Title: The Theory
Disclaimer: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?
Thanks so much for the reviews; they really made my week which has been really shitty what with the studying and my mother telling me to lose weight or die or something like that. This chapter might be long-ish; 3 chapters and barely at the end of the weekend so time to get this bitch in gear! Whoo!! Progress….
I own nothing except for ripe bananas, colon cleansing tablets and a 4GB jump drive... you figure out how they go together cuz I'm drawing a blank.
Chapter 5- Study Abroad
'Just half an hour left. Come on Adri (yes I'm speaking to myself), don't punk out now. Pay attention and write the notes the ballistic, cross-eyed Indian woman, Mrs. Malladi is projectile teaching at you.' Said Indian woman would be my extra lessons teacher. I'm really very fond of her as she's been tutoring me since 9th grade; I was the very first private student she had. Yeah she's a little cross-eyed and/or crazy and everyone's convinced her bindi holds the secrets to her ESP but by this time she's basically family. And yet, with all the familial affection with which I regard this woman, I can't wait to get the fuck out of her house. Not just because of the whole 'learning' thing (she's a very good teacher mind you) but because my hand is cramping up; almost three years and I haven't fully gotten used to her Speed Racer pace of dictating. In any case, it's hard to maintain focus with tendons committing mass suicide and what happened this morning.
----yet another flashback!! Yay for history!!!-----
Towel draped around still dripping body, I rushed to get the phone before Kuro could destroy it in a moment of 'fright'.
"Hello? Auntie Nelly? Five minutes? Yeah okay. Yeah, no worries, I'll be ready. Alright thanks, bye." Sighing I put down the phone and consulted the wall clock. 'Well Shari and Auntie Nelly are never on time; she said five minutes so I probably have 45 minutes. Great, just enough time to be able to leave the house and not be charged for indecent exposure. Is there a draft in here?'
"Why are you naked?"
I turned around to see the voice's source – which was stupid because who, besides a Desperate Housewife really wants to greet somebody half naked? – to be greeted by the 'Jr.'-stamped countenance of adult Koenma himself. "Is this the region normal mode of dress? I thought togas went out of style when Dad killed all the Greeks."
"Um," I managed to get out, because really. What can you say to something like that? "Wait here." And with that, I quickly grabbed clothes and hid in the steamy bathroom, dressing my self in shame. 'What did I do to deserve this?' I thought for what seemed like the thousandth time that weekend. 'Sure some people in the country practice obeah, but I'm not friends with any of them!' I ran my toothbrush roughly across the surface of my hair before realizing I was about to put toothpaste on my brush. Switching the utensil, I hurriedly performed the necessary hygienic acts. Relax; I took the hair out of the toothbrush. 'Maybe that's the reason! Maybe voodoo priestesses at school want to be my friend and I've snubbed them on countless occasions!' A pause in my brushing as I contemplated the likelihood of this scenario. 'Oh who the fuck am I fooling? Nobody likes me,' I thought, furiously brushing my teeth ignoring the light red droplets splattering the sink from my efforts. 'Well my friends do but…eh.' Rinsing, I faced myself in the mirror, wiped some blood from the corner of my mouth, buckled my belt, pulled the underwear out of my ass and went out the door.
"By the way Koenma's coming by," said the bat demon, ripping a dripping piece of meat from a bamboo skewer as he sat beside the bored Prince of Reikai on the bed. "Oh would you look at that? He's already here."
"Really? I failed to notice."
"You know, snarling really does nothing for your skin," Kuro said, looking very pleased. Or full. I'm not too sure.
Muttering about togas and Grecian tragedies, flipped closed the yellowed issue of Vogue and tuned his attention to the both of us. "Well the two of you seem to have gotten along quite well over the past few hours." Clearing his throat, the prince stood and regarded the both of us quite seriously; somehow I'd ended up sitting on the bed beside the asshole. I mean the bitch-boy. I mean in the inconsiderable bastard……you know who I mean dammit. "As was discussed last night, bat demon and thief Kuronue, convicted to 5,000 years of punishment in limbo, has escaped into the Human World and is now fully regenerated into a living being. However, as a result of unforeseen circumstances he can not return to the Spirit World-"
"Can't you just kill him?" I suggested. I'm not exactly a Pacifist.
