I'm so sorry that this is so late! Not very many excuses here… I'm just lazy. And I babysit a lot, but mainly I'm lazy =( Sorry!
Anyways- laziness aside, it's finally finished! Unohana's really O.O.C… sorry about that too.
Thanks to Lali Lali, bleach-otaku, Grey dog and Ablast4 for the questions- you all get virtual cookies! Lots and lots of virtual cookies! For all those who reviewed, you only get one virtual cookie each- send questions this time! And for everybody who didn't review- no virtual cookies for you. Review this time!
Happy belated Easter for those who celebrate it- I don't, I just use it as an excuse to get chocolate… Oh well, each to their own.
Anyways, if you read all of this, I'm surprised. I was reasonably certain that I'm the only one who reads the author's notes… Thank you for reading it, but you really don't have to. Although if you want to, go right ahead!
So… on with the super late story (again my sincerest apologies)!
If I owned Bleach… I don't own Bleach. I don't have any creative disclaimers that relate to Unohana or Squad Four. I can't think of anything. That's probably why I don't own Bleach.
Oh, and all of Unohana's thoughts are italicized. Because that's where we get the honest answers! =)
Warning- implied Yaoi (Man x man) if you don't like it, don't take it that way- or don't think about it. There isn't too much, just hints.
Retsu Unohana
Retsu Unohana, Captain of the Fourth Division, had just finished telling off a few eleventh divisioners who were disrupting the peace of her barracks when somebody yelled her name. Expecting another emergency, she turned, only to see Yachiru running towards her. She was followed at a distance by three others, one woman, and two men. The men were carrying cameras.
"Unohana!" Yachiru called again. She skidded to an abrupt halt in front of the taller woman.
"I don't have anything to eat Yachiru," Unohana said automatically. "I'm sorry." Yachiru pouted a bit, but cheered up right away.
"That's okay!" she replied cheerfully. "I wasn't here for candy anyways." Unohana was slightly surprised by this remark. Yachiru, not here for candy? Was the world ending? "You're the next star of the Seireitei's new T.V show, Hidden Camera!"
"Why is it called Hidden Camera?" Unohana asked. Yachiru's eyes widened a bit. Nobody had thought to question the name of the show yet. She didn't have a good answer ready.
"No reason," she tried, hoping that Unohana wouldn't press the issue. She didn't. "Anyways," Yachiru continued, "Seru, the hostess of the show, and the Maneru brothers, the cameramen, will be following you around all day." Unohana resisted the urge to face-palm. Didn't she have enough to do? "There's also an interview," Yachiru added. "Have fun!" she waved and took off. Apparently not.
"Good morning," Unohana said sweetly, bowing to the three in front of her while mentally forcing herself not to strangle someone. I heal, not hurt, she told herself. I heal, not hurt.
Seru bounced up to walk beside her. "So, Unohana," she started, grinning brightly. It's Captain Unohana, Unohana responded inwardly, but she kept that false, gentle smile pasted on her face anyways. "I heard that you're the nicest captain in the Seireitei! You tie with Captain Ukitake!"
"Really?" Unohana asked in a falsely interested tone.
"But then everybody from Eleventh Division says that you're the scariest!" Seru continued. You bet, Unohana thought triumphantly. I pown those idiot's asses!
"So, which is it? Are you super nice, or super scary?" Seru wanted to know. Super scary. Everybody who says I'm nice has problems!
"That is a matter of opinion." Not. I'm just scary!
"Oh… okay! I think you're super nice!" You're an idiot! And you have problems! Serious problems!
"Thank you." Unohana turned into her office, and dropped into a chair with a barely audible sigh. It was the first downtime that she'd had all day.
"So," Seru pulled a chair up and sat across from Unohana, uninvited. "Let's start the interview!" Unohana watched her, her smiling face giving away none of her thoughts- what is she doing? That's not her chair! Ugh, I hate it when people take chairs without asking! It pisses me off! "First question!" Seru began. "Kenpachi or Ukitake?" Unohana blinked, confused.
