If I could just have one last dance with you...
Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.
Warnings: Slash, some strong language, homophobia and in this chapter, a minor drug reference and minor mentions of alcohol abuse and child abuse.
Okay, sorry for the long wait people, I've been busy working on another ongoing story idea for QAF that I hope to get started soon x So, chapter 8! Hope you enjoy and thank you for all of the people who have stuck with me so far and are continuing to read after my cruel chapter seven. Reviews much appreciated x
Chapter 8: Let you fall away
Brian opened the loft door at 8 0' clock in the morning, head still pounding slightly from his and Mikey's drinking game the previous night. When he closed the loft door, however, the first thing he saw was Sunshine, sat on the sofa with his arms crossed.
"You're back." Said Brian, quite aware that he was stating the obvious, he was just glad to see his Sunshine again. It had been too long.
Justin looked up at Brian. "Where have you been?" He abruptly asked his lover, and Brian couldn't miss the steely glare in Justin's usually soft eyes.
A little shocked, Brian walked deeper into the loft. "I...was with Michael," he said, "I ended up going to the Comic Convention after the trial, I stayed the night at his because I couldn't face coming home to an empty bed." Brian was a little shocked at how easily it had been for him to admit that, especially to Sunshine. Brian had to keep reminding himself that he had someone managed to turn into a giant ball of fluff, the weirdest part was that he didn't feel any different. Well, he certainly felt happier, and less alone.
"Oh," said Justin, losing some of the fire in his eyes, he looked down at the floor.
Brian looked tentatively at Justin. "did...err...Did Daphne tell you..."
"She did." Justin replied, suddenly very icy again.
"Justin," began Brian calmly, "why are you so angry?"
"BECAUSE CHRIS FUCKING HOBBS GOT OFF!" Justin shouted, losing his temper in a fraction of a second.
Brian, completely taken aback, slowly walked over to Sunshine and sat down next to him on the sofa.
"What happened..." he began, "that wasn't right, but it still happened."
Justin sighed.
"All you should do now is concentrate moving on," Brian continued, "and concentrate on starting art college next week."
"Yeah." Justin agreed softly, he knew Brian was right.
Brian began stroking Justin's hair softly. "So, how was your night with your mother?"
"Not much fun without you." Justin admitted softly. He then put his arm around Brian's neck and stared deeply into his eyes. "But you're here now." He finished off, and kissed Brian with all the passion that he had.
Brian could immediately feel the desperation behind Justin's kiss, but decided it would be better of he didn't question it.
...
Justin was stood in the art classroom, he was staring intently at the model he was drawing and concentrating on his picture. He wasn't doing to badly, and his body was filled with an indescribable high that he could finally hold a pencil to paper again.
But then, without warning, Justin's whole hand began to shake and convulse and he had to fight to keep his pencil in his hand.
"Justin..." Came a voice from behind him, Justin turned to see his art teacher staring intently at him. Justin quickly stretched out his hand until it stopped shaking.
"Are you okay?" His art teacher asked.
"Of course I am." Said Justin, technically he was only half-lying, and he continued to draw, trying with all his might to ignore the throbbing pain in his hand.
...
Justin sat alone in the art classroom after everyone had gone home, he was prodding carefully at his hand. Confused by the way it would twitch without Justin's permission.
Justin looked up as he saw the head professor of his course at PIFA walk in. "Are you all right, Justin?" He asked.
"Of course I am." Justin answered, repeating the same half-lie from earlier.
The professor nodded slightly. "How's your hand?" He asked, raising an eyebrow slightly as he saw Justin cradling his hand in his other.
"It's fine," Justin smiled, "getting better at least, my boyfriend has been helping me with some exercises."
"Your normal teacher told me that you lost control of your hand in class today." The professor told Justin.
"Oh, just for a second." Said Justin, grinning slightly and trying to play it down.
The professor sighed slightly. "Justin, what happened to you was awful, truly awful, but, if you don't feel that you can live up to all of the aspects that this course requires, then maybe you should reconsider continuing with it."
As soon as his professor left, Justin began to cry. He began to cry at what Chris Hobbs had done to him, his whole life was ruined and it was all Hobbs' fault. And Brian...Brian, Justin was so deeply hurt by Brian leaving him alone the other night. Chris Hobbs had ruined my life, Justin thought, and Brian left me, Brian left me...how could he do that to me?
