afterwards she promises she'll definitely be over here again, if these are the kind of things she has to look forward to. He pulls her up and off the grass before they catch their death and swats her on the bum as he chases her back inside the trailer. There's no time to get food now so he promises her a bagel and whatever else she wants when they get to the hospital.

Derek spends a portion of his afternoon trying to talk Mrs fork-in-neck-Booker into having surgery to remove the aneurism on her brain. She refuses. This, this thing cutting her life short, has made her marriage good. Her husband notices her now and if this surgery is successful she doesn't want to go back to being her husband's 'bed warmer in a full-length flannel nightgown'.

Had it grown to be like that with him and Addison? Sure, there were no full length nightgowns, because Addison wasn't the sort but, on the nights when they were both home, bed was often minimal conversation, awkward at best, and either or both parties were asleep not long after heads hit the pillow. When they dressed up to go out, Derek commented on how good she looked, and she did, but to him it was all the same- the fancy outfits were starting to blur into one, and the nice dinner parties and forced conversations were starting to become something he no longer enjoyed. So he'd become absent. He'd grown tired of them and the same repetitive things, day in day out, and become absent, not putting in the effort he felt he no longer had.

When he thinks about his relationship with Meredith, he can't see the same happening. Mind you, at the start of his relationship with Addison, he would've said the same thing too. But Meredith is different. He feels different with her. He's loved Addison but loving Meredith is different for him, it feels like a whole new feeling, it's not how he's experienced it before.

It doesn't help that with it, comes jealousy and frustration and a whole host of other negative things, because he can't have her.

She's spent most of the day ignoring him, when she can- or ignoring the conversation she knows they should have. He told her he'd fallen in love with her. He's gone from thinking it was a good thing to do, to being a stupid thing, and now he's back to it being a good thing and he doesn't regret it. Even if she did kick him out. Even if she's told him she can't take this.

He's glad when Mrs. Booker decides to have the surgery. And afterwards, he's watching the couple from outside her room where's she awake and 's Something bad brought them closer together- did it always work that way though? Addison cheating sure hadn't brought them closer together, definitely not yet, and not that he could foresee happening either. And failing to disclose his wife to Meredith hadn't brought them closer together either. But he was hoping that one was a yet.

He really did have to sort himself out. He couldn't carry on telling Meredith all these things, wishing things were different between them, wishing he was with her all the while he stayed married. It was wrong for everyone. Including Addison.

But first, he had to sort the more immediate problem with Meredith. They had to talk about last night; he opened up and she closed off.

As luck would have it, it seemed Meredith had a similar idea to him. Though, it involved checking on their patient, not the talking part. She rounded the corner, pausing momentarily when she noticed Derek there, too. Her eyes flickered between the husband the wife.

"How is she?"

"She's doing fine," Derek replied, watching as Meredith slid the chart open and scanned over it. "Mer… we do need to talk. Please."

She sighed, but nodded.

"Why did you kick me out?"

Shrug.

"Answer," Derek whispers. "I said I'd fallen in love with you. And you kick me out, you shout. Today you ignore me. I'm so… I don't know what to do here, Mer. I've been at a loss all day. Maybe I shouldn't have said that last night, but I did. Please don't ignore without at least telling me why. I need something."

"When I said I loved you, when I said pick me, Derek, chose me? You chose your wife. The first time I've ever told someone that and really, really meant it and I'm left feeling the fool because you chose someone else."

"I know." He replied morosely. A reminder wasn't needed.

"I said I love you and it didn't mean anything. It didn't change anything. But you saying it, it does change things. You're with Addison. You're still married to her. You can't say you love me, not when you've chosen to stay with her."

"But—"

"No, no buts. Derek, you don't get it. You mess with my head so much- you mess with me. You still have a wife. You still have a ring on your finger that's supposed to mean you're in love with and committed to someone else. What am I? The one you pick up and drop at your convenience? You know how I feel and you mess with that. Because you know that, to some extent, I'll do almost anything for you or to keep things good between us, whatever that is. Because I need you. I want to believe that you love me. I wish that it meant what I want it to mean, but it doesn't. You. Are. Married and I'm the other woman. I don't know what I am to you. This needs to stop, it hurts too much. We need to stop."

Derek says nothing. Not that he'd have been able to get a word in. And if he had, all he'd be able to muster would've been 'sorry', said a fifty times, more if he'd thought it would make an impact and mean anything.

He hadn't realized how cruel he was being to her. Sure, he knew the lying about Addison had been pretty bad. And telling her they were over, then keeping her guessing whilst he made up his mind, a result that ended in him remaining married.

But he'd failed to properly realize what he was doing now, how much he was hurting her. He was toying with her feelings, not intentionally, but that didn't matter. It was wrong. But he couldn't stop himself. He wanted Meredith. Loved Meredith. Needed her in his life and not just as a colleague, or even as a friend. She was much more than that to him.

As when luck was on his side when Meredith had rounded the corner just then, bad luck was also now here in the form of his wife, smiling a tight smile, no doubt because of his intern.

"Derek! Dr Grey." She wrapped one awkward arm around Derek's shoulder. "Are you finished up? Are you ready to go?"

"Er…" Derek cleared his throat, still at a loss for words after Meredith's little speech, outburst, whatever it was. "I'm just, yeah, I'm finished. Was just checking on someone."

"Right." Addison's eyes flickered to the patient and then briefly to Meredith; she wondered who her husband really meant. "So shall we go?"

Derek headed off with Addison, disappointed and upset at the way that had gone. His wife was chattering on in his ear, but he couldn't hear any of it. Meredith's words were stuck on repeat in his head the rest of the evening and he could barely focus on anything else.

He makes a promise to sort this out, tomorrow. He has to do something about this mess. Sort it out one way or another, because none of them can carry on like this. He's still very much in love with Meredith and can't keep trying to work on his marriage when he is. Now is time for sleep though, or at least a try.