"Clarify," she asked. Stop being so damn cryptic!
"Who do you like better, Kenpachi or Ukitake?" Seru asked. Unohana didn't have to think about it.
"Ukitake." Kenpachi's a psychopathic creep!
"Second question. Do you like Ukitake?" Seru leaned forwards in her seat expectantly. She stole that chair, Unohana thought offhandedly.
"We're just friends," she replied. I wish we were more.
"Do you wish you were more?" Seru asked. What is this woman, a f***ing mind reader? Seriously what the (fill in swear word(s) of choice here).
"No. I am fine just being friends with Ukitake." Like hell I do!
"Third question! If Ukitake asked you on a date, what would you do?"
"I'd consider it." I'd be the happiest woman on earth.
"Just consider it. Come on! You two make the cutest couple! Don't they Isane?" Seru asked, startling Isane, who had just walked in.
"Don't they what?" she asked shyly, glancing over at her captain for guidance. Seru turned to face her, and Unohana gave Isane a look that said, be honest. I want your opinion as much as she does. The two had been captain and vice captain for a long time, and they understood each other. Isane was also one of the few people that Unohana was able to speak to honestly.
"Don't Unohana and Ukitake make a good couple?" Seru asked. Isane gulped.
"Umm… I don't know?" she looked over at Unohana. Seru had also turned so that her back was to Isane. She has my chair! Isane mouthed. Seru turned to face her again.
"Did you say something?" she asked. Behind her Unohana mouthed, ask her to give it back!
"N-no ma'am," Isane replied. "I'm just going to, um, speak to Third Seat Yasochika about, uh, something." She turned and fled. Great, now she's scared off my vice captain, and stolen her chair. I hate this woman so much! Dirty rotten chair stealer!
"Next question." Unohana requested, signature gentle smile still on her face.
"Oh, come on! Admit that you and Ukitake would be the cutest couple ever!" Something in Unohana's face darkened. It still appeared gentle-ish, but something threatened danger. This was what scared the Eleventh Divisioners.
"Next Question." Right now. Don't make me take a page from Byakuya's book and go Bankai on you. You won't like my Bankai.
"Right, okay," Seru replied, visibly shaken. "Right… where was I?" she was sweating. Long exposure to overly-persuasive Unohana does that to a person.
"Fourth question," Unohana prompted. Yeah, that's right. You better be scared!
"Right. Fourth question. What if you got so angry that you stopped being nice?"
"I wouldn't do that." Oh yes I would. I'd destroy the person who made me angry, for starters, and then… I think I'd kill all of the Eleventh Squad members, including that freak, Kenpachi. After that, I think I'll destroy the Squad Twelve barracks, and Mayuri, because there is something seriously wrong with that man, and then…
"Right. Of course not. Fifth question. Why do you smile so much?"
"Because I like smiling." Because it makes people feel safe while I'm secretly plotting their demise. Well, when I'm not busy thinking about how to treat the next patient. I just realized something. I have no life.
"Sixth question. Could you make a list of all the captains, and what your thoughts are on them, like, love, or hate?"
"That's not a question, that's a request." Yamamoto, respect, but hate. Soi Fon, like as a friend. Gin, hate. Me, I don't know yet. Aizen- he's a betraying evil bastard! I hate him. Byakuya, respect, and like. He's sensible, and he stays out of my business. He's also respectful, and he doesn't annoy me or get in the way of my work. Komamura. He's a f***ing dog man! And his justice talk is really annoying. Hate. Shunsui. I'm surprised that man hasn't gotten alcohol poisoning yet, and he makes his poor vice captain work far too hard. I like Nanao though. She should be captain. Tosen. Hate. A lot. Hitsugaya. Respect and like- same as Byakuya. Kenpachi. He's a homicidal maniac. Hate. Mayuri. He disgusts me. I hate him. Ukitake. I love him. Enough said.
