Chapter: 26

The next day found Willow sitting on a bench under a tree in the school's court yard, trying to read but only the memories of the ritual from the night before penetrated her brain. Many of the visions were to distract her, but she had seen into Giles and Ms. Calendar's souls. That couldn't be disputed even if she wanted it to be since that meant that they had saw into hers. For a moment, she had looked into Angel's soul. She had even dreamed about it. Angelus and Angel had been two sides of a complex coin and she had been a poker player eager to beat the house. When she woke up, she could still imagine the echoes of past that had barreled through her like a freight train.

A shadow passed over her book and she looked up to see Oz. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

Oz had a black eye and bandages around his wrists. His stoic eyes were warm as he looked at her. A small smile lingered on his thin lips. "Good. You? I saw Angel carry you to the car."

"Oh, I'm fine. Just woke up hungry." She smiled. "Wasn't anything that a batch of smiley faced pancakes couldn't cure."

He nodded and looked over at the horizon. "I owe you one."

Willow frowned, squinting as she studied Oz's freshly dyed green hair. There wasn't a hint of natural color around his hair line and the coverage was even. "You do that yourself?"

Oz nodded.

"Could you do me a favor them?" Willow asked as she visualized hair colors. "Meet me tonight at my house around six thirty."

000

After school, Willow walked into her Mom's office in the attic with a question on her lips that died as she looked over her mother's shoulder to see what she was surfing on the internet- The Sunnydale Herald's obituary section. Xeroxed newspaper articles cluttered the normally tidy desk. Willow saw the headline of one that mentioned 'neck rupture.' "Hey, mom..."

Her mother jumped in her seat, reading glasses almost falling off her nose, as she turned around. "Oh, Willow, you scared me. What are you doing home?"

"School's over?" Willow said with a smile. "What are you working on?" She leaned over to get a better look.

Gathering up the papers, her mother shook her head. "Oh, just a project."

"Is this is a real estate brochure?" Willow reached for a glossy pamphlet but her mom covered it with the stack of papers.

"Project." She said shortly. "Did you want something?"

Willow nodded, putting aside her curiosity, before saying, "I'm having a friend come over for a bit after dinner. We'll be hanging out back."

"Sounds lovely. Its good you're socializing again." Her mother smiled but her eyes drifted back to her computer screen. "Mommy still has to work though."

"Okay." Willow left with the hopes that her mom's project kept her occupied while Oz was here. Her Dad said something about a lecture at the local college so maybe she would have a night without bingo or charades or big fake smiles. A night for herself.

ooo

The moon hung full and low over them as Willow and Oz were sitting on the steps of the back deck that took up most of the Rosenberg's small suburban yard. Willow wore an old stained shirt as the dye set. A chemical smell stung the air. A lull in the conversation brought up an odd Oz-ian tension.

"Why brunette?" He asked as he looked ahead into the gloom.

She felt her throat tighten when the memory of Angelus twirling a strand of her hair around his finger came to mind. They had been laying in the bed together as he recited dark poetry. She could hear his words as if he was murmuring them all over again, 'You have beautiful hair. So red and long. Don't change it.' She sighed. "I didn't have much luck as a redhead maybe I might as a brunette." Without looking at him, she asked, "why green?"

He smiled. "Why not?"

"You're a good guy, Oz." Willow said, elbows on her knees, chin in her clasped hands. "Its too bad that we never got to really hang before."

"I know." There were volumes hidden in his words and she knew then that he had liked her. Maybe more than liked her, but there was nothing they could do about that now. Too much had changed.

The wind whipped through the trees as the egg timer between them went off with a buzz and chime.

They looked at each before Oz stood up, discomfort on his face, putting his hands in his pockets. "You ought to rinse that out and put the conditioner in. I had better go."

She nodded before thanking him and leading him to the door with a single goodbye.

When she showered, she thought of his honest face and good intentions and felt herself fill with useless wishes.

