Authors Note: Yeah this chapter doesn't start with 'the'.
Harry rolled over in bed; Aunt Petunia's knock coming through the door.
"Alright…I'm coming." He spun out of bed, and hit the dirt floor. The tapping was getting louder; Harry tried to stand up. Then, there was the sound of shattering glass. Harry put on his glasses on and saw that an owl had just busted through the window, and was now flying over Hagrid.
It dropped a newspaper on Hagrid as he yelled, "W-Where are ya an' whatdya done with Fluffy?" The owl started to peck at Hagrid's coat. Hagrid turned over in his sleep, as the owl jumped up and started to bite him. "I won't tell ya no matter whatcha do ter me!" Then he woke up and shouted at Harry to pay the owl.
After a few minutes of searching through Hagrid's coat he found some oddly shaped bronze and silver coins which he gave to the owl. Hagrid sat up, now fully awake, and yawned; wincing in pain from the cuts on his face. The giant stood up, and the couch seemed to exhale.
"Okay…so time ter go to Diagon Alley."
"-Eh Hagrid, what's Diagon Alley, exactly?"
"Oh..." said Hagrid, putting on his coat, "it's whur wizards can –eh- buy stuff."
"Anyway, Hagrid, how do we get off this rock, and how do I get money to buy everything?"
"Yer ferst question I'll answer now, yer sec'nd 'ne I'll answer lat'r… if I remember. Well anyway I guess we're going to have to row back to the mainland." Hagrid and Harry stepped into a boat off the shore of the island. The boat gave a moaning whelp as Hagrid nestled in its claustrophobic space, nearly spilling ice cold water in it.
"Harry, look!" yelled Hagrid, Harry turned to see what he motioned at. Hagrid mischievously bewitched the boat to move toward the mainland as Harry said "What Hagrid? I don't see anything."
Once on the Mainland, the boat autonomously reared around and went back to the Durselys. Harry watched in bewilderment as it disappeared in the horizon.
"So anyway Hagrid, where do I get money to pay for all this?"
"At Gringotts Wizerd Bank o' curse. It's a gi'nt und'rground bank fer wizards; yeh'd be mad ter try 'n robit tho'. Yep, no safer place, 'cept fer maybe Hogwarts."
Hagrid and Harry walked to a nearby train station where they took a ride to London. Hagrid was knitting a canary yellow tent, and all the Muggles were looking suspiciously at them.
"So ya got yer letter stull." Harry pulled out the piece of parchment and unfolded it.
UNIFORM
First year students will require:
Three sets of plain work robes (black).
One plain pointed hat for clan wear (black).
One white glove.
One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings).
One fedora.
Please note that all first years must wear nametags for the first term.
Course Books
The Standard Book of Spells (Year One)
By Spelsare Kuhl
A History of Magic
By Bathilda Bagshot
Magical Theory
By Adalbert Quaffling
A Beginners Guide to Transfiguration
By FlipSwitch
One Thousand Magical Herbs and Funguys
By the RAAC
Magical Drafts and Potions and Drafts and Potions and Drafts
By Arsenius Jiggy
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Confront Them
By Bear Grylls
The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self Protection (And Ways to Kill Others)
By Obi-Won Kenobi
OTHER EQUIPMENT
1 Wand
1 Cauldron (Pewter standard size 2. (In metrics of course.))
1 set glass or crystal phials
1 telescope
1 set of brass scales
1 Dragon Ball
Students may bring an owl or a toad or a cat or a rat or a pheasant or a partridge or a liger or a raven or an ostrich.
FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED BROOMSTICKS
"So, can we really get all of this?"
"If yer know where ter go!" Harry and Hagrid walked through the streets of London, before coming to a dark bar that smelled of rotten eggs. "Here ya go! The Leaky Cauldron, one o' the mos' famous places in all er wizard kind!"
"Famous for what, the smell?" asked Harry. Hagrid stepped into the pub and was greeted cheerfully.
"Hey Hagrid," waved the barman, "would you like some Firewhiskey?"
