Shades of Grey
Disclaimer: Do not own p4.
"So. What's going on with you and Chie-sempai?"
Yukiko almost runs into a ditch. "Why- why are you asking about that?"
"Well, it's just that you guys are acting weird around each other," Rise replies airily. Then she purposely runs into the ditch and gives a happy yelp when she briefly propels into the air.
"Weird? Like... like what?" Because they've been acting normally, and there's no way Rise would know... would know about that. Unless Chie has mentioned it to the group, but it's Chie, and there's no way she would do that.
This time Rise is aiming for a succession of potholes, and amicably succeeds. "It's just that," she says when she regains her bearings, "you guys are not talking too much. And you're barely looking at each other during the dungeons – and when you do, the other person would turn away and stare at a wall. Kinda suspicious, don't you think? And there's lunch, too. Chie-sempai's been hanging out with the guys from the sport clubs more than she does with you. Though I don't know why you'd hang with Ebihara-sempai..."
Oh. Those. She doesn't remember doing them on purpose, but it's- sometimes it's awkward being with Chie. Because she can't face it if she sees disgust in Chie's eyes, instead of her usual tenderness. Yukiko doesn't think she can live with herself if that happens; it's easier to avoid than to confront, after all. "Ebihara-san is a nice person," she says finally, "if you get to know her."
"If you get to reeeeeally know her, sure."
After that they ride in silence, and Yukiko is just glad Rise isn't pursuing the matter any more. If she does, Yukiko is afraid she might break down and tell her everything – sometimes Rise just has that effect on people. And she's afraid she will see the disgust she imagines seeing in Chie. Because being a lesbian has a certain stigma attached to it, especially in a small town like Inaba. She's different, and she knows it. She thought Chie wouldn't mind. But she does. Ran away from her like she's the vilest creature on earth. Viler than Shadows; viler than anything they've encountered. Rise will no doubt act the same if she finds out. She can't. Can't let that happen. And the dream... what was it again? Something about
The sound of running water snaps her out of her thoughts. She looks away from the bicycle's handle bar and sees a small stream running through a clearing. She parks her bike and stares at in wonder. "I never knew..."
"Yep. I used to go here when I was sad, before I left Inaba. It makes me think I'm the only person in the world – and when there's no one else but you, all your problems kind of disappear. For a while at least." Rise grins wryly. "Oh jeez, I just said something totally embarrassing, didn't I?"
Yukiko smiles at her unease. "Not at all. Sometimes I feel the same. But instead of solitude I chose to run away. Looking at the blurred scenery from the window and thinking that it's a one way track. Of course, in the end I always came back."
"Running away. We do that a lot."
Not as much as I do; it's my only talent, Yukiko wants to say, but the scenery has a calming effect, and it's not something she can say in fear of ruining the moment. In fear of breaking the dam to her fears and insecurities. She's thinking about changing the topic to something more light-hearted, but suddenly there are footsteps behind her. She turns around.
"Chi- Chie?"
"Yukiko? What are you doing here?"
Yukiko has no doubt that Chie's expression mirrors her own. "I- I was just. Kujikawa-san-" She turns around, but the girl nor the bike are nowhere to be seen. Oh. So this is what the horrible plan is. She mentally hits herself. Chie did mention she likes to go to the woods and kick some trees in the morning as part of her training. She should have realised it.
"Ok. So." Chie takes a seat beside her and stretches her legs. "Uh... we haven't talked too much lately huh?"
"We've been busy with the TV and school."
"Yeah. It's getting pretty taxing nowadays." Both of them know that it's a big, fat lie. Yukiko also knows that she can talk about aliens and being kidnapped lightly, and still have Chie nodding along with her, because that's how precarious their relationship is. "So uh... what's with you and Rise lately?"
"What's with me and her?"
"You've been together a lot. And she's always... watching out for you more in the TV, I suppose."
"Watching out for me?" Why does everyone pick this day to interrogate her about her personal relationships in the TV world? Well, of course Rise would, she probably has everything planned out, including this encounter, but Chie? And about Rise, no less.
Chie flicks a blade of grass. "Constantly saying watch out Yukiko-sempai! Or warning the group if you're lagging behind, or fussing when you're having status ailments. Stuff like that."