"Sure, alright, I guess that was. Seventh question. Have you ever sent the injured to twelfth because you don't have enough room?"
"Absolutely not." Mayuri would just kill them slowly. I hate that creep.
"Eighth question. Do you treat other captains?"
"It depends on how badly injured they are. I treated Byakuya after the Aizen incident, but I didn't treat Komamura when he was stabbed during the Bount infiltration. I did treat Soi Fon during the Bount infiltration though."
"Ninth question. Do you ever use the fact that you are a medical professional as an excuse to get Ukitake to take his shirt off?"
"Definitely not." All the time. Well, when I've got time, so almost never. Something always comes up.
"Are you kidding? I would! Tenth question! Do you know why Tosen is blind?"
"He's been blind since birth."
"Oh. I'd feel sorry for him, but he's a betraying bastard!" Seru scowled.
"I'm sure that he has his reasons." That's the first sensible thing that you've said since I met you!
"Huh. I still think he's a bastard. Eleventh question. What would you do if Kenpachi tried to kiss you?"
"He wouldn't. I wouldn't let him." And if he did, I'd kill him, very, very slowly over the course of several pain filled years. And in the mean time, I'd have a restraining order filed against him.
"So you don't like him then? That's too bad. You and Kenpachi also make a very cute couple. Almost as cute as you and Ukitake!"
"Next question."
"Alrighty then. Twelfth question. How long did it take to grow out your hair?"
"A very long time. I can't remember when I started to grow it out."
"Heh, you must be very patient then. I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd lose interest by the fourth month. Anywho, Thirteenth question. Do you know about Ukitake's crush on you?"
"I already told you, we're just friends." Please continue, please continue, please continue! I want to know more!
"No, he has a major crush on you. I've heard stories that he has posters of you in his room."
"I highly doubt that." Really? That's so sweet!
"Oh well. I bet anything that it's true."
"I don't bet." Usually. There was that one time with Isane…
"Figures. Fourteenth question. Do you ever wear your hair down?"
"No." Never.
"If Ukitake asked you to would you?"
"No." Yes, definitely.
Seru sighed. "You two have serious problems. Can't you see what a great couple you'd be?"
"We're just friends." We would be a great couple, wouldn't we?
"Fine. Be that way. Fifteenth question. Would you be surprised if Ukitake attempted to form a white hair club with Hitsugaya?
"…?" Unohana stared at her. What the hell?
"Don't be. He probably will." Seru told her, noticing the startled look on her usually serene face. Unohana didn't say anything. She was distantly wondering whether she'd have to treat Ukitake for frostbite after this or not. She probably would. "Sixteenth question," Seru continued. "Do you ever take your zanpaku-to for joy rides?"
"Occasionally," Unohana answered honestly. Since this hadn't happened often in the interview, she felt proud of herself. "Only when I don't want to walk."
"That is so awesome! I want one! I don't suppose there's a zanpaku-to catalogue?"
"No, sorry." Unohana replied.
"Damn. That sucks."
"I'm happy with what I have."
"I guess. Moving on, Seventeenth question! Is Isane's height ever a problem?"
"No. She thinks it is, but she's just fine the way she is."
"Aww, that's sweet! Eighteenth question! Why is everyone so scared of you?"
"No clue." Because I'm super scary, dammit! I'm the scariest captain in the Seireitei!
"Nine-"
"Captain Unohana!" an unseated officer burst into the office. "I'm sorry to interrupt you but it's an emergency!" Unohana stood with a sigh. What now…? Why am I even wondering? It's some eleventh division members who nearly killed each other again. "Two Eleventh division members nearly killed each other again!" the man continued, confirming Unohana's suspicions.
"I'm coming," she told him, following him out of the office. Seru followed her.
"I'm sorry, but you can't come with me," Unohana told her.
"That's okay, I only have one more question." Seru told her. "Will you be my friend?"
