Return to Me – part 4
Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. I just have an overactive imagination.
Claire POV
Driving into La Push was strange. The near constant headache I'd had since the weekend of Quil's grandpa's funeral eased slightly just after we passed the sign welcoming us onto the reservation. I stared into the forest as mom drove in silence, having exhausted our conversation much earlier. She seemed anxious for some reason, and while I knew she loved seeing her sister, that just couldn't be it.
She drove us straight to Aunt Emily's house where the door opened before we could even get out of the car. My four cousins pushed out the door past Emily and nearly knocked me over in their attempts to be the first to hug me. Emily hugged me after mom and Uncle Sam stood on the steps watching the forest carefully, only hugging me on my way into the house. He stayed outside after the rest of us came in and lurked by the door while we started talking in the area between the kitchen and family room. The kids were going non-stop and I had a hard time keeping up with all of their questions. Emily watched me with a soft smile and seemed just as eager to hear my answers as her kids were. Mom just stayed quiet behind me, watching the reunion. I haven't seen my cousins in about a year; not since the last time they came up to Makah to visit us.
I have to admit, Uncle Sam's tense expression made me nervous. While the kids played 20 questions with me, he kept glancing out the window by the door and I half expected Quil to come bursting through any minute. I was actually a little disappointed when he didn't. I tried not to show it though, so my cousins wouldn't think I wasn't happy to see them. But it was bizarre when Sam slipped out the door and came back a few minutes later smiling. What caused the change in his attitude? Was it a wolf thing? Is that why he was watching the woods? Was it Quil? He was a wolf after all. My heart sped up a little at the thought.
I followed mom's lead and sat in the family room with everyone to talk some more. Sam and Emily exchanged a look and she seemed happier somehow. What was going on? And what is it with married people communicating without talking anyway? My parents do it too and it's so frustrating because it's like they have a secret you just can't know about. It's so unfair.
I glanced at the window and felt more peaceful. There was just something right about being here. It didn't make sense since this wasn't my home, but I found myself slowly relaxing more and more. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to live here all summer like I had feared it would. And yes, I did hope I would have the chance to see Quil and try to restart our friendship. I had no idea if he would forgive me, but it was worth a try.
A little bit before mom left I already started missing her. I guess I was anticipating being here without my own family, so I shoved the feeling back down and went out to the car with her to get my two bags. I had to pack everything that would define me for three months into two suitcases. Dismal. Oh well. I remember this place being fun, so I had to find something here to keep me busy right? Oh yeah. Last time Quil kept me busy and entertained. I didn't have him now.
I settled into my room with Emily's help after mom left. My oldest cousin Alex, who is thirteen, agreed to share a room with his younger brother Tyler who is only 8. The ten year old twins Kylie and Kara have their own room as well. And that left me in Alex's old room which is farthest away from Emily and Sam and would give me the most privacy. When Emily left me to go help Sam get the kids in bed I took a deep breath and sat down on the bed, staring at the black window across from me. As I sat there quietly a peace came over me and I smiled to myself. There it was again: that feeling that said I was supposed to be here.
I went to the window and pulled out the chair by the desk, moving it slightly so I could see out the window from it. I slid the window up and looked out over the forest from my second story room. The trees were bathed in moonlight and the forest was beautiful. I thought I saw a slight movement in the darkness but then the wind rippled through the trees bringing a cool burst of air into the room. I reluctantly closed the window and pulled down the shades so I could get ready for bed.
. . .
In the morning the twins woke me up promptly at 7:15. I clearly wasn't going to get to sleep in much here. Oh well, I almost didn't mind because the kids were so cute and excited to do something with me today. On the bright side I even woke up without a headache, which is a pretty rare thing these days. So when Tyler joined the twins in pulling and pushing me downstairs for breakfast, I pretended to resist and we were all laughing as we half-wrestled our way to the kitchen where Emily was making waffles. We joined Sam at the table where he ate quickly so he could get to work.
"So what do you do Sam?" I was embarrassed that I hadn't thought to find out before now. I guess since Quil told me about the pack and Sam's role there, that was how I pictured him.