"What?" both demon and prince said in unison, the voice beside shrill in alarm as if someone had grabbed his balls and turned it sharply to the right. Yes I know it's quite specific.
"Just kill him," I repeated shrugging. "He was dead then, he's alive now, just kill him, put him in some Tupperware and stick him in the freezer." Silence descended on the room as Koenma thoughtfully suckled on his binky as he considered this. Kuronue was looking between the two of us so quickly, I could hear the vertebrae in his neck popping before I felt him roughly grab me by my forearms and shake.
"Are you crazy?!" he politely asked as my head slowed to 15 MPH. you know that snapping sound some people can make when they wave their hands vigorously? Same concept and sound, different body part. More important body part because who can really live without a neck, but hey who's complaining? Now he's actually considering killing me! Do you hate me that much?!"
"Why is everything still moving? My head's stopped but my eyes keep going round and round and round and oh look! A unicorn!!" I felt the hands clutching me let go and fell to the bed, trying to focus on what the 5 images of Koenma were saying.
"While that idea Is much simpler, it won't go through." A sigh of relief left the violent airborne rodent sitting beside me.\ and I couldn't help feel a little peeved.
"Well, why the hell not?"
"Because I've already filled out the paperwork for this plan and killing him greatly decreases the length of this story and prevents any sort of character development," Koenma explained with an enthusiastically nodding Kuronue on the floor from where I kicked him off the bed. These things go quickly, keep up.
"Oh."
"Yes, so instead, Spirit World agents shall be sent later this evening through the portal in order to 'keep an eye on him until such time when he and his soul can be safely extracted from this world so as to continue his punishment.' Or so says the scroll. All other agents are currently occupied and the most recent Spirit Detective is in recovery, so some 'retired agents' will have to suffice," Koenma concluded as his head disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Outside, there was the distant 'beep' of a car horn. Vaulting over the yawning Kuronue, I yanked up my bag, going on faith that it had the books I needed. Putting on what might've been the same pair of shoes, I made a grab for my keys and hauled ass to the door, stopping only to register Kuro's raucous laughter as Koenma's child form erupted from the neck of his teenage body. "I hate when my face leaks!!"
-----------------------
And here we are now: my hand gently whispering "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!?!? STOP WRITING!! AHHHHHHHH!!" while something about tissue systems is being relayed verbally and drawn on the whiteboard. 'Phloem tissues? Or was it tissue cultures? Fuck it, who really cares? Who the hell is going to coming through my freezer? I still haven't put the shelves back and there's been really strange smells coming from there since that night. 'Retired agents'? those four Spirit Detectives?' I couldn't help the sigh that escaped as I cam to this realization. 'Things will spontaneously combust, but mother's garden will thrive. Can't really think of any positives for Yusuke and Kuwabara but an assload of negatives come to mind.' Groaning, I rested my head against the cement wall as my left hand strayed to steal one of Chantal's cookies. 'I'm sure she'll understand. Well she'll have to since it's already fermenting under my tongue.' The glorious sound of the dry-erase marker's cap clicking into place snapped me from my stupor as chairs were pushed back and people filed through the door.
"Wait a minute Adri, I need to speak with you." And in one fell swoop of thick Indian accent, my hopes of 'getting the fuck out of there' were dashed as Ms. Malladi clapped a hand on my shoulder as one of her eyes focused thoughtfully on mine. "Are you okay? Have you been sleeping at night?" ESP I tell you.
"I'm just a little tired, I guess. I haven't been sleeping that well," I responded looking down at her bindi.