And as all of these conflicting emotions of pain and betrayal overwhelmed Justin; something in his mind snapped.
...
Brian was wandering the streets alone that night, the sky was dark and Brian was freaking out because he couldn't find Justin. Thinking it through, Brian decided upon his first move.
Jennifer Taylor opened the door to a very worried looking Brian Kinney, Jennifer was instantly worried.
"Brian...?" She asked, "what...come in! Come in!"
Brian walked into Jennifer's home. "Can I get you anything?" She asked him.
"No, I'm all right," said Brian, smiling slightly. "Actually, I don't mean to bother you..."
"It's never any bother." Jennifer assured him, Brian was her son now.
Brian smiled again. Jennifer was his mother now. Besides Deb, that was. "I was just wondering if you've seen..."
"Mom." Molly called, making the word three syllables, walking into the room. "I want..." as soon as she saw Brian there, she stopped in her tracks. "Who are you?" She asked.
"Molly!" Jennifer exclaimed, "don't be rude."
"I'm the monster that steals the children who aren't in bed at night." Brian joked, raising an eyebrow. Molly gave Brian a funny look and then left the room. Jennifer couldn't help but giggle.
"I have never been able to get that girl to stop talking." Jennifer told Brian.
Brian shrugged. "It's better than, "Oh, hey, I'm your brothers 30 year old boyfriend.""
"Oh, right, 'cause, "I'm the monster who's gonna eat you" is just great." Brian and Jennifer laughed for a minute, Brian really did like Jennifer. But then he suddenly remembered why he was there.
"Hang on," said Brian, "I'm getting distracted, I was just wondering if you've seen Justin at all?"
The humour immediately left Jennifer's eyes and was replaced by her former worry.
"I haven't seen him." Said Jennifer, "is everything okay?"
"Yeah," said Brian, "He's...err...he's probably with a friend, Daphne or something, I mean, we don't keep tabs on each other or anything, I guess I just freaked out when I couldn't find him at the loft, he's still kinda...vulnerable, you 'no?"
"Yeah," Jennifer agreed, "and you're probably right, I'll...err...I'll call him, and call you if I hear anything."
Brian nodded. "thanks, I've tried him phone a few times, but he didn't pick up."
Jennifer and Brian shared a warm goodbye and as Brian left, Jennifer couldn't help but smile in his direction.
When Brian walked out onto the street, he was still as worried as before. He ran a hand through his hair and contemplated what the hell he was gonna do, when suddenly, his phone rang in his pocket. He checked the caller ID, it was Michael.
"Mikey," said Brian, as soon as he answered the phone.
"I've found Justin." Michael said immediately, "He's at Woody's."
Brian's eyebrows shot up in shock. "What's he doing there?"
"I don't know," said Michael, "but he looks drunk, I think you should get over here."
Brian immediately made his way to Woody's, not only was he shocked, but he was also worried. As soon as he walked in, it occurred to him how long it had been since he'd actually been there on his own terms. He waved over to Michael, who was sat at one of the tables with Ted and Emmett. Brian immediately turned to the sound of familiar laughter, admittedly laughter Brian hadn't heard in a long time.
...
"Can you believe it?" Ted said to Emmett, "Brian Kinney has grown a heart."
"Brian's always had a heart." Said Michael, annoyed when people made these kinds of comments about his best friend. "He's just never found anyone to give it to, someone he could trust to take care of it."
"Sunshine would protect Brian's heart with his life." Said Emmett confidently.
"That's the thing I worry about though," said Michael, "anything happens to Justin's life, then what the hell will happen to Brian's heart?"
"Brian wouldn't let anything happen to his Sunshine." Said Emmett. "You know that."
"I know," said Michael, "but I also know that there are things that Brian can't control, I mean, you should have seen him in that hospital when Justin was in his coma. Makes me wonder what dark place Brian would be in right now if Justin never made it."
...
Brian saw Justin, downing a shot of something and being easily chatted up by the guy who was sat next to him at the bar. Brian could feel the anger bubbling up in his stomach and he resisted the urge to go and punch the stranger. Brian walked over to Justin, he didn't have nay real plan, he just needed to separate Justin from this man.