"Sure," Unohana replied distractedly. Not a chance. You annoy me.
Seru watched Unohana walk away. "What an honest woman," she commented to the Maneru brothers. "And she's so nice too!"
Seru hadn't been able to catch up with Unohana for the rest of the day- the woman was too busy doing surgery on the two Eleventh Divisioners who had nearly killed each other. Instead, she spent the rest of the day wandering around the Fourth Division barracks and striking up conversation with random people. During that time she learnt that most of the Squad Four members greatly respected their captain, and some even went so far as to proclaim her the 'Best Captain in the Seireitei'. Seru just hoped that Kiyone and Sentaro didn't hear that. Ever.
When she finally wandered into the secret room in the Eleventh Division Barracks, she found Ikkaku, Yumichika and Yachiru already waiting for her. Yachiru was hungrily eating her way through a bag of candy, and Ikkaku was rubbing bite marks on his head. Seru guessed that Yumichika had had to bribe Yachiru to get off of Ikkaku's head again.
"So you survived," Ikkaku said dryly. "Honestly, that woman's a monster." Ikkaku obviously shared the opinion of most of the other Eleventh Divisioners.
"Actually, I didn't think that she was that bad. She seemed nice, and she was pretty honest!"
"A common disillusion," Yumichika told her.
"I like her," Yachiru commented, looking up from her candy. "You're just pussies!"
"I dare you to say that again," Ikkaku warned, his hand going for his sword. Yumichika grabbed the man's arms, restraining him.
"Hey, calm down," he told him, keeping a firm grip on Ikkaku's arms. Seru looked in between the two men. Was there something more than friendship going on between the two of them, or was she just imagining things?
"Look," Ikkaku said through gritted teeth. Yumichika still hadn't let go of him, and he wasn't forcing him to. "When we turn on those cameras, it'll prove that she's a monster!"
"Maybe," Seru told him, "but then again, maybe not." She turned on the screens, and they all watched as they flickered on.
At first glance it seemed like a perfectly normal- if overly clean room. It did at second glance too, and third, and, if you weren't overly observant, at fourth glance too. But then they started taking in the details, like the Hate List on the wall, and the collection of voodoo dolls lined up on the dresser. Each voodoo doll had pins stuck in it. Some- namely Mayuri, Kenpachi, Tosen, Gin, and several nameless Eleventh Division members, had their heads cut off and lane down carefully beside the body. Obviously the voodoo dolls didn't work, because if they had, most of the members of the Thirteen Court Guard Companies would be either dead or seriously injured. Unohana needed to team up with Szayel. They obviously had the same goal in mind, and Szayel had the power to do it discreetly.
"See," Ikkaku said, sometime after a moment of stunned silence. "She's a monster."
"That is a lot of people to hate," Seru commented. "She shouldn't live with all that anger pent up inside of her like that.
"I don't think she does," Ikkaku replied, gesturing vaguely towards the voodoo dolls.
"All that is so unbeautiful," Yumichika said with his usual drama. "Whose idea was it to put up a hate list? Why couldn't she put up a 'Beautiful People List' and have me at the top."
Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because she doesn't think you're beautiful?"
"That's impossible. Only the chronically ugly wouldn't allow themselves to think about the fact that I'm beautiful. Unohana isn't one of the chronically ugly. Not like that Ganju guy."
"Besides, a 'Beautiful People List' wouldn't do her any good," Seru commented. "I think she does this to vent her anger. Since she heals people, she has no other way to do it."
"Maybe you have a point," Ikkaku admitted.
They watched the screens in silence for a while. Finally, after what seemed like years, but was really only about fifteen minutes, the door opened, and Unohana walked in. She slammed the door shut, obviously in a bad mood, and picked up a pen from the dresser. Her usually gentle, calm face was gone, replaced by an angry scowl. She stomped over to the hate list, and wrote on single name on it.
Komara Seru.
