Disclaimer: Still don't own it.
Claire POV
My life is complete crap. And I have the worst migraine today. It's a Thursday and I should be in school but mom let me stay home since last time I went to school with a migraine it lasted two days longer than normal. I've been getting headaches for about two years now but a month or so before I turned fifteen they got worse and turned into full blown eye exploding, vomit inducing, world stopping nightmares. And that totally works because not long after they started my life became even more pointless than it was already.
I've decided not to celebrate any more birthdays. My twelfth birthday was the beginning of the end of the best thing in my life – my friendship with Quil. Since then bad things have always happened and this last one was no exception. I started getting my headaches shortly after I turned thirteen and that party sucked because my favorite person was missing. I kept waiting for Quil to show up and tell me I was being a big baby and to get over myself and then things could go back to normal. But he never came.
On my fourteenth birthday there was a really bad storm and everyone was house bound to avoid the torrential rain and flooding streets. The sad part is, I really didn't miss having my friends there. So I spent the day with my family and was eventually able to get away and mope because the one thing I really wanted didn't happen – Quil didn't come. And then I felt like a total jerk because I knew it was all my fault. I just didn't know how to call Quil and say, 'hey, I know it's been a year and a half, and I was a complete idiot, but could you maybe drop your cool grown up life and come hang out with an immature teenager?'
I don't think so.
There just isn't fixing what I did. I know that now.
After I sent Quil away I focused on making new friends like I told him I would and things went pretty well for a while. I had people to sit with at lunch and after a few months everyone stopped looking at me differently and Quil's name eventually faded out of conversation. But to say I was happy would be a bit of a reach. I smiled and played the part of an adjusted girl but I was barely even content some of the time. No matter what I did or tried I never felt as care free and out right happy as I had before I changed everything.
So I decided to focus instead on making other people happy. I went to school and got decent grades so my parents wouldn't worry. I did things with kids my age after school and on the weekends to fill out the charade but I never found the same connection with anyone that I had with Quil. He always understood me without me having to explain things. I found it harder and harder to relate to the girls around me as my mood continued to sour.
And that brings me back to birthdays. I wish I could forget my fifteenth birthday. My parents encouraged me to do something with friends and I really didn't want the whole party thing so I opted to go to a movie with a group of people from school instead. We went to a comedy and that was all right. Afterward we were hanging out in front of the theater, waiting for parents to pick us up. Beth and the other girls got talking about boys and make-up and things and my attention wandered. While I pretended to listen to the girls I overheard the boys talking in a similar huddle nearby. A new boy, Trevor, asked about me. Kevin, who I wished would just crawl in a hole and disappear, immediately told him that I was intimidating because I'd been with an older guy already. Then he continued to say that they all hung out with me because they felt bad and it was just the nice thing to do since I was physically abused and abandoned by said older man. Then he concluded by telling Trevor that Molly had been sneaking looks at him all night.
Would this never end? I swear Kevin is out to ruin my entire life. After that night I started distancing myself from that group of kids and sweet Beth was the only one who noticed. I guess I may have found one friend worth having through all of this. So I've pretty much been keeping to myself again and that is just fine. This way I can be depressed and not pull people down with me. Also, very few people noticed and asked questions when I started missing school a few weeks later because of the migraines.
Which brings me back to today. I left the sanctuary of my quiet dark room to go to the kitchen for something to eat. I squinted at first in the brighter light, praying that it wouldn't prolong the migraine. I found mom paying the bills at the table and I poured myself some grape juice from the fridge.
"Can I fix you anything to eat?" mom offered.
"I think I just want a peanut butter sandwich." I told her as I pulled everything out to make one.
"Okay." She said just as the phone rang. She got up and answered it. "hello?" she paused. "Oh, hi Emily."
I glanced up to see her turn from me and face the front room. Strange.
"Oh no. When?" there was a hitch in her voice and I could tell whatever happened was bad.
Mom sniffed. "When is the funeral?"
What? That got my attention.
"How is Sam handling it? I know they were close. . . . And what about? . . . Yeah. I can imagine. . . Is there anything I can do to help? . . . Sure, of course. That would be no problem. . . Do you want me to come pick them up? . . . Okay. I'll make something for the family too and being it when I come. . . Yeah. Pass on our condolences. . . . Okay Em. Take care okay? I'll be thinking of you. . . . Yeah. Bye."
