To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck
To: Everyone
From: Alexis Michaels
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
To: Alex Shelly
From: Chris Sabin
Bl I w
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
This should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
The karaoke bar doesn't have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
Are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Bc I get to see you. Naked
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
To: Alexis Michaels
From: Jeff Hardy
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
Please elaborate on, "at least one ear"
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
So yeah I told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "I still don't want to fuck him". I tried
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Ken Anderson
So high and I think I just ordered a magic bullet
To: Ken Anderson
From: Jeff Hardy
Did you call within the first 18 minutes? Can I have the free one?
To: Evan Bourne
From: Justin Gabriel (school setting)
I got lost in a forest last night. This morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 tree on campus
To: Alex Shelley
From: Chris Sabin
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. Today is gonna be awesome
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way
To: Chris Sabin
From: Alex Shelley
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again
To: John Morrison
From: Chris Jericho
People are handing out Olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky Canadian government, very sneaky
To: Edge
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Alexis Michaels
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry
To: Evan Bourne
From: Justin Gabriel
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse
To: John Morrison
From: Alexis Michaels
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on
To: Alexis Michaels
From: John Morrison
What will that accomplish?
To: John Morrison
From: Alexis Michaels
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on
To: The Miz
From: ?
Come over
To: ?
From: The Miz
Yeah sure
To: ?
From: The Miz
Wait who is this again? My contacts got deleted…but tell me and I'll be there in 10
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
Watchout when you come home, wades at the top of the stairs naked eating Doritos
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
Just threw the rents a curveball by making French toast and bacon when I came home sober. Good luck tellin when I'm high/drunk now
To: Edge
From: Matt Hardy
We had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. I've never seen you happier
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Evan Bourne
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. Its too entertaining to call the cops
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up
To: Edge
From: Christian
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our Christmas card
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
These 2 russian guys walked past me and I got freaked out because I thought call of duty got real
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos
To: Alexis Michaels
From: John Morrison
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
To: Edge
From: Christian
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
To: Christian
From: Edge
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life
To: John Morrison
From: Alexis Michaels
Subject: Where's the Miz?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius
To: Alexis Michaels
From: Matt Hardy
Grab my backpack…its in the fridge
To: Christian
From: Edge
This kid is drunk
To: Edge
From: Christian
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and no some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Ken Anderson
I was so high last night that I'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive…I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
To: Alexis Michaels
From: The Miz
Quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Heath Slater
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
To: Christian
From: Edge
I want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when I take a girl to my room
To: Wade Barrett
From: Justin Gabriel
Subject: Drunk Slater
He was wearing a speedo fashioned out of American flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot…raising the American flag like that"
To: Matt Hardy
From: Christian
Walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
To: Alexis Michaels
From: Matt Hardy
Can we take a shower together?
To: Matt Hardy
From: Alexis Michaels
No need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
To: John Morrison
From: The Miz
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland – guys just passed out cold in front of us – first drug overdoes of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Evan Bourne
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does
To: Edge
From: Christian
No, no, no. omg. I said I wanted a SANDWICH! Not a picture of your dick. Damn cant you read? SANDWICH! Now I'm blinded. Great job