Okay, so I know it's been a while since I've written one of these, but this past week I've really had the urge to write. I came up with this one while singing this song in the shower (and yes, I do sing in the shower. Don't judge!). I own nothing! The characters are owned by the lovely Katsura Hoshino and the song is owned by Mr. Jonathan Coulton.
Chapter Six
One beautiful day, Allen Walker was wandering around a marketplace somewhere in Switzerland. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he was hit over the head with something very hard and very blunt. He assumed it was a steel pipe as he fell to the ground, unconscious.
When Allen finally awoke, he found that he was no longer in the marketplace. In fact, as his vision cleared and he looked at his surroundings, he found that he wasn't anywhere that he'd ever seen or heard of before. Then his gaze fell upon a handsome, gray-skinned man sitting in the throne in front of him.
"Hello Boy," Tyki said, smiling.
"Tyki!" the white-haired boy shouted. "How the hell did I get here?"
"You don't even know where 'here' is do you Boy?" the dark-haired Noah asked.
"I-" Allen began, but Tyki interrupted him by singing.
"Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain.
I hope that you've enjoyed your stay so far.
I see you've met my assistant Scarface."
At this time, a brawny Noah with spiky black hair entered the room holding a bar of chocolate. Tyki was gesturing to him.
Allen's shoulders slumped. He'd been kidnapped by the poker-playing Noah yet again.
"You managed to get Skin Boric to be your assistant 'Scarface?'" he asked.
"All I had to do was supply him with sweets until this whole charade is over."
Figures, the white-haired Exorcist thought to himself. Then he asked, "How the hell did you get a secret lair? And where the hell is Skullcrusher Mountain?"
Tyki smiled meekly. "To answer your questions in order: firstly, it's a secret as to how I got this base, duh; and secondly, I named a random mountain that hadn't yet been named."
Allen had expected a response like this from him. "So you named it Skullcrusher Mountain?" he asked in disbelief.
"Yes," Tyki said plainly, "But that's not the point. You interrupted me as I was introducing my assistant, Scarface."
Oh brother, Allen thought to himself as Tyki began to sing even more.
"His appearance is quite disturbing,
But I assure you he's harmless enough.
He's a sweetheart, calls me 'Master,'
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me."
So that's what hit me, Allen thought to himself. It wasn't a steel pipe, it was Skin's fist.
He spoke. "The only reason he calls you 'Master' is the fact that you give him candy!" he shouted. "And what do you mean 'harmless?' He almost killed me when he knocked me out!"
The top hat-wearing Noah glared at him. "Details, details," he said, "I was just getting to the part where I explain why you're here."
"The reason why I'm here is because you're ridiculous 'servant' brought me here after knocking me unconscious!" Allen shouted as Skin left the room to grab more candy.
Tyki smiled, "As I said Boy, details, details. Now then, if you're through interrupting me, I'm going ahead and explaining why I had you brought here."
Allen withdrew from the argument, for there was no use arguing with someone who is crazier than you are. So, sighing, he said, "Fine. Just get on with it."
Tyki smiled and said, "I will, with pleasure." Then continued his song.
"Oh and I'm so into you
But I'm way too smart for you-"
"Arrogant aren't we?" Allen interrupted.
Tyki frowned. "Henchman!" he called to Skin, "Get me the duct tape!"
"Yes, Master, but only if you get me more sweets." Skin said from the other room.
"Consider it done my friend," Tyki hollered, smiling impishly at Allen. "Now you won't be interrupting me anymore." Shifting his focus back to his song, he said, "Continuing from where I left off."
"Even my henchmen think I'm crazy.
I'm not surprised that you agree."
First right thing he's said all day, Allen thought to himself.
"If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You'd see the voices that control me
From inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet."
"Wait a minute," Allen said in horror, "So you're saying that, if I don't love you, some schizophrenic part of you is going to tell you to kill me?"
"Well, not really kill you per say," Tyki began, "Just injure you and take your Innocence."
Allen wasn't quite sure which innocence the Noah was talking about, nor did he want to find out, so he stayed quiet and listened to the next few lines of Tyki's song.
"I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please you."
At this point, Tyki's brother, Sheril Kamelot, led out a creature that was extremely hideous. It was a Level Two Akuma that literally looked like a half-pony, half-monkey abomination. Allen had to restrain himself from puking. Instead of spewing his guts, he screamed.
"But I get the feeling that you don't like it.
What's with all the screaming?
You like monkeys, you like ponies.
Maybe you don't like monsters so much."
Tyki shrugged his shoulders in a "what else could I do" gesture.
"Maybe I used too many monkeys.
Isn't it enough that I ruined a pony
Making a gift for you?"
"What the hell made you think I'd like that?" Allen shouted at the Noah.
Tyki smiled shyly, an unusual thing for him to do, and said, "Thought you might have had a change of heart about the Akuma."
Allen smacked his hand against his forehead and ran it down his face as Sheril awkwardly when the Akuma away and Tyki continued his song.
"And I'm so into you,
But I'm way too smart for you.
Even my henchmen think I'm crazy.
I'm not surprised that you agree.
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You'd see the voices that control me
From inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet."
"I still don't get why you're going to kill me if I refuse to love you." Allen said.
