"Legend of the Golden Witch"?
The young man with alcohol shall not spare it.
"Beato, let us begin!" Battler cried, taking Maria up onto his lap.
Beatrice laughed again.
"It was a stormy day on Rokkenjima—!"
"It was sunny for the most part," Beatrice inserted, snorting. "It only started raining after you and your grabby hands set foot on the island."
"You don't come in yet!" Battler spat, pointing.
"So like I was saying, it was raining."
"Maria noticed the seagulls were all gone," Maria supplied, smiling and sucking on the lollipop Beatrice had pulled out for her earlier. "Skies were clear except for clouds, Uu~."
"Exactly!" Battler said indignantly. "It was when I finally decided to forgive you guys for being bastards and come back to the family conference."
"Uu~, Maria didn't even recognize Battler. Maria was too tiny last time Battler visited—"
Battler roughly patted her head as a way of telling her to shut up.
"So anyway the skies were clear because George shot all of the seagulls down and made them into yakitori."
"That was Jessica," Beatrice clarified.
"No one made yakitori!" Jessica screeched, pulling at her hair. "We all had that discussion, if you don't remember!"
Battler waved away Jessica's complaints. "And then we had an intelligent discussion about roses and Maria adopted one. And then you know we saw Kanon and Shannon—and hey, wait. We never saw them at the same time."
Maria looked confused. "What is Battler talking about, Uu~? Seen Kanon and Shannon together lots. Together lots."
He patted his cousin's head again. "No, no, Maria…" He scanned the crowd, and found the two of his subject. "How-how are you two here right now?"
Both looked understandably confused.
"It-it must be the lights or something…one of you has to disappear before the other can come…" Battler shook his head and carried on.
Shannon and Kanon both exchanged weary glances.
"And then-!" Battler held up his arms. "Uh…something about a portrait."
"Portrait, Uu-?" Maria shook her head. "No portrait. No portrait, Battler."
"Wrong! For there was always a portrait!" Battler picked up yet another glass. "The portrait of the Golden Witch!"
Jessica leaned over to George and whispered, "What in the hell is he talking about?"
George shrugged nervously. "I have no clue. I think it's just delusions from drinking too much."
"Uu~! Maria likes witches—"
"Of course you do, you obviously evil little thing," Battler said, shifting her weight onto one arm. "Right, so then I saw—"
"Beatrice the Witch of the Island," said woman inserted, suffering from spleen-rupturing laughter once more.
"Oi," Battler ordered, motioning to Gohda, who was trying to appear inconspicuous, "get grandfather back in here. He-he should know…"
"And fetch Dlanor, too, while yer at it," Beatrice added.
Gohda looked increasingly nervous, but quickly exited the main room in search of Kinzo and Dlanor.
A truly evil smile rose over Dlanor's normally expressionless face. Her eyes grew slits.
Gertrude narrowed her eyebrows. "Don't tell me…"
Cornelia shook with fear, attempting to hide behind her hand of cards and/or Gertrude.
With one quick motion, Dlanor flipped over the table she and the two were playing cards on. "I…"
"Hold on tight," Gertrude muttered to the cowering girl beside her.
"I have won yet AGAIN!" she announced. "The balance you two owe me is now STAGGERING! Please remember to pay SOON." The girl shifted into a trance-like state. "THE PUNISHMENT FOR THOSE WHO FAIL TO REPAY DEBTS IS EXECUTION! DIE THE DEATH! SENTENCE TO DEATH! GREAT EQUALIZER IS THE DEATH!"
Gertrude banged on the side of her head with her fist, as if making sure her cochlea wasn't dislodged by Dlanor's outburst. "Must you do this every time?"
Dlanor sat back down, and her expression faded. She folded her arms and said simply, "Gambling debts must be REPAID. Any hesitation on your part will be met with JUSTICE."
Like Cornelia, Gohda found himself horrified, and staring at Dlanor with his mouth agape.
Kinzo merely stood in the corner watching the three girls' game, seeming amused.
As if to answer Gohda's thoughts—What is wrong with this girl?—Gertrude, in the process of restoring the table to its original position and picking up the scattered cards, said, "Dlanor's father was a police officer. She's studying to be one in his footsteps."
"My father was a CRIMINAL. He broke the very laws he ENFORCED. That is why he was sent to the FIRING SQUAD," Dlanor clarified to no one in particular.
