Title: The Theory
Summary: 'I am being stalked by anime characters.' The story of a slightly deluded high-school girl who is thought crazy by all except her equally jaded friends. But what happens when she gets proof?
I've no idea how long it's been since I've updated; I'm kind of afraid to check actually but I can only thank those of you out there that have been patiently (or maybe not so patiently) waiting for this. So wipe the dust off your alerts, get comfortable because the madness has returned! It's a new fictional term and we're going to bring in some bad-ass new characters, some strange scenarios and loads of sexual deviancy. So welcome, one and all, old and new, to THE THEORY.
Also, special thanks to the review from ShadowYashi which somehow got my ass in gear. Thanks bunches.
Rated for lots of creative cursing and possible scenarios.
I own my afro.
Chapter 9 – Fan Club
It was January. The New Year came bright and early to the cast of this fic and all involved were reveled in the refreshing cool breeze that the winter winds from the north had brought. It was the weekend before we all finally returned to what would be a coeducational Immaculate Conception High School. All were a flutter, either with the prospects of getting a boyfriend, or at the load of homework that they had left undone over the Christmas holidays. Somehow, using my awesome authoress powers, I was not in either of those categories. Instead I found myself wasting away those last few days of unstructured freedom, waking when I wanted, seeing if I could beat Kuronue in a 'not showering' contest (no one wins in those contests) and having my fill of RPG's, brown sugar cinnamon poptarts, colon cleansing tablets and acne wash; because nothing says constipation and breakouts like the holidays. It was in the hopes of getting some fruit (no, not strawberry poptarts) that I found myself in my remodeled kitchen, staring blankly at Yomi's head wriggling uncomfortably out of my toaster oven. So I did what any normal and rational person in this situation would have done.
I took the vacuum cleaner and gently proceeded to ram him back into the appliance. Ignoring the shouts from the disembodied head of the blind man – well it was probably attached to a body but I wasn't interested in letting the rest come from my toaster oven – I continued to stab vigorously at the head until I could shut the glass door and push the lever, cooking Yomi's head on High for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown.
Serves 6.
I stood there sighing in some relief that I'd prevented yet another anime character from invading my life. Don't get me wrong, I love anime as much as the next person but they're really inconvenient to real life; like you haven't found yourself watching anime for hours on end and then you find you've left the stove on, or the cat in the dryer or your kid sister playing with the radioactive radium. Yeah, exactly. Anyways, I would've stayed there watching one side of the ex-Makai King's head toast – my toaster didn't come with a fancy rotisserie setting since, I dunno, it's a fucking toaster – if Kuronue hadn't come to investigate the delicious aroma of meat. With one swift motion, he'd lowered the oven lid, yanked Yomi out of the toaster and prevented me from dousing him in cooking sherry and lighting him afire.
"What the hell's the matter with you?" Kuronue exclaimed as he held Yomi over the sink to cool his face.
"Nothing," I said calmly. "Why? Did something happen?"
"'Did something happen?'" Yomi burbled from beneath the water's steady stream. "'Did something happen?' Does this not look as if something has occurred?" he roared turning to face me, half his face vivid with anger the other half closely resembling the makings of a grilled cheese sandwich.
"Looks like lunch." Well apparently that was the wrong thing to say as Yomi immediately lunged after me just barely restrained by Kuronue.
"Whoa there big guy, no need to try and kill her. See she's just a sad little human girl. Doesn't know what she's saying," Kuronue said trying to pacify the irate demon king. Hardly concerned for my neck, I found myself thinking 'All I wanted was a damn poptart.'
An hour and a half had passed before Koenma and Botan presented themselves from the ice dispenser to explain Yomi's presence.
"He's the school's new tennis teacher."
"What?" Kuronue and I chimed in disbelief.
"You heard me," Koenma said, bouncing in his diaper.
"But he's…blind," I said, too stunned to take in the situation. By this time Kuronue was incapacitated by his laughter.
"I will have you know that I was quite skilled at such types of games as a youth," Yomi remarked smoothly, removing the golden brown crisp of his face. An image of baby Yomi using a stick to bounce skulls at adoring and cooing parents flashed across everyone's vision.
"Well that's just adorable," Kuronue said, having recovered from his laughing fit.
