"So are we gonna go get the Sorcerer's Stone today?" Ron chirped as he strutted into breakfast late.
"That was the plan wasn't it," said Harry slurping some Zha Jiang Mian, "But then it turned out that we had finals today."
"Well I guess I wasn't worried about it considering it was a statistical impossibility for me to pass anyway," Ron said happily as he took a seat.
"How did you figure out that?" Harry asked aghast.
"Oh," Ron replied eating Mapo Doufu, "Hermyone told me." Ron laughed at his fully original joke as someone passed behind.
"Well then Ronald, I guess I'm not helping you find the Sorcerer's Stone!" Hermione scowled. "So what's it going to be Harry? Me or Ron? CHOOSE!" Hermione shrieked breaking Albus' milk glass as it sputtered down his chin.
"You know that 2nd year Ravenclaw girl with the Asian name?" Harry seemed to have ignored Hermione completely; "She is so hot."
"I quit," sighed Hermione.
Finals went swimmingly for Harry who was able to manage an 'Average' with Flitwick's Removal Charm, despite removing the paint from a famous eighteen century painting. He got a 'Dreadful' in history of Magic because he only answered the question about his birthday correctly. Harry's forgetfulness potion was so good that Snape forgot how good it was and gave him a 'Troll.' In Transfiguration Harry thought he would get top marks for transfiguring a peace of wood into War and Peace, but Hermione turned her block into a Kindle.
"It's amazing," gasped McGonagall, examining it with her hands.
"My parents bought me five in the Muggle world because I wore them all out," Hermione beamed.
"I have no doubt Ms. Granger," McGonagall said, wearily scribbling down an Outstanding.
The final Final (tee hee hee) was Professor Quirrell's.
"Oh gee, I can't wait to draw two animals having a go of it in the wild," Ron joked on the way to class.
However, Quirrell announced that the class would be going out to have their first 'field experience' as he called it for their final. The class erupted with shouts of joy.
"N-na-na-na-now don't guh-get tuh-tuh-too hasty!" Quirrell squeaked.
"Why don't you just sing us Hey Jude and be done with it, you stuttering fool!" Weasely screamed. Quirrell didn't hear.
Quirrell escorted them to the lake (after running away from a dangerous pack of gnats) where he stopped to take a breather.
"So are we going to get to fight the giant squid?" Malfoy whipped out his wand.
"Wuh-well Mr. Muh-Malfoy…" Quirrell tried to respond.
"Let me professor! I'll teach that stupid squid to mess with a Malfoy. I do a mean Killing Curse," Malfoy started jumping around as Crabbe and Goyle smirked triumphantly.
"I duh-don't think we've gone over that one yet…eh."
Suddenly the waters rumbled and the head of the giant squid erupted from the water. A large gasp escaped the crowd as Malfoy screamed, "Daddy save me!"
"This is why I duh-don't like to luh-luh-luh-leave the cuh-classroom kuh-kiddies!" Quirrell squealed as he fell to the ground in perfect synchronization with an audible grunt. Harry dismissed it from his mind as a giant tentacle swept toward him.
"Harry look out," Hermione yelled.
But I'm Harry Potter, he thought, I'm invincible!
The tentacle swung mightily through the air nearing Harry's puny body. In a split second the tentacle changed direction, instead sweeping Poopicus Brownwipe off his feet and tossing him across the lake farther than the eye could see.
"Ruh-ruh-RUN AWAY!" Quirrell yelled as his students retreated, Poopicus still soaring.
As they all caught their breath in front of the Hogwarts gate, Hermione asked what grades they would be getting on their finals. "Oh, an 'Outstanding of course, for all of you!" Ron's weeping was drowned out by a large "HOORAY!"
"Ron, why are you weeping?" asked Harry.
Wiping away a tear he said, "Here I was, Ron Weasely, thinking I would be the first student in the history of Hogwarts to get a troll on every final. Now I'm just another stupid Weasely…I could have been a really stupid Weasely." He collapsed into Harry's arm crying madly.
"Well you all guh-get 'Outstandings' excuh-cuh-cept for Buh-Buh-Buh-Brownwipe. He duh-deserves a 'Troll' for buh-being so stupid."
"Now that our finals are done," Hermione blabbered on as they walked through Hogwarts, "I was thinking we should see if Hagrid can help us get past Fluffy."
"And here I was," said Ron, "thinking we wouldn't have to worry about anymore crap all school year, and Hermione wants to do some work!" He rolled his eyes melodramatically before walking into a pillar.
