Claire POV
I wasn't going to be able to sleep, that much was clear when I looked at the clock to see that it was only 2:35am. I did some quick math: seven and half hours until Quil's flight leaves. He hasn't even left yet and I can't function. What am I going to do while he's gone?
If I could do anything right now, it would be to go and see him, but I can't do that. Can I? I've never really been one to break the rules like that. And I'm so grateful to the Uley's for letting me stay here that I've never wanted to push them and give them a reason to send me home. But what's the point now? My whole reason for being in La Push is about to leave it and I have no idea when I will see him again.
I debated with myself for another 45 minutes, no nearer to sleep than I had been. The house was silent and I was the only one awake right now, of that I was sure. So I slipped out of bed and crept through the house to the front room. I took my jacket off the peg by the door and picked up my shoes by the door as I quietly opened it and let myself out into the night. I carefully closed the door and went down the porch steps before setting my shoes on the ground and stepping into them. I shrugged into my jacket as I started walking toward Quil's house.
Fifteen minutes later I was in front of his house. Now I was frozen by indecision. It wasn't really fair of me to wake him up if he was actually sleeping, after all. Then that thought made me angry: how dare he be able to sleep on a night like this! Then I felt terrible again, wondering when I would see him again. I even let the traitorous thought slip: if I ever see him again. I shook my head and banished that thought. I would see him. He promised to come back and he will. He has to.
I didn't even realize I had started pacing until movement from the corner of my eye brought me to a stop again. Quil stood in his open doorway watching me with a confused expression on his face.
"Claire? What are you doing?" he asked.
I just stared at him for a moment. He was wearing pajama pants and his hair was slightly mussed. It was an incredibly sexy look for him.
When I didn't move or answer he took a step out the door toward me.
"Are you okay, honey? Are you sleep-walking?" he sounded concerned.
"No." I shook my head. "I couldn't sleep and I wanted to see you."
Quil reached me and put his arm around my shoulder as he guided me toward the house. "Come inside and warm up before I take you home."
I let Quil lead me to the couch in his small living room and I sat as he wrapped a blanket around me and then went into the kitchen. After a little banging around and the rush of water in the sink he came back with a cup of hot cocoa for me and sat down beside me on the couch.
"Did you sneak out?" he asked.
"Everyone was asleep and I just couldn't hold still anymore. I just wanted to see you. Did I wake you up?"
"No. I didn't get home until midnight and then I packed and just laid here in the dark trying to sleep. There's just too much going on in my head, you know?" he said.
"Yeah."
"Drink that before it gets cold." He nodded toward the mug in my hands.
I obediently swallowed about half of it and the warmth of the liquid spread through me. I hadn't realized how cold it was outside and I gave a violent shiver.
"Alright, come here." Quil took the mug from me and set it on the coffee table. Then he pulled at the blanket around me and moved closer to me so he could put his arm around me, situating the blanket around us both. His heat quickly warmed me and I settled happily into his side.
"Sam will kill me if he finds out about this." He mumbled.
"Then we won't tell him." I answered simply.
"He's your guardian, Claire."
"I thought that was your title." I tried to tease him.
He gave me a small smile and then his forehead creased. "I was hoping my title would change to boyfriend soon."
"That's better, but it's still not quite enough to describe you."
"Well, I am pretty amazing." Quil joked with a wink.
"I know." I leaned away slightly so I could look at him better.
Quil's face became more serious as he searched my eyes. "You know I love you, right?"
"Yes."
"And everything is going to be alright."
I hesitated. "What if something happens?"
He shook his head and shifted so he could face me and hold my hands. "I know this is going to be hard. I am dreading being away from you – I already know it's hell. But I have to do this. And as soon as humanly possible, I will be back here with you again and I'll never let anything come between us."
"Okay." I nodded and then leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, giving the extra bit of comfort I needed. For the first time all night I was finally able to relax a bit and my eyelids grew heavy as I was surrounded by Quil's love and warmth. I gave in and closed my eyes for a moment.