"Yes, cute as long it's not staying here. It's not staying here is it?" I asked urgently, turning to face the Spirit World duo.
"Heavens no!" Botan exclaimed. "He'll be living with Karasu."
"And where, pray tell, does Karasu live?"
"Only pixie knows where!" Botan chirped happily leaving everyone wondering about the oxygen levels in Spirit World. (a/n: credit to Washio the Space Demon for that line). And with that, Botan, Koenma and Yomi went off to find pixie and wherever it might be keeping Karasu leaving Kuronue and I alone at the dining table.
"So called your girlfriend since last year?" I asked.
"Dammit, there you go ruining the mood!" he exclaimed in annoyance.
"Well if you call asking about your girlfriend 'ruining the mood' then I apologize. I wish you the best of luck when you see her on Monday," I said, getting to go get some fruit. Okay, a fruity poptart.
"NO!" he yelled grabbing on to arm and staring intensely up into my face. "I need help! Please! She keeps calling! There've been strange messages on my cell phone. At the Christmas party I could feel her eyes following me and when I turned around to try and talk to her she was emitting this aura of inevitable doom! Or herpes. Whichever. But I told Kurama and all he does is laugh at me so please! We both know I wouldn't be asking you if I had another choice!"
"Glad to see you have such a high opinion of me," I said dryly. I would have kept trying to pry the demon off me with the cleaver had it not been for the pathetically begging face staring at me. "Fine!" I said, dropping the blade into the sink. "But you have to do exactly as I say, do you understand?"
"Yes of course," Kuronue said, nodding vigorously. And so we sat, contemplating and plotting how we would save his genitals from eternal castration. Damnation. Whatever.
And so the rest of the weekend slipped away from us all with the rapidity that can only be attributed to the end of holidays leaving the assorted members of the story in newly assigned homerooms. The school compound was filled with the voices of thousands of students chattering, running screaming down corridors to meet friends and the confused grumblings of those trying to find their new homerooms. Our cast of miscreants had quickly and easily located their homerooms and was now lined up along the railings in the hallway watching the meat –fresh and returning- scamper around. Aisha, Tedi and Zahra watched the parade of newly introduced young men into the previously all-femme student population, marveling at their prowess to help them birth babies or whatever it is hormonally driven teenager found themselves doing while those with less self-control stalked them from place to place. I, along with Kathryna and Chantal found myself involved in an in-depth conversation about DramaCon (wonderful manga by Svetlana Chmakova; check her and her works out), not the least bit affected by Kuronue's visual feasting on the female students. This was not lost on Aisha who sent a glare of such power in his direction that, if he were a lesser demon, would have shriveled his genitals into powder. But since he was just a lesser man, all he did was cower and look the other way, adding immense humour to Kurama's day.
"Relationship trouble?" the fox asked, his 'compassion' being met with a scathing glance. However, the bat demon's stare lost its ferocity once reminded of his current dilemma. His head fell to his hands as he sunk to ground and related to his oldest friend his troubles.
"I don't know what to do Red," He said with a heavy sigh. "It's like she loves me or something. I mean we haven't even had sex; what does she expect from me?"
"Hmmm," Kurama intoned thoughtfully. "I can't remember the last time someone called me Red."
"Is that really the issue right now?" Kuronue exclaimed, his flaming annoyance adding to Kurama's hilarity.
"My apologies. The biggest mistake you made," he said, returning to the problem at hand, "Was treating her like you did Makai women."
"You mean human girls don't like being teased and pulled along before I take advantage of them and then run off to unknown lands without even leaving a post-it note?"(I'm sure Makai has an Office Depot) Kuronue asked, looking up at Kurama with an endearingly pathetic face. You know those faces where you feel sorry for the person but at the same time you want to just punch them in the face? Yeah. One of those.
"Yes, human girls tend to want respect in their relationships. Actually demon girls do as well but we were too busy being awesome to pay much attention really."