"I work for the office of tribal affairs, but I'm basically a glorified handy man. I fix what needs to be fixed, keeping up public lands, trails, signs, and buildings. At first it was a way I could work but still have a loose schedule to handle the pack, but I got used to it so I stayed with it after I retired from the pack." He answered.
"That's cool." I said.
"Yeah, until he takes you along and you spend all day cleaning camp sites and burying logs in the ground to reinforce hiking trails." Alex said around a mouthful of sausage.
"And somehow you survived." Sam rolled his eyes at his son and I almost snorted out my orange juice.
Emily came over to the table with another stack of waffles and sat down across from me. "What do you all want to do today?" she asked.
"Dinosaurs!" Tyler yelled.
"Monopoly!" Kylie called.
"Movie!" Kara voted.
"Frisbee." Alex said.
Sam just laughed as his kids then started arguing for each of their choices. Emily shook her head and started eating while I watched in awe. My house was so quiet compared to this. But I liked it. They had so much life. And luckily I didn't have to run away because my head hurt. This was a welcome change.
There was a knock on the back door a moment before it opened. Sam took a last bite of his food and stood up from the table as a tall man walked through the door. He waved and smiled at the room in general and then his brow furrowed as his gaze stopped on me. He looked familiar but I couldn't remember his name.
"Hi Jared." A chorus rose from all the kids.
"Hey," he responded.
"I'll be ready in a second." Sam said.
"Jared, you remember Claire. She's staying with us for the summer." Emily said and his eyes widened. She nodded once and his face relaxed into a small smile.
"Nice to see you again Claire. I'm sure you'll have a warm welcome." He said.
I was a little afraid of what he was referring to and I quickly decided to play things lightly. "Yeah, my cousins have been really great." I said.
Sam came back and kissed Emily on the cheek then joined Jared near the door. "Let's go." He said simply and the two men said quick goodbyes and left.
The kids returned to their argument and fought for my attention while Emily sat quietly eating and stealing glances at me. I felt my cheeks burn slightly and pretended to listen to the kids while I tried to swallow down the rest of my breakfast. I knew Jared used to be part of the pack and no doubt knew of my friendship with Quil. I was both dreading and waiting for someone to mention him, but it seemed like we were all tip-toeing around the giant wolf in the room.
My right hand automatically moved to my left wrist to pull at the worn leather bracelet. I ran my thumb over the smooth green stone to soothe myself, as I often did when I felt nervous. The fact was that sooner or later I would see Quil and I would have to face whatever his life was like now. Since I often snapped or changed the subject, my parents learned long ago not to mention my old best friend, so I had no idea if he had moved or was married and had kids. My stomach turned as that thought entered my mind. Part of me was dying to ask Emily, the other part of me was afraid of the answer. I was at an emotional standstill and wished someone would just take the choice away from me. It wouldn't make facing him any easier, but it might take away the stress of trying to figure out when or if I would ever be ready to see him.
"Claire?" Kara waved a hand in front of my face. "Are you in there?" she teased.
"Sorry. What?" I pulled myself from my thoughts and focused again on my cousins. I quickly looked away from Emily's concerned face.
"Alex just asked you what you want to do. We can't decide." Kylie said.
"Monopoly." I picked the option I felt could take the most time and which would hopefully keep us occupied and on safe topics for the rest of the morning.
I was right. We ended up playing an epic game that lasted until early afternoon, only taking a small lunch break when Emily forced us to. Alex won and quickly started gloating, causing the girls to flee to their room and Tyler to attack him which led to a wrestling match on the family room floor. I laughed, enjoying their antics for a minute before retreating to my room as well. I was ready for a little quiet time to myself.
I closed the door to my room and went straight to the window. I opened it a little to let in some fresh air and sat in the desk chair beside it again. I stared out into the seemingly endless green of the forest on this side of the house and took a deep breath. There was something calming about being here. I hoped that mom was right and the change of scenery was what I needed. Something in my life had to change, that was clear enough. Maybe I could find the answers here.