Well, 'stuff like that' is a pretty vague term. Yukiko doesn't under- Oh. So it's that question.
Chie's way of asking "oh hey, so since I just rejected you, does it mean that you're moving on to a new target?"
Her temper flares. "Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I'm falling in love left and right with other women, Chie." Lesbian. It feels like such a dirty word in Yukiko's mouth. But there's no way around saying it. Gay? Sexually deviant? It just boils down to the same thing: she's just a freak of nature.
"No I-" Chie stares at her, wide eyed with shock. "I- I didn't mean it that way. Please don't, I mean, don't take it wrongly. I'm just concerned about you, okay? I really am."
Then why haven't I received a single call from you? Why aren't we sitting together at lunch anymore? Why are you asking Souji for help with homework when it used to be me?
"Of course you are," Yukiko says.
"Is that... sarcasm?"
"Probably not." Because she doesn't even know it herself. Maybe it is. Maybe she half believes that Chie still actually cares about her. But that's just delusional – she can't ask anyone to care about her, not when she came out of the closet so dramatically she practically busted the doors open. Neither does she understand why she's being so snappy with Chie. She's just trying to be a cordial friend, isn't she?
Chie laughs awkwardly. "Sorry. Yeah. Probably not. I'm such an idiot I don't even know about that. Sorry about asking about Rise. It's not my business anyway." But it is. Was. Everything about Yukiko used to be Chie's business. How did it everything change so fast?
"It's okay. I apologise for being so snappy. It's just... that it's so early."
"Yeah, you're such a bad riser. At least Souji never drags us there again ever since we left with burns and singed hair."
"Indeed."
Yukiko wonders if they have ever had silence so awkward and so complete like this before. There was always something to talk about – even when the conversation was one sided, with Chie chattering away and Yukiko listening silently.
"Hey, Yukiko?" Chie says, wringing her hands now. "There's... something I need to tell you. It's probably not a good time, but I don't want to hide anything from you. And you deserve to know first. Since we're... we're best friends, right?" She smiles, but it looks forced and unnatural, because Chie doesn't smile like that. Her smile always reminds Yukiko of the sun (how ironic that she was the one who ended with the sun; her, the girl who despises her own name), bright, full of life. The smile Chie's wearing now reminds her of stilted branches and gangly trees.
Fake. Fake. Fake.
She doesn't want to hear it. Wants to cover her ears and make an excuse to run back. She knows it's something she won't like, and if she lets it break again, she's not sure if she would recover, if there's anyone to pick up the pieces. "I-"
"I'm going out with Daisuke."
The pieces. No one to pick it up.
"Congratulations," Yukiko says, and gives Chie her widest, happiest smile.
She remembers the dream now. It was just something simple: an ordinary day of just walking aimlessly through the shopping district eating ice cream; laughing together, hand-in-hand.
She meant well. She really did. When she left Yukiko alone with Chie, she hoped they would resolve whatever was going on between them and be buddies again instead of going around misfiring agis or bufus and destroying half of the dungeon.
"Break. Let's go home and take a rest; we'll re-attempt this in a few days," Souji says, packing up his equipment and setting out for the exit.
Yosuke brushes the ash from his clothes and pops a medicine. "You sure? Because we just barely cleared a level."
"I'm sure," Souji says, glancing at Chie and Yukiko. Both were both looking guiltily at their shoes. "There's no use doing this right now. Let's go, Yosuke."
"If you say so, partner." Yosuke shrugs, pockets his blades and trudges behind Souji.
The rest of them falls behind Yosuke, and after briefly pondering, Rise decides to once again waylay Yukiko. Come to think of it, maybe she should have done it to Chie instead, but she has the feeling Yukiko might be easier to pry information from. Besides, she was never too close with Chie in the first place.
In order not to repeat the same pattern (and because originality is a must – a certain occupational hazard), she won't ambush her inside the TV.
Keeping at least a ten metre distance at all times, Rise makes sure she never loses Yukiko's trail. There are a lot of hiding places, after all. The corner of a turn; telephone poles; behind random people; bushes. Good. She's walking towards the river bank, and they're both alone. She creeps forward slowly. Closer. Closer. And musters all the acting ability she possesses to win an award for nonchalance. "Whatcha doing here, sempai?"