"Oh. Well. Hmmm. So can I just break up with her because this respect thing seems like a lot of work…"
Kurama's answer was drowned out by the loud clamor of the school bell, corralling the students to the large school patio where they would convene for the first assembly of the new school term. Being January, the typically oppressive heat of the Jamaican climate was gone for a while, and the day had dawned cool and breezy, the sun's warmth comfortable on the back of our necks. I found myself seated between Kurama and Kuwabara while Kuronue had taken up residence beside Yusuke and Chantal who were engaged in an intense rock, paper, scissors games. Seriously. There were sparks flying off them. Aisha, popular child as she was, had wandered off to greet other friends and was nowhere to be found. Kathryna stood off to the side of the stage having played with the school's chamber orchestra to welcome back the school. The principal now took the stage, mic in hand, and addressed her loyal subjects. Slaves. Students. Whichever.
"Welcome back for a new school term!" Sister Margaret Young exclaimed into the mic. "I'm sure you're all excited to be here after what I hope was a very happy and fulfilling Christmas and New Year's holiday. We have some new additions to the school this year: we have officially become a coeducational institution." This comment resulted in the release of pheromones in the patio as some of the girls turned to eye-fuck their prey. "We also have some new additions to the staff, if I may introduce Mr. Yummy?" she said, hesitating over the pronunciation. "Yummers? Yom Kippur? Om Nom Nom? Hmm…Mr. Yummy it is! Well, Mr. Yummy is going to be the new P.E. teacher and tennis coach for his stay here as our previous coach had an unfortunate S&M incident. Just to show you kids; always know your safety words." (Please remember this is a Catholic school, this woman is a nun and I may go to hell for this…) "Mr. Yummy if you could please come out here and say a few words to the students."
The students looked on in awe as the tall, stoic figure of their new teacher walked onstage and took the mic to properly introduce himself.
"Good morning students. My name is Yomi and I shall be your new physical education teacher. I can see some of my old acquaintances are here judging from the loud yelling taking place in the assembly. Hello Yusuke, it's good to see you again. Kurama, looking well I see."
Indeed, the group was quite astonished to see Yomi there and even more appalled by the author's shameful joking about Yomi seeing people; I still think it's hilarious. Yusuke had gotten up and was pointing and rambling loudly while Hiei acknowledged his arrival with a brief widening of his eyes. Kurama, for all intents and purposes, was beyond stunned and stared slack-jawed up at his former colleague; both Kuronue and Kuwabara stared in confusion at this newcomer.
"Who's he to you? What relationship do you two have" Kuronue pestered the still stunned redhead like a jealous housewife.
"Oh he…he was before your time," Kurama replied, dismissing the topic altogether.
"The fuck are you doing here?" Yusuke exclaimed loudly. "The fuck is he doing here?" he yelled, turning to look at me, his finger all the while pointing at the once demon king.
I shrugged and mumbled something about 'toaster oven'. It was way too early in the morning for me to be trying to explain my household appliances.
Yomi spoke again, drawing attention back to the stage and he and his 6 ears and horned head which nobody bothers to question for some reason. "I look forward to our upcoming school term together. Thank you." There were a few other announcements – 'new chemistry teacher who won't rape the students, lunch prices have been raised, don't pet the giant rats, etc' – and soon enough, assembly was over and we were off to get our supplies and bumble about to find our classes.
This would be the part where I write about how fantastically amazing the first day of classes were, but in fact they were quite ordinary, with class introductions and going over what would be done for the rest of the school year. Lunchtime came and passed quickly with nothing worth noting occurring. Well Yusuke almost got attacked by a rat the size of a cat (a crat if you will) and flipped a shit, but that's just high school for you. Afternoon classes were equally boring and the group had a severe case of 'the Mondays' that is, complete apathy for the entire day and they were all severely overjoyed when the last class had finished and they shuffled back to their holding cells/homerooms. Well except Hiei who is only severely overjoyed about being able to eat ice cream while Kuwabara is flame broiled over a spit which has yet to happen, much to the koorime's chagrin.
Kuronue was intensely checking his class locker and so had not heard anyone walking up behind him. "What are all these papers in here?" he thought to himself. "It's the first day and already I'm being annoyed with club flyers. What's this, 'The Official Fan Club for-"
"What are you doing?"
Kuronue spun around violently, his back slamming against his locker sending the multitude of papers rushing into the air. He quickly snatched them from the air as he faced Aisha. "Oh hey you," he said with an uncharacteristic nervous giggle. "What's up?"