Justin glanced around the room and saw Brian walking towards him, a smile crossed Justin's face as Brian approached them, he immediately flung an arm around Brian's shoulder and kissed him drunkenly, by way of a welcome.
Justin turned to the stranger. "Sorry, but you can't have me," Justin turned back to Brian, "I've been saving myself for him." The stranger huffed and walked off. Mainly because he'd just found out that Justin wasn't interested, but the look in Brian's eyes had definitely sped things up a little bit.
"You're drunk." Brian pointed out.
Justin laughed. "You noticed."
"Why didn't you tell me where you were?" Asked Brian, trying to make the worry in his voice less noticeable, yet he doubted Justin would notice anyway.
"I didn't think I had to." Justin laughed, moving his body to the song that was playing in the bar.
"No..." began Brian, suddenly realising that a few months ago, he would have done exactly the same thing. "Of course you don't, I was just worried."
"Oh my God!" Said Justin, meeting Brian's eyes and looking shocked, "I didn't think about that!" He wailed. "I am so sorry, Brian! Oh God, please forgive me!"
Brian was immensely shocked at just how drunk Justin was.
"Why aren't you at home, resting for school tomorrow?" Asked Brian.
"I quit." Said Justin happily, sounding almost proud of himself.
"What?" Asked Brian, shocked. "Why?"
"Well, I can't draw any more," began Justin, "there's no point, Chris Hobbs won, and I don't have anybody to make it better."
"You know that's not true." Said Brian softly. "You have me, you'll always have me."
"DONT. YOU. DARE, LIE TO ME!" Justin screamed at Brian, anger flaring up in his eyes. Every single person in the bar turned to stare at them. "My life is a fucking mess!"
Brian was completely stunned and could do nothing but stare at Justin as he shouted at him.
"My killer is on the loose and he can come after me any time he wants! I can't draw any more and I've done it! I've lost the one thing in my life I knew I couldn't live without!"
"Justin, what...?" began Brian weakly, finally beginning to find his voice again.
"My faith in you!" Justin screamed, the tears streaming down his face. "And my trust in your love!"
Brian was completely shocked and immensely wounded by Justin's piercing words, and he could do nothing but stare on, speechless, as Sunshine stormed out of the bar.
...
"Thanks for meeting me." Said Brian, as Jennifer sat down at the table in the café they had decided to meet up in. Brian couldn't help but feel slightly out of his comfort zone as he saw all of the heterosexual couples and families.
"It's no problem," Jennifer smiled, "you're having a tough time of it lately, aren't you?" She asked knowingly.
"How could you tell?" Asked Brian sarcastically.
"Well, for one thing, you look terrible," she said, "did you sleep last night?"
"Not really," Brian admitted, "I was thinking."
Jennifer nodded. "I know what it's like to be up all night worrying about Justin," she smiled slightly at Brian, "fortunately for me, I had nothing to worry about."
Brian couldn't help smiling at Jennifer. Then he sighed.
"Well, I'm not trying to worry you even more, but, you're his mother. You know him better than I do."
Jennifer raised an eyebrow, Brian chose to ignore that.
"Well, my point," Brian continued, "is that I'm not sure how to deal with wayward teenagers, my son is only 1, so..."
"What's the problem?" Asked Jennifer.
Brian sighed. "I think...I think Justin is developing an alcohol dependency."
"What?" Asked Jennifer softly, stunned.
"As an escape," Brian continued, "ever since he quit art school, I think the pain of not being able to draw is getting to him."
"But he will be able to draw again."Jennifer pressed.
"I know that," said Brian. "But I don't think he believes it, at least not any more." Brian sighed and looked down. "When he was first in rehab, he just knew he was gonna prove that Doctor wrong, Jen, he was so determined, he's always been determined; getting me, staying with me, setting up that gay/straight student alliance, getting out of that hospital, and now, that determination has left his eyes, his heart." Brian looked up at Jennifer weakly. "He's given up, Jen. He's given up on his life and he doesn't trust me to make it better any more."
"I'll try to talk to him, Brian." Jennifer promised, "he might listen to me."