Instead of being surprised or indignant at the interruption, Yukiko merely pats the spot next to her and resumes staring into the distance. Apparently Rise's snooping isn't news anymore.
"Yeah. And thanks for letting me join you." Oh god, how many times have she done this the past few days? She feels like a stalker whose plans almost always backfire. Not only is she a stalker, apparently she's a also a failed one, too. It's definitely time to be blunt. "Tell me what's going on with you and Chie-sempai. And by that I mean the whole thing. Beginning to end."
Yukiko isn't looking at her. "I told you, there's nothing-"
"Stop saying that, please. Our team work is suffering because you two are barely compatible together, if this goes on, it'll hinder our progression and force sempai to switch one of you out. You know we can't do that – both of you are the best, after him."
"Switch me out, then."
"Can't. You're the healer."
"Then tell Seta-kun to make a persona that can heal."
Rise sighs. Even her patience has its limit. "Look, sempai. I know that mostly I just stand around yelling encouragements and analysing enemies, but believe it or not, it's also my job to ensure the team work is going smoothly. And right now it's not."
"I... apologise for that. For being a nuisance," Yukiko says, staring at her knees. ...then she inhales deeply. "No. You're right. I am hindering our progress. I'll... tell you everything. And I understand if you don't want to talk to me afterward. Or be in my presence"
"Why would I do that?" Unless she's the one who's been throwing people into the TV. But that's pretty unlikely.
"Because I'm in love with Chie," Yukiko says unhesitatingly, as if she has been bracing for this moment for a long time.
Rise blinks. "Huh. Okay."
Yukiko looks so surprised her mouth is gaping open. "Okay? But- aren't you going to- to run away or slap me?"
"Why? Oh. That's what you've been afraid of. I don't care about that. Why would anyone? Anyway," Rise says, "Chie-sempai rejected you, didn't she?"
"But I'm a lesb—"
"So? You're still Yukiko-sempai, even if you like to do it with horses. Okay. Maybe not. Anyway. Chie-sempai. Did she?" Rise really isn't much of a subtle person, because look at where subtlety got her. Yukiko can take blunt; she isn't as fragile as she looks. How can someone who survived her Shadow and able to one hit a tank be fragile?
Her guess must have hit a bull's eye, because despite the distracted way Yukiko is skimming stones over the water, Rise can guess how she's feeling; it's as if Rise's heart feels the pain alongside with her. Feels like she wants to hug her and kiss her and say that everything's alright, sempai.
Kiss? That's... strange.
"...she did, didn't she? ...I'm sorry. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."
"She ran away."
"Ran..."
The stone skips three times before it plunges. "When I told her I love her."
"Oh. I see," Rise says when she can't find any other safe alternative.
"It's a normal response after knowing that your best friend has always been gay for you."
"No it's—"
"Yesterday she told me she's going out with Nagase-kun."
Uh.
"...wow, that's a shitty action from Chie-sempai." Because it really is. Rise doesn't understand why Chie would tell someone so obviously in love with her that she's dating another guy. Imagine the hurt it would inflict. But Rise doesn't have to imagine, because here she is, seeing the aftermath inflicted by the careless words.
"She just thinks that it's best for me to know." There's a throw again, but this time the stone sinks immediately.
"It's still not right," Rise starts adamantly. "She shouldn't have done that. That was just selfish and stupid- urgh. Sorry, shouldn't have said that."
Half expecting to see Yukiko angry for having her crush's intelligence being questioned, Rise glances sideways, and is not at all surprised to see Yukiko's lips set in a thin line. Okay. Insulting Chie was a shitty action on her part.
She's about to apologise when she realises that it isn't anger that is causing Yukiko to purse her lips like that. It's the effort of smothering a smile.
"Chie might be an idiot sometimes, but she's a nice idiot." By the end of the last sentence, Yukiko is smiling beautifully.
What Yukiko has said was akin to: he's an idiot, but he my idiot. For some reason, she is not at all happy at the thought of Yukiko using the possessive pronoun to refer to Chie.
"She won't hurt me intentionally. Or at least..."
"She tries not to?"
"...yes."
The smile has disappeared to be replaced by the blank expression that seems to be Yukiko's fall-back expression these days.