"I should get you home." Quil's voice rumbled against my ear that was pressed to his chest.
"Not yet." I murmured. "Please."
Quil settled back into the couch again but I felt his muscles tense as he pulled something from his pocket and soft beeps were the last sound I was aware of.
Someone was shaking my arm and a deep voice said "It's time, brother."
I opened my eyes to soft morning light and felt my pillow start to move. I lifted my head and realized that I had fallen asleep with Quil on his couch and Todd was standing over us, shaking Quil's shoulder as well. I was curled up by his side with my head on his shoulder and he was settled back into the couch with his legs propped up on the coffee table. One arm still held me firmly in place.
Reality quickly began to sink in and I realized someone may have noticed my absence at home by now. I sat up and Quil groaned in protest. Todd just smirked at me.
"Relax, sleeping beauty, I'm here to make sure you don't get in huge trouble." Todd said. "But it would be a good time to WAKE UP." His voice grew louder at the end and he gave Quil another shove. "Embry will have my hide if you aren't ready for him to drive you to the airport in twenty minutes."
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Six. And don't worry. I left a little note at your house on my way here this morning so if anyone wakes up, you are covered." Todd said proudly.
"Thanks." Quil said, sitting up and rubbing his face now. "I appreciate you being chaperone."
"What?" I asked.
"Quil texted me when you fell asleep and I came over to be witness that your virtue stay intact." Todd grinned at me. "That is, assuming you didn't do anything before I got here around 3:30 this morning."
"If we had done anything more than talk, you would have smelled it." Quil said.
"Good point. But I was already going to vouch for you dude." Todd agreed.
"What are you talking about? Wait, you can smell that kind of thing?" I asked.
Todd started laughing like a lunatic while Quil's cheeks reddened slightly. "Don't worry about it, honey. Just wait here while I get ready and we'll drop you home." He stood up and went to his room.
Todd calmed down a bit and pulled me into the kitchen when I heard the shower start. He poured us both some cereal and sat down at the table with me. We talked a little bit about our summer plans while we ate and waited for Quil.
A short while later he came out of his room freshly scrubbed, fully dressed and carrying a duffle bag he dropped by the front door. He left a kiss on my head as he passed by to get his own bowl of cereal and then came back to sit beside me. He grabbed one of my hands that was resting on the table and held it in his free hand the whole time he ate. I had a momentary flash forward where I could perfectly imagine future mornings we will spend together, only without Todd and under different circumstances. Our relationship would have definitely progressed by then and my cheeks flared red as I thought what that would mean.
Quil squeezed my hand and I looked up at him. His eyebrows rose in obvious question and I shook my head. Now wasn't the right time to talk about our future. I was spared any awkward questions by a quick knock at the door before Embry and Brady let themselves in.
I have never really thought about the size of Quil's house, but when there were four pack members surrounding me the kitchen began to feel very small. Embry and Brady nodded greetings toward me and then focused on Quil.
"Ready to go?" Embry asked.
"No. But I'll go anyway." Quil grumbled, not taking his eyes off me.
"I'll come back and do the dishes." Todd offered.
"Thanks." Quil said, standing up and gently pulling me with him. "We better get you home then." He said to me.
"Do your hugging here because we don't have time for a long goodbye at Sam's after this." Embry said, grabbing Quil's duffle as he walked out the door.
I stopped Quil by not moving out of the kitchen with the others. "Is he mad that I'm here?" I whispered, even though it was probably pointless with Embry's good hearing.
"No honey. He just feels bad that he's separating us and this is just reminding him of that." Quil said. He wrapped me into a tight hug and kissed my cheek. "I'll be home before you know it." He promised.
"I know."
And with that I had another flash of our future: of Quil's arms around me before he leaves for work, with the promise of missing me for the few hours we are separated by his job or for patrolling until he gives up his wolf. If only he were leaving for a few hours of work. I felt a rush of longing to leap forward to that time, when Quil truly belonged to me alone and we could share a life. I have never felt the need for that life so strongly as I do now. I couldn't stop the tears that sprang to my eyes.
"Shh. It's okay. I know I shouldn't make promises, but I just feel like everything will work out for us. We just have to be patient a little longer." Quil's arms tightened slightly as he swayed, rocking me and soothing me. He always seemed to know what I needed without me having to say a word. He was so in tune with my own heart and it made me ache even more inside. I simply can't picture my world without him in it.
I heard a throat clear behind me and heard Todd's voice. It cracked despite the playful tone of his words. "Okay lovebirds, it's time to say goodbye."
Leaving one arm around my shoulders, Quil turned me and walked me out the door to the open door of Embry's waiting car. Quil slid into the back seat first and I followed, still clinging to his hand, afraid to break contact for the small amount of time we had left. I was vaguely aware that the other three guys were talking as we drove but I didn't care to listen. I just knew that my time with Quil was slipping away much too quickly.
Embry parked in front of the Uley house and Todd jumped out of the back seat and jogged up to the door. I looked away. I didn't want to see Sam's anger or disappointment yet. I would deal with that later. I turned my head into Quil's shoulder and breathed in his clean scent. My throat closed up and I felt panic rising inside me. I can't do this! I can't let him just leave.
Again I felt Quil's arms around me. I clung to him with all the strength I had as I fought back my tears and panic. I want that future I glimpsed this morning. I hate my age and everything that has been keeping Quil and I apart. I know where I belong and also that I can't have it. That kills me.
Before I am ready I feel Quil kiss my forehead and I hear him promising to be back soon. Then a different set of warm arms is lifting me out of the car and away. I can't breathe, I can't speak or move. I just watch Quil's eyes as the door is closed and the car starts driving away. He doesn't look away from me.
Then another door closes and Todd sets me down on the couch in the living room. Emily is there and she holds me while I watch Todd talk to Sam. I don't hear what they say, but I can see that my uncle is not mad like I thought he would be. Instead he looks worried. Everyone looks worried and I know its my fault but I just don't want to do anything right now. I want to be safe and warm, wrapped up in Quil's sleeping embrace again, before this day got started.
. . .
Quil didn't call until the day after he flew out for Costa Rica. By that morning I had started functioning normally again and I still hadn't been punished for sneaking out. Todd helped a lot with that because he had been our 'witness' more or less. Sam answered the phone and spoke to Quil briefly before he handed me the phone.
"Quil!" I practically yelled into the phone I was so excited.
"Hi Honey." His warm voice answered. I immediately felt more calm and happy.
"How is Costa Rica?" I asked.
"The rainforest is amazing; you would love it. Maybe I can bring you here one day." He said.
My heart sped up. He was making plans for things to do with me in the future! I barely held in a squeal as he continued.
"Jake met me at the airport and took me to where he and Nessie have been staying with the Cullens. They have nice houses all over the place. I can't imagine having that kind of money. Jake has gotten used to it but it's still weird to me. Anyway, Brady and I are getting used to the smell."
"So is everything okay there?" I asked and my nerves kicked in. Please don't let him be in danger. Please, oh please.
"Yeah. Things are quiet here right now but there is a plan. I can't tell you anything, for everyone's safety, but I think it's good and it should work. I won't be able to call you a lot though, probably only once a week." He sounded disappointed.
Is it wrong that it made me happy to know he missed me like I miss him?
"I'll take what I can get. I miss you."
"I miss you too, Honey. You know I'd rather be there with you, right?"
"I know."
"Good." He said. "Now promise me you won't be mad at Embry for this. I know it wasn't an easy decision for him but I think he was right."
"Fine. I won't be mad." I conceded. "Unless you get hurt."
"Claire." Quil chastened.