Brian nodded. "Thanks."
"Why doesn't he trust you?" Asked Jennifer.
"I have no idea." Said Brian, "I mean, he was fine before the trial, and afterwards I knew he'd be angry, but, I didn't think he'd be angry with me. And he seemed really angry that I was with Mikey after the trial, but he was with you, so I don't understand..."
Something clicked in Jennifer's mind. "Brian..." she said slowly, "Justin didn't spend the night with me."
"What?" Asked Brian, looking immediately up at Jennifer.
"After Daphne came back and told us what happened, he said he wanted to go home, he wanted to be with you."
"Oh...my God." Said Brian, "I spend the night with Michael! I...I thought he was with you! Oh, God, I didn't know! He must have been waiting for me."
I would have been angry with me, too.
...
Brian was sat on the sofa in the loft, trying mercilessly to finish his new ad campaign, but he couldn't rid his mind of what he was going to say when Justin walked through that door, and he also couldn't rid his mind of all the worry he felt if Justin didn't walk through that door.
He looked up immediately as he heard the loft door slide open, and was relieved when Justin walked in. But Brian's relief was short lived as Justin stumbled in and could barely keep his footing.
Brian immediately crossed over to him and took Sunshine in his arms, steadying him.
"Sunshine, what are you on?" Asked Brian softly.
"E." Justin replied simply, smiling up at him.
"And you're drunk." Said Brian, smelling the alcohol on him.
"Yeah." Justin laughed.
"You 'no, that's not a good mix." Brian warned his boyfriend.
"Why?" Asked Justin, "you do it all the time!" He walked away from Brian.
"Did." Said Brian, under his breath. He walked over to Justin.
"Justin, we..."
"Shhhh." Said Justin, placing a finger over Brian's lips. "You're mouth can be doing better things."
Justin leant in and kissed Brian drunkenly, Brian kissed Justin back for a moment and then broke him off, holding Justin gently but firmly back with his arms. He had experience dealing with drunks.
"Don't you want me?" Asked Justin playfully.
"I always want you." Brian assured him, "but we need to talk."
"About what?" Asked Justin.
Brian clenched his eyes briefly. "About the other night," he said, "your mother said you came home."
Brian winced as he saw a tear slide down Justin's face. "Yeah, I came home." Justin stepped away from Brian. "Daphne came back and told us that Hobbs got off and the first thought I had was how much I wanted you to hold me. So I came home, but you weren't there. I laid in bed all night, waiting for you and crying when you didn't turn up."
Brian looked down to the floor, feeling instantaneously furious with himself.
...
"Brian, can you go down to the art department and check on the boards for Remson's new account?" Said Ryder, popping his head around the door of Brian's office.
Brian looked up from his computer screen. "Yeah, sure." Said Brian, he stood up and did up the buttons of his expensive suit jacket and walked down to the art department.
"Hey, Brian." Said Charlie, one of the workers there. He got up from the computer desk he was working at to shake Brian's hand. Brian liked Charlie, aside from Cynthia, he was the only other person in the firm that Brian was actually friends with.
"How's Justin?" Asked Charlie.
"Not to great," Brian admitted, "but he'll get there. Thanks for asking, I'll pass it on."
Charlie nodded, smiling.
"Anyway," continued Brian, "Ryder wants me to check on the designs you lot have come up with for the Remson account."
"Oh, sure." Said Charlie, sitting back down at his computer desk. "Take a seat and I'll show you."
Brian pulled a chair up to the desk and undid his suit jacket, he sat down. As he looked at the design on the computer, he realised that he didn't recognise this type of computer. Charlie picked up some form of electronic pencil and began adding to his drawing, Charlie's hand glided over the screen with no real effort at all, Brian watched intently, but he was barely listening to any thing Charlie was saying.
"That's amazing." Said Brian.
"Thanks, Brian."
Brian laughed slightly. "Oh, I like your stuff too, but I meant this thing," he indicated to the computer, "what is this?"
"Oh, this?" Asked Charlie. "It's new, state-of-the-art, it's an easier way to write and draw really, they've issued them out to every one in business working in a form of animated art. They say it's easier and more efficient, here." He handed Brian the electronic pencil, "try it out."