"Listen I think we should break up."
It took the bat demon sometime to hear her words and realize she was trying to break up with him, because obviously those words had some other meaning.
"Um…whut?" he asked stupidly.
"Yeah you know I just don't think it's working out between us," she said, twirling a lock of hair around her forefinger and she scoped out the other boys in the room. "I need someone to respect me, and pay attention to me all the time and call me every day and buy me stuff."
"So…you want a bitch?" Kuronue asked, his voice laced with disbelief.
"Yeah and you're just not willing to go the extra mile for our relationship like I have been."
"Uh-huh…"
"So, that's it," she concluded with a note of finality, finally looking away from the boys in the class to face him. "I mean we had fun, I guess but I think we should each pursue greener pastures."
"If your cunt weren't so green we might've worked out better."
"Excuse me?"
The words left his mouth before he could help himself and he'd hoped that she hadn't heard him but the enrage look on the woman's face and the laughter rippling through those who'd been eavesdropping told him otherwise. "Might as well keep going," he thought. "This can't possibly get any worse." Obviously he doesn't realize who's writing this because it can always get worse with me.
"Yeah. Green. And not just the smell either. I mean there was no point in you pretending you were some sort of innocent the whole time you were together; all you are is a tease and not a very good one at that because it's not like you even know what you're doing." Kuronue is quite clearly a stand-up guy when he feels offended. "So yeah you're right it's probably for the best that we break up. 'Greener pastures' and all that." No one was the least bit surprised when she slapped him and stormed out of the class, returning shamefaced to her own homeroom. Kuronue turned to face the approving male population of the classroom and the reproachful glances of the girls who weren't focusing on the fact that he was now single again. It was one of the latter females that he sidled up to, his face still red and steaming from the slap, and started plying his charm. "How you doin'?"
Afternoon announcements were read and finally we were free to leave. Hiei was moving quickly away from the group, heading towards the basement.
"Hey Hiei, where are you going off to?" Chantal asked.
"Not to your stupid party for stupid people if that's what you're asking!" Hiei exclaimed. (1)
"What…the fuck?" Yusuke asked because obviously his only role in this chapter is to say fuck and to say it well.
"Maybe it's just one of those short people things," Kuwabara commented, effectively pissing off every short person everywhere.
"Oh that reminds me I have some meeting to go to so I'm walking home today," Kuronue said turning to me.
"What meeting could you have on the first day back?" Kathryna asked.
"Some club or something. I'm not sure what it's about but the font looked cool so I might as well check it out."(which is how all great decisions are made really) And with that he turned and walked off in the same direction as Hiei. Kurama felt a strange emotion make its presence known as he watched both one close friend walk off and then the other. He quickly pushed the thought to the back of his consciousness where Youko lay napping like a cute little furry and went on about the rest of the day.
-Elsewhere!-
Kuronue entered the room as specified on the flyer – one of the basement science labs that the school typically reserved for upperclassmen- and was surprised by the people gathered in the room. Seated on the lab stools in a circle were Yomi, Karasu (having returned from pixie knows where) and Hiei. Scrawled on the board in bright red dry erase marker was "The Official Fan-Club for the Redheaded Fox". Before he could back out of the room, slowly in case any sudden movements caught their attention, Yomi appeared (because he does that) in front of him and clasped a hand on his shoulder steering him into the room and onto a stool.
"It's good to see you Kuronue," he said warmly, looking at the bat demon friendly. "I'm glad you could make it."
"Uh-huh…" he replied, very confused about his current situation. "So this is a fan club?"
"Yes."
"For Kurama?"
"Yes."
"And it's made up of four guys?"
"Yes."
"Yeah…I'm gonna have to rule 'gay' on this one."
Yomi and Hiei visibly bristled at this insinuation of their sexual preferences; Karasu on the other hand…well there was never really any doubt about which team he was batting for, whose poles he was cleaning, etc. "This is not a fan club in the sense of worshipping Kurama," Yomi said, explaining the group's purpose. "Rather, it is to serve the purpose of bringing together those who have been closest to him and promote camaraderie amongst ourselves."
"Right…" Kuronue said slowly, still very unconvinced he wasn't going to get surprise buttsecks-ed. Turning to an obviously annoyed Hiei he asked, "And how did you end up here?"