"Why are you having problems? Is there something stressing you out? You are a young girl, you must be relaxed, especially at this time with mock exams next year. You are a very nice girl, and pretty too. You just lose some weight, so you are not so unhealthy. Have you been eating well? What have you been eating?" she paused in her barrage for me to stammer out an answer.
"I-I-I-I don't kno-"
"Adri do not tell me you do not know man. How you must not know what you are eating man? You tell your mother to call me, I need to have a talk with her." She clapped me on the shoulder a few times as she walked me around to the front of her house where thankfully Auntie Nelly sat waiting outside the gate. She sent me on my way with a slight shove and "Remember to exercise!"
(A/N: What's great about this is, I've actually had this conversation countless times with her)
The ride home was uneventful consisting of politely answering questions and completely, wholeheartedly and altogether ignoring Shari's irritating presence; we're not exactly friends because well…..she's a bitch and I'd step in her face if I'm around her any longer. I could pull it off too because she's just that short.
Going through the door (twice because I left the key in the knob), I slid to the floor, peacefully resting against the door beside the steel grill and the lizard carcass far away enough that I didn't turn into a total girl and start screaming. This peace was short-lived as there was soon a foot rubbing my stomach, and me by extension in full wakefulness. I looked down at surprisingly neat toenails and up at blue eyes and a raised eyebrow. "Are you okay?"
Well. Imagine that. It's capable of concern. And while sarcasm tends to ooze from me like Play-Doh or laxative-induced defecation (that was nasty I'm sorry, but the backspace button is so far away), I am unable to produce little more than nonsense after 3 hours of Ms. Malladi, so the only logical response was "NNghahtiomach!?" which in ancient languages may be translated to "Why the fuck is your foot on my stomach!?" I couldn't help it as my head listed lifelessly to the side, eventually colliding to the floor.
"You don't look so good. Are you feeling alright?" I could only look up at shaded blue eyes – is he always wearing that hat? – and grunt:
"Does Demon World have toenail clippers?"
The blank stare I got as I was being dragged off by ankle to some room proved me right and demons shape their toenails on bark. I was dragged, lifted and thrown onto my mother's bed where I lay, half-conscious with my nose pressed into my face which is good because who really needs to breathe when they're trying to pass out from exhaustion? It just gets in the way. Ii heard something that vaguely reminded me of someone speaking. Lifting my head, I bleakly stared at the voice emanating from Kuro's crotch as my head can't move any further to acknowledge the fact he has a face. "Try and get some rest so that you're mentally prepared for when people come tearing through your freezer door." Sound advice, which was immediately followed as I drifted off into the land of chewy chocolate chip cookies, yaoi and soft pillows.
-------------------
The room was dark save for the little illumination provided by the streetlamp, only my hand remained on the bed and there was a crick in my neck. These were the sensations my body experienced as I awoke, choking on the lint in the area rug. Grunting, I lifted myself from the floor and went to the bathroom, purposely ignoring my reflection because I am well aware of how I look when I wake up and I'm in enough pain as it is. Doing all the necessary hygienic acts (because you really don't need the details) I stopped as the silence within the house settled around me.
'Well this is probably bad,' I thought, thoughtfully biting my tongue. 'The house hasn't been this quiet since…ever. It could be one of two things: (1) my mother's house, me included, has been transported to an alternate universe where it's so painfully quiet I can hear the food in my stomach digesting. Oh wait, that's gas and I'm hungry. (2) Kuronue's dead and gone. That one's simple, to the point, although I really wanted to try on the hat.' Shrugging, I made my way to the kitchen where I saw Kuro leaning against the stove/oven in front of the fridge. I couldn't help stopping and staring for, in the short time I had known him, I'd never seen such a serious expression on his face. Feet flat on the floor, hi knees were drawn up near to his chest. His chin rested on folded hands supported by his elbows resting on his knees. He was glowering at the appliance so intensely his eyes were actually glowing and lengthening tendrils of what I can only assume to be demon energy were emanating from his body. I was now acutely aware of the fact that:
'This sumbitch might eat me.'
"You can stop shaking, I'm not going to eat you," he said, breaking the heavy silence as glowing orbs slid in my direction.
"I didn't think tha-"
"I don't need that much trans fat in my system."
I don't think I'll ever know which part of the statement I should focus one: the pare where he calls me fat or the part where he implies he'd eat me if my calorie count was lower. That train of thought derailed quickly as he pat the floor beside him and I, being the weak-willed individual I often am, went over and plopped my ass down beside him. The silence returned to permeate the household for what felt like over 45 seconds; so I'm not always patient. Sue me.
(A/N: seriously though, don't sue me. This fic and my bum lifestyle and some family/friends are about all I have and I am too soft and too cute to go to jail)
"Soooo," I whispered in the silent kitchen, because when you're sitting next to an armed, pissed and seemingly homicidal mythical being, you don't make sudden noises. "Are we going to do anything else or is this all we've got planned for the evening?"
"They're late."
"Who's late?"
"Them." I took a few moments to process what was being said to me before I realized I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about
"Who is them?" I asked in confusion, swatting an energy tendril away from my boob. The confusion seemed to be mutual as Kuro turned and looked at me like I was crazy and/or retarded.
"What do you mean 'who is them'? Them!! Them the agents who are supposed to come here and…and junk. And they're late!!" he concluded in a huff, as he turned back to stare down the fridge door.
"Oh. So why are you upset about that? You want people to come and be watching you every second of every day?"
"Just one in particular," he began, his voice reaching new levels of intensity making the forestry of hairs on my leg (I need to shave okay, so back off) stand at attention. "After you'd left Koenma, said that Kurama was part of this 'Spirit Detective' team." He said the words Spirit Detective with such disdain you'd have thought he was talking about me.
---Flashback sequence-----
"Your old friend and partner, Youko Kurama is one of the Spirit Detectives coming," Koenma said as he disappeared through a portal in my bathroom door, leaving Kuronue to look blinkingly at the place he once stood.
----End Flashback----
"I refuse to believe that someone such as himself would debase himself and become a Spirit Detective, but all the same I need to make sure, so when they arrive I'll be here. Do you understand now?"
Nodding, I turned to have my own stare down with the cabinets beside the fridge before something irksome made its way into my mind. "Why are you speaking in bold?"
"What?" he asked, his face showing his mental disorientation.
"You're speaking in a bold typeface. Why is that even necessary?"
"It's in order to express the emotion in my voice right now," he explained quite matter-of-factly.
"But," I began, my eyebrows emoting the discombobulated state of my mind, "You could easily have done that a number of other ways. Why do you need to resort to using bold every time you speak?"
"Well perhaps it just shows your lack of talent and manipulation as a writer," he said snippily.
"Firstly," I said, rightfully insulted. "Fuck you. Secondly, regardless of any lack of talent or whatever, turn it off, it's starting to get redundant since we aren't even talking about it anymore."
"Fine, miserable bitch," he muttered under his breath as he went about ridding the story of the exorbitant amount of bold type (A/N: Internet thesauruses rule). "Alright, how do I do this again? Ctrl + B. Ah there it is. Are you happy now?"
"Yup, just about came in my pants," I said, as we went back to staring at the food-storing contraption in expectation. A slightly awkward silence descended on the kitchen and, it is most likely by this time, that you the reader have come to realize that this story is an exercise in idiocy. High-five.
"Hey, a question about this story you've got us in…"Kuronue said, turning to me once more. "This isn't one of those Mary-Sue/Girl next door type fantasy things where the girl get the unbelievably sexy guy is it?"
"Nope. Just strictly humourous nonsense under the guise of a plotline."
"Okay, so you and I aren't going to get together or anything?"
I couldn't help the snort of laughter or the snot that came with it. "Of course not. I'm not your type. However, if I do this right, at the end of it, we will have come to an understanding of one another and may call each other 'friend'."