"No thanks Tom, I'm on official Hogwarts business."
"Not even some Butterbeer?"
"No."
"Not even Sherry?"
"NO! I'M ON HOGWARTS BUSINESS!" Hagrid stomped the ground, his foot fracturing the floor.
"What exactly are ya doing?"
"Bringin young Harry ter get his money, er I mean buy his school supplies," he said slipping his foot from underneath the floor.
Everyone in the bar froze, and suddenly started making their way toward Harry. All along the bar there were whispers of, "Harry Potter…"
An old man came up to Harry said, "Bless my soul it isn't butter!"
Then a man in a purple turban came up to Harry, "Harry," said Hagrid, "This is Professor Quirell, one of the teachers at Hogwarts.
Harry extended his hand, expecting a shake. However the professor nervously declined with a step away from Harry. He then cracked a nervous smile and said, "I-I t-t-teach Defense Against the D-D-D-Dark Arts. Not that you n-n-n-n-need it eh!"
He tried to look friendly, leaning over to Hagrid, "The-the f-f-force is st-st-strong with this one e-eh!"
Hagrid looked strangely at Quirrell for a long second before saying, "Okay Harry, need ter get goin'." After making his way through the Leaky Cauldron, and shaking a few dozen hands, Hagrid and Harry ended up in an alleyway, with a dead end.
"So what do we do now?" asked Harry.
"Jus' watch this!" said Hagrid obviously full of himself. He tapped a few of the bricks on the wall, and nothing happened. "Humph!" he said as he tried again. "Aaahghh!"
"Something wrong Hagrid?" Tom the barman had just snuck up on them.
"Eh…I fergot the combernation." Tom laughed his head off and Hagrid looked furious with himself. Tom walked up to the wall and tapped a few bricks, making the wall open to a gate to Diagon Alley.
Harry stepped out of London and into an entirely new world. Hagrid followed behind him, as Harry gazed at all the different shops. Kids were running around and talking about how much money that each needed to put in to buy a dungbomb. Harry didn't know a lot of the magical lingo, but he had a pretty good idea of what a dungbomb would be.
"Come on Harry, Gringotts is this way." Hagrid gestured for Harry to come over and Harry followed, till they got to Gringotts.
Gringotts wasn't that large, and Harry wondered how all the wizards in England could fit their money in there, but then he realized that most of Gringotts is underground. On the front of the bank door was an engraved poem.
Welcome stranger, take what you need
But, if you succumb to greed
And take what isn't your own
You may not be going home
For if in the safe your butt is caught
We'll leave you there until you rot
"Like I said, yeh'd be mad ter try ter rob it." Harry stepped inside to see that the establishment was operated by a bunch of short long-eared freaks.
"H-Hagrid w-w-what are those?"
"Uh, surry. I fergot you didn't know aboot goblins."
"Those are Goblins."
"Yep. Thur not the kind a' creature yeh'd like ter mess with." They stepped up to the font desk, and Harry was still scared that they would attack him.
"Uh- we've come ter open Harry Potter's vault."
The goblin leaned over the desk to look at Harry as he said, "Do you have the key?"
"Uh curse I got the key." He dug threw his coat, and had to pull out seven blue sweaters that he had knitted before he came to the key. "Hur it is, oh and I need ter take you-know-what out of vault seven hundred thirteen. I got a letter from 'Umbledore hur."
He handed him the letter and the Goblin replied, "Very well," in his best Star Trek voice. "Griphook, take them to the Potter vault and vault seven hundred thirteen."
Griphook nodded and then bobbled like a penguin down out of the room saying, "This way."
Harry and Hagrid followed him to a cart that was on a railway and they all jumped in. Griphook pushed a button and they started to zoom through the maze of railways extremely fast. Hagrid was looking green, and Harry thought he heard somebody yelling from inside one of the vaults, "HELP ME! I'VE GOT A WIFE AND THREE KIDS!"
