*Author's Note/Disclaimer:
I do not own anything. Everything you recognize belongs to the beautiful and talented Ms. Rowling.
I had a hard time writing this chapter because I wasn't really sure how to go about writing certain characters. I was especially intimidated by Professor McGonagall so if you wonder why there wasn't more actual conversation with her, that's why.
Please review. I really would appreciate the feedback.
Lots of love always to my Lovely Betas ArtImitatesSex and Take –the-to-the-Pensive =)
Sev:
He watched her walk away after their confrontation and with her went all his hope and dreams for a life he had always wanted. Of course he had already known what her answer would be. He had always known that she didn't love him and could never love their child.
No, Lily Evans dreamed of a different life, a life where her friends and family could accept the man that she loved. He would never be that man. He had no desire to put on a smile and make polite conversation with people he didn't care for. "Not even for her?" that treacherous voice in the back of his head interjected. "Isn't she worth it?" Of course she was worth it! But how could he even start to go about being a different person? He had no idea how to feign pleasantries or socialize over tea. All he knew how to do was brew potions and invent dark curses, and perhaps make Lily Evans laugh.
He sighed knowing that all he would ever have of her was the night they spent together in the Room of Requirement. Would she ever let him kiss her or hold her again? It didn't matter, all he knew was she was his best friend and he wouldn't lose that. Their friendship meant more to him than anything. If she didn't want to be with him that was fine. He never expected her to anyways, but he would do whatever it took to preserve their friendship.
He was relieved to see her head in his direction after potions the next afternoon, and equally relieved to see that she no longer wore a mask of cold indifference. Instead she looked determined, and slightly concerned. When she joined him in the hallway they walked silently together both knowing that the other one was heading for their favorite archway so as to continue their discussion from the other day. When they arrived at their destination he turned to face her and before she could say anything he launched into his feeble ill prepared speech,
"Look, I'm not going to try and convince you of all the reasons we should be together. I know you don't love me the way that I want you to and I'm ok with that, but Lily, you're my best friend and even though you don't want to keep this baby and be a family with me that doesn't mean that I don't want to be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone. Please, just don't shut me out…Please let me be there for you. It's my baby too."
She looked stunned and for a moment he was certain that would tell him to bugger off and walk out of his life forever, but all of a sudden her face was buried in his chest and her body was rocking with silent sobs. He wrapped his arms protectively around her. He was never good at this sort of thing. He never had to be. Lily wasn't a girl to let things get to her. She didn't cry often. Not in front of him anyways, and he was thankful that in this moment she needed him to comfort her.
"Okay Sev." Was all she said and he thought his heart would explode in his chest. She had said yes. They were still friends. She wasn't going to shut him out of her life completely.
Suddenly the weight of their situation hit him full force. She wanted to finish school, she wanted a career. She wasn't ready to be a mother. He was glad that she had decided to put the baby up for adoption and equally glad that she didn't have to go through this whole process alone. They had started this together and he was not going to abandon her when she most needed him.
"Have you told anyone yet?" He inquired.
"Only madam Pomfrey." She replied. "She said that I'm about 12 weeks along and that the baby is due on December 21st , She promised not to say anything until I was ready."
He could tell she was scared. "Ok, we need to go to your Head of house and try and work out a plan. There are only a few weeks left of this school year. Maybe the Headmaster will let you do a home study type of program for next term and then come back after the Christmas holidays. I'll stay home too and we can study together. No one has to know if you don't want them to. "
He wiped a tear away from her cheek and thought to himself that he had never seen anything more beautiful in his life than this girl that he loved with tears rolling down her face and her eyes red and puffy.
Lily:
She felt silly crying in front of him. She couldn't ever remember letting him see her like this. All she wanted was to kiss him and run her fingers through his hair. But that was what had gotten them into this situation in the first place. Once in her whole life she let her guard down and decided to not be the sensible girl she was and her best friend got hurt and she ended up pregnant. "Great, she thought. Now I have to tell Professor Mcgonagall and the Headmaster. Not to mention my parents! They're going to be so disappointed." She thought miserably.
"Ok, that sounds like a good plan. I'll schedule a meeting with Professor McGonagall and we'll take it from there." She hesitated over what she said next, "Did you want to be there?" A part of her was scared that he would say no; that he would realize that he owed her nothing and would leave her to bear this burden all alone.
Instead, he took her hand in his and said "Of course I do."
Relief flooded through her and she threw her arms around his neck. "I'll see you at dinner Sev."
She broke their embrace and left toward the Gryffindor common room.
She met him in the corridor outside Professor McGonagall's office the next afternoon. And as they waited for the class of 3rd years to file out of the classroom the panic that had risen inside her wasn't so overwhelming with Severus by her side.