I stood frozen at the table halfway through spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread as I listened. Who died? I could tell that it was someone important to the pack. Was Quil upset? Was he okay? Panic set in and over-ruled any rational thought. I started to shake uncontrollably and mom looked at me in alarm after she hung up the phone.
"Claire?" she rushed to me and helped me sit in the nearest chair. "What's wrong honey? Is it your head?" she hovered in concern and I looked up into her eyes.
"Who?" was all I could manage.
"What?" she looked confused but followed my gaze to the phone and understanding dawned on her face. She visibly relaxed but sadness remained in her eyes. "Quil's grandfather died late last night. Emily wanted to see if I could come and sit with the kids after the funeral. She and Sam were quite close to him since he was a tribal Elder and was so involved with the pack. They will have a lot to do the next few days. I'll go down tomorrow and stay through Saturday to help out until everything is done." Mom paused to think a moment. "I need to talk to your father and make sure he can be here with you kids. Unless, um, do you want to come? I'm sure it would cheer Quil up some. You know how close he was to his grandpa."
I shook my head. I was relieved but still sad. Poor Quil – he must feel terrible. His grandpa was one of his heroes. But go see him and bring up petty teenage issues while he's dealing with this? No. Even I wasn't that selfish.
"Claire?"
"No. He won't want to see me right now." I shook my head again and stood up to leave the table.
"I don't know, Claire; he was always happy to see you. Maybe it's time you see him again." mom suggested.
"I would be in the way. He needs to be with family." My head throbbed and I felt dizzy. I shut my eyes to the pain for a moment and then hurried back to my room. I wanted to be alone.
. . .
The migraine lasted through Monday. My medications did little to ease the pain so I stayed in the dark and quiet of my room most of the weekend, eating the food dad brought me but otherwise avoiding my brother and sister and any noise they may make. This particular migraine just wasn't easing up and I could barely stand to sit up straight and eat. Reading was out of the question because my eyes stung. Music was a no go because my ears would ring. I lay on my bed in the dark with my eyes closed, napping here and there all day Sunday, hoping it would go away soon.
With all the quiet I ended up thinking about Quil. This isn't very odd though because he is often on my mind. I imagine him with the pack, sometimes human, sometimes wolf, and I hope he is happy and enjoying life. I figure he is working and dating and doing all the normal stuff he didn't do when he was hanging out with me. No one has ever said anything but maybe he has Imprinted by now. It would be a relief to know he hasn't been lonely, but thinking about him with some random faceless woman makes me slightly ill. If he is with someone she has to be pretty amazing to deserve him. I shy away from these thoughts and move on to my favorite memories of him.
Mom ended up staying in La Push at Aunt Emily's until Sunday. When she got home she came to see me. She was tired from the emotionally draining weekend and it didn't help that she was concerned about me when she got home. I was becoming nocturnal since during the night I didn't have to deal with the bright light of the sun hurting my eyes and adding to the pounding in my head, so around 11pm when everyone else was usually asleep I crept downstairs to the kitchen in the semi-darkness. Before I could get there however I heard low voices talking.
"We may need to do something. Sitting back and waiting for them isn't working and he's in really bad shape." Mom spoke in low tones. I could hear the worry lacing her voice and I held still in the hallway listening.
"You may be right. She's not doing well at all. I was thinking; could her migraine be related to what happened? I mean, could they be that connected?" Dad asked in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Emily and I discussed that this weekend and I believe so." Mom answered.
What was that supposed to mean? My migraines weren't connected to anything. We've been looking for the cause since they started and the doctors have no clue.
I heard someone yawn and then the scraping of chairs on the floor. "I need to get some sleep so I can be of use at work tomorrow." Dad said.
I walked around the corner and grimaced at the light. "Hey."
"Do you need something?" mom asked, pulling me into a hug.
"I just wanted a snack. Why aren't you guys in bed?" I asked.
"We are on our way now. Good night sweet heart." Dad left a kiss on top of my head and walked away toward his room.
Mom made some cinnamon toast for me while I mixed up some hot cocoa. We put the food on the table and mom sat across from me as I nibbled on the toast.