Gertrude shrugged helplessly.
Getting the courage to speak up, Gohda addressed the room, "Excuse me. Master Kinzo, Miss Knox? Ah, the bride and groom have asked for your prescence—"
Dlanor immediately stood up. "Anything other than playing cards with THESE TWO. I still do not have within my possession last month's spoons WINNINGS." She waltzed out of the room, nearly knocking Gohda over.
Kinzo chuckled.
"What does he want me for?"
"Ah, um something to do with remembering a part of his story?" Gohda bowed. "I apologise, Master Kinzo. I am not quite sure of any of the things Mr. Battler has said in the past half-hour."
Kinzo shook his head and exited.
Gertrude was back to shuffling the cards. She eyed Gohda, who looked unsure of what to do next.
"Hey. You. Chef man."
"Huh? Ahh-ah yes, Miss…" he searched his head for her name.
"Gertrude," she corrected. "Please come sit down and play a round with us. You're among friends, don't worry."
"Ah, um, I am afraid I don't have any money to bet…"
"We don't bet," Cornelia said.
"But…" he mimicked Dlanor's table-flipping.
Gertrude shook her head, and said in her trademark monotone, "That's what we keep telling her. We've never bet on any money, but she's insistant."
Finally cracking a small smile, Gohda took the seat opposite.
"A letter from the family Alchemy counselor!" Beatrice shouted. "You find the gold, none of you die. Haha, see, good deal right there." She took another swig from her current glass. "Plus you get to keep the gold. Dunno what I was thinking there when I wrote that…"
"And then I, Kinzo, vanished into the stormy night!"
Kinzo had since stepped into the circle, and was gallantly helping Beato and Battler remember their story. Dlanor had been told that her part would come, but she was not needed quite yet.
"Yeah!" Battler cheered. "Goodbye, you…bastard…"
Every time Battler uttered a less-than-pleasant word, Rosa cringed. Maria was still sitting on her cousin's lap, happily listening to whatever crap he was "recalling". She had the feverent desire to run up and simply grab Maria away from him and his foul mouth, but she'd run into a few problems: a) Maria would throw a tantrum b) Battler would throw a tantrum c) it would only invite more "Mother of the Year" cracks.
Rosa then decided to keep to herself, and sit with Eva and Hideyoshi, the both of which where heavily amused by the ongoings.
As Kinzo melodramatically walked around the circle, Rosa waved him over.
"Father…how do you understand anything they're talking about? Do you know this "story"?"
Kinzo laughed, and slammed his fist on the table. "Of course not! They're completely drunk out of their skulls and couldn't tell a coherent story to save their hides! I am improvising!"
Rosa sighed, but said nothing.
"And then people died."
At that point, those who were not paying attention to Battler and Beato definitely were.
"The blood…" Battler started, "will never come out of that shed."
Maria laughed eerily.
Battler slapped the top of her head and she stopped.
"And-And then…" He turned to Beatrice. "I forget. Who died?"
"Um…" Beatrice thought. "Gohda. And Krauss."
"And then we found Gohda and Uncle Krauss in the shed." He paused, then added, "Some other people too but I can't remember."
"We despaired momentarily but we persevered!"
When Battler picked up yet another champagne glass, Lion wondered to himself who exactly had set up the arrangement of having them scattered, full, all over the ballroom for opportune drinking. Surely not Natsuhi. "Oh, right," he concluded, snapping his fingers. "Grandfather."
"And then Aunt Eva and Uncle Hideyoshi got steaked," Battler said bluntly, holding up a fork and knife and making a cutting motion.
Jessica stifled a giggle. " 'Steaked'?"
"No, no, you dumbass!" Beatrice called two of her seven assistants over. She took one arm of each girl in her hands, and made crude stabbing gestures in the air. "Stake'd."
The two girls smiled as if realizing some inside joke.
Eva didn't know what to think of Battler's story at this point. "Should I be worried that we're dead already?" she asked Hideyoshi.
However he merely brushed it off as an innocent culmination of the rampant alcohol and watching too many crime dramas on television.
"And then all of a sudden, the house smelled bad. Like Jessica when—"
"I don't care if this is your wedding. If you finish that sentence, you will die here and now, Battler."
Battler kept going. "And so Ms. Kumasawa and Kanon went to the boiler room because apparently that's where Jessica stores her—"
Undaunted, Jessica grabbed the collar of Battler's dress shirt, gently pushing Maria aside. Mustering up the best dirty look she could give, she grabbed Battler's hand, and twisted his pinky finger backwards.