"Come on." He said, taking her hand and leading her through the classroom to Professor McGonangall's office.
"Miss Evans, Mr. Snape." She greeted them raising an inquiring eyebrow at Severus' presence.
"Hello Professor." She replied nervously.
"What can I do for you two this afternoon?"
Severus squeezed her hand encouragingly and she found the courage to form the next words to come out of her mouth, "Professor, I'm pregnant."
The meeting had gone better than Lily had expected it to go. While Professor McGonagall was understandably disappointed, she was also genuinely concerned and listened to Lily's plan with an open mind and when they three of them sat down with the Headmaster it was agreed that Lily would study her subjects from home for the first term so as to keep her pregnancy as relatively quiet as possible, and while she wouldn't actually be able to practice magic from home without supervision, Professor Mcgonagall offered to Floo to Lily's home twice a month on weekends so as to help her with her Transfiguration, Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts practical lessons. All the rest of her schoolwork she would complete by corresponding with each Professor individually.
Severus on the other hand was not granted permission to study from home. He was however given the opportunity to return home to visit Lily on the weekends given that he kept up with his classes and maintained at least an Exceeds Expectations average in all subjects. While Severus was not thrilled about returning to school without Lily, he was looking forward to spending the summer with her and returning back home to see her on weekends.
A few days before the end of term, Lily received a note from Professor Dumbldore:
Dear Lily,
If it is convenient to you, please accept my invitation for tea this afternoon to further discuss arrangements for the upcoming school year.
Most Sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore
P.S.
I like Fizzing Whizzbee's
Lily wasn't quite sure what to make of this invitation, but figured maybe she was reading too much into it and maybe the headmaster did just want to discuss their arrangements for the coming term. She scrawled a confirmation and went back to the Gryffindor Common Room to start packing. Tomorrow was their last day of classes and the end of term feast and she hated leaving her packing for the last minute.
When Lily went to see the Headmaster that afternoon she wasn't sure what to expect and as she said Fizzing Whizzbees to the ugly stone gargoyle she couldn't help but feel slightly apprehensive. She couldn't remember ever having to appear before the Headmaster, except of course the other day to discuss her pregnancy and her plan for the next term, and it made her nervous to appear before him now without Severus or Professor McGonagall or any real idea as to why she had been invited in the first place.
She knocked tentatively on the door and from within Professor Dumbledore's voice said "Come in."
As she stepped into the office, she was slightly relieved to see him smiling at her, his eyes twinkling as ever. He was sitting behind his massive desk with a tea service for two set before him. "Ah. Good afternoon Miss Evans. May I call you Lily?" He asked, "I feel silly addressing you so formally while we are sitting for tea. How do you take yours?"
"Yes of course Professor, two sugars and a splash of milk please." She replied still wondering why she was here.
As if he could read her mind Dumbledore said "You are probably wondering why I have summoned you here this afternoon." He said placing her tea in front of her and settling down in his chair before her.
"Yes I was actually." She admitted sipping her cup.
"Well, Lily..." He began "I am undeniably concerned about this whole situation. I am not angry if that's what you are thinking and you are not in trouble. But I feel as if I would be remiss if I didn't address the predicament at all and swept it under the rug as it were." He fixed her with a fatherly gaze that she knew was genuine and was relieved to realize that the whole reason for this meeting was none other than the Headmaster was concerned. "Now, is there anything you need?" He asked.
"Well, no sir, I don't think so. I'm just a little nervous about sitting down with my parents, but other than that I'm ok." She answered.
"Perfectly understandable Lily." The Headmaster responded. "Now would it make it any easier on you if myself or perhaps Professor Mcgonagall were to join you in your discussion with your parents? I'm sure they will have concerns themselves."
His offer surprised Lily. For some reason, she had expected him to be greatly disappointed and take the point of view that she "deserved what she got" for letting her hormones get the best of her. She was deeply touched by his offer to sit with her while she went about the enormous task of telling her parents that their sixteen year old daughter had gotten herself pregnant. But for some reason she felt that telling her parents by herself with Severus would be a better idea.
" Thank you for the offer Professor, but I think I can handle my parents on my own." She chuckled.
"Certainly my dear, certainly. Now about Severus Snape, I trust that if there were any instance of improper behavior, other than the obvious, on his part that you would inform Professor Mcgonagall or myself." His look of concern deepened and Lily was stunned to realize what the Headmaster was asking her.
"No!" She almost shouted. "No, of course not Sir. Severus isn't like that. We've been friends since we were children. He's my best friend. It was both of our faults." She explained "Really sir." She added hastily trying to convince him. When at last his gaze softened she released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding .
"Very well Lily. I believe you. Please be sure to owl myself or Professor Mcgonagall immediately if you should need anything this summer. I will be in touch regarding your classes and the required texts and materials closer to the start of the term. Now do you have any questions for me?" He asked.
"No Professor, thank you for the tea." She replied.
"You are very welcome Lily. Enjoy the end of term feast tomorrow, and do enjoy your summer as well." The old wizard said as he rose to walk her to the door of his office.
"Thank you sir, you too." She answered.
Sev:
The train ride back home from Hogwarts seemed shorter than it ever had before. Suddenly Severus was forced to realize that he was going to face Lily's parents as the teenager from down the road that impregnated their daughter. For the first time in his life he was anxious not only about what someone else would think of him but also of what that might mean. Would her parents forbid their friendship, would he not be allowed to spend time with Lily over the summer? Would he not get to be there for the birth of their child? Would he not get to say goodbye? And what about when this whole ordeal was over? Would Lily be forbidden to see him ever again? He hadn't bothered asking her these questions yet and he found that he was scared of what the answers might be.
Her gentle voice broke through his ponderings. "It's going to be okay Sev; they aren't going to hate you." He smirked at her ability to always seem to know just what he was thinking. He looked up into her face and found a mischievous smile there.
"I hope not." He replied. "I just don't want to be excluded from being there for you and the baby."
"I know Sev, just explain it just like that and I'm sure they'll be understanding." She hadn't convinced him but she seemed sure.
They were sure to be expecting something. After all Lily had written her parents and told them that Severus was going to be riding home with them from King's Cross and would be joining them for dinner as well. And she had also warned them that she had something of importance to discuss with them.
They knew who Severus was. He hadn't spent a whole lot of time in their home over the years but, being Lily's friend, he had been introduced to her parents a number of times and had even been to dinner once or twice during the summer and Christmas holidays but had never accompanied them home from King's Cross, or joined them for dinner immediately after. He was apprehensive to say the least.
When the train at last pulled into the station and they greeted Lily's parents, Severus was relieved that they greeted him warmly and welcomed him home from Hogwarts and also that Lily's sister Petunia was absent from the reunion. Petunia had always despised Severus and she was intensely jealous of Lily. This made her spiteful toward her sister and Severus himself. He suspected that deep down; Petunia herself wished that she had received a Hogwarts letter all those years ago.
The ride home went by quickly with Lily's parent's asking all about the goings on at Hogwarts and how they thought they did in their exams and would Severus care to invite his parents to dinner as well?
"No thank you, I think they have other plans for tonight." was his response.
When they finally arrived at Lily's house her parents set about making dinner. It was strange to him to see them interact lovingly. Smiling, laughing, joking, moving about the kitchen together with an ease that could only come from spending years together and actually being in love. He wasn't used to it. His own parents' relationship was so damaged and poisoned he was sure they would never be anything other than cold, distant, and cruel toward one another. Suddenly he hated his father. Hated him for what he had done to his mother, how he treated her, what he had taken away from her. He would've liked to have gotten to know his mother as she was before his father had made her snap her wand and spent the subsequent years being abusive and cruel to her, breaking her spirit.
Dinner was pleasant, Severus found it surprisingly easy to sit and make conversation with the Evans's especially since Lily's sister had not come home for dinner. The meal was delicious and the small talk that surrounded it was not as mundane and pointless as he usually found small talk to be. Lily's father was interested in Severus's aspirations for the future and her mother asked politely after his parents and when he gave elusive answers she did not pry. As dinner wound down and everyone settled into the family room, Severus grew more and more anxious. He hoped that it didn't show as they made their way from the dining room to the family room, everyone's mood sobering.
Lily's parents set themselves on the loveseat across from them and Severus noted that they had apprehension etched on both their faces.
"Mum, dad…" Lily started "This isn't easy to say, but there isn't really any other way to say it, so I'm just going to say it. I'm pregnant."
Her parents exchanged incredulous looks before turning back to their daughter, and Severus himself.
Her father recovered first "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure…I'm sorry daddy." She added to the floor unwilling to meet his eyes.
"Are you the father young man?" Her mother asked.
Severus was surprised to hear disappointment mingled with concern in her voice instead of the disdain he was expecting. "Yes ma'am." He replied, not really knowing what else to say short of "I'm sorry I knocked your daughter up." which he was sure would turn their opinion of him for the worse.
"Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Her father asked.
"We're going to give the baby up for adoption." Lily replied.
"That's a very hard decision to make darling, are you sure that's what you want to do?" Lily's mother asked them, her voice still full of concern.