"Do you really think Hagrid would tell us how to get past Fluffy?" Harry asked, completely disregarding an injured Ron clutching a broken nose.
"I don't know," Hermione pondered.
"Well, it is Hagrid," Ron sputtered lifting himself from the floor.
"Look, thur is no way I'ma tellin' yuh how to get past ol' Fluffy!" Hagrid bellowed, "An' Weserly, stop bleedin' on me bleedin' floor!" Ron clutched his bloody nose with a few dirty towels.
"Surry Hagrid," he sniffed.
"Look Hagrid," Hermione ignored Ron's obvious pain, "we have to get the Sorcerer's Stone before Snape gets it and gives it You-Know-Who!"
"Who's Ya-Knoo-Who?" Hagrid asked. Hermione face palmed as Harry took over.
"Look Hagrid the Sorcerer's Stone can freaking turn stuff to gold! Isn't that cool?"
"Uh, yeah I guess," Hagrid replied. "Look, yeh shouldn't be meddlin' in other good people's business. I mean I'm not jus' gonna tell any poor sap wit' a lightenin' scur on his bloody forehead that Fluffy is really just a sap fer cute little knitted clothing, ya know? Like one time I got her this cute li'le dress 'at she wure. It was jus' so perfec'…"
Hagrid continued to ramble on as the HRH gang slipped away.
"So all we have to do is give something to Fluffy to wear and then we can just walk on through," said Hermione as they walked back up the hill to Hogwarts.
"Yeah, but where are we gonna get some cute knitted clothes that would fit a giant dog?" Ron questioned as they passed into Hogwarts.
"Wait," Harry said. An idea had just come to him. "Hermione, didn't you spend the summer knitting phat hats?"
"Well, not the entire summer," she replied. "I read so many wonderful books-"
"That's it!" said Ron. "We could give Fluffy a hat!" Ron looked so proud of himself.
"Except we'd need three of them and they might need to be fatter," Harry declared as they took to the stairs.
"I think I've got a few in my trunk. C'mon!" Hermione shouted.
"Did Hermione just make a grammatically incorrect statement?" Harry asked in bewilderment.
"How would I know?" said Ron.
Hermione came down the stairs from the girl's dormitory to the Gryffindor Common Room, with three phat hats in her hands.
"And I've got just the charm to make them fit Fluffy perfectly," Hermione glowed.
"Okay," said Harry. "We'll wait until nightfall and get the stone before Snape has a chance to."
"Hey Harry," Ron started. "How come you're so interested in getting the Sorcerer's-"
"Quiet Ronald!" Hermione interjected.
"Surry." Ron flinched. "Why do you want it so bad now?"
Harry looked Ron right in the eyes and said, "Because I'm Harry Potter."
Ron looked at him strangely for a moment and then said, "Oh yeah. You're right."
Darkness couldn't come fast enough for Harry, and when he and Ron were sufficiently sure that Dean and Seamus were fast asleep, they slipped out from their beds and traveled downstairs to the Common Room. Hermione stood waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.
"Took you two long enough," she whispered.
"Let's do this," Harry said.
"Yeah," said Ron.
Just then, one of the comfy red Gryffindor chairs turned around and a voice whispered, "Going somewhere?"
Ron fought back a shriek as his heart skipped a beat.
"It's only Neville," said Hermione.
"Oh thank God! I thought that was McGonagall," Ron stated.
"His voice is quite feminine," Harry replied.
"Enough!" Neville shouted. "I'm not going to let you go out there and get in trouble. Gryffindor can't afford to lose anymore points after what you guys did earlier."
"Neville!" shouted Harry. "We're in last place! It's over! We have no chance of winning! Now get out of my way before I'm forced to tickle you!" Harry raised his wand.
"You can't bully me this time! I'll punch your lights out!" Neville put up his fists, but his defense was short lived as Hermione shot a hex that headed right for his head. It collided and then rocketed him into the wall, sticking him there.
"What did you do to him?" Ron asked as they crawled out the passage.
"I glued his mouth shut," Hermione giggled.
The HRH gang donned the invisibility cloak. It was tough work getting them all under there, but luckily they were still just little tykes. They hurried to the first floor corridor dodging Mrs. Norris, who was chasing a mouse, Peeves, who was tickling one of the suits of armor ("STOP! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!"), Filch, who was eating some ramen noodles, and the Fat Friar, who was attempting to eat ramen noodles but failing miserably. His cries followed them down the hall.
After what seemed like hours they found the door. Strangely, it was unlocked.
"Someone's been here," Hermione whispered nervously.
"Time to work your magic, Hermione," Harry said as they slipped into the room and removed the cloak.