"Alright. Just be careful okay? You promised to come back to me."
"I'll always come back to you. As long as you want me to." Quil's voice had softened.
My throat closed up a little and I choked on my words. I wanted to say 'Of course I want you. I'll always want you in every way.' But that might have been a little much. I just nodded even though he couldn't see me.
"Are you still there?" he asked uncertainly.
"Yeah." I managed to croak. "and I do."
I heard Quil sigh. He understood. He always understood me.
"I love you, Claire."
"Love you too." I said and felt tears pricking my eyes.
An odd strangled sound came from the other end of the line followed by a thwack. "Shut up Brady." I heard Quil mutter.
"Sorry about that." Quil said louder into the phone. "Brady's being an idiot.
"I love you Claire!" I heard a muted yell and laughter. Brady.
"Punch him once for me, will you?" I said.
"Anytime." Quil sounded almost gleeful to have permission. "K, I better go. I just wanted to check in. I'll call again when I can. You study hard for your finals and pass everything, okay?"
"I will. Bye." I said. There was a pause before Quil said goodbye as well and we hung up.
I turned away from the phone on the kitchen wall to see Emily and the twins sitting at the counter watching me. The twins looked slightly wistful and Emily was smiling. I blushed now that I realized I had an audience.
. . .
Later that night I called my Mom for our usual chat and weekly catch-up. I had a lot to tell her about Quil since she didn't know about him leaving yet. Now I was excited to tell her that I had heard from him as well. She was surprised that he actually left, but was understanding when I explained the situation to her.
"So, what does that mean for you?" Mom asked. "What are your plans for after school gets out in two weeks?"
"My friend Jill was telling me about a lifeguarding course she took last summer and she will be a lifeguard on the beach for the resort so I thought I might take that course. It sounds fun and I would get to spend plenty of time on the beach." I said.
"So you won't come home?" Mom asked.
"What?"
"Well, if Quil isn't around anyway, is there any reason you can't come home for a longer stay, maybe two or three weeks?"
Oh. I hadn't even thought about that. I've been so focused on dealing with Quil being gone that I hadn't thought about my family. I felt like a complete jerk.
"Yeah, mom. I would like that. How about I come home right after school gets out?" I offered.
Mom seemed relieved. She jumped on that and started planning what we would do while I was home.
. . .
The next three weeks were busy as I studied and took my finals. And then school was finally out! Andrea threw a big party the day our summer officially started. It was fun to hang out and just be young for a few hours. I tried not to think about Quil and vengeful, power-hungry, vampires and focused instead on my friends and the cares of average seventeen year olds.
True to his word, Quil had called every four or five days. He always sounded down at the beginning of our conversation but his voice and mood lightened the longer we talked. I knew it was hard for him to be so far from home and from me. And I missed him too. I was careful not to tell him that in every other sentence, but I still felt it. I also left out that I was starting to get minor headaches by the end of the second week. He was proud of my grades though and kept telling me to have fun this summer. I told him to call me at my parents house starting in a few days.
Sam quickly got over the kiss I gave Quil the night before he left and he never did talk about me sneaking out or lecture me about how long I spent on the phone with Quil. We usually spoke for an hour which never felt quite long enough, but it had to be enough for now. It was also hard for me to get any privacy because the twins and other daughters in the wolfpack would mysteriously show up and listen and ohh and ahh, especially when we said goodbye. Emily tried to help but then she often fell into listening as well, so I just gave up trying to stop them. I don't care how they try to romanticize it: a long distance relationship stinks!
The one real comfort I have is that we are soul mates so I don't have to worry to about what he's doing or who he is with. The way he talks, this is like some military mission or out of town job and he's busy all the time. He tells me that he keeps himself extra busy so he won't have much time to think about how much he misses me.