I reached over to the desk and picked up my journal. I opened the front cover and pulled out a worn photo. It was Quil and I on my last visit to La Push when I was twelve: his arm was slung carelessly around my shoulders and we both had huge smiles. I hadn't had my last growth spurt yet and I only came up to the middle of his chest. To anyone else it would look like I was with an uncle or something due to the difference in our ages. I did a quick calculation in my head: he had to be close to thirty by now. He was twice my age, and yet he somehow mocked me as he smiled up from the photo with boyish good looks. Would he have changed at all by now?
The familiar anxious fluttering began in my stomach when I thought about seeing him. Would he hate me? Or worse, would he not even care that I was here? I doubted that he had spent as much time thinking of me as I did of him over the last three years.
A light knock on my door startle me and I hurriedly stashed the photo back in my journal.
"Come in." I said as I composed myself again.
Emily's head poked in the door as she opened it a fraction. "Hey Claire. Can we talk for a minute?" she asked.
"Okay." I said.
She slipped in the door and closed it again behind her. She came and sat on the corner of my bed, facing me. She noted my position by the window and nodded toward it. "I like the view from this room."
"Yeah." I agreed weakly.
Emily studied me for a moment. "Are you all right, Claire? Is there anything I can do for you?"
I shook my head. "I'll be fine. Thanks for letting me stay here."
"We are glad to have you." Emily smiled gently. "You used to come here all the time. We've all missed you the last few years. How is your head feeling?"
"Better. I only have a small headache today. I don't know if mom told you, but when I get a migraine I get kind of anti-social. It's easier to avoid loud noises and stuff while I wait it out, so don't take it personally." I said.
"I have a feeling you won't have many migraines here." Emily said. Then she looked down at her hands in her lap as she thought for a moment. She lifted her head and smiled again. "I haven't been able to ask yet; is there anything specific you want to do while you're here this summer? There are a lot of people who are excited to see you. Would you mind a welcome back party?"
"Uh, a party?" I hesitated. A party meant lots of people and attention. Was I ready for that? "I haven't really been to many parties, outside of birthdays, anyway. I don't know. And I don't have any plans this summer other than being here."
"Oh." Emily looked disappointed. "Well, would you mind if some people came by to say hello? I know they are anxious to see you."
"Really? Who wants to see me?" I held my breath.
"Mostly the pack, since they are the ones you spent time with before. There is a small group who knows the truth and it's relaxing for the guys to hang out and not have to hide things. They are comfortable with you because you know."
"Yeah." And it all came back to Quil again. He was the reason I know about the pack in the first place. "That's okay I guess, they can come over."
Emily smiled again, her emotions showing plainly on her beautiful scarred face. "All right. I'll let them now." She stood up and started for the door. "Are you hungry? Do you need anything?" she asked as she opened the door to leave.
"No thanks. I'm okay." I said.
. . .
Quil POV
I slept in the forest in my wolf form that first night. I watched happily as Claire looked out the window into the forest where I sat to be near her. I knew she couldn't see me, but it warmed me inside to know she was so close. I curled up and had the best night's sleep that I've had in years.
I woke up when the sun rose and reluctantly went home to shower. I had the early shift at the garage and was eager to get to work and get things done. I finished everything in record time and went straight back to Sam's house to my spot just out of sight below Claire's window and phased. My heart leapt when I saw her inside and I had to force myself to hold still and remain quiet when she opened the window again. That open window called to me like an invitation and hope rose inside me. Maybe she would be ready to see me again. I still don't know what I did to scare her away but I prayed that whatever it was didn't matter anymore and she would let me into her life again.
I could see her face clearly from where I sat. She was looking at something and it seemed to make her sad. A strange mix of emotions emanated from her room and I longed to talk to her. Luck was on my side though and I heard Emily come to her room to talk. Emily was clearly worried about her and I was glad to hear that Claire's headaches were easing. I hoped it was because of me. If I could make her life easier or better in any way I would do it, even if it was just by being out here, nearby.
