BOOOM!

"Where's the cannon?" shrieked Dudley, squirming out of bed like a disturbed cockroach. Vernon, surprisingly, jumped up fast in his flannel blue bathrobe with a 20 gauge double-barrel shotgun shaking in his sweaty hands. Clearly, his appearance leaved much to be desired by The British Army. Scrawny Petunia shook behind his bear-like wake, both facing the door and fearing the monstrosity behind it.

BOOOOM!

Harry watched in fear as the door fell like a tree freshly sawed, revealing a dark towering silhouette outlined by a background of blue light that seeped through the room. The creature had a huge hairy head that took up all the space the shoulders and neck occupied, and its jacket fluttered ominously in the light. With deafening thumps from its anvil-sized boots, it approached the Dursleys. Aunt Petunia let loose an ultra-soprano scream. Vernon's eyes narrowed like squishy raisins, his gun shaking even more violently at the chimera. It came closer… and closer…and closer…and…

The dim lantern hanging by a beam overlooking the figure lit his face, his eyes sparkling, round cheeks glowing and an immense tuft of a beard resting on his colossal chest.

"Sorry aboot tha'" he said cheerfully to the Dursleys, picking up the besieged door and placing it back on its hinges with a guttural moan and stress of wood. He could barely lift his shaggy head, else he hit the ceiling.

"I demand that you leave at once sir! You are breaking and entering!" wheezed the lumpy defender Vernon, as his mustache fluttered from his pathetic attempt to turn the intruder. The giant rumbled toward the Dursleys. Vernon seemed to deflate like a flabby cake every step he took. Finally he stopped, Vernon's shotgun almost touching his belly. With a firm grasp of his trash-bin lid hands, he bent the muzzle up to the ceiling with a defeated moan of metal as Vernon watched bewildered.

"Dried-up Dursley yeh old prune." said the giant, his thick brown brow knitted in a "V" shape. In a delayed reaction, Vernon pulled the trigger.

BOOM!

The shotgun blew the shells like a thundering carronade up into the ceiling, burning Harry's ears. Dust splattered on Mr. and Mrs. Dursley as the ceiling creaked. A sharp crack soon followed with a great BANG from the ceiling. The crate-sized slab of rock that fell from the ceiling lay peacefully on the giant's head, his expression quite blank. It then slid off and shook the room with a clutter when it hit the floor. There was an odd silence for about thirty seconds, with the distant wind and furious waves being the only noise.

"Harry!" exclaimed the giant, his arms expecting a hug, as he faced Dudley. "Yer lookin' a bit fat fer a firs' year! May'e yuh should lay off day Twinkies!" He pointed to his great barrel-chest. "Jus' a thought."

Dudley stuttered "I … I'm not Harry."

Harry walked out of the shadows. "I am"

The giant twirled in disbelief. "Uh? Well of course ya are! Yer gotta big head, anyway. I meant to get ya sumf'n fer yer birthday." He motioned to his great duster, picking out a box wrapped with a piece of string. "Here ya go. Mighta passed gas on it once, but, I'll imagine it tastes like mama used ter make!"

Harry grabbed the package, only to detect a reeking odor of rat pus and whale flab. He undid the string and opened it. What seemed once be a cake was now a slimy green frosted anthill crawled with maggots that seem to have a pulse as an edge seem to bulge frighteningly in rhythm on its surface. Harry hid his face behind the box to avoid the giant's expectant gaze as a maggot crawled over "Happee Birthdae Hairy" in brown frosting. Trying to mask his putrefied face from the giant, Harry managed a squeaky, yet courteous thank you.

"Its not ev'rday yer son turns sev'n now is it!" replied the friendly fellow.

"I'm eleven sir," Harry squeaked. Hagrid didn't hear. "Who are you?"

"Rubeus Hagrid, Shack Manager at Hogwarts."

He shook Harry's whole underfed arm with just one hand vigorously.

"Hogwarts?" questioned Harry

"Yeah, ya'know the school a' witchcraft n' wiz'rdry."

"Sorry, I don't know."

"SORRY!" roared Hagrid, turning his Neanderthal head to the Dursleys, alight with rage.

"Blimey Harry! Didn' ya ever wonder where yer parents learned the squishy jinx?"

"Learned what?"

"IT'S AN OUTRAGE! IT'S A SCANDAL!" (Bravo Hagrid for such clear dialect)

"I did not have sex with that woman!" yelled Papa Dursley. Petunia looked at him angrily.

"Yeh do know aboot yer parents, they're famous. Yer famous," Hagrid continued.

"My parents were… famous, but they died in a car crash."

"A CAR CRASH? LILY AND JAMES POTTER? DURSLEY!"