Hagrid almost fell over when they had got off the cart, and Griphook opened the vault with his key. Harry was amazed at all the gold that was in the vault, and dived into it, as Hagrid snuck about twenty galleons into his pockets. After Harry had swum in his gold, they jumped back into the cart to go to vault seven hundred thirteen.
"Can we go slower this time?" asked Hagrid.
"One speed only," said Griphook as he snickered, pressing the button again. When they had got to the vault, Griphook told them to stand back while he opened the door with his magical little goblin hands. Inside the vault was a small package that looked like a flea in Hagrid's giant palm.
"Hagrid, what is that?"
"Can't tell ya Harry. Official Hogwarts business." He and Harry got back into the cart (much to Hagrid's dismay).
Harry managed to thank Griphook for taking them to the vault, but all Hagrid could say was, "Ughhgoo."
Hagrid seemed to lose his sickness now that they were back in Diagon Alley. Hagrid decided that they should go to Madam Malkin's first to get his robes. As he dropped Harry off he told him he needed to get a drink at the Leaky Cauldron after what had happened in Gringotts.
Madam Malkin was a short, plump, witch dressed in mauve. "Hogwarts dear?" she asked.
He nodded.
"Just come over here, there's another boy from Hogwarts being fitted for his robes right now." Harry stood on a stool and turned to look at the pointy faced boy next to him.
"Hello… Hogwarts too?"
"Yes," replied Harry.
"My father's buying my books and my mom is looking at wands. After that I'll probably drag them to look at racing brooms. I can't see why first years can't have them. I'll probably bully father into buying me one and then I'll smuggle it in to the school somehow. You know I think I should have any kind of broom I want I mean after all I'm a…" The pointy faced kid stopped. Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley. "Have you got your own broom?"
"No."
"Play Quidditch?"
"No," wondering what Quidditch could be.
"My father thinks that it would be a crime if I didn't make the House Team and I must say that I do well agree. Do you know what House you're going to be in?"
"No," said Harry, not having to wonder if he was coming across as a total idiot.
"I'm going to be in Slytherin. My whole family has been in Slytherin. It would be terrible if you got put into Hufflepuff; I think I'd kill myself, wouldn't you?"
"Errr," said Harry.
"Hey look at that idiot over there." Hagrid was waving at Harry through the window.
"That's Hagrid, he's the Gamekeeper at Hogwarts."
"Oh, that fat oaf. I've heard that he lives in a little hut and gets drunk and sets fire to it every once and awhile."
"Shut up blondie."
The pointy kid's face turned into a grimace, "How can you be standing up for him!"
"Okay you're done," said Madam Malkin, unaware that anyone had been talking as Harry ran to the door, almost forgetting to grab his robes.
"Gotchure robes, I see."
"Yeah Hagrid, so where do we go next?"
"I guess we need ter buy ya some perchment and quills." Harry and Hagrid went into a store that sold just that, and Harry found a quill that would draw whatever you wanted. He drew a mustache on himself and beamed happily.
After they left the quill shop Harry asked Hagrid about Quidditch.
"Blimey Harry, I fergot you was such an idgit."
This didn't make Harry feel any better.
"Well it's a spert in the air on broomsticks, with four balls, but its hard ter explain….Howboot we go ter Flourish 'n Blotts an' getchure school books."
Flourish and Blotts was a room with a ton of books in it. Harry found some interesting books in there, like The Dark Arts for Beginners by Death Eater Bob (which he knew Hagrid wouldn't let him get.) but he did ask for Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Lip-shutting, Inflation, Crack Removal, and much, much, more.) by Professor Iplaya Prankonue.
"Thure is no way yure getting' that book," said Hagrid, pouring through Dangerous Beasts and How to Love Them.
"Hey Hagrid, if I bought you that book, could I have this?" Harry suggested.
"…uh…okay. Jus' get outer my way," said Hagrid, angry that he had allowed himself to be bribed.
Harry looked at what else he needed to get for Hogwarts.
"I still need… a wand."