Emily offered Claire a party and I felt that she was nervous. But then she agreed to see people when they came by. It was all I could do to not go barreling into the house that second.
Down boy Todd teased me.
Shut up. You don't understand.
Oh, I've lived in your head long enough. It would be a little weird if you show up the very moment she says she's okay with seeing people. So how about we come back tonight with Embry and we can help you act casual. He offered.
Thanks. That would be great.
No problem. Any changes for you? Can you feel anything yet?
I flexed my paws in the soil below me. It wasn't cool or gritty. I only felt a slight pressure which was my only indication I was touching anything. Nope. Not yet.
Hmm. Maybe seeing her will help.
We'll see, won't we? I said.
Alright. Well, stop stalking her then. Go home and do something for a while. We'll go back after they have dinner tonight.
Fine. I grumbled.
I heard Todd's laughter in my head as he kept running his circuit around the res. I took a last look at Claire's window. She was looking out over the trees above my head, lost in thought. I didn't dare hope any of those thoughts involved me. Maybe after I see her again tonight they will though. I waited a minute until Claire looked away so I could move safely and I darted further into the woods and ran as close to my house as I could get before phasing. I was hungry anyway. I tried to convince myself that eating would be enough of a distraction.
. . .
I was staring unseeing at my tv when Todd and Embry came by that evening. I had eaten and forced myself to sit and wait instead of running straight to Sam's to see Claire. I knew I should play this reunion carefully, since I had no idea whether or not she would be happy to see me. My brain knew this, but the rest of me didn't care. I had no pride, I could admit it. If I had my way I would pull her into my arms the moment I saw her and beg her to tell me what she wanted me to do, anything she wanted, to let me into her life.
It was a relief to stand up and walk out the door with the guys. Embry drove us through the neighborhood to Sam's house on the edge of the forest. When he stopped the car I was torn between the intense need to run into the house and a debilitating fear of what could go wrong once I got inside. If she accepted me – if she accepted me . . . I was afraid to think it. I would be in heaven. And if I couldn't have that. . . If she forbade me to see her and sent me away again I would have no reason to live.
Embry cleared his throat and I looked up at my brothers standing in the open car door watching me.
"Maybe we should wait and come back tomorrow. You look kind of green." Embry said, looking doubtful of my ability to function at the moment. He wasn't the only one questioning that.
"Yeah. She will still be here." Todd agreed.
I shook my head. "I can do this." I said as much to reassure myself as them.
Embry opened his mouth to contradict me and I jumped out of the car and started walking toward the house. I would do this. The guys quickly caught up with me and flanked me as we reached the door.
"Let me lead out, okay? We can see how she reacts to you." Embry said. I nodded and in my periphery saw that Todd had a hand on my elbow. I don't know if he meant to comfort or restrain me, but it didn't matter because Sam opened the door right then.
"Hey guys. The kids are all playing games in the kitchen. Emily made cookies." Sam said in full voice. He stood directly in my path while Todd forgot everything and made a beeline for the food. He dropped his voice so only we could hear. "I haven't been able to talk to her about you, but Emily said she was willing to see people. Just act normal, as if it were any other time you come over. Don't pressure her."
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Sam led us into the hub of the house; the kitchen and family room area. I casually followed Embry and Sam to the kitchen counter where there was a huge plate of cookies Todd was already enjoying.
"Hi guys." Emily said in greeting. The kids sent up a chorus of 'hi's as well and Tyler waved frantically at his hero Embry.
I tried to act normal as I looked over the room with a smile but the moment my eyes locked with Claire's I was lost. She stared right back at me and I couldn't distinguish the beating of her racing heart from my own. The rest of the room fell away and I wasn't aware of any sight or sound but her. She was beautiful. I was captivated by her: the shiny hair, her body, those eyes! My confidence faltered when I saw fear in her eyes. She swallowed nervously and her eyes dropped back to the game in front of her. The world came crashing back around me and I heard a low buzzing in my ear.
