~(kiss five)~
Some things I'd change but it's too late
I'd take the past and make it straight
A cold wave washes over you as you push the iron gate open and take a step inside – inside the place you've been dreading and longing to visit for the past week. You know better than to be here, but it's not as if you have much to lose – you lost what really mattered to you some years ago. At the thought of that day, you grimace and your hand involuntarily moves to touch the red (Gryffindor) scarf wrapped around your neck.
You don't know why you're even here. It's not as though he didn't move on – he married that Mudblood after all, right? It's not as though he ever cared that your feelings never went away, right…? You've always questioned because, despite the numerous times you've seen one another on opposite sides of the war, never once had a spell fired from his wand hit you (and you know better than to think his aim was always just off). Or maybe it was the way, when your eyes met, that he would instantly shudder (as if he felt the same shock soar through his body as you did through yours).
You finally find the place for which you are looking and immediately drop to your knees as the sadness that takes over you is more than you can bear. Your eyes can hardly make out the carved letters because of the freely flowing tears clouding them. You press one hand against the smooth stone while the other tightly clutches his scarf. You just lean your forehead against the stone and cry like you've never done before (the tears you've held back for so long release themselves). All of the memories that the two of you shared race through your mind and you would give anything to be able to go back to those moments and tell him all the words you left unspoken, tell him how much he really means to you. But it's too late and you're not so sure it could have changed anything about how the future played out anyway.
When you had first heard about the Dark Lord's fall, a tiny bit of hope formed in you because you had believed that you might be able to see James again. But all good things in life come with a price and that hope of yours was extinguished the second you discovered he died paying it.
He is dead. Even though you've heard it a million times and have repeated it to yourself even more, it just doesn't feel real. You can't wrap your mind around how someone so strong, so full of life, could vanish at the flick of a wrist (screw Flitwick's bloody "swish and flick"). And it kills you to think that you never attempted to protect him like he'd done for you (but really, how could a snake defend a lion?).
So many things died that night along with him. Your heart, your hope, everything and anything good that had still existed in you – all are buried underneath the ground on which you're kneeling. You feel so empty – a shell of your former self – as if a Dementor had kissed you that Halloween night. And you know better than to think you'll ever be the same.
You lean towards the gravestone and press your lips against the carved letters of his name.
"I love you" comes from your lips a little too late (if only you had been able to tell him that when he was there with you).
The lyrics at the beginning are from Death Cab for Cutie's song "Start Again."
Eep, I really wanted everything to work out between them, but it just didn't happen that way.
:L
Hm, it's so bittersweet to finish a multichapter fic. I'll definitely miss writing chapters for this, but I'll write more for them in the future. I can't believe how fond I became of this pairing, aha.
Thanks mew for betaing!