"Okay good," he said the relief evident in his voice until faced with my tight-lipped expression and raised eyebrow. Do not underestimate the power of a raised eyebrow. "Don't get me wrong," he said hurriedly. "You're not…bad-looking-"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Yes ma'am."
This part of the story –sitting in silence and not doing much- is starting to drag on a bit so I'm making an executive decision to start some shit now.
"You hungry?" Kuro asked, in an attempt to make peace. "There's still some of that steak left if you - " was all he managed to get out before the door of the oven he was leaning on slammed open, forcing his face between his legs, his nose crushed to the floor. Yes people, it looked like he was trying to give himself a blowjob. Ignoring the muffled screams of "Motherfucker, get off of me!!", I looked into the oven as a leg encased in black fabric emerged from the darkness of the oven. A knee and what could possibly be the hem of a skirt came into view and, with some grunts of exertion, muffled curses and utterly dumbfounded staring on my part, the rest of the 4 feet 10 inches of Hiei emerged from my fucking oven. Standing on the door, he looked around surveying the new environment before his search came to rest on the sweating and wide-eyed teenage girl sitting on the floor, failing to notice the two legs protruding from under his 'podium'.
"You. Woman," he said, politely addressing me as any young man should to any young lady. He really does have a way with women. "Who are you and where is this?"
"Um." Well what would you say? It took a few moments and one good slap before I could answer again. "Well…you're in my kitchen in my house. I live here, although when you ask something like 'who are you that's really more of a philosophical question and I don't think I'm equipped to answer -" A sudden explosion from the sink drain drew my attention, Hiei's caution and Kuronue's freedom as Hiei, jumped from the oven door into a defensive stance allowing Kuro to stand to the acoustics of many popping joints. All of us turned in apprehension to face the sink. The sink's metal creaked and bent as forces unforeseen influenced the structure of the sink. In a single instant, the sink's metal plug shot out and crashed into the glass of the wall cabinets as an unidentified brown lump poked out of the swirling, crackling mass that was once my drain.
Get your minds out of the gutter.
In what sounded like a grunt of frustration – because who really knows when it comes to this particular demon- Hiei moved forward, grabbed and yanked the protruding lump, further drawing a kimono-clad and oar-wielding Botan from my sink, the metal exploding out around her as she emerged covered in what is most likely onion skins and limp ramen noodles.
From there things moved very quickly. Drowning Botan's cries of "Ewww!!" as she plucked off the matter in her hair, loud thumps and yells were heard from inside the freezer in the unmistakable voice of the three worlds' resident bad-ass Yusuke Urameshi. "Oi! Botan, if you're out there, now would be a really good time to help out because I can feel my sperm freezing their asses off!"
"Ey, Urameshi, what the hell is going on?" came the voice of Kuwabara from what I can only guess would be my drying machine.
"Fuck if I know but I'm blasting my way out of here!" it would have been at this time that most person would be politely asking the fictional character humping their frozen pizza to please not blow a giant hole in the fridge, because that would suck. Immensely. But as I am the kind of person that just sits and watches, I watched as my freezer door obtained a sparkly new asshole and then further imploded as it forcefully detached from its hinges. Might I add that there is a wall barely 3 feet away, so as the door left the appliance and the familiar gelled hair appeared from the opening, the door bounced off the wall, colliding with the greasy head. Luckily for the door, Yusuke has a tough head; well maybe not so much the door. Maybe not so much anybody. Who really wins in a situation like this?
"Bingo," Botan said quietly to the soundtrack of Kuwabara's raucously laughing head sticking out of the dryer opening. "So just about everybody's here…"
"If by everybody you're including the idiotic detective and the bumbling boor then yes, but you're forgetting Kurama," Hiei said as the aforementioned detective removed himself from the portal he fell back into and Kuwabara struggled with the dryer; he has really broad shoulders. At the mention of his old boyfriend's name, Kuronue's brain seemed to function once again as he was suddenly very close to Hiei's face.
