Disclaimer: I only own Alexis Michaels. No one else
.~.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Jeff Hardy
I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"
To: Shane Helms
From: Shannon Moore
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
To: Ken Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
So I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog
To: John Morrison
From: Alexis Michaels
He said he didn't have a condom
To: Alexis Michaels
From: John Morrison
And you said?
To: John Morrison
From: Alexis Michaels
That that's fine cause I was ready to be a mom. Yeah – he magically had a condom he forgot about after that
To: Christian
From: Edge
I told you I was good to drive
To: Edge
From: Christian
Dumbass I drove…you sat in the passenger's seat and steered with a paper plate
To: Edge
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Alexis Michaels
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber…I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
I fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love
To: Edge
From: Matt Hardy
I would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
I would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me
To: Chris Jericho
From: The Miz
Seriously iPhone. Stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Evan Bourne
I'm stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
To: Heath Slater
From: Justin Gabriel
So I guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why I was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently I yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
To: Christian
From: Edge
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. My day has been officially made
To: Matt Hardy
From: Alexis Michaels
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat
To: Alexis Michaels
From: Matt Hardy
You're the best girlfriend ever
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
So the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM…he is my new hero
To: The Miz
From: John Morrison
Wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
Awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. Explanation?
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
You said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets
To: Wade Barrett
From: Justin Gabriel
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwich…
To: Alexis Michaels
From: Matt Hardy
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight
To: Matt Hardy
From: Alexis Michaels
Babe, don't say it like that!
To: Alexis Michaels
From: Matt Hardy
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Shane Helms
Subject: Matt Hardy and Alexis Michaels
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
To: Shane Helms
From: Jeff Hardy
Subject: Matt Hardy and Alexis Michaels
I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
To: Shawn Michaels
From: Alexis Michaels
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camouflage to go hunting…should I bump into him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
To: Matt Hardy
From: Jeff Hardy
I made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer
To: John Morrison
From: Alexis Michaels
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hanger
To: Alexis Michaels
From: John Morrison
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
On my iPhone they have an app for that
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
I have to decide between the hot young blonde with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Ken Anderson
My dog ran away and came back with a marijuana plant. What are you doing tonight?
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
So after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. I said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me don't worry I'll make it up to you'
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
I literally fucking hate you so fucking much
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
To: Christian
From: Edge
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
Why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
To: The Miz
From: John Morrison
You decided you wanted to name them and keep them as pets
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Alexis Michaels
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
What? you sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
To: Shane Helms
From: Shannon Moore
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes
To: Edge
From: Christian
A girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoodie and sweat pants. Said she was over slept. I guess she got hot and unzipped it. It was only then she realized she was sleeping without a shirt or bra
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
A lesson I learned in the hospital…when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot
To: Ken Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
I wonder if you can grow weed on Farmville and sell it on Mafia Wars
To: Shannon Moore
From: Shane Helms
How's the party?
To: Shane Helms
From: Shannon Moore
Ists fjcssing insceredle
To: Shannon Moore
From: Shane Helms
Be there in 10
To: Matt Hardy
From: Alexis Michaels
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened
To: Chris Jericho
From: The Miz
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain
To: Christian
From: Edge
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Ken Anderson
I just followed up on a noise complaint…only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party
To: Ken Anderson
From: Jeff Hardy
I want to be a cop
To: Chris Shelley
From: Alex Sabin
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer