Title: The Theory
Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?
I FINALLY have a break for exams and this chapter is long overdue.
I own nothing except for a demonic uterus and the impending sense that something horrible is about to happen; or to be clinical: gas.
Chapter 4 – Morning, Roomie.
The freezer exhaled a large cloud of frost before something fell from the opening. Looking down, I saw the miniature form of Koenma stand up and remove a crystal of ice from his pacifier.
At this point, I just want to cry.
And I did actually. Well just a few sobs brought on by exhaustion and period pain, but the emotion was still there. Sliding down to the floor, I looked up at child Koenma who now stood precariously on the edge of the sink, barely shoulder length to Kuronue as he stared up at the demon.
"Good evening," he said looking at the both of us with slight boredom. "I'll assume you know why I'm here."
'I dunno, maybe the 6 foot deceased bat demon in my kitchen?' I thought looking between the two of them wondering which voodoo priestess I pissed off in the lunch line to deserve this.
"I'll get straight to the point: your freezer," he begins, pointing his stubby, sausage finger at me dramatically. "Seems to be a dimensional link to the Spirit World and that man," he continues, turning the finger on Kuro, "has escaped from his ordeal in limbo."
"Limbo? Really?" I asked looking over the slightly disinterested phone-killer. "I would think he'd go straight to hell for all the looting and plundering and fornicating and other fun…bad stuff."
"Hey! I'm not that bad," Kuro said, looking up from picking under his nails…claws (?). "I just prefer certain kinds of entertainment and pastimes."
"Regardless," chibi god man continued, "it is pertinent that I take him and return to Spirit World." I could not be nodding my head any more vigorously. "However…"
'Fuuuuuck.'
"……it would seem the 'portal' only allows travel of certain wavelengths of energy in specific directions, so instead of keeping Kuronue in, it sent him out and won't let him back in."
"Mmmm. Reminds me of that virgin that one night in Guand-"
"ANYWAYS!! He has to stay here until further notice," he concluded looking down at me on the floor.
"Oh well that's just perfect then isn't it? Leave him here! Absolutely no problem whatsoever!!" I said gesturing wildly as a slightly manic smiled found itself on my face.
"Good well now that that's settled-"
"NO IT'S NOT FUCKING SETTLED!! ARE YOU ALL INSANE?!!" I proclaimed jumping to my feet. Well, jumping as best as you can with a cotton diaper on that people pass off as some kind of enjoyable, comfortable accessory whose adhesive doesn't slip and stick to places it just doesn't belong……but I digress. "He," I said, pointing emphatically at the bat, "cannot stay here. Do you know what him being here comprises for me?! Besides my sanity, how am I going to explain to my mother that some 500 centurion Marilyn Manson-looking motherfucker is eating her burnt grilled cheese and asking for lunch money?!"
"Well Spirit World would supply the necessary funds to-"
"I can't walk around without pants anymore!! Do you know how hot it gets in this country!?! The demons working colonic duty for Satan wouldn't even spend a whole year here and I need ventilation goddammit!!"
"Yes that's all very upsetting," Koenma said, obviously unsympathetic to my unclothed plight. "But you'll just have to deal with it somehow."
"Deal with it!? Bu- I….you can't……" Blinking I looked from him to a nostalgic Kuronue who was no doubt thinking about virgins and hard entrances. I felt the total exhaustion of the whole evening overcome me in one fell swoop and, with shoulders sagging and body worn I proclaimed "I'm going to bed." And with that I got off the floor, joints cracking because I'm so rickety and walked off towards my bedroom, deaf to whatever conversation was going on between the two hallucinations I left in the kitchen. Turning on the fan, I ditched the bra and collapsed into bed, the clock briefly flashing green as the hour came around and 2:00 AM scrolled along the screen. The cool temperature of the pillow and sheets lulled me into a false sense of security with my surroundings and I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.
---------------------What by this time, is most likely daylight----
It was getting harder and harder to breathe. An ever-present pressure seemed to be increasing on my chest as I tried to take a breath. It wasn't quite murderous, just annoying, like slight asthma acting up. Finally I'd had enough of trying to wiggle away or breathe (because oxygen flowing to my brain is so boring right?) so I woke fully to look down at what was lying on me. Light shone gently through the blinds, barely illuminating the room. Blinking to clear the crust from my eyes, I focused on the pale bar thrown across my chest and the triangle pointing precariously close to my nose before recognizing the mass as a muscled arm and one annoying demon's ear. I glared down at the head of black hair resting on my shoulder and exhaled in annoyance and just plain exhaustion. The rush of breath probably irritated the ear, as I heard annoyed mumbling as the ear twitched in response and a leg was thrown over my stomach, further pinning me to the bed. Any kind of wriggling seemed to increase the pressure and, giving up for the moment, I glared at the ceiling contemplating escape.
'Hm. I wonder what I should have for breakfast. Cereal? I think there's Fruity Pebbles but I know if I open the box it might not close for the next three days. Maybe I could try cooking? No mommy needs a house to come back. I think there's some frozen pizza although that might be in Spirit World by now with that damned midget and his ogre harem.' Okay so maybe I wasn't seriously contemplating escape, but that last thought brought me back to reality. Well, that and the insistent knee probing between my legs.
'What the fuck is this?' I though, a high-pitched whine escaping my throat as I tried to maneuver the knee away from me. 'Can you rape the willing? Can there be subconscious rape?' All these thoughts and more ran through my head ('if you're pregnant with a bat demon baby, do you fly around by your stomach?') as I bit down on the pointed ear in front of me in a half-assed attempt to free myself. A raging howl and a knee to my groin along with a rush of fresh air in my lungs were my reward. Sitting up, I looked over at Kuronue sitting on the floor, nursing an already bruising ear.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he inquired, looking like a hurt puppy….or bat but cuter.
"Firstly," I said clearing my throat of sleep snot, "Good morning. Secondly, if anyone's going to be upset it's going to be me. What gives you the right to crawl into my bed and try to molest me?"
"Firstly: I do not crawl to any woman." He said it with such contempt I couldn't help laughing as he stood, his ear a lovely, pulsating shade of burgundy. "And I wasn't molesting you, I was looking for warmth."
"And you've never heard of a blanket?"
"It was stuck beneath you're enormous ass and I didn't want to wake you."
Scratching my head I was confused which part of that statement I should focus on so I just ignored the ass comment. "Oh. Well I'm sorry, now I feel bad."
"Yeah, well you should," he said huffily as he towered over me. "But I suppose it's fine as you served you're purpose; you're quite warm.
"Thank y-"
"In fact, there was quite a bit of heat stored in the folds of your fat."
Apparently shock, hurt and disgust register on my face as appreciation because the bastard kept talking. "In Demon World, you'd have been a valuable commodity, until they killed and skinned you, making materials for insulation out of your pelt." I couldn't help myself. He kept talking about how useful my fat would be in all these scenarios. I vaguely registered something about highest bidder before I blacked out. When I regained some awareness of my surroundings, I was holding a tennis racket and Kuronue was sporting one of his blades along with some very nice bruises and one leaking flesh wound. "Look bitch," Kuronue said, his tone deadly as he brandished his knife like…well, like a weapon. "I usually have the utmost respect for women-"
I couldn't help the snort that escaped as I rolled from the bed, trying to stand in a sleep-deprived body.
"-respect women as they are often an abundance of amusement and entertainment after a long day of plundering. But you, are by far, the most disgusting, rude, unappreciative wench I have ever had the misfortune to encounter."
"'Unappreciative'? What girl would be appreciative of being told her fat folds serve as a good source of heat? For someone who supposedly drives most of the Makai's female population into a hormonal-driven fuck frenzy when you appear-"
"Good times," he interrupted in an appreciative tone.
"-how in the hell do you not know that a girl doesn't need to be told or reminded about any kinds of folds she has on her body, no matter how useful they might be to somebody?"
"Well I thought I was paying you a compliment. When was the last time a fat, bitter, sweaty virgin like yourself been complimented on your body?" That hurt. But not for long.
"Well at least I, unlike you, will still have my genitals by the time I die as they won't have rotted off from he multitude of congenital diseases I've gotten! I'm sure whatever poor excuse for a cock you have now I just a festering toilet of disease. Come now Kuro, tell me: which cesspool let you in her?"
"HEY! Arlene is a very nice young lady! And the only reason you'd still have that cobweb infested opening you pass off as a sex organ is because even the most radioactive being wouldn't come near it!" by this time he looked very close to stabbing me in the eye as I restrained myself from raping his nose with the racket.
"HA! Well you'd know all about radioactive wouldn't you?!"
"Ignorant whelp!!"
"Cheap disgusting fuckwad!!"
"Overweight, unwanted, greasy sweaty, disgusting beast of a woman!"
"Really? Is me being overweight the only thing you've got against me?!"
"Trust me, there are many things I already despise you for, but your fat ass is the only thing that would be of global concern!"
Before I could form the words to tell him just what kind of unintelligent, uncouth, incorrigible, slutty man-whore the no-good son of a bitch was, a low grumble from deep within the pits of my stomach made itself heard as the sound erupted from my open mouth. The self-satisfied smirk on the bat demon's face was short lived as the beast within his own gut mirrored the sound, questioningly even. Silence passed in the room for a few seconds like a silent and scentless fart, before it was broken.
"You hungry?" I asked, using the racket to scratch my shin.
"Yeah I saw some meat in the freezer thing on my way out. Is it alright if I prepare a meal…mm for the both of us?" he asked, looking down at me, his face and tone tight as he choked on the words.
"You're actually asking permission?" You can understand my utter disbelief after the last few paragraphs.
"I was trying to be polite."
'Big stretch huh?' "Yeah, sure cook whatever you want just don't burn down the house; I don't want any meat right now but maybe later." I moved towards the door as he turned to exit and thus began a mini-smackdown.
'In the left corner or the door, Adrienne Barton 5 feet 8 inches weighing it at a weight that shall not be stated competes against Kuronue standing tall at 6 feet 4 inches, somewhere under 200 pounds; and let the match begin!!'
So of course I lost. I dunno, maybe it was the whole matchup of human teenage girl wracked with cramps versus bad-ass bat demon thief. It was rigged I tell you. Picking myself (along with my bruised pride and backside) off the floor, I made my way to the kitchen to indulge in a salad bowl's worth of Fruity Pebbles; it's been a stressful morning. Luckily the kitchen was still there and Kuro was silently going about cooking the meat. Somehow. I felt it best not ask what with the tense dynamic in the house at the moment. No further words were exchanged as I left the kitchen to bum out in my mother's room because it didn't smell of sweat, insults and hatred and it's the only bedroom with a working a.c. unit. Mixed sounds of Vh1'S Jump Start, sizzling meat and popping cereal filled my ears as I contemplated just how bad this whole situation really is.
'Granted there's a demon in my kitchen cooking steak, but at least he' not like an Exorcist demon or something and he can cook. But I doubt culinary skills will help once my mother comes home. But super-awesome character from Yu Yu Hakusho appeared through a portal and is 'living' with me which is just about every fangirl's dream. Granted the method of arrival is a bit unconventional and the character's a fucking asshole but……' I stared into the bowl of soggy, brightly colored flecks of….whatever the cereal is made out of and just sighed.
'God,' I began. 'I know we don't speak to often, but if you could help me out of this situation or give me some way to manage it, I would really appreciate the help; I can't make promises about the whole porn thing but I could tone down the cursing for a little while. Maybe not be so honest with people. I just need some help….please.'
I sent my prayers heavenwards, sending a pleading look towards the ceiling for good effect. The room filled with light as the sun rose fully and somewhere in the schematics of the house my alarm went off. Already awake, I inhaled the rest of the meal and clambered to the bathroom in hopes of scrubbing the frustration and annoyance from my skin. 'So much for a peaceful weekend alone.'
End Chapter 4.
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Wow. 7 pages of bitching. Didn't think it possible.
Please review, thank you.