"Claire, your Aunt Emily and I were talking and we thought maybe you should spend this summer in La Push with her." Mom said.
"Why?"
Mom sighed. "There are several reasons: one of them being that I think you could use a change of scenery. You haven't been very happy lately and I know you aren't spending much time with friends. You may be able to find something there that can help you."
"Like Quil?" I asked pointedly, glaring at her. I was glad she liked Quil and all, but she really wasn't helping me when she mentioned him every so often. Those reminders just made me feel guilty and miss him.
"Yes." she answered without even flinching.
"Is this because I didn't go with you this weekend? Because you know I don't do well around people when I have a migraine."
"You can't avoid him forever. You need to talk to him and work out whatever it is keeping you apart." She wasn't about to let me change the subject.
"Talking won't fix it. I already fixed the problem anyway. And why do you care so much?" I demanded as my guilt flared.
"Sending someone away isn't fixing a problem, it's avoiding it Claire. Quil deserves better from you."
"I agree! Quil is amazing and he deserves more of a life than hanging out here with me."
Mom huffed in exasperation. "Just promise me you will see him and talk when you go out there next month. And yes, you will stay there all summer because I have already worked everything out with Emily. Her kids are looking forward to seeing you."
I simply nodded and looked down at the warm cocoa enclosed in my hands to warm them. I heard mom sigh and get up.
"Good night. Try to get more sleep when you are done and we'll see if you are up to school tomorrow." Mom said and left.
I finished my food and left the dishes in the sink before going to my room. I didn't go to school the next day.
. . .
Quil POV
Before Quil Sr. died a little over a month ago he called me to his room.
Over the last three years he has been the only one who didn't placate me with empty promises. "Things will work out". "She will come around". "You'll be okay". He has always been there for me, but especially about my imprinting. He was the one who helped explain things to Sally and Mark so they would let me spend time with Claire. He has even called to talk to them a few times since 'the separation' as everyone calls it. He was always adamant that imprint issues be handled by the couple involved. He supported Sam while he tried to win over Emily after the messy breakup with Leah. He smoothed things over with the council and pack when Jake wanted to leave with the Cullens when it came time for them to move on. He kept everyone calm and getting along when we allowed leeches on the res for one day when Jake and Nessie got married on the beach. He forbade anyone else from trying to convince Claire to change her mind when she sent me away.
Quil Sr. wasn't sick very long. Two days before he died he just didn't get out of bed. The whole family made sure to visit him, including myself. We had a nice talk and then I had to go on patrol. I was surprised on Wednesday night when Todd phased and said Quil Sr. wanted me. I got to his room just after ten at night. When I sat down on his bed beside him he grabbed my hand and pulled me close. I still couldn't feel anything when people touched me and he knew that.
"I'm going to my rest soon. I am content and I don't want you to be sad." He said.
"Grandpa." I hated to hear him talk of dying.
"No. I want you to listen. I am proud of you and the pack. I understand why you can't lead and I don't want you to feel bad about that. You are a good man and you will be happy."
"Don't worry about me, grandpa."
"I'm not worried, but you need to know you shouldn't worry either. I have something to say about you and Claire: trust the power of your connection to each other. You are not the only one suffering. She will come back because this is what is meant to be. You will be together. I know it as surely as I know I am Quileute."
"Thanks grandpa." I wanted to believe him. I desperately hoped his words were true. I nodded at him and he reached for my hand again. I imagine he squeezed my fingers tightly like he used to when he wanted to reassure me about something.
"You won't have to wait long." He said. "Now go back to work." There was a hint of his usual twinkle in his eye and he waved me off.
"Good night grandpa." I told him. Those were the last words we shared. I was still patrolling at 2 am when Embry phased to tell me he was gone. He had lived a good life and I knew he was at peace with what was coming, but my grief at his loss still crippled me. I stopped running, let out a mournful howl and curled up on the forest floor near a fallen tree. My feelings were too much and I knew I wouldn't be able to phase. Embry quietly left my mind and I let my memories flow freely, good and bad, as I mourned the life of the greatest man I knew.