It was all for nothing in the end, she thought as she changed in her barren bedroom. She could remember the day they moved to Sunnydale when she was five to get out of their small Los Angeles apartment. Willow had ran inside, ahead of her parents, and up the stairs. She had known that she had wanted the room with the balcony and big tree outside it. Though the years, the posters had changed and girl had grown up but the room stayed the same. Willow looked around her and knew what she had to do. She grabbed the phone and dialed before holding the handset between her ear and her shoulder, and pulled on socks and tennis shoes. "Hey, Buffy. Need a patrol buddy?"

Willow kept her radio on low and tip toed down the hall, it was odd having to sneak out of her house, since she used to be able to walk out while whistling a jaunty tune if she wanted, but the door to the attic stairs was closed and the light on. Her mom was still hard at work on her project and her dad was at a lecture slash dinner at UC Sunnydale. She figured she would be back in an hour but she left a note explaining she was 'hanging' with Buffy in case anyone checked in on her. Sometimes her parents would walk into her room, looking at her like they were making sure she was still there. Her father did that the most and it was heartbreaking to see his relief when his eyes fell on her. Willow walked out the door to find Buffy across the street from her house. She waved and then held her finger to her lips.

Buffy smiled and waved with a stake in her hand before gesturing to Willow's hair and mouthing silent words of shock and awe.

The two girls walked down the block before either spoke.

"Your hair!" Buffy leaned in closer to see it in the street light as they walked towards the nearest park. "I love it."

"Thanks." Willow took a deep breath breath. "While my shiny new hair is a third of why I asked to tag along on patrol, I had another reason besides that and, of course, the karma points."

"Spill." Buffy looked serious.

"Some girl time was necessary." Willow nodded with a sigh. "I need to be more serious about the hellmouth. Before Angelus, it was scary but we were always bounced back and scraped by in the nick of time. It never..." She twisted her hands as she trailed off. "I escaped from the mansion with magic and I think I should learn more. Learn to protect myself and be more of a help to you too. I know that we hold you back sometimes. I've calculated that my side-kicking could improve at least thirty percent with magic. There is almost a science to it." Willow crossed her arms and then pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "Ms. Calendar says she'll train me."

"You're like an Eagles song now. I'm all for Proactive Willow. " Buffy smiled and bumped her shoulders against Willow's. "I checked out the Slayer manual after we got Oz home last night. There was a lot of mystical yadda yadda that seemed witchy to me in it. Maybe you could help me with it." Buffy shrugged. "I think you're right about the moral of the story. Normalcy is off the menu."

Willow smiled big and pulled Buffy in for a hug. "Want to help me with my booty kicking skills? My dad wants me to take a self-defense class. Ooo, and after class, we can talk magic shop while we get mochas."

"Sounds like a caffeinated dream." The girls walked down the street, talking about nothing in particular, but it meant the world to both of them.

When Willow came back home, she waved good bye to Buffy before going into the turned around and looked over her neighborhood. There was something that she had to do while she still felt like 'Proactive Willow' because she knew that she would chicken out later. Visions of visions tumbled through her mind. She walked to the garage and opened it up before taking a deep breath as she backed up to look at the attic window. No curious mother peered back at her.

Her bike had developed a fine layer of dust while she had been gone. She brushed off the seat before she looked over to the corner where her mom had kept all the debris from her room. Willow wanted a clean start, but she kept dragging around the baggage of the past. She let her parents drive her everywhere, she let her friends keep her inside, and she let herself stay cocooned from the world. She repressed all those horrible feelings and memories but she couldn't keep doing that if she wanted to be free of them. A new hair color and some witch lessons weren't going to change who she was or what she had been through. She'd have to face her fears because in Sunnydale, there was always another monster around the corner. She learned that much from yesterday.

Willow put the kick stand up and walked the bike out before closing the garage down as quietly as she could. Nighttime rides weren't the best idea in Sunnydale, but she had a stake and her 'Resolve Face' on. Her mother didn't look out the attic window so Willow hopped on her bike and forced herself to pedal towards the address in Sunnydale that she feared the most.

