Harry got up bright and early and headed to breakfast. The enchanted ceiling was placid and beautiful with white fluffy clouds. A cherub could be seen dropping dark brown droplets to the students. Ron took a handful and started munching away, as did others.
Harry was about to eat one that fell in his marmalade when the cherub cackled like a mischievous child. It sputtered a ridiculous rhyme that went like this:
"Welcome children to your first day!
With little Peeves here to play,
Don't you know I like to rhyme?
And make sure you don't get to class on time?
Now gobble all the droplets you hold,
Sooner or later they're gonna EXPLODE!"
POP! PA-POP! TICKA-TICKA-POP!(Nice Beat!)
Students screamed and ran as green smoke issued from their mouths. Ron ran to Harry crying. "They're not chocolates! They're dung bombs!"
After that stinky situation, Ron and Harry ran to their first class of the day, Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall stood erect as other students straggled in.
"Ahem… Welcome to Transfiguration, I Professor McGonagall, will be teaching it to you. Now let me get the roll." She recited out names as each raised their hands. "Neville Longbottom…Pansy Parkinson…" She then stopped, as if something made her choke. "Poopicus… Brownwipe." A nervous kid raised his small hand. "I see", she replied. "Harry Potter?" Harry raised his. McGonagall gave a smile and continued.
"Now, I see all of you wish to master the art of transfiguration. It is not an easy endeavor." She dragged a colossal pile of books to the desk. "It's a lot… of hard…uhhh… work! Whew." She swept her sweaty brow.
"Now, I don't mean to show off, but observe. In my hand I have a tin-can. I will change this into a toucan. Tin-can to toucan!"
Nobody laughed.
"Humph! Sense of humor has gone to the dogs, well. 1…2…3…" The tin-can became a toucan; everybody went "wooooooow." The bird took flight, sending a dropping on Ron's shiny red hair. The room roared with laughter. McGonagall quickly turned it back into a tin-can, landing on Poopicus' head. She ignored the spectacle and said "That was a nonverbal by the way.
"Now, I would like you to make groups of three. Since we must start from scratch, we are turning erasers into chewing gum." Harry, Ron, and Hermione got together much to Ron's chagrin.
Many students were frustrated at how hard it was; Seamus' eraser just melted, while Crabbe got his to dissolve into eraser shavings. "You musn't be too forceful Crabbe," muttered Professor McGonagall." Hermione already achieved a tye-dye gum-ball and was passing the time reading The Bigots of Wizards while Harry and Ron were still stumped.
Thirty minutes later, McGonagall said "Wands down. It is time for your first test. Concentrate, don't be nervous." Harry suppressed a gulp as Ron looked like he was being sent to a firing squad. Neville was the first to go, achieving only a sluglike apparition of an eraser. "Poor" said McGonagall without pity. Crabbe's blew up before he even flicked his wand. " Cough…cough What do I have to do to make you use less force? Dreadful!"
Eventually it was Hermione's turn. With an effortless flick of her wand, the eraser molded into a tie-dye gumball. "Impressive!" McGonagall helped herself to the chewing gum. Her face exploded into absolute astonishment to the taste. Harry wished he could transfigure her into a fat cow with the same expression chewing cud. "Mrs. Granger! This is excellent! Outstanding!" Hermione went back to reading her book.
Harry could only turn his into a gooey wax. "Well, it looks like gum." McGonagall took it and put it in her mouth. A stone-faced expression ensued. She spat it back on Harry's desk. "Tastes like crap. Poor." By this time, Ron was shivering crazy.
"Mr. Weasley, you're up." Ron made a tremendous effort, his eyes vigilant, every nerve of him intent on showing that old wind bag he could do it. He flicked! The eraser flipped over. "Troll." muttered McGonagall.
Ron complained all the way to History of Magic. "That lady's mental! The grades should be based on effort."
"If only you'd spend more time reading than playing Virtual Quidditch Ron." snickered Hermione.
"Is that so? Hermy-ONE!" shouted Ron.
"How dare you! I'm gonna go cry!"
Harry just stayed quiet; he figured it was going to be like this for a long time.