Lily turned to Severus and her eyes seemed to say "I'm sorry." just like he knew his must be saying "Please…"
"Yes, we're sure." She answered. "I want to finish school, and have a career…" She trailed off.
"Well, we are going to support you no matter the circumstances, you do know that right Lily?" Her father reassured her rising from his seat next to mother and pulling his daughter into a warm embrace.
"Thank you daddy." She muttered into his chest.
"And what about school?" Her mother inquired
Lily told them in great detail the plan she had outlined with Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore and assured them that if they had any questions either one would be happy to answer their owls.
"Now, what of your parents Severus, have you told them yet?" Her mother asked him.
He hadn't even thought about how his parents might react to this whole situation. He doubted it would even register to them. His father was always drunk and his mother had fallen into a severe depression over the past few years. The news that he had fathered a child with his best friend and they had decided to put it up for adoption would surely only drive his mother deeper into her despair and was sure to give fuel to his father's bitter alcohol fueled verbal abuse.
"No, I haven't yet ma'am, but I will." he paused not sure if what he was planning on saying next was the right thing to say at all but he figured now was the best time to say anything "I care very much about your daughter, she's been my best friend the past six years and I would very much like to be able to spend as much time with her as possible throughout the pregnancy. I understand that our behavior has been inappropriate for our age and that you are probably very disappointed, but this is my baby as well and I would like to be involved….that is, if it's alright with you."
"I appreciate that young man. And you are welcome in this home as long as Lily will have you, however, there will be rules to follow, I hope you can understand that."
"Yes sir, I can understand that and I assure you I will abide by whatever rules you feel the need to enforce." Severus replied not believing his luck.
The rules were simple.
Severus was not allowed to be over past midnight, and he was not to be upstairs past ten o'clock in the evening. Other than that however, the Evans's were fairly lenient with the whole situation much to Severus's relief.
The only person who seemed to be outraged was Petunia. Severus had expected this reaction from her of course. She despised everything about him and she was deeply jealous of her sister. He had no doubt that Petunia felt that had it been her that had come home from school pregnant her parents would have disowned her on the spot. Severus doubted this very much himself, but he was sure that's what Petunia thought.
Among other things she was absolutely enraged that her sister had not been reprimanded in any way except to be told that her "boyfriend" could not be upstairs past ten at night and was allowed to stay till midnight. She often started arguments involving the whole household that reduced Lily to tears because her sister had called her whore, slut, and all other manner of hurtful names.
On occasions such as this Severus was glad that Lily's parents had agreed that he be allowed to spend time in their home so that Lily had him to turn to whenever Petunia was being a bitch about everything. He wanted nothing more than to curse her into oblivion, but she was still Lily's sister and he knew that Lily loved her and hoped to repair their relationship one day.
He wondered how it would be once he had to return to Hogwarts. He worried that Petunia's continued cruelness and bitter outbursts would have negative effects on Lily and their baby. He was therefore relieved when one day he showed up after breakfast to find that Lily's parents and sister were gone and she was waiting for him under the tree on the front lawn smiling and quite obviously bursting to tell him good news. "Petunia is gone for the rest of the year." She hadn't even waited for him to get past the front gate.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"Well, my parents told her that if she couldn't be a supportive and productive part of the family, that she couldn't stay here any longer." She explained. My mum called my Aunt and Uncle who live in Bristol and asked them if Petunia could stay with them until I returned to Hogwarts."
"How did she take it?" Severus asked not quite able to contain his grin.
"She was upset, but she said that she would rather go live with family who didn't spoil their whore of a daughter anyways." She said calmly.
"I'm sorry she said that about you." He said quietly. Severus knew it must have hurt her to hear her sister say that.
"I honestly don't care anymore. I'm so tired of her hysterics. All I want to do is focus on getting through this pregnancy and finding a couple who will love this baby." She said not quite able to mask the sadness in her voice.
"So, what do you want to do today?" He said determined to make her happy for the rest of the day.
She smiled up at him, oh how he loved to see her smile and he found himself wondering if their baby would have her smile.
"O I don't know, I've been craving chocolate chip cookies, fancy watching me try to bake?" she asked laughing at herself as she started toward the house. Her laughter rang through the air and it seemed to make his heart swell.
"Please don't burn the house down." He teased causing her to laugh even harder.
He followed her across the lawn and wondered vaguely if this was what life would be like with her. He then realized that he would never really know what life with her would be like. She didn't want her life to look like this with him. She only wanted friendship from him and nothing more. He tried to remember that as he climbed the front steps and for the rest of the day, their one beautiful afternoon together three and a half months before screaming to be remembered in the back of his consciousness.