Crawford Street turned out to be less than ten minutes away by bike. Willow had avoided the street since she had come home. That made it a surprise to find it so California quaint with its roaring twenties style homes and mature oaks. Her room had been on the east side and only had a view of the next house's yard. She wondered if any of the neighbors knew who they lived next door to. Like a nest of vipers that lay coiled between the grasses and rocks, the vampires had hidden themselves in plain sight. She hadn't looked back at the house when she had escaped through the back, but she knew exactly which house it was when she pedaled up the driveway. Looking at the modernist twenties design, she made herself breathe while parking the bike and thought, 'I lived here for weeks and I never knew what the front looked like.'

Every step to the door felt leaden as if her feet were fighting her brain's commands. She bit her lip and told herself that he probably wasn't home and that she should come back in the daytime when he was sure to be there. Willow steeled herself and knocked.

Angel opened the door and took a small step back. He blinked. "Willow."

"Me." She waved. Pulling on a blank face was easier than she would have thought. Willow straightened her shoulders. "Can I come in?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Angel opened the door wider to show the bare and dark antechamber. Shadows laid across his face

"Limited seating, huh." Willow shrugged. "We can talk out here, but maybe, we should be sitting."

"That is what people do." Angel nodded and stepped forward. His eyes focused on her damp hair before he looked into her eyes. "How can I help you?"

Willow sat on the stoop and forced herself not to stiffen when he sat beside her. Feeling the first jolts of the craving, she tried to remember the breathing exercises that Giles had tried to teach her. "Its not how you can help me, its how I can help me and, well, you too, I think." She looked up to the starry sky where the milky way streaked bright against the cosmos. She'd watched the sky in those lonely nights at the mansion and wondered what else was going on under the stars. Willow must have made wishes on all of them. Meaningless wishes that hadn't came true. in the end, there was only what they could do. What could she do if she let the past weigh her down? She hated feeling tired from anger and sadness, she wanted that heavy burden off her heart. Willow didn't want to unpack her emotional baggage, she wanted to chuck it out on the curb. It couldn't be done in a night but she had to start somewhere. "Last night, for a split second, I saw inside you. Not like your skeleton or anything, but Angelus, Angel, the whole shebang in thrilling technicolor. I saw the goodness in your soul." She looked at his face and waited until he met her eyes. "I saw the people you would save, the ones you took in, the lives that you changed. You'll make mistakes and stumble, but you're like a weeble wooble, you always get back up." She smiled at him and could have cried from the guarded hope on Angel's face. "That is why I forgive you. Truly." She leaned in closer. "You're worth forgiveness, Angel."

Angel couldn't speak for a moment. He looked so serious as he looked at her and searched her face. "You really believe that?"

She nodded. "I know it."

"I hope you are right." Angel bowed his head, seeming to collect himself, before he raised his head with his usual stoic expression. "But what if it was just a trick?"

"Of all my thoughts, that was the first, but you saved my life again. You helped save the god fearing folk of Utah too. There is good in you and I don't need visions to show me that." Willow tried to smile. "Besides there was truth in that big acid test even if it was taken out of context to give us the wiggins."

Angel put his elbows on his knees and formed a triangle with his hands. "After all that you saw, after all I've done, how can you still forgive me?"

"I have too." Willow nodded and rubbed her hands on her arms to ward off the night's chill. Angelus had changed her forever and took away more than just a few weeks of her life, but Angelus was gone and she had to stop looking over her shoulder as if he was there. Besides if she could forgive Angel, she could forgive her mother, Buffy, the Sunnydale PD, and the whole world for being a horrible place even with demons subtracted out of the equation. She'd be able to forgive herself. "I can't live my life scared and angry." She touched his hands with her fingertips. "You can't move forward either, if you can't find a way to live with yourself. Wonky and brief as it was, I saw your search for atonement and to do good. Don't hold back on that."

"I'm moving to Los Angeles." Angel focused on where their hands met. His shoulders tensed under his black cotton T-shirt. A remote look drifted onto his face.

She just realized how close they were sitting next to each other on the stoop stair. Willow brought her hand back to her lap, trying to keep the effects of the Lingering Kiss down, and took a deep breath. "Why Los Angeles?"