"A wand, take Ollivander's, ain't no better place, though I got mine attuh cheapo discount atuh Muggle Magic Shop, I be'lieve it twers called 'Magi-Mart'. Anyway, you go on in I'll got one more thing ter do befer we leave."
Harry watched the dwarfing giant part the crowd like a giant Moses, before going in the shop.
Harry first found the great dusty warehouse deserted before seeing an old man slide along a scooter ladder against a bookcase filled with different shaped boxes.
"I wondered when I would be seeing you, Mr. Potter" gleamed Mr. Ollivander amiably.
He made to step off the ladder but slipped, crashing to the ground causing the bookcase to tip over with a creak. Soon all the others fell like dominos until they crashed with a boom into the wall.
Ollivander replied "Seems only yesterday that Lily made me fall while getting her wand, heh heh, ten and a quarter inches, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work. Your father on the other hand favored a mahogany one. Eleven inches, pliable, a little more power and excellent for transfiguration."
He had a hard time getting up, but soon was already touching Harry's scar. "I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it." He said softly. "Thirteen and a half inches, yew, powerful wand, and in the wrong hands." He motioned over to the desk still blabbering.
Harry started to lose his patience. "Well of course you knew Lily's cousin, Albert, 9 inches, rosewood, very artsy and brittle, very good at household work. Now your father's second cousin, bless his soul, had a red cherry wand, very bendy like licorice, quite entertaining watching it cast hexes-"
"Alright! Can I buy my own wand now?"
Ollivander stared at Harry and Harry thought he was about to yell "Respect your elders boy!"
"Oh yes! Let me see. De-duh-de de de dideee…"
He vanished behind the bookcase still standing, and returned a few seconds later with a wand and gave it to Harry.
"Well… give it a wave!"
He gave a gesture and the wand exploded in Ollivander's face.BOOOOOM!
"Explosive Greenleaf core, not one of my better ideas. COUGH! "
He went back and brought a more stubby and coarse wand and handed it to Harry.
Harry felt a devious sensation from the wand and flicked it.
A great slash cut open a support for a shelf with many priceless vases. Without a buttress, they splattered with a bang! PSSSCCHH! BLOTKSSSCCCHHH!
"No no! Definitely not!" squeaked Ollivander, returning to the bookcase and this time bringing a grey pen-like wand to Harry.
Harry gave a swash, expecting another funny thing to happen. SQUIRT! The wand blotched Harry's face with black ink, soon dripping profusely. Ollivander suppressed a giggle. "Sorry, have to have some payback for those who ruin my shop."
Ten minutes and Twenty-Three wand trials later, Ollivander motioned toward the bookcase and didn't return for a long time. Harry then heard him say "I wonder." He returned, a bit more cautiously, walking very slowly, as if holding something very treasured. He handed it slowly to Harry, upon touching it a warm sensation erupted through his whole body, and angels started singing out with a dorky orchestra, as an omnipotent light shined on the 'BOY WHO LIVED'.
"Curious. Very curious." muttered Ollivander.
"What's so curious?"
"It just so happens that the same fossilized caprolite of a phoenix that is in the core of this wand…is also the caprolite of the phoenix of the one who gave you that scar." He pointed frighteningly at Harry's forehead. "It is clear we can expect great things from you, Amazing!-I mean terrible... but great things."
"What is a caprolite?"
"You don't want to know."
"Harry! Harry!" tapped Hagrid on the window. Harry saw Hagrid had bought a beautiful snow white owl. He was ecstatic with joy at the sight of his first pet, considering Dudley always squashed his pet spiders and gave his own pet dog a gallon of ice cream, sadly making him die of gastro-bypass surgery. Everything was going spectacular, except for the fact that somebody shared the same 'caprolite of a phoenix' in a wand as he did.
When they were finished buying Harry's scales and cauldron Harry asked, "What are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"
"School 'ouses. Thurs four of 'em."
"I bet you I'm in Hufflepuff," Sad Harry said.
"Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin. I'll tell ya every wizard ur witch who evur went bad was in Slytherin. I, meself was in Gryffindor. Untul I got expelled in my third yur."
"How'd you get expelled?"
"'Eyyy… look! The Apothecary. Gotta get some stuff fer potions class."
"But, Hagrid, I don't need anything for Potions, except the scales and cauldron! And I already have that!"
"Eyyy….yeah, how 'bout we get some'in ter eat."
Harry eyed Hagrid suspiciously as they walked briskly through the throng of wizards and witches. What was Hagrid trying to hide? Harry couldn't fathom that perhaps, Hagrid couldn't pass his third year at Hogwarts.
Eventually they made it back to the smoky atmosphere of the Leaky Cauldron. Hagrid motioned to Tom, "Oi! What's the special t'day Tom?"
"Fresh Newt Ribeye! Imported from Barloney Brussel's Newt ranches."
"Blimey Tom! I didn't know you were already choppin' poor… sniff … little… friendly Newts. You'll hear from us; the Rights Against Animal Consumption, R-A-A-C…" he spelt in disdain, tears gushing out his beat face."… will knock you 'n yer filthy friends outta bis'ness ya devious li'ul Blasph'm'r!"
"N' I suppose yer 'raac' of friends'll come and save yer furry blighters!"
The tavern erupted with laughter, turning Hagrid's face into a deep violet almost as bad as Uncle Vernon's.
"We'll have the Boy Wizerd's Salad." snuffed Hagrid. Tom got two salad bowls and gave them to the emotionally unstable Hagrid. He then paid the bartender and motioned Harry to sit at an empty table.
"Jus' stick close ta me Harry, we're bett'r than 'em dogs that-"
"You're a vegetarian?" exclaimed Harry.
"Veg'rtari'n is such a strong werd, Harry."
They sat and ate their cold meat free dishes, as the white owl tried to snap at Harry's hair behind the cage. Harry merely played with his fork, as Hagrid shuffled mouthful after mouthful of salad in his mouth.
"What do you think I should call her?"
" munch munch hmmm…ohhh… call 'er Edwoog"
"Hedwig Yes! Alright Hedwig. That's your new name now," The newly named Hedwig looked a little pissed.
Silence ensued as Harry tried to think of something to say.
"You never told how my parents died."
"Now Harry, ya don't need ter know how yer parents died. It'd just bring ya mur grief ter know they wur killed by a murderin', ravin' lunatic." Hagrid froze. "I shouldn't a said 'at."
"Who killed them?" demanded Harry.
"Pipe down, 'on't want no one ter ovurhur us. Anyway, V-Vol-V. I can't say his name."
"Just right it down then."
"Did ya se how I wrote Happy Birthday on yur cake!"
"Then just whisper it."
"Voldemort," he winced. "Anyway, V- You-Know-Who killed yer perents and if yer eager tuh hur more, read Chap'er one o' the Potter Parodies by ImSlowlyTurningIntoYou."
"Really Hagrid, I want to know."
"Oh alright, well… back then were dark times, dark times. Vvv-, he-who-must-not-be-named was a bad wizard, about as bad as ya can go, although not as bad as me mum, she was-"
"Hagrid!"
"Oh sorry, anyhoo… he- who-must-not-be-named started to gather some foll'wers, brought 'em to the dark side, like Vader… Yer parents died tryin' ta save you. What makes ya so special is that somfin happened tha' night. Voldemo-, the guy who tried ta kill ya, sumhow got his curse backfired, only giving you tha' scar. This ain't no coinkydink Harry, you shoulda died that night but, yer the Boy Who Lived."
Harry was disturbed, but then asked "What happened to Volde-"
"Don't speak his name!"
"Sorry."
"Well… sum say he died. Codswallop if ya ask me. I reckon he's still out thur, too tired ta carry on."
Harry had lost his appetite;
Such news about his existence was frightful, yet the amazing prospect of a magical world ripe for the picking easily made Harry dismissed the looming fear of…dum dum dummmmm.
VOLDEMORT