Brian drew a simple flower, he'd never claimed to be much of an artist. But at the same time, he was no stranger to a pencil and paper, and this was a totally different playing field.
"Feel how easily your hand glides?" Said Charlie.
"Yeah." Brian agreed, feeling it, "I could draw for hours and never get tired, and it's so easy to control."
"Exactly," grinned Charlie, "that's basically how they marketed it, you get less tired so more drawing time, and it's easier to control."
"See that," Brian grinned, "great advertising executives think alike."
Charlie laughed, he'd always liked Brian, and he'd always felt a bit flattered that Brian liked him.
"Well, if you're interested, there's an employee discount on all computer equipment."
"Really?" Asked Brian, turning the electronic pencil over in his hand and seeing nothing but Sunshine in his head. "That is interesting."
...
"Do you want to go to Babylon with me?" Asked Justin, walking up to Brian as he was doing sit ups in the loft's living room.
"Are you sure you're ready for Babylon?" Asked Brian, sitting up and grabbing a towel from the sofa.
"Yeah," Justin laughed, "question is, are you? When was the last time you went?"
"The night before your prom." Brian answered, "I didn't exactly have the time after that."
"Well," said Justin, brushing off the pain of his prom, "now you do, are you coming?"
Brian stared at Justin, he was still bleeding from Justin's words the other night and he had spent every single second since then wondering if Justin still loved him, and hating himself for what he did. But seeing the hope in Justin's eyes, Brian couldn't say no to him.
"Err...sure, okay, I'll come."
"Yay!" Exclaimed Justin. "Get dressed."
"In a sec," said Brian, suddenly smiling. "There's something I wanna show you first."
"Oh?" Asked Justin, instantly intrigued.
"Come on," said Brian playfully, leading Justin to the other side of the loft where he had the computer set up for him.
"Come look what I got you."
Justin took one look at the computer and knew exactly what it was. "I don't want it." He said, walking away.
"You don't even know what it is." Said Brian.
"Yeah, I do." Said Justin, turning back to Brian. "It's false hope."
"No, look..." said Brian, kneeling down in front of the computer and doing a quick doodle. "I saw it at work today, you can draw with it, just like a pen or a pencil, just easier to control, you 'no, to get you through art college until your hand heals enough to draw on it's own."
Justin huffed.
"Will you stop being a drama queen and come try it out?" Asked Brian.
"Why?" Asked Justin. "So you can make yourself feel better? You fixed little Justin's problem? So you don't have to feel guilty about leaving me the other night?"
Brian looked down, ashamed. "Justin, I..."
"Look, it's over!" Justin exploded angrily. "My whole life is over and I will never be able to draw again! Except that! Chris Hobbs saw to that! And no fucking electronic crayola box is gonna fix that!" Justin looked like he was about to cry and Brian just wanted to put his arms around him.
"Now are you coming to Babylon or not?" Asked Justin, stalking off.
Even though Brian wasn't exactly in the party mood, he quickly dressed and followed Justin out of the loft. At least he could keep Justin safe, even if Justin didn't believe it any more.
...
It was the next day and Brian was idly flicking through channels. Justin then arrived home and walked straight past him. "Thank you very much." He said sarcastically.
"What did I do?" Asked Brian.
"My Mom is really worried about me!" Said Justin, walking to Brian, "she thinks I'm some sort of alcoholic, why did you tell her?"
"I had to do something!" Said Brian.
"You ran to my Mom?" Asked Justin incredulously.
"I did whatever I could to help you. Your Mom cares about you, not all of us are lucky enough to get that."
"Oh, so now you want to help me." Said Justin.
Brian sighed and stood up. "I thought me spending the evening with Michael was what you wanted, you even lied to me about the trial so I would spend time with him."
This stopped Justin in his tracks slightly. "Yeah, I did." He admitted carefully.
"I didn't come to Jennifer's because me and Daphne both agreed that the last thing you would need was me ready to rip someone's head off."
"I guess so." Said Justin, and he couldn't help but understand the reasoning.
"I have a problem with you abusing alcohol," Brian admitted finally. "I don't mean drinking, because I'm not a hypocrite, it's just abusing alcohol that bothers me."
"Why?" Asked Justin softly.
