I know I'm stupid. I do. I'm used to the stares, and the weird looks I get when I share my ideas. Nowadays I don't even try. There is one subject I know though, and I ace it every time. Santana. I know everything about her, how she hates black liquorish, and drinks milk with her pizza, and likes to color in coloring books sometimes. I know that she doesn't like to be touched after we have sex, and the fact that she hates it when I look her in the eyes. I'm not smart, but I know that. I think it's all I need to know really.
"So today, Brittany, we're gonna study for our English test." Artie says, and he talks slow like I'm a little kid and I don't speak english. I don't like that. I don't like a lot of things he does. We start studying for our vocab test, and I'm drifting away, thinking of her.
"Do you know what voracious means?" He asks. I shake my head. "It means ravenous, insatiable." I stare at him blankly. He sighs. "It's when you can't get enough of something."
Santana is voracious. I blink a couple times to stop myself from thinking about her more.
"How about surreptitious? Have you heard that one before?" He tells me. I shake my head again. Isn't that world Italian? "It means something secret. Something you got that nobody knew about." I stare at him for a way different reason. He just smiles back at me. I feel my stomach churn.
"Are you okay?" He asks looking really concerned. I stand.
"I don't feel good. I want to go home." I tell him quickly. That's the moment I book it out of the room, and then out the door. Then I realize I left my backpack in there, so I run in there, grab the backpack and then run right out. I don't know why I'm running, since he can't chase me or anything. I can't stand the look on his face when I lie to him.
When I do get home, I take my cellphone off the charger and I call her. I can't stop myself, I have to see her again.
"Hello, Brittany." She answers, and her voice is dull and sad.
"I ran away from him."
"Huh? Ran away from who?"
"Artie." She doesn't say anything for awhile.
"I'm coming over." She says, and then hangs up. My brain is thinking of all these different things at once. I lay face down on the bed, and I just gasp for air. My heart is going to jump out of my throat. I feel like I'm going to die. I don't know what to do when she gets here. I think I'm actually a little horny. I grab a pillow, and scream into it as hard as I can.
When I wake up, it's because she's shaking me awake.
"Wha-huh?"
"You needed help or something, Brittany. I'm here." Santana says. I look up at her, and before I can look away her eyes tell me everything.
"I didn't call you for..." I begin to say. She nods.
"I know."
"Then why'd you come?" I ask quietly.
"Because I needed to see you. I knew it was a bad idea. I should just..."
"NO! Don't leave me, okay? I just... don't go." I stumble over my words. She smiles slightly, I guess because I sound really stupid.
"I don't think we should see each other anymore." She whispers so softly I almost don't hear her.
"Why?"
"Because it hurts me, Brittany."
"It hurts me too." I admit. She sniffs, wiping a tear from her eye.
"Then why do we keep doing it?" She asks, her voice wobbly and weird.
"Because if we stop... I'll die." The words come out of my mouth before I can stop them. I know I'm stupid. Sometimes I forget how much. She leans her head on my shoulder, saying nothing. I hold her because there's nothing else I can do. If I was smart, maybe I'd have something to say.