"It's simple dear boy," Tyki said, "If I can't have you, no one can."
Great, Allen thought hopelessly, I'm stuck on a mountain with a lunatic male Noah that's obsessed with me. I feel like I'm in a horror novel that hasn't been written yet.
At that point, Tyki brought down a projector screen and motioned for Devitt and Jasdero to bring in a projector. They set it down about twently feet from the screen and turned it on.
Tyki pulled out slides from the inside pocket of his black suit and crossed over to the machine. Placing a slide in, he sang again.
"Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine."
A crudely drawn picture of Allen and Tyki in what appeared to be a golden submarine appeared on the screen. The slide changed as the Noah sang more.
"While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the atmosphere."
Another crude drawing appeared on the screen. This one was of a bunch of stick figures blowing up a small village of other stick people.
"And all the fools who live their foolish lives
May find it quite explosive."
The Noah turned to the snowy-haired teen.
"But it won't mean half as much to me
If I don't have you here."
The teenaged Exorcist didn't know whether to be flattered by this, or afraid of what would come next. Unfortunately, fear won over as the twin Noahs took the projector away. Allen ran for the steel door, but Tyki was quicker. The Noah man blocked the only exit.
"I know it isn't easy living here on Skullcrusher Mountain.
Maybe you can cut me just a little slack.
Would it kill you to be civil?"
"Oh, so I'm the one that isn't being civil?" Allen asked sarcastically, "And keeping me locked in here is?"
"Where the hell is Skin with that duct tape!" Tyki shouted.
"He got lost on the way to get it," Devitt said nonchalantly, "He's probably punching through mountains to get it by now."
"Dammit!" Tyki shouted.
"Maybe you need better 'henchmen,'" Allen said pointedly.
Tyki glared at Allen as he sang the next few lines of his song.
"I've been patient
I've been gracious
And this mountain is covered with wolves.
Hear them howling,
My hungry children?
Maybe you should stay and have another drink
And think about me and you."
Allen looked out the window that was to the left of the door and, sure enough, there were several wolf-like Akuma surrounding the secret lair.
"So even if I wanted to escape, I couldn't?" Allen asked his captor.
"I suppose not," Tyki said smiling, "But I've only got one more chorus left to sing, so do you mind if I do?"
"Not at all," Allen said, "Seeing as I have absolutely no choice in the matter anyway."
"Lovely," Tyki smiled politely.
"And I'm so into you
But I'm way too smart for you.
Even my henchmen think I'm crazy.
I'm not surprised that you agree.
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You'd see the voices that control me
From inside my head say I shouldn't kill you yet."
"You're really serious about killing me if I don't love you aren't you," Allen said as Tyki came closer to him with an evil grin on his face.
"Yep," Tyki said seriously.
Allen gulped as the Noah raised his hand, preparing to thrust it into Allen's chest. The gray-eyed teen had to act fast.
As Tyki lunged toward him, Allen grabbed the back of the Noah's head and pulled him in for a kiss. Meanwhile, the Noah's hand was wrapped around the boy's heart as he thrust his tongue into the boy's mouth, through not only his teeth, but the Exorcist's as well.
Allen was startled by this, but, feeling the Noah's hand on his heart, he decided that it was best not to pull away.
Finally, it was Tyki who ended the kiss. Taking his hand off of Allen's heart and out of his chest, the Noah licked his lips and smiled devilishly.
"That was cute," he said, "But I wasn't really going to kill you."
"Wha-" Allen shouted.
"Oh, and by the way, it's quite negligent of you to be flirting with the enemy when you're on the job."
"You bastard!" Allen shouted as Tyki winked at him.
Then, the door behind Allen flew open and Skin returned with the duct tape. Allen was hit by the door and knocked straight into the wall. He was now unconscious.
Tyki smiled mischievously, plotting what to do next.
When Allen awoke, it was six thirty in the morning and he was cold. He also found that he couldn't move. Looking down at his body, he found that he was tied up by silvery duct tape. The worst part about his predicament was that he was naked as well.
He surveyed his surroundings. He was just outside the gate to the Black Order Headquarters. He tried to speak, but found that there was duct tape across his mouth as well.
That son of a bitch! Allen cursed in his head. Who knows what he's done to me?
Suddenly, the gate opened and Jerry walked out on his usual run to the village marketplace. He stopped when he saw Allen.
"Well," he said, "Somebody had a fun night," and he continued on his way.
Moments later, the gateway opened again and Kanda stepped out on his usual morning jog. He, too, stopped when he saw Allen. He looked around to see if anyone was around. Then, when he was sure that the coast was clear, he picked the naked teen up, tossed him over his shoulder, and walked back through the gates, ignoring Allen's grunts of protest.
Bet you thought I was gonna put Allen with Jerry for a second there hmm? If not, then I am getting extremely predictable and need to change it up. I was really excited when I came up with this because I hadn't touched this story since the "Clarksville" chapter and I really wanted to do another Poker Pair one-shot. I like how this one turned out and I hope you guys like it too. Amazingly, there's not Lenalee bashing. I couldn't figure out how to fit any in. Thinking about a chapter for Krory for the next one. Stay tuned and remember to R&R to tell me how I did please. Thanks for putting up with me.