"Because I'm not needed here, but a city that size needs someone fighting in the dark. I'm not the hero it needs." Angel shrugged, head bowed, shadows covering his face. "All I have are hands to help. "

"See, you're wrong, you are the hero it needs. Its exactly what I saw." Willow smiled. As Angel had spoke of his plans, she felt her tension fade. This was why she had to forgive Angel because he deserved it. He wasn't separate from Angelus, but he was different. One day he needed to understand that. "Don't be a stranger, Angel, when you get settled, let us know." She stood and put her hand out.

Angel looked bemused when he shook her hand. His usual tormented expression had dimmed like he could see a sea gull after years at sea. "Thank you, Willow."

She walked to her bike before she looked around. Willow tried not to think about it, but in many ways, she felt sorry for Angel. He had the crappy luck of the Irish combined with Sunnydale's own brand of suckage. "I know you can't see it now, but you're a hero at the end of the day."

Angel nodded and held his hand up in a still wave. A hint of smile on his face.

"Goodbye, Angel." Willow got onto her bike before turning around and pedaling down the street. She knew that Angel would shadowed her in the darkness to make sure that she got home safe, but it didn't bother her. It was who he was. Willow sped to her house, the ride lighter and quicker, as she felt some more of the pressure fall away. That chapter in their lives was finally over.

000

The mosquitoes and moths crowded around the front garage light and created soft shadows as Willow opened up the manual door. She walked between the sedan and the boxes of holiday decorations along the wall to where five black trash bags slumped in a corner. They were filled with the ruins of the first seventeen years of her life. Willow put her hands on her hips and took a ragged breath before she covered her mouth with her fingertips, feeling her throat tighten. She had to get rid of it- all of it.

Sweating as she lugged the heavy trash bags from her garage to the curb, Willow felt cold droplets drip from her still damp hair down her neck like so many tears she had cried over the last weeks. She turned her back on the last bag and wiped her forehead as she looked up at her balcony.

When she dreamed that night, she dreamed of a country crossroads at night. Wildflowers closed up their buds while crickets chirped in the swaying grasses. Civilization couldn't be seen in any of the four directions – not a light, not a house.

Drusilla stood at the center in a white dress that shimmered in the moonlight. The vampire shifted into her demon guise and held out her hands. "He tried to snuff out your light, bright as a butterfly and just as fragile, but you made the story yours in the end." Drusilla flickered and dimmed before leaving Willow alone with a final suggestion. "Be bold and strike hard."

She looked behind her on the path and saw Angelus, motionless in his silk shirt and leather pants, but she wasn't afraid. Ahead of her was an empty road that stretched for miles in the horizon. Willow stared at the moon in sky, more like a back drop of midnight blue silk than billions of galaxies and dark matter, before she smiled. He was gone, but if he ever came back, she would be ready. She wasn't a damsel in distress anymore.

Willow took the first step forward and then the next and the next.

The End

Author Notes:

Thank you, mysticwolf, olansamuelle, and Lisa Kelley for your past and future beta assistance! I want to thank all the people who have loyally reviewed my story and gave such great feedback like velvetwhip, rua1412 (who also made fab cover art), Cesci, Voldemortfollower, Malfoy-Lover555, snapesredneko, elliesmeow, and Blood Red Kisses. Your comments made me smile. Thanks again.

I still can't believe that I have finished this fic. I have been working on PL since 2004. This novel tops out at over 75,000 words and is my longest piece to date. I wrote it in starts and stops as I worked on other projects but I made it my 2010 New Year's Resolution to finish Porphyria's Lover. I thought it wouldn't get larger than a novella at most in the beginning but it outgrew its original outline and now clocks in at 308 pages (double spaced, 12 point font.) Its like a core sample of the evolution of my writing, my longest running WIP, and first finished novel, fan or original. I started it when I was 16 and I think that, despite being different than what younger me intended, my 16 year old self would be ecstatic that I completed it. Thank you to everyone who has read and commented over the years. I hope you enjoy the sequel, The Last Duchess, to be posted in 2011. Don't worry, guys, I already finished the rough draft of that one so it shouldn't take six years. I hope you have enjoyed the ride. :)