There was Fluffy, majestic as ever, yet peculiarly wearing a purple sweater and three black bow ties.
"Only Snape would force it to where those bow ties," Ron said with disgust as Hermione pulled out the phat hats.
"Increcius Times Five," Hermione yelled pointing her wand at the hats. Fluffy roared as the hats began to increase in size.
"This should be good enough," Hermione smiled. The hats were now as wide as Fluffy's heads.
"Hey Fluffy," Hermione said in a baby voice, "Who wants a cutsie hat?" One of the heads lay down and Hermione placed one of the hats snuggly upon it. "Who's a good dog?" Hermione said and the others followed suit.
"Too easy," said Ron as they lifted the trapdoor. "So who first," he asked.
Harry gave him a shove and Ron screamed as he fell into the darkness below.
"What's down there?" Harry called.
"I can't believe you did that Harry!" Ron screamed again.
"What's down there Ronald?" Hermione demanded.
"I don't know," he stated, "but it's real itchy."
Hermione and Harry shrugged and jumped in together, Fluffy still admiring its hats.
Harry felt himself fall into something real squishy. It wrapped around his body slowly.
"What is this?" Harry yelled, beginning to feel a lot less like Harry Potter.
"I don't know," Ron screamed, "But it's tickling where one isn't supposed to be tickled."
"That's funny it isn't doing anything to me," chimed Hermione as she slipped through the vines to the ground below.
"Hermione!" Ron and Harry yelled.
"Oh!" Hermione exclaimed. "I know what this is! I read about it in Herbology."
"Screw Herbology! What is it?" Harry screamed for dear life. The vines began to crush his body faster and faster.
"It's Stupidity Snare, the more you do stupid things, the more it's going to hurt you."
"How do we kill it?" Ron screamed as a vine smacked him in the face.
"Stop being stupid and say something intelligent!" Hermione puffed.
"E equals MC squared," Harry yelled and the snare let him go.
"Good job, Harry," Hermione applauded.
"You know me," he said as he sat down on the ground, visibly shaken.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Ron screamed as the vines covered his face.
"Say what Harry said!" Hermione suggested loudly.
"E equals…aw! I forgot it already," Ron cried.
"Are you serious Ron?" Hermione ripped some bushy hair from her scalp.
"WHAT'S THE POINT?" Ron was in tears now. "I'M USELESS TO YOU GUYS ANYWAY!"
Suddenly, Ron felt the snare release its grip and drop him to the floor with a plop.
"Well, this is awkward," Ron whispered as he rubbed the back of his head.
The gang continued onward down a dark tunnel. They came to a door which Harry promptly opened, revealing a large chamber with thousands of flying bugs.
"Not bugs," pleaded Hermione.
But on closer examination, they weren't bugs at all but merely keys with wings attached to them that were zooming above their heads. They traveled onward to the other side of the room where they found another door and a broom nearby.
"Okay," Ron said sizing up the keys, "Here's the plan-"
"Ron," Harry said.
"I'll fly through the air and try to find the key that fits this door-"
"Ron."
"I'll throw em to you, Hermione and you can try em on the door."
"RON!" Harry screamed.
"Geez, what is it Harry?"
"First of all," Harry looked like steam was about to pour from his ears, "You don't make any plans! I do!" And then with a wave of his head, "I am the Chosen One."
And it's capitalized, Hermione thought.
"Secondly, the door's unlocked. Whoever went through here earlier was an idiot."
A pause.
"Snape," they all agreed.
Harry opened the door. Beyond them was a pool of water with three boats of different sizes floating in it. A giant wall stood in front of the pool obscuring the view of the other side.
"Is this…" Harry wondered.
Hermione finished, "Battleship…"
"What's that?" Ron asked.
"A muggle game," Hermione responded, "You wouldn't know you ignorant wannabe wizard."
"Is this Be-Mean-To-Ron-Day?" he asked.
"No, that's tomorrow," said Harry.
"It looks like we must duel... Potter."
There was no mistaking that voice.
"Snape," they all three said.
"Yes," he let an evil laugh bellow. "It is me, the Potions Master!"
Dang it, thought Harry, How'd he get that capitalized?
"But even now, Potter, it isn't too late to run away. Just go ahead and run away like your coward father! Run Potty, run!"
"Don't insult my father you hook-nosed goat-lover. I've had enough of your crap. Let's do this." The gang couldn't see but Snape was obviously taken aback.
Harry jumped on to the smallest boat. "I'll take the smallest one because I'm the hero and I sacrifice for my friends."