"Kurama? You said Kurama didn't you?! Well where is he?!" Kuro demanded receiving only a blank stare from the smaller demon.
"Well he should be here by now," Botan said, looking around the kitchen/wash area worriedly. "Perhaps he got lost in the portal." At the sound of Botan's voice, Kuro's attention quickly shifted. Looking Botan up and down, he sauntered over and draped an arm over her shoulders, much to her embarrassment if her flushed cheeks were any indication.
(A/N: before I continue, you should know how hard it is for me to write this next piece of dialogue because I couldn't stop twitching with laughter.)
"You," he began, clasping her hand in his. "Are my very reason for living (even though he was dead). You are the very breath that I take and might I say, I've never felt the need to respect one woman so much."
It is at this point that everyone in the room, besides the pair, had the same exact thought: 'What…in the fuck?'
"R-really?" Botan managed to stammer, her face barely a shade away from ketchup.
Nodding emphatically, he continued, "In fact, I can honestly say, that the only time I'd kick you of bed would be to fuck your brains out on the floor." To which Botan justifiably swung her oar into Kuro's head and sent him colliding into the neighboring wall. "You pervert!"
"Okay you're right, that was a bit much," Kuro said from where he sat bleeding on the floor. "But allow me to make it up to you: I mean I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock," he said winking before Botan assault him with the oar.
'This is the demon we're supposed to watching? He's only a danger to himself?' Yusuke thought as we watched the proceedings before turning to drag Kuwabara out of the dryer.
'Dumbass' was the most predominant thought in Hiei's mind, and perhaps some disappointment; partner and notorious in his own right, Kuronue was just proving himself to be a lecherous jackass.
"You'll never change will you Kuro?" came the voice of the last team member. And suddenly, the room was filled with tens of thousands of bubbles and the unmistakable scent of roses drawing everyone's attention, particularly the bat-demon who removed himself from Botan's violent administrations to locate the source o the voice. More and more bubbles filled the room until Yusuke had the presence of mind to open the washing machine as a bubble engulfed Kurama, bright red hair and all gracefully removed himself from the appliance and stood before Kuronue. Kurama looked nothing but…happy. Kuro on the other hand-
"Who the fuck is this guy?" he said turning to look at Botan obviously dissatisfied, not noticing the thinly veiled shock and hurt on Kurama's face.
"Kuro," he began, moving closer. "It's me. Kurama."
"Well Kurama was pretty yes, but he wasn't a little bitch boy like you."
The aura in the room changed considerably then as the dying daffodil conveniently on the counter regained new life as thorn-bearing vines spread from the stem and surrounded Kuro's lower body; flecks of gold stained his irises as streaks of white permeated the tomato concentrate hair colour. "I thought I told you never to call me that."
'Not this bold typeface shit again,' I thought, the only brain process I'd had since the destruction of my kitchen began. Somewhat intimidated, Kuro tried to play it cool.
"Well anybody with a basic understanding of plants can do that with a little spirit energy," he said, his voice cracking as one thorn-bearing tendril snaked it's way up his thigh. "You're going to have to do more than that to prove your Youko."
"You caught a venerable disease from a 10 year old that made your penis shrink to the width of a needle and begged me crying to fix it."
"She looked 30!!" he said, clearly insulted. And that doesn't prove anything; that could have happened to anybody."
"You have a scar under your left ass cheek from when that hooker and her clan tried to sacrifice you in a ritual to their High One."
"Oh Youko it is you," Kuronue said, positively weeping in happiness as he jumped from the heap of vines and into Kurama's arms like a bride being carried over the threshold. Throwing his arms around his neck, he proceeded to shower Kurama with loud smacks on both cheeks, rubbing both their faces against each other. "I knew it was you all along!!"
"Uh-huh."