Three days after school ended dad drove down and collected me and my large bag for a three week visit home. It was kind of hard to say goodbye to Emily and the kids, knowing I wouldn't be seeing them every day for a while. Sam had already gone to work for the day and I wasn't surprised or upset that he missed this farewell. Since Quil left he's given me a lot of space and when he did look at me he usually looked sad. I asked Emily about it one day and she said he was just a big softie inside and he felt terrible that Quil and I had to go through yet another separation. He had confided in her that he didn't think he would be strong enough to leave her behind like that, duty or not, and he was ashamed of it. So he was compensating by taking it easy on me.
My first week home mom kept us all busy with family activities. She and dad took some time off work and took Devon and I on a kind of mini vacation along the coast for a few days. Alyssa was taking summer classes in order to get ahead for next year so she wasn't with us but I called her and we talked for a while. I missed a call from Quil while we were gone and I had to hide my returning headaches from my mom. I didn't want to ruin this for her since she has been so supportive of my move and living away from home for the last two years.
When I got home I called Emily and she told me about her little conversation with Quil and Brady while I was gone. I also called Andrea and Jill and got caught up with them and all the latest news with our friends. I missed them but it was nice to spend some real time with my own family again.
Quil surprised me by calling off schedule two days after we got home. Mom called me to the phone and I was happy to hear his voice.
"Claire." His voice was rough but filled with relief.
"Are you okay Quil?" I asked. He didn't sound good and it scared me. "Has there been a fight?"
"No, nothing like that. I just needed to hear your voice." He took a deep shuddering breath. "I miss you so much." He whispered.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for your call before. I hated not hearing you that day." I said.
"Me too. I'm afraid I haven't been any good for anything because of it." Quil said.
"What's wrong? There's something serious isn't there? You can tell me. I want to support you." I asserted.
"It's just hard to be so far from you. Everyone understands but I really can't leave now. We are about to do something big that should keep Nessie safe. I just keep trying to tell myself it's for you, because if I don't I can't focus. It's like what happened before when I couldn't see you. I don't want to lose myself here."
My heart broke for him as I listened. I could feel his pain but I knew I couldn't take it away.
Quil let out a low curse. "I'm sorry, Claire. I wasn't going to dump this on you. I just wanted to hear your voice. I needed something to keep me going. So just talk. Tell me anything. I just need to hear you." he pleaded.
"My headaches are coming back." I confessed. "I didn't want to tell you so you wouldn't worry. We aren't helping each other by keeping secrets, Quil."
I heard him groan.
"But it's okay. I would rather have headaches and know that you are out there somewhere than live without you."
"Every night this week I had a nightmare that you found someone else, someone better for you than me." Quil told me.
"That will never happen, I swear. Do you know, when I was younger, after you told me the truth, I was always afraid that one day I would find out you imprinted. When mom made me move to La Push, I kept waiting for Emily to tell me that you had found someone and forgotten all about me. The idea of that happening scared me so much."
"Claire." His voice was still rough, but warm.
"And do you know what I thought that last morning before you left?" I asked. I hadn't told anyone about my flashes of the future.
"What?"
"When we sat there eating breakfast I could see it so clearly: I could see us eating breakfast together in our house, everyday, just like it should be. I wanted that so badly. And for the first time I really hated being so young." My own voice cracked slightly and betrayed me.
"Honey. . ." Quil sounded sad again.
"Don't be sad. Just remember that and come back to me."
"I still can't believe that you could want me." He said.
"How could I not want you?" I asked.
Quil hmphed on the other end of the line.
I decided to lighten things up a bit, knowing full well that Quil would remember what I told him later when he needs it. I hoped it would be enough to keep him going. "Do you want to hear about my family's little road trip?" I asked.
"I want to hear everything." Quil said.
So we spent most of the next hour talking about unimportant things. But through it all I could tell that Quil was happier and more relaxed by the end of it. I promised to be home for his usual call in two days and we said goodbye.
He's only been gone one month and we are both already a little messed up. I really hope this whole thing will be resolved soon so he can come back.