"But Harry," Hermione noted, "the smallest boat has the smallest chance of being hit!"
"Shut up and pick a boat!"
Hermione jumped onto the mid-size boat, as Ron swam to the largest one.
"You'll regret ever being born when I crush you Potter!" Snape howled as the battle commenced. "D2," he said smugly.
From the wall that separated our heroes and the goat-lover a giant ball of metal appeared.
"Holy crap!" Ron yelled.
The ball flew through the air, speeding toward D2. It rumbled menacingly. It must have weighed a few tons. It collided with the water.
It made a cute little sploosh sound.
Harry and Ron began to laugh uncontrollably.
"We'll see who's laughing when I defeat you!" Snape yelled, though he was beginning to get nervous.
Between fits of laughter Harry was able to squeak out, "D2."
Snape who was standing at the very back of his battleship suddenly broke into a cold sweat. D2 was the exact front of his boat. Before he could move the giant metal ball raced toward the front of the boat.
His last thought was Why, cruel fate, oh why?
The boulder smashed the front of the ship propelling Snape through the air like a first year on a see-saw with Uncle Vernon, and Snape collided with the wall that separated him from the stupid Potter kid. It knocked him instantly unconscious.
"We won!" screamed Ron who had been fretting from the beginning since he knew none of the rules.
Then, the divider turned to the side and a rush of water pushed the boats down a tunnel. The boats parked themselves in front of a large metal door. It took the whole gang to push it open.
"What's the point of this?" Ron asked as they stepped through the room.
"Shh!" was the reply from Hermione.
The room was completely bare, except for a door at the other end of the room. They advanced cautiously, examining every corner or flicker of movement. Suddenly something white and menacing came up from the ground and Ron screeched like a Banshee.
Before them stood a cardboard cutout of a ghost, the kind that little kids dress up like for Halloween with a sheet and two holes for eyes.
"I guess it was supposed to scare us to death…" Harry stood bewildered. "Must have been Quirrell's."
They all nodded, Ron still a little scared, and headed for the next room.
Inside there was a large fireplace with a bright blue fire roaring in it. In front of the fireplace was a table with a collection of liquids on it and a note.
They all began to read the note.
"Say Hermione," Ron started, "could you read it all out so we get the gist of it?"
"Fine," she scowled removing the sheet from the table.
Love
Tender Bosom
For Her Me
Floating Deep Dark Pain
Lily
"That bastard!" said Harry.
"Hey, look on the bright side, at least he's nursing a concussion," Ron offered.
"Guys, I think this is some kind of clue," Hermione said.
"Look we don't time for clues and Haikus here!" Harry suddenly looked angry. "Now we're just gonna have to do some guess work, aren't we?" He looked at Ron and Hermione.
"Ron, try this one," He said holding a green liquid up to Ron's face.
"I'd rather not," he moved his hands squeamishly.
"DRINK IT!"
"Ok," he cried, downing the potion.
"How's it feel?" asked Hermione.
"I feel…good," he said, "Like I just had a Bulgarian Buffalo Burger. I've honestly never felt this way-"
He stopped and let out a burp.
"Not again!" He yelled as fat began to form all over his body.
"It's a Blubberification Brew," Hermione gasped as Ron grew.
"Darn bou Harry!" Ron shouted through his jiggling jowls. Harry didn't seem to notice (Or care).
"Try this one Hermione," Harry offered holding a yellow potion to her face.
"Harry, this is a stupid plan," she said.
"I MAKE THE PLANS HERE! I'M THE CHOSEN ONE! SO GET USED TO IT!" Harry bellowed as he poured the liquid down her throat.
Hermione began to scream as her hair stood on edge (It was almost as long as her body when it was on end.) and she began to shake like she was having a seizure before collapsing to the ground and fainting.
"So that's the Tazer Draught," Harry said rubbing his chin, and wondering which potion to try next. He looked up and down the potions till he noticed something. A red potion was only half as full, as if someone had already taken a drink before Harry had gotten here.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Ron jiggled as Harry took a drink. "You had to get me blubbered up and Hermione shocked when the potion was right in front of you!"
"Too bad I have to leave you guys now. Toodles!" Harry waved his fingers, ignoring Ron as he walked into the fireplace.
On the other side of the fireplace there was only a door. This must be it, Dumbledore's enchantment. Harry began to wonder what the great wizard had come up with but all he could think of was lemon drops and rainbows.
No! Dumbledore's is going to be brilliant and if I want the stone that can create gold I'm going to have to be at the top of my game. With this thought in his greedy little head, Harry stepped into the chamber unprepared for the horror that awaited him.