"She hates you Seru!" Ikkaku exclaimed triumphantly. "Sucks to be you!"
"She hates you too," Seru pointed out. Indeed, Ikkaku's name was near the top of the list.
"Yeah, but I already knew that. You're the one who wants to be friends with her!"
"So! She agreed to be my friend!"
"Obviously not. You're on her 'Hate List'!"
"Quit fighting!" Yachiru demanded, hitting both of them over the head with tiny fists.
"Yes. Arguing is so unbeautiful." Yumichika agreed.
"You think everything is unbeautiful!" Seru countered.
"No. I am not unbeautiful!"
"Oh shut it."
Surprising everybody in the room, Yumichika shut it. But that was only because something was happening in the room.
Unohana had turned on the radio, and now was doing some kind of crazy dance.
"Shit…" Ikkaku muttered.
"That is the worst dancing I have ever seen in my life. It can't get any worse." Seru muttered, wincing.
"My eyes are burning!" Yumichika exclaimed dramatically.
"Eww…" Yachiru grimaced, and then immediately forgot about it when she noticed that Seru had candy. It was like a train wreck. They all wanted to look away, and yet they couldn't. And then, against all logic, it got worse. Unohana started to sing. Chaos broke out.
Yachiru began to run in circles with her hands over her ears, whimpering.
"Cut my ears off!" Ikkaku yelled. "Somebody please cut my ears off!" Nobody did. They couldn't hear him over the screeching sounds currently coming from Unohana's mouth.
The Maneru brothers ran out of the room, slamming the door behind them.
Seru soon was following both Ikkaku and Yachiru's examples. She ran around the room in circles with her hands over her ears screaming "Kill me now! Please!" and "My ears are bleeding! Make her stop!" Her ears really were bleeding.
Yumichika ran to the screens, and after a bit of fumbling where he couldn't remember which switch turned them off, finally succeeded. A welcome silence fell through the room.
"Ow," Seru whimpered. "My ears are bleeding- they're f***ing bleeding!"
"How does nobody outside of the room hear that?" Ikkaku wanted to know.
"Maybe that's what causes Isane's nightmares!" Seru suggested. "I know that it's going to be in my nightmares."
"Or maybe her room is soundproof."
"It's got to be pretty damn soundproof for nobody to hear that." Ikkaku said.
"Owie," Yachiru whined. "Ow, owie!"
Everybody gave the screens suspicious looks.
"Should we turn them back on?" Ikkaku asked. There was a pause.
"No!" Everybody, including Ikkaku, chorused. "Never!"
"Let's just leave it alone, yes?" Seru suggested.
"I've got some work to do," Yumichika said. "I'm going to go finish it." He left quickly, just in case somebody decided to turn back on the screens- against everybody's better judgement.
"I'm gonna go see Kenny!" Yachiru said, leaving too. Ikkaku and Seru looked at each other.
"I'm not sticking around!" Ikkaku said quickly!
"Sure as hell I'm not either." Seru agreed. "I've got to go find the Maneru brothers. Who knows where they've got to?"
Both of them left, and as Seru locked the door she promised to herself that she would never, ever make Unohana angry. The woman might sing to her- which would be worse than all of the other tortures in the world. Her ears still hurt.
… I didn't know Unohana had such words in her vocabulary. I wonder what would happen if she broke one day and went psychopathic maniac on everyone… Funny! Or, even better, if she and Byakuya both broke and teamed up to go psychopathic maniac on everyone. I wanna see that! Tite Kubo, add that to Bleach! Please! I'll give you virtual cookies!
The Kurotsuchis are next! Both Nemu and Mayuri are going together- since they're usually always together anyways. Send questions! You'll get unlimited virtual cookies =)
Review, or I'll get Unohana to come and sing and dance for you! (No, I'm kidding, I'm not that mean). But review anyways!
Once again, I'm sorry this was so late! I'll try to do better with the next chapter!