Vernon turned a weak shade of pale green as Hagrid neared.

"Yer never told 'em? Never gave 'im that letter that Dumbledore left fer 'im? And ya kep' it from 'em fer all these years?"

Besides a wimpy cry from Vernon, the room grew quiet again of conversation.

"What was it?" said Harry excitedly.

"Ya ever make anyth'n happ'n? Somfin ya can't explain?"

"I'm Willy Wonka?"

"No yer bloody well not."

"ohhh…"

"Yer a wizard, and a thump'n good one I'd wag'r, if ya be trained up of course."

"I'm a what?"

"Her', it's time ya read yer letter."

Harry recognized it as the exact one Vernon tried to keep from him all this time.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL

of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmistress Albus Dumbledore

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Enclosed is the list of all necessary equipment.

Term begins September 1. We wait for your owl by no later than July 2.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore Minerva McGonagall

Headmistress Deputy Headmaster

After Harry finished reading the letter aloud, Hagrid looked at the letter inquisitively with his squinty beetle eyes. "huh, tha's funny, never tho't the headmast'r was a girl and deputy headmistr's a man. Oh well."

Harry exclaimed "What's an owl Hagrid?"

"Gallopin' Gorgons! I almost fergot," bellowed Hagrid pulling out a coarse quill and live owl from his coat. He quickly scribbled:

Deer Pruhfeser Dumbuldor,

Givn Harry his lettr

Takn him to by his thaengs tomoro

Wether's horibul, Hope yur wel (SIC)

Hagrid

He then attached the note to the owl's leg and sent him off. Harry watched, enchanted by the natural way of communication that these 'Wizards' communicated with daily.

"He will not be going!" wheezed Vernon, his face deflated in fear from the giant he just sneered at… or maybe it was the rat pus from the cake.

"Oh n' I serpose a muggle like yerself's gonna stop 'em r' ya?"

"Muggles?" questioned Harry.

"Right h'nded people."

Harry turned to face his cheating aunt and uncle, blaring with anger.

"You knew! You knew I'm a … wizard."

"Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia." "Of course we knew! How could I not know, with my dratted sister doing that stupid card trick and making the salt shaker disappear! And then getting herself and that Potter boy blown up! I was the only one who saw her for what she was."

"Blown up!" shouted Harry in disbelief.

"They never told you?" ensued Hagrid.

"I'LL NOT HAVE SOME TOOTHLESS OLD FOOL TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" exploded Vernon, although he regretted ever raising his voice when the giant looked at him.

Hagrid turned mechanistically toward him, pulling a pink umbrella out of the bowels of his coat. Vernon shrank as he approached; a poodle to a rotweiler. He tapped Vernon's belly with the puny parasol every word he growled in disdain.

"NEVER-INSULT-ALBUS-'UMBLEDORE-IN FRONT A' ME"

He then turned to Dudley, still shivering from the encounter. Hagrid shrugged his mountainous shoulders.

"Not that I don't like ya Dudley, but I'm MAD!" A brilliant light exploded though his parasol, igniting the room with color. Dudley screamed and blew through the wall, the Dursleys yelping in distraught as they raced to their pudgy 'Duddykins'. He howled with pain and screeched like a boar as he and the Dursleys cared for him.

Harry cackled maniacally and shouted "Do it again! Do it again!"

Hagrid put his weird death umbrella away as the Dursleys tried to make a run for the sea.

"Wow, yer almost like Lord V-"Hagrid stopped, quite embarrassed. He then walked toward Harry, his shadow engulfing his frail body. "Strictly speakin' I'm not allowed ta do magic." He gave off a guilty and somewhat ornery smile.

He then lit up and bellowed, "Well, as the Dursleys fancy a swim, do ya want ter come with me to get yer school supplies?"

Harry couldn't express words to this generous proposal; he simply shook his head in delightful agreement.

"Alright we're off!" said Hagrid. "But I fancy a night cap. We'll sleep here fer the night and you can ask ta yer heart's content about Hogwarts, while I get a nice fire goin'."

He took the parasol and shot flames into the fireplace, producing a roaring fire.

Harry felt the cold leave his body with its saturated warmth, even the wind and sea quieted down to the snaps and crackles of the welcoming fire. Hagrid lay down on the sofa in front of it, hardly noticing the immense strain the sofa gave as it moaned and creaked. Harry nestled himself in the Dursley's bed, readying to ask Hagrid about this world of magic.

"So Hagrid, what is Hogwart-"

"AAAAAAHHHHNNNNKKK-SSSSHHHOOOOO…"snored Hagrid, already sound asleep.

Tonight was the first night Harry slept with an intense excitement for the future of his life.