Brian closed his eyes for a second. "My father...was a drunk, an abusive drunk," Brian looked down for a second. "He used to drink every night, and when it got to the point where he couldn't hit me any more, we'd argue so badly I didn't even know who he was any more." Brian sighed as Justin listened intently. He'd had no idea. Suddenly, Justin understood why Brian was so cold before, Justin hated that, he hated that he wasn't around to protect Brian.
"I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me," Brian told him, "I just know how easy it is to lose a person to alcohol," Brian looked up at Justin, "I don't wanna lose you."
Justin was incredibly touched by Brian's words, and couldn't help a tear from escaping.
"I really, really hate myself for what I did to you," Brian went on. "I was so wrong, not being there for you when you needed me." Brian's forehead creased slightly as he looked at the only man he'd ever love. "I don't deserve you." Said Brian softly. "And I'm not trying to get you to love me again, I'm just trying to get you to stop hurting yourself." Brian then repeated Justin's own words; "I don't care about what happens to me, all I care about is that your life has to go on."
And in that moment, from hearing his own words, Justin suddenly remembered how much he loved Brian, how much he'd always loved Brian and how much he always would. Brian was the one, for Justin. There would never be any one else. Any one else as incredible,as indescribable, as beautiful. As Justin looked at the man he loved, he realised that no one else had the ability to make him feel the way he did when Brian looked at him. Justin felt so useless next to Brian and yet so needed by him, so worthless next to Brian but so special to him, and so insignificant next to Brian but so alive for him.
No one would be there for him like Brian, and Justin realised that if they weren't Brian, he wouldn't want them there. Brian had saved him, waited for him, prayed he'd be okay. Brian had helped him through rehab, in the hospital, he'd helped Justin go outside and come home and he'd looked after him and helped him to remember. Brian had been so loving, so caring and attentive and patient. Justin suddenly felt so incredible bad for being angry at Brian for spending one night with Michael, especially when Brian didn't know, and had thought he was safe with his mother.
Justin walked up to Brian and stroked a hand through Brian's soft, dark hair and stared deeply into his eyes. Justin needed to embed what he was going to say into Brian's soul.
"I was angry with you," Justin admitted truthfully, "but I never stopped loving you."
Justin could see Brian's eyes turn to liquid. "You were there for me, so much." Justin continued, "in the hospital, at the prom, in rehab, even here, every single thing you did for me, you did it alone, and I didn't even realise." Justin couldn't stop the tears from escaping. "I am so sorry I was angry for you being with Michael, you didn't do anything wrong, and I'm so sorry for making you worry about me and telling you I'd lost faith in you, I know now that that's not true, I don't want to lose you, Brian."
"Hey," said Brian soothingly, taking Justin in his strong arms, and Justin felt so incredibly safe right where he was he wanted to stay there forever.
"You are never gonna lose me, I could never let you go."
"My life isn't in a great place right now," said Justin, "you're the only thing that's keeping me from falling over the edge."
Brian took Justin's chin in his fingers and eased Justin's face up to his own. Justin could do nothing but stare helplessly into Brian's eyes.
"You're not falling anywhere," Brian promised softly, "you belong right here." Brian lifted Justin's hand and pressed it against his chest, right over his heart.
They never broke eye contact as Justin felt Brian's soft skin and steady heartbeat beneath his fingers.
"In my heart." Brian whispered.
Justin suddenly reached up on his tiptoes and kissed Brian passionately, completely giving himself over to his man. Brian returned the kiss with all of the passion in his being, making Justin his.
When the kiss ended, Justin rested his tired head on Brian's shoulder. Brian tightened his hold on him and could feel Sunshine melt into his arms. This simple gesture was enough to show Brian just how much Justin trusted him.
"I'm never gonna let you fall from my heart, Sunshine, and I'm never gonna let you fall away from yours," Brian promised, whispering in Justin's ear, "I am never gonna let you fall away from me."
And as Justin fell asleep in the arms of his true love, lulled to sleep by Brian's heartbeat, he knew now that he had never lost his faith in Brian, or his trust in Brian's love. And as he trusted every single word Brian said with all of his heart, he didn't think he ever could.
Brian wasn't ever gonna let him fall away, he belonged in Brian's heart.