If Transfiguration was the underwear of Hogwarts, History of Magic would be the jockstrap. The teacher, was the most dead (true to it), boring to the core, and was a true Pearsonite. He greeted the class with a wispy voice that would even make the Puritans fall in a coma. He trudged through the roll call, taking up half the class in doing it. He stopped at "Poopicus Brownwipe." looked kind of confused, and went on.
"Now." He said in a monotone voice. "I'm sure you all enjoy the facets of what made you who you are..." Ron was fast asleep, Harry was getting there. Hermione in the meantime was just completing her ten thousandth wizard crossword puzzle. "…In this class, usually there will be four lectures and a test. Take notes, study and you should do fine…" He seemed to get sleepy a bit himself. "… Also from time to time you'll have 30 minute lectures to be graded by me…"
All were visited by the sandman as Mr. Binns began his lecture on Uric the Oddball and his relevance to The Romanian Revolution. As a great cacophonous symphony of snores exploded, Hermione remained the only one awake.
Lunch was a huge relief as Ron stuffed himself silly. Harry also enjoyed a coffin cake. Hermione twiddled with her food as she read Gurblocht's Gargantuan Groves.
Everyone was curious as to what a double potions class would be like. Harry most of all was interested in this potions master. They walked to the dungeons, were it was located, very dark, with green sconces illuminating the large classroom. The walls were grimy with potions spilt from countless generations before, as pillars supported its high ceiling.
The HRH gang(Harry, Ron, Hermione) sat huddled in a dark desk, their bat-like teacher still not present. As no teacher was there, students regaled each other with conversation.
"I got a D in Transfiguration!"
"Awful!"
"I wonder when this big-nosed-"
BOOOOOM!
Everybody screamed as the double-doors to the room exploded with green vapors bellowing forth. A batty-like figure clanked across the class to the lectern, his pale face gleaming and black greasy hair swaying melodramatically.
"Cool," thought Harry.
The black figure turned to the beseeched students. Silence resonated.
" Neville Longbottom…" He said in an impressive bass voice, breaking the silence.
"Here!" The professor didn't even look.
"Hermione Granger…"
The roll went on as usual, except for… well… you know. The professor leaned his head at what he saw on the roll sheet as his long hair dangled at the edges. He gave a wince that expressed 'huh?', and then went on.
After a few names, the dark figure glanced at the roll sheet with a flicker in his black eyes, a curl forming in his lip.
"… our new celebrity…"
Harry raised his hand and said, "Here!"
"I know you're here POTTER!" Snape glided to Harry's desk. "Now… tell me what would happen if I combined Acidic Murthbeetle to an infusion of Ca-ca-ditous Floride and gave it five clockwise turns, and a counter clockwise turn every fifth." Hermione raised her hand.
"I don't know professor!" Harry beamed happily.
"Hmmm…Where would you go if I wanted you to find me a Vindictus Mushroom, which specifically had red dots, with smaller green dots inside of those?" Hermione reached higher.
"I still don't know!" Harry's smile remained intact.
"Hmmm…pity….clearly… fame… isn't… everything…" The bat like figure cowered over Harry in triumph. "What potion would I create, if I put newt eyes, salamander scales, and toad buttocks…" Neville looked appalled, "together?"
"I don't know professor, but I LOVE YOU!" Harry rose from his desk, arms branched for a hug. Snape stepped away, looking like he was about to have a heart attack.
After regaining his composure, he said "Sit down Potter." He seemed to lose his style as he stuttered his way down the rest of roll-sheet.
At the end, he said "Is that everyone?" A small hand waved frighteningly.
"Yes?"
"My name sir… y-y-y-you didn't s-s-say my name."
"YOU WONDER WHY I DIDN'T CALL YOUR NAME?" The boy deflated.
"BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS POOPICUS BROWNWIPE!"
He flicked his hair back, and strutted to the front of the class, a light shined on him as if he was performing to a vast gothic theatre. "I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science of potion-making, yet for those…select….few." He stopped to look at Malfoy. "I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a STOPPER!" everyone in the class jumped, "…in death. I know you dunderheads won't appreciate the slowly rising fumes shimmering from a cauldron, or the bountiful curves of an Erlenmeyer Flask." Hermione sighed.