"I'm so glad you're here!!" he said tearfully into the fox's neck. "I've been floating around in limbo this whole time, only hearing snippets about you and then I'd heard you'd died and something about this pregnant woman and now you're with these humans and it's true but I know the real you and I'm here now so it's all better. Come," he said, lifting his head and setting eyes wet with emotion on emerald ones. "Let us destroy these humans here and continue on in this country for a few nights of debauchery and plundering the moist corridors of this territories female specimen."
"Including the human girl who's taken care of you until this point?"
"Hm? Oh that one?" Kuro said looking over at me with such contempt my fingernails started feeling self-conscious. "Eh, just leave her here," he said before Kurama dropped him on the tile with a resounding 'thud'. He walked over and squat down in front of me.
"Miss? May I ask why you're crying?" he asked as he had every right to since I'd been crying nonstop once Yusuke made his entrance. Well what the fuck would you be doing? Anime characters destroying my house, I'm torn between happiness and utter desolation for soul because my mother has to come home and we have sharp knives in the house. So how do I respond to that question without bringing more attention to myself that the bawling already did? How do I answer without mentioning this is just something I, along with possibly millions of other people worldwide have been daydreaming about in the back of physics class and how much I love all of these people, except for Kuro? I said the closest thing I could, with my face wet and hiccupping:
"I'm just so happy."
However attention was quickly diverted from me as Yusuke, in an effort to get Kuwabara out of the dryer, accidentally turned the switch sending power to the unit turning the dryer on. Much screaming ensued as all watched as Kuwabara went around and around and around, his head and neck bouncing off the lint trap.
I couldn't help thinking to myself as I looked to the heavens, 'What did I do to you?'
------------------THE NEXT DAY/SUNDAY MORNING---
Not much else happened after that; some talking, Koenma made an appearance and formal introductions and explanations were given including what the fuck was going to be done about the damage to my home and my mental state. The house they'd fix. My mentality………well basically, I'm on my own. So here I am in the house alone as Kuro had to go off and do something, sitting on my mother's bed, watching the History Channel upside down. Well, alone save for the 50-odd ogres running around in my kitchen fixing holes and damages of all sorts. They'd been working through the day and I'd hardly noticed except for one incident; you ever walk in one somebody –anybody, family member, stranger, whatever- taking a power dump? I mean like legs spread apart, arms braced, teeth clenched and groaning as sweat streams down their face and they're groaning like a pregnant woman in labor? Fucking horrible right? Especially if it smells, right? Well picture all of that except with a blue horned loincloth-wearing ogre turning purple from the effort? Sigh.
So they replaced the toilet before they left.
And eventually evening came and my mother retuned home to a clean and fully functional home. The reunion was just getting underway when there was a knock. Opening the door, I was faced with the most horrific site in the world: Kuronue and adult Koenma in a business suit. Alright, it's not that bad; in fact if neither of them was responsible for several migraines I'd had this weekend I'd freely admit how downright attractive the pair were. Well, kinda; Koenma still had his binky.
"Hello, good evening, is Ms. Escoffery home?" Koenma said smoothly around his pacifier.
"I-bu…you…how…NO." I said looking from Koenma to a smirking Kuronue.
"Munchi, who's at the door?!" called my mother.
"Nobody!! Just dead people!!" I managed to say before she appeared behind me and they stepped inside. And somehow, someway, in the deep, wide universe, all four of us ended up at the dining room table. Weeeeeeell fuck.
"Ma'am as you were made aware some time ago, you will be hosting one of several students transferring from Japan to take part in a cultural immersion and foreign education program," Koenma began. "However, due to unforeseen circumstance, the female candidates dropped out of the program and had to be immediately replaced or else the school's risked losing the funding. And so, your new host student is him, Kuronue," Koenma concluded, gesturing to Kuro who smiled charmingly.
'Ha. These guys obviously don't know my mother,' I thought, smiling to myself. 'She's not going to be swayed by some bullshit story and a cheap smile. They're going to have to try harder than - '
"I'd be happy to take him in."