"I was told there would be ice cream," he said with a huff.
"Okay. Well I'm not entirely sure what kind of friendship you expect to build here since none of us have anything in common."
"That is where you are wrong," Yomi said. Pulling a small remote form his sleeve, he pressed a button lowering a screen and projector from the ceiling. The projector depicted a slideshow filled with many charts to conveniently show Kuronue just how wrong he was. Karasu threw a well-aimed bomb at the light switch, plunging the room into darkness. Using an extendable pointer, Yomi proceeded to reference the slides.
"Here you will see some of the physical characteristics that we all share. 1. Each of is tall. 2. Each of us has long black hair that gently sways in the wind. 3. Each of us has been injured as a result of or by some association with the fox. 4. At least one of us would like to sexually violate the fox."
As each of these was being listed, Hiei was growing visibly more agitated. It didn't help when Kuronue decided to start whistling 'one of these things is not like the other' at which point the screen promptly burst into flames; however, the projector's charts could still be seen on the whiteboard.
"Ahem, well obviously Hiei you are the inverse of most of these things," he said and proceeded to list Hiei's shortcomings (lol punny). "1. You are short. 2. Your hair grows upwards into a point and does not sway, nor bend, nor move," he said, deigning to poke it with the pointer. He was a Makai King. He's allowed such privileges. "3. You actually stabbed Kurama through the chest."
"What? When was this?" Kuronue asked, outraged and in disbelief that his friend had been wounded by a flaming chipmunk.
"Hn. It was a long time ago and I was trying to protect something I'd stolen," Hiei said.
"And what about the sexually violate one?" Kuronue asked, sincerely hoping that the fire apparition would side with him and Yomi somewhere far, far, far away from Karasu's explosive touch.
"…I didn't know there was grain alcohol in the ice cream."
"Oh. My. God." Yomi and Kuronue both sat staring at the little demon, unable to move when Karasu moved in front of Hiei, lowering his face so he could look the triclops in two of his eyes.
"How was he? Did he writhe and squeal as much as you thought he would?" he asked, severely violating Hiei's comfort zone as he leaned closer with each question.
"You got drunk and fucked my friend!" Kuronue said, finally snapping from his reverie. "You got drunk! Off of ice cream! And fucked my partner! In the ass!" It's not every day you get to hear someone yell that and if it is, I would like to be friends with you.
"Well he couldn't possibly have stuck it in his eye," Karasu said. "That's just stupid."
"We did not have sex!" Hiei exclaimed, fire brimming in his eyes at the terrible (but still quite wonderful) misunderstanding he'd created for himself. "I might've just felt him up, I…I don't need to explain myself to the likes of you," he said, sitting back down with a huff. "In any case I'm not interested in the fox like that."
"Why not?" the other three club members intoned. They all looked at each other as if seeing each other for the first time.
"Well I know why I want the boy but what about you two?" Karasu asked, making the silence even more awkward. His and Hiei's intent looks didn't help the situation either.
"Um, well," Kuro awkwardly began. "It's not like he's ugly or anything. And I suppose if there was no one else around and nothing on TV or whatever…" he said his voice trailing off.
"I too agree that he is not unattractive," Yomi said, bending and breaking his pointer into many halves. "After all I have a son so I've no need of women anymore not that I'd give them up! But I'm not saying that given the right conditions an exception couldn't be made…"
silence filled the dark room as they several thoughts, some of them quite raunchy, crossed their minds. Somewhere, a fox sneezed, his ass cheeks tightening and felt a deep sense of foreboding.
End Chapter 9.
That line was from YYH Poltergeist Report Abridged by Lanipator. Good stuff. Go watch it.
Well folks that's it. My return to this story and you faithful awesome people. I'm still alive and this is what I give you in thanks for waiting for me. I know I'm a terrible person. Anyhoo, please be so kind as to leave your reviews and I'll try to let less than a year go by before the next chapter.
P.S. Maybe I should make a spin-off of the Fan Club and make a different fic? I have a feeling I'd end up turning it into yaoi. Also, did you catch all of the sight related jokes about Yomi seeing? I'm such a cornball but they were cracking me up.