"SILENCE! Snape crashed his hands on Neville's desk. After that, Neville was the only one paler than Snape that period. "There will be no foolish wand waving, or silly incantations in my class. As a result," he gazed at Harry, "some of you may not think this is even real magic." Snape stopped for a second and stood perfectly erect. "BUT I assure you, this is magic to its highest degree! Its pinnacle of mysticism, and it's guaranteed, it's BONAFIDE!" Snape shook his fist and shouted with a southern drawl. "…to challenge fate itself."
Harry thought this class was gonna be awesome.
If History of Magic was the jockstrap of Hogwarts, then Potions class would be the protective cup. Snape put groups of two per cauldron to produce the Nasalesnot potion.
Ron and Harry were paired together, while that lucky suck-up Malfoy got Hermione.
"What's so important about this 'Nasal-e-snot potion?'" asked Ron.
"It's a simple remedy for the common nasal blockage one is disposed to suffer," replied Snape.
"So, what's the point? It's not like we got clogged bogies in our noses twenty-four seven?"
"Happens all the time to m-!Mr. Weasley! One more word out of you and anybody else, and I'll deduct house points!...uh… except Slytherin!"
Classmates were flustered at how the 'simple remedy' was proving more frustrating every minute. Neville and Seamus got mucus orange in their stew. It profusely bubbled, sending a squirt into Neville's eye. He howled with pain as Snape shouted "You idiot!" and smacked him on the back of the head with his reading material.
Goyle and Poopicus were left with a crap-brown sludge…go figure.
Hermione and Draco achieved the shimmering turquoise, well…actually… Hermione did. Malfoy was too busy flirting with the girls, making them think he really knew what he was doing. Snape briskly uttered a 'return to your work' scowl, to make him stop daydreaming. Yet Dean was just asking another friend at another table how he achieved a purple rise. Snape gave him a hard smack on the head with a book.
"3 points from Gryffindor."
Harry and Ron couldn't get the ideal turquoise blend Hermione got. It looked more like a snot green. Snape glanced and remarked, "We're trying to get rid of the blockage not make more of it."
Ron snorted "Sh'up pig nose! I haven't even added the beetle legs yet."
Snape's arrogant face turned into a worrisome fright.
"You're adding the beetle legs last? NOOOOOOOOO!
Ron dropped the beetle legs, landing in the cauldron with a soft ploop.
BOOOOM!
After the explosion cleared, Harry and Ron were on opposite sides of the dungeon, with Snape landing on his desk, rear first. All were covered in flabby mucus snot. With a gooey slop, Snape was on his feet, standing on the desk, a strain of boogers splatting into Neville.
"TONIGHT'S…HEH…HUH…ASSIGNMENT!" snorted Snape, exhaling and inhaling uncontrollably. "ONE HUNDRED FEET OF PARCHMENT ON WHY YOU ARE YOU ARE TAKING THIS CLASS!"
"But sir!" exclaimed Seamus. "We are required to take this class!"
"YOU MIGHT HAVE AN INCH THERE MR. FINNIGAN !"
Dinner was a reprieve from Snape; Ron was still bewildered by the homework.
"A HUNDRED FEET? DID YOU HEAR THAT BLOODY FOOL?"
Hermione was already done and reading Witch Watcher's: The Chronicles.
"Let's see." thought Harry, busy thinking why he was taking Potions Class. "The…first… reason… why…I'm…taking…Potions…is that…I…love…Snape- no…Professor Severus Snape!" Harry felt like he was already getting off to a good start in impressing the Potions Master.
"Hey guys! Look at the Daily Prophet!" screamed Seamus. The HRH gang scrambled with others around Seamus. The top headline read:
Gringotts Break-in Latest
Investigations continue into the break-in at Gringotts 31, July
The vault had been emptied the same day and nothing was stolen…
Harry paid little attention to the headline, but instead read an interesting article on "How lice affect a man's life." Faces were full of fear. Could it be that that was the vault that Hagrid had opened the same day? Could it be that they brought it to Hogwarts, the only place safer than Gringotts? Could it be that lice could destroy a man's life through the inside out? COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?