"Stop staring." Embry mumbled to me and I tore my eyes away from the sweet girl across the room. I felt cold and completely ungrounded as I shuffled my feet and shoved a cookie in my mouth.
Emily stood up and came over to us as the kids resumed their game. "What are you boys up to tonight?" she asked.
"We just wanted to remind you about the bonfire next Saturday. Everyone is bringing their kids early to play on the beach for a bit." Embry said.
"Oh good. Alex has been bugging me to let him come to one." Sam said.
I listened to the conversation but stole glances at Claire, trying not to draw attention to myself or make her uncomfortable. During one of my glances I noticed her right hand tugging at something on her other wrist. Could it be? The smooth green stone caught the light as she nervously fiddled with the last gift I was allowed to give her. My heart sped up, knowing that she still wore it. That had to mean something!
At one point I caught her watching me as I looked up again and I tried to smile but she turned away too quickly, the unmistakable rose of a blush painting her cheeks. I wanted to go to her and beg forgiveness. I have no idea what I did wrong, but I was sorry and I would fix it given the chance. I must have started to move because I was aware of being restrained and looked down to see Sam's hand gripping my upper arm to stop me. His stern expression calmed when I made eye contact and shrugged to say I didn't mean it.
I then followed the guys over to the couches as Sam turned on a video game. I was grateful for something else to focus on although my body was keenly aware of Claire's location in relation to mine. I pushed down the desire to turn around every few minutes just to look at her and was supremely grateful for my understanding brothers and all of their effort to make this more normal. I just wish I knew how to approach her. I had to know if she could still care for me at all.
In the middle of our third game Emily made Tyler leave the kids game so he could get ready for bed and she gave the twins a half-hour warning for their turn. The board game must have ended then because Alex wandered over to watch us and cheer for his dad. Through quick glances I discovered that Claire was in the kitchen with Emily. I was so relieved that she hadn't run off to her room and took it as a good sign that she could stand to be around me.
Embry killed my character in the game and won. I handed my controller to Alex and went to the kitchen under the pretext of wanting another cookie. I went straight to the plate and took two. I ate the first one in two bites and Emily dried her hands on a towel after washing the last pan from dinner. Claire ghosted behind her as they joined me at the counter.
"Hi Claire." I somehow managed to keep my tone normal, but man, did it feel good to say her name!
"Hey." She said quietly, looking away. She looked sad and I wanted nothing more than to gather her in my arms and reassure her that everything would be okay.
"How is your mom doing Quil?" Emily asked conversationally.
I swallowed the last of the second cookie. "She's doing all right. She put off going through grandpa's things for a while but we cleaned out his room last week. Dad is encouraging her to make it into a sewing room, but it's been hard to convince her that it's okay to let go and move on. Grandpa would have wanted her to use it though."
"That is a good idea. She is so talented and deserves to have a space all her own like that." Emily said with a smile.
"No kidding. After putting up with us kids, especially me, she's earned it." I chuckled. It wasn't easy trying to keep a young werewolf fed and clothed. We were lucky Avery never had to phase too.
Claire listened to our exchange in silence but I caught her eye and smiled. She gave me a small smile in return and reached for a cookie for herself. It might not be much, but I call that progress!
I opened my mouth to say something else when Embry stood up and stretched.
"Thanks for the cookies Emily." He said. "But we better be going. Quil's got the next shift anyway."
I looked between him and Claire in a panic. We were just getting started and he was going to make me leave right now?
"Yeah, good game Sam. I'll get you next time." Todd promised.
Sam snorted. "I doubt that."
"Nice to see you again Claire. We'll probably see you around this summer." Embry said and clapped his hand on my shoulder, urging me to move toward the door.
"Sure." Claire said and glanced quickly at me again, looking somewhat nervous.
"Bye Claire." I managed to get out as I was practically pushed out the door. Embry didn't look like he was trying too hard and heaven knows I wasn't helping, and then I realized that Todd was pushing me from behind as well. It must have looked ridiculous, but I was beyond caring at the moment. I had just spent time in the same room as Claire, which was more than I could say for the last three years.