"OW FUCK THAT SHIT HURTS—"
Jessica said nothing and released his finger. She looked him in the eye.
"Stop-stop it."
"…"
"Your mind control powers don't work on me…"
His ringer finger met its end by Jessica's knuckles.
"Ah-ah…" Battler stumbled for words, trying not to submit to the Oh God pain. "But it turns out that smell was Grandfather taking a midnight swim in the furnace."
Jessica lifted an eyebrow at his odd cover-up, but let go of his finger and returned to her seat next to George.
"It appears I am actually dead!" Kinzo announced.
Beatrice clapped at this latest revelation.
"So we all made the incredibly smart choice of going into Grandfather's study. And then Beato left us another letter and Aunt Natsuhi was all like 'How even?' and Maria and Ms. Kumasawa and Genji and someone else got the boot."
Kinzo looked unnerved of the mention of his study being raided, but he chose not to comment.
"Also Kanon died."
Kanon opened his mouth to protest, but Shannon clamped a hand over it. "Shh! Don't-don't make things worse."
"And so Maria shifted into creepy little horror movie girl mode and then everyone else who got kicked out was dead and there was an evil fucking phone."
"Uu~? Maria was creepy?"
"Right, right, lemme revise my choice of words. Maria was actually especially creepy then."
Maria seemed content.
Battler hung his head, trying to think of where he left off from.
"Y'know," Beatrice commented, "this doesn't sound like what happened, now that I think about it, ahaha…"
"Shut up! I am the one telling the story, Beato!" He looked around for another pastry to throw, and became pissed when he failed to do so.
"Let me finish at least. Okay so Maria kept saying 'Ooo, ooo Beatrice is the culprit!' but I didn't wanna believe her. And then Aunt Natsuhi decided to be stupid and challenged Beato to a wrestling match—"
"Gunfight."
"…and Aunt Natsuhi challenged Beato to a gunfight but lost and Jessica cried like a little girl."
Jessica stuck out her lower lip. "Y'know, you haven't mentioned whatever happened to your parents yet."
Taking a considerably large drink, Battler thought it over and replied, "Oh, they were in the shed."
"I—" Jessica started. She stopped when she realized arguing with him at this point would be useless. "Nevermind. Just…go on, or whatever."
"We all died."
The room was silent, except for Beato's laughter.
"All of us died! And then we came back and drank tea and Beato said 'Wanna play a game, Battleeeer?' cause I didn't think she was real."
He again patted Maria on the head, and concluded, "The end."
Everyone was dumbstruck.
George laughed nervously and fidgeted with his glasses. "Ah, um, well, that was certainly an interesting story, Battler…"
By then, Bernkastel and her group had already arrived, and had taken a seat with Lion and Natsuhi, the latter of which had fallen asleep around the time of Battler's finger pain.
"Hey," Beatrice pointed out. "Bernkastel's here. And she brought wine."
Indeed the blue-haired actress, along with Lambdadelta and Erika, was taking drinks out of a ridiculously large bottle of wine labeled Kues. "You jealous?" she asked, obviously starting to get tipsy. "Only the game master can have the wine of righteousness."
Lion did a mental facepalm. How had he not noticed she had been drinking this whole time? If he had, he would have immediately snatched the bottle away and hidden it. As if he and his mother needed more drunk people on their hands. And it was Beatrice's creepy theatre friend, to add to it.
"And," Bernkastel added, stuffing the cork into the bottle, "that story was all wrong. Beato can do better…" She hobbled out of her seat, trying her best to hide the fact that she had been drinking out of the bottle herself, and shoved the bottle into Beatrice's hands. "Here okay you're the game master, Beato. You tell the story from the beginning and tell it right."
"Hahaha, I will try my best." Beato smirked, not even bothering to search for a corkscrew and just uncapping the thing with her hands.
"Oh so you think you can do better?" Battler sneered.
"Yes," Beatrice said. "Yes, I do think I can."
Lion was not sure when the first moment he felt like hanging himself occurred. It was either when he realized the "story" told was going to get a repeat by only a slighty-less-drunk-but-still-quite-drunk person, or when Lambdadelta and Erika started cackling in his ear, with Tohya muttering, "Well, this should be fun."