Letters to the Fallen
Chapter Nine
To the Dark Lord,
Now that you're dead, I can say what I want about you without the fear of being crucio'd. So everything I've been wanting to say for years I will write out now.
First of all, what kind of sick, twisted bastard are you? You expected a sixteen year old to kill a wizard well over his one-century mark? Because a sixth year can take on Albus bloody Dumbledore. Maybe if this sixth year had poison that he could lace the headmaster's lemon drops with, but you didn't supply me with poison, now did you? No. And I couldn't ask Severus, because then he'd be suspicious of me! So I had to resort to the most roundabout ways of killing Dumbledore, all of which failed, until Severus came along and did the deed for me.
And then you expect me to take the Mark. Once again, a sixth year with the Dark Mark on his arm? How's that going to look when I go for a job later in life, eh? "Oh hello, Mr. Malfoy, I see you're here for a spot at the Funky Hair Care Spells and Potions Salon? Let me see your resume. Ah, you were a follower of the Dark Lord? I'm assuming you tortured and killed many innocent Muggles. Get out of my shop. Now." Or maybe: "This is your new uniform, it has short sleeves. What do you mean, long sleeves only? What's this? The Dark Mark? On second thought, we're not hiring anymore." Yeah, no. That's not going to happen. At least Mother was sane and didn't want me to take the Mark.
Also, what's with your face? At first I thought someone had slammed a door in your face really bloody hard. But then Father told me that you've always had no nose, so that ruined my theory. What made you get rid of your nose? Was it the snake fashion of having slits for nostrils? Because while it may look good on snakes, it looks horrible on you.
And do try to grow some hair. While my crazy Aunt Bellatrix may go for the bald-and-noseless type, I don't think Rodolphus appreciates it. Hell, none of us appreciate it. I heard from Father that in the graveyard when you were resurrected, the lights from the spells were reflected off your head and nearly blinded some of the Death Eaters. It wouldn't be good to have blind followers, now would it? They'd probably end up killing each other by accident. Not like that would be bad or anything.
Why did you name your followers that, anyways? It's not like any of them eat death. I don't think any of them eat at all. Greyback being the exception. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy ate people, all things considered. And what's with the Dark Mark? I wouldn't be surprised if Bellatrix took part of it the wrong way and interpreted it to mean 'let's all sleep with the Dark Lord.' Poor Rodolphus.
Anyways, I heard this rumor going around. I've heard several actually. One is quite scandalous. I always knew you had a thing for snakes, being Salazar Slytherin's heir and a parselmouth and all, but I think going at it with Bella would be better than with Nagini, don't you think? Once again I must put that I pity Rodolphus. I wonder if he knows how much his wife gets up to.
Onto the second rumor, is it true that you're a half-blood? Kind of goes against the whole 'all muggles, Muggleborns, and some half-bloods should be terminated' factor, eh? And no, the excuse that you killed off your family doesn't work here.
One more thing. Never. Ever. Ever. Hug me or anyone else again. I am now traumatized because of that. I hope your happy now, Lord Moldy Shorts.
Do you even wear shorts under those robes of yours? I know you don't wear shoes or socks, but what about underclothes? Actually, on second thought, I don't want to know.
-Draco Malfoy
PS. When making a Death Eater a Hogwarts teacher in disguise, it would be wise to not have them transfigure a Malfoy into a ferret and tossed inside a fellow Slytherin's pants. It was not appreciated.
PPS. I don't know who told you otherwise, but having disgustingly long and uncared-for fingernails is not attractive. Try again, Voldy.
PPPS. My father will hear about this! And yes, actually, he does hear about things!