It was a struggle to phase back human the next day, but there were things to be done. After cleaning up I spent the day with my parents and siblings, helping where I could, letting the rest of my senses go numb like my body. I found no comfort for myself and several times I picked up the phone, ready to call Claire and beg her to come. In the evening Emily came and I heard her telling my sister Naomi that she spoke to Sally and she would come tomorrow. When Naomi asked if Claire would come I was sad to hear that she suffered from migraines. Grandpa's words rang in my ears: "you are not the only one suffering".
I called Emily over to me. "How long has she had headaches?"
She didn't need to ask who I meant. "Her headaches started a few months after the separation and they've continually gotten worse and turned into migraines. Her pain medications don't really help and she just kind of has to wait them out." She explained.
I didn't think I was capable of feeling more pain than I was already in. Apparently I was wrong. I sank into the nearest chair, gasping for breath. "Emily."
"I know, Quil. They will go away once you two are together again. Just like she will be the one who can touch you."
I looked up to see that Emily was rubbing my shoulder in a comforting gesture. It's amazing how such a simple gesture can mean so much, and the loss of it can be so hard.
"I'm sorry Quil. About everything." Emily said. I knew she meant it. She wasn't much older than me, but she had always been like a mother to the pack and I saw her as a second mother myself.
"Thanks." I said. After that I was able to get away to the back yard and sit in companionable silence with my little brother Avery as we each dealt with our grief.
. . .
The funeral and the weeks after were kind of a blur for me. I worked a lot, only taking time off during the days after grandpa died until the funeral. The rest of my time I spent phased or sleeping. I felt best when I had something to do, something to focus on besides my own thoughts and feelings. The rest of the pack was understanding and when they ran with me they kept up a running dialogue of what was happening to them to distract me. I don't know if they knew how much it helped.
One afternoon I was out running and had to dodge several groups of kids hiking in the woods.
What is going on? I asked Brady who was running too.
School is out. The kids need to get out and explore a little, you know, remind themselves that the world is bigger than the four walls they've been stuck in studying. He answered.
Oh. I didn't realize.
We will have to be more careful when we run. Watch for new smells and humans. He advised.
Yeah. Okay.
We fell into our own thoughts again. I leisurely ran a wide circuit around the res, following our extreme borders. Strictly speaking we didn't need to run patrols as often as we did – there just weren't that many vampires coming through the area anymore. More than anything it was habit from the old days. Plus, there's a lot to be said for just getting out on four legs and running with the wind in your fur.
As evening fell I was running near the main road entrance to La Push when I caught the most intoxicating scent floating on the breeze. While being careful about populated areas I followed the scent until I reached the main part of town. I phased, pulling on a ragged pair of cargo shorts, and started walking casually down the road, still following the delicious smell. Few people paid any attention since I was often seen dressed this way around the res.
The scent kept going beyond the center of town and I was able to get into the cover of the forest again. I was too preoccupied to phase wolf or pay attention to where I was. The scent grew stronger and I knew I was close to finding out what was creating the heavenly scent. There was a house in front of me and I stopped in surprise. It was Sam's house. There was a new car in front of it though and as I neared slowly I realized the smell came from the car and then had clearly entered the house. I heard voices inside and I quietly slipped around the side of the house to a large window that would let me see inside without intruding. The light inside drew me like a beacon in the falling darkness. I had no idea what came over me, to sneak around like this, but I had to know who the scent belonged to.
Then I saw her.
Claire.
Of course! But why didn't I recognize it? I should have known it was her scent immediately. I took a deep breath, pulling her scent into me again. Then I realized. It was deeper and more complex now. Her scent had changed subtly from that of a child to a woman.
A woman!
My mind raced back a few years to when this happened to Jake. Nessie had physically matured into a teenager and her cycle started, throwing Jake off completely for more than one reason. Not only did her scent change, but for him it had become stronger, more enticing, and it called to him. It wasn't long after this change occurred that her feelings for Jake had changed too. That was a fun day at the Cullen house!
I stared hungrily in the window at my imprint – it had been too long since I saw her last. She was beautiful – even more than I remembered now that she had grown and matured. Her waist length hair was straight and shiny, her brown eyes were deep and warm, there was a light blush on her cheeks and her lips were mesmerizing as she spoke to someone. My eyes traveled down her body. O Great Spirit, her body! The flowing top and blue jeans she wore accented her gentle new curves nicely. I drank in the sight of her like soil drinks rain after a drought. I moved without conscious thought and suddenly realized I was too close when my own breath clouded the window, obscuring my view.