By then Rise has realised three things.
One: Yukiko is still crazy in love with Chie.
Two: Rise doesn't like it. At all.
Three: if Rise had been in Chie's shoes, she would have done things very differently.
"If I were Chie-sempai, I wouldn't have run away," Rise says. Yukiko maintains her silence, but she is looking at Rise. "I would have said yes in a heartbeat." Or eight. Because realistically, she'll have to get over her shock first. But she would have said yes. Definitely yes.
For some reason, yes.
"You wouldn't. But thank you, for trying to make me feel better."
And even with Yukiko looking like that, arms encircling her knees, staring blankly at the water, Rise still thinks she's extremely beautiful. There aren't really girls like her in the city, the elegance of beauty unaltered by hair dyes, thick make-ups and outrageous fashion. It's just that her sempai is extremely beautiful and Rise can't help but feel her heart skip a beat every time she looks at her. But then again, maybe it's not just jealousy over someone prettier than you; her heart did race yesterday when she saw Yukiko in her robes, didn't it?
She doesn't believe what she's going to do – because it's really just an impulsive action. Or maybe not. Maybe she's planned this all along: the stalking, the snooping, her worried nagging for Yukiko's safety in the dungeon. Maybe it's a subconscious thing. Maybe she just likes her beauty. Maybe-
"I'm not saying that just to make you feel better," Rise says, and grabs Yukiko's arm. She forces her body to lean towards hers and kisses her.
Yukiko's trying to pull away, but Rise isn't relenting. She knows Yukiko protests are half-hearted, because soon she feels arms encircling her back, pulling her tighter into an embrace. They stayed that way for a long time, so long Rise is dizzy from the sensation, from Yukiko's scent. It's just a chaste kiss, but it's pleasant and feels oh so right, somehow. Pleasant and... her heart is beating so rapidly she's worried.
Pleasant and right and
Yukiko pulls away. "Kujikawa-san..." she says, in a tone that suggested she can't quite believe what has just transpired.
Well, that makes it both of them. Did she just- right. She did. Maybe she should hurl herself into the river right now, because just kissing Yukiko like that – and so suddenly, too – it just seems inappropriate. But Rise likes it. Likes the taste of Yukiko on her lips. "I... I apologise. But I think I like you. Guess that makes me a lesbian too, huh?" She says, smiling wryly. "Be my girlfriend, sempai."
Because hey, she's a blunt person. Can't help it. She's decides that she really likes Yukiko, and that's it.
Yukiko is still holding her arms tightly, body facing towards her, slightly out of breath. "I- you... like... me?"
"I do."
"But Chie..."
Rise sighs. "I know that it's very sudden, and I know that you still love Chie-sempai. But it's okay, I understand. Just risk it, maybe we'll work it out. Maybe we won't, and that's alright. I just don't want to see you suffer anymore, sempai." Although it's not much of a confession speech (because she has only realised her own feeling a few minutes ago), it feels like the right thing to say – she meant it from her heart, after all. But Yukiko is silent for so long, she feels her confidence starting to waver. It was an impulsive action, and impulsive actions never seem to end right. She picks a pebble and skips it across the water. Seven times; a personal record. Perhaps it's time to go. She is about to brush the grass off her skirt when Yukiko's hand finds her own. "Sempai?"
Yukiko is glancing downwards, but Rise can still see the shade of red in her cheeks. Like how she can see that Yukiko is biting her lips – another sign of agitation Rise has learned to look for in the dungeons.
"I..." Yukiko says haltingly, picking her words. Fails. "Thank you, Kujikawa-san. But I. I-"
Yes. It's time to go, Rise realised as Yukiko falters and grasps for meaningless, polite words. Rise knows what she's going to say next. Something like, I'm very pleased to receive your confession, but sadly I...
Suddenly like guys. Do not like anyone but Chie. Am suddenly in love with Seta-kun/Teddie/Kanji-kun/Naoto-kun/Hanamura-kun/Dojima-san/that old man in front of the shrine. Am weirded out by the sudden confession of a closet-lesbian underclassman-slash-idol.
What was she thinking?
Continued
Next: Souji plays Mr. Consultant to a bunch of miserable people and thinks about the exquisiteness of well-made tempura. Maybe.