'What in the sideways doggy-fuck position is going on?' I looked over at my mother and almost slid sideways out of my chair. She was…giggling, looking between the two of them as if the libido that they took out along with her womb had suddenly regenerated. And it's just disgusting. I looked over at Kuro, a wide victorious smile spread over his features. I sat in utter shock, staring at the condensation on my glass as plans were made for Kuro to move in right then, effectively commandeering my brother's room and raping me of my freedom as I'd be back in my mother's room. My mother's giggling, Kuro's charming bullshit and Koenma's polite banter – I could feel the tumor growing. Eventually my mother went off to do something I don't want to let my imagination dwell on and I was left at the table with the two of them. In an act of submission to their superior might of fucking my life up, I let my fall to the table with a solid thunk.
"What about the rest of them?" I asked, speaking to make sure I remembered how.
"The other team members are currently living with some of your friends. It's easier to contain the sphere of knowledge of another world, especially a fictional world, to one group of people, so specific member of your lunch group have now become host families," Koenma explained when I'd grunted in confusion.
"You said they're on some study abroad program right?" I asked looking at him from one eye.
"Yes, that's right. They're going to start attending your school as of tomorrow. This is, of course a cover they must uphold while portals are developed that can return them to our realm. Luckily for me, I can decrease my power low enough that I don't have to stay here and sweat in this hellhole!" he said laughing loudly, the pacifier floating in mid-air.
"Right. Well, that's all very ingenious and junk but I go to an all-girls school," I said, ignoring Kuro's vaguely whispered "aaaaaaaaawesoooooome".
"Well, after some persuasion, you're school is becoming integrated, so there'll be other male students there besides the 'exchange students'."
I was dumbfounded, for what felt like the 5th time this chapter. I sat there with the heat pressing in around me thinking, hoping that it won't get any worse. (A/N: Even though it probably will) I stayed that way, until my mother returned and small details were ironed out. I remained there with my forehead on the table long after Kuro had moved in and eaten dinner. I stayed there, with the sweat from my forehead pooling on the table and my mother sliding a coaster under my face so I didn't leave a watermark, until I started to smell myself and that's never a good sign. So admitting defeat for now, I showered and went about preparing for school tomorrow. I stood in front of my open bag, consulting my timetable for books I'd carry but wouldn't use, when Kuronue came into the room wearing his new uniform.
"So what do you think?" he asked standing in front of me. The uniform was simple because I'm lazy and not too imaginative right now: khaki pants, white shirt, blue tie and a school badge.
"You look…huh," I said.
"'Huh'? That's the closest you can get to a compliment?" he said, sitting down on the bed and looking up at me.
"You look fine," I said, determined not to look at me. We've all seen pictures people so you know damn well he's the epitome of sexy, regardless of clothes.
"You're damn right I look fine!! And in lieu of you complimenting me I suggest a truce."
"Wouldn't the consist of you complimenting me first?" I asked, looking at him as I searched under the bed for a calculator.
"Tch, details," he said, waving my comment away like a small insect as he stretched out across the bed, peering down into the top of my head. "We're housemates now and there's no sense in always fighting especially since I'm going to win, so we might as well try to get along with each other."
I looked up at clear blue eyes and an eager and happy expression. "That……kind of makes sense," I conceded, scratching the side of my face with the stapler I'd just found.
"Of course it does, it was my idea after all!! So let's shake on it! Friends!" he said, extending his right hand until I could smell chicken from dinner on his fingers. You have no idea how close I was to stapling his hand but that would just cause more problems. In any case I'd rather have a batshit crazy bat-demon thief on my side than against. So I shook his hand and that was that. "Good! Now I have to go get my beauty rest. Night porker," he said, bouncing off the bed and patting my head.
'So close.'
End Chapter 5.
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18 pages!! Whoot!! Congrats if you stuck it out!! If you didn't well who cares you'll never see this anyways.
Please review: praises, constructive criticism, flames, anything, I just really like seeing the number go up.