Thankfully at that moment I was yanked away from the bright window and into the darkness on the side of the house.
"What are you doing?" Sam hissed in a loud whisper as I turned to him. I felt drugged and sluggish. Everything other than Claire was hazy, distant, and out of focus. Sam snapped his fingers in front of my face and I shook my head to clear the fog.
"Sorry Sam." I said quietly.
"You can't just stare in a window at people like that! You are lucky I saw you before Claire did." Sam whispered.
"I didn't mean to stare. I didn't even know. . . I just . . ." I trailed off, not having words for how I felt. She was here. For the first time in three years, Claire was in La Push. More than that, she was just inside this house, within my reach. But so far from it. I still had no idea if she wanted to see me or would talk to me if I approached her.
"I know. It's okay, I just didn't want you to scare her and ruin this chance." Sam said, watching me sympathetically as I craned my neck back toward the window to catch another glimpse. "Listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but I didn't want to get your hopes up in case she found a way out of it. When Sally was here for Quil Sr.'s funeral she and Emily planned to have Claire stay here for the summer. Just give me a little time to feel her out and see how she reacts when we mention you. Remember, I'm on your side." Sam moved his face directly in front of mine again and made eye contact. He may not be an active member of the pack or the Alpha anymore, but he still held a certain amount of authority in my eyes.
"She'll be here all summer?" I asked in awe. I silently thanked grandpa wherever he was.
"Yes. Just don't try to jump her tonight and blow it, okay?" Sam grinned knowingly at me and I felt my cheeks heat up.
Crap. Was I that obvious?
"Relax. It's not your fault. I've been in your shoes before. Well, not exactly with the age difference, but I know how strong the pull is for you to be near her." Sam said. He took a step away to go in the back door. "Oh, and when you sleep out here tonight, make sure you keep a safe distance away so no one sees you or I'll have Embry give you a command." He threatened with a smirk before disappearing inside.
To be safe I stepped back into the trees but still where I had a good view of the window to their family room. I looked down and wrapped my arms around a small tree, leaning my head to one side so I could see. I couldn't feel the bark, but hoped that now I would notice if I moved away from this spot.
I could see Claire sitting on one of the couches with her mom, facing Emily and her cousins. She sat sideways to me so I could see her profile and watch without being seen. A half an hour later someone cleared their throat to my left and I was surprised to see Embry standing there. I hadn't even heard him walk up.
"I phased to tell you Claire was here but Brady told me you ran off after some scent that had you going crazy. I see you found her." He nodded toward the house.
"I couldn't help it." I said.
"Yeah. Well, I figure you've been standing here for a while and still haven't eaten since before your run, so why don't you come with me for a little while. We'll get some pizzas and you can come back after." Embry suggested.
Food. Was I even hungry? I didn't know.
"Come on." He laughed and pulled me away from Sam's house. "Don't make me order you."
"But she's here." I complained as we walked further away.
"Yes, and she'll be here later too." He was still laughing at me.
"Did you see her? She's gorgeous." I said.
"She's growing up nicely." He agreed.
Growing. She's not grown yet. She's still so young. My mood dropped. "Oh no. She's only fifteen and I . . . I am a pedophile!" It was true. I wanted her. When I first saw her, before Sam came out, I felt like a boy going through puberty all over again. My body had done things I haven't felt in thirteen years. I'm twice her age! I am disgusting.
Embry just laughed. "No you aren't. Do you think normal rules apply to us? You had an extreme growth spurt at sixteen, you regularly burst into a huge wolf, can rip apart vampires with your teeth, have super senses and healing abilities, have a soul mate and can potentially live forever. You are not normal. Besides, I've seen in your head and know for a fact that you haven't been attracted to a woman in years, and that includes Claire. If you are attracted to her now, then she is ready for you to be, or she will be soon."
I shook my head. "I still need to be careful and not rush things."
"Especially since you haven't actually spoken to her yet." He pointed out.
"Oh, yeah." Way to jump ten steps ahead, idiot! I berated myself.
"Don't worry. I've got your back. I'll try not to let you embarrass yourself too much." Embry offered.
We walked into my house and Embry called for pizza while I channel surfed on my sad little excuse for a tv.
. . .
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