"…Then I realized that even though I originally thought of my motivations as altruistic," Maura explained, handing over the list for Dr. Sorin's perusal, "almost all of them had secondary, or in some cases equally strong, motivations that were entirely based in self-interest." She sighed, twisting an otherwise unused tissue into a wad. "That's a sign of codependency, isn't it?"
Taking the offered paper from her hand, the psychiatrist quietly read the detailed list before saying anything. Instead of answering her question, however, he asked one of his own as he eyes remained on the page in his hand. "Do you feel the creation of this list helped you in anyway?"
Maura's legs crossed daintily at the ankle, slanted slightly off to one side. "I think it's hard for me to know what helps me anymore," she admitted, barely looking up at the kind face of this man who asked such hard questions, questions she could never have studied for. "I think that I do so much for so many, but it's all for me at the base of it, and now I don't know what's really for me, what's for Jane, or what's for other people. Is that ridiculous? It feels ridiculous, and selfish, and… and horrible to think that all this time, I've wanted to help Jane for my sake."
Sorin folded the list, placing it on the table beside him as he listened. As Maura finished her dialogue, he shook his head gently no. "I believe you'll find every relationship one has with another is mutually selfish. Healthy relationships are also mutual beneficial as well. The question here, Maura, is, perhaps several fold." He glanced down at his notes quickly. Standing, he moved to the sideboard to pour two cups of coffee.
"Do you feel," he began as he brought the coffee back on a tray along with matching china bowls of sugar and creamer. There was also, to one side of the tray, a salt shaker. "Do you feel that you want that type of relationship with Jane? A healthy relationship that is both mutually selfish and mutually beneficial? Do you feel you would be able remain in such a relationship with Jane, as opposed to the type of relationship you have now with her? Would it be as fulfilling for you?" He set the tray down between them on the coffee table and motioned for her to attend to her drink as she pleased while they continued their talk.
It was a legitimate question, and though she thought it over to be certain she understood both the question and her answer, the answer she gave in the end was the same one she'd had when immediately she'd heard the query. "I want to be healthy. I want Jane to be healthy. I want us to be healthy. Together. In whatever capacity, I think we have that potential, and I want to… I want us to be everything that we're capable of being, while benefiting us both to the same degree. There's nothing that I can think of that I want more than that."
With a nod of his head, Sorin settled back into his chair with coffee in hand. "Those are admirable goals, and, I think, healthy." He gave a gentle smile, using her words to both reassure and acknowledge. "Maura, I'd like for you to take a moment to consider, based on your list, what you feel you should do moving forward to reach those goals. Do you think there is anything you could do either for or with Jane to start moving towards that ends where the means did not follow in the same vein of everything you've listed here?" He gently tapped his notebook, indicating he was still speaking of the list.
Belatedly, Maura picked up her coffee cup and adulterated the brew with a little cream, then picked up another little bottle, absentmindedly shaking its contents into her cup. "Well, tonight Jane's supposed to come to her mother's weekly gnocchi night. She's missed a few, both for health and because she's been on cases, but also because of the drinking. But she promised Angela for tonight, which means that she knows if she doesn't show up, her mother will bother her until her new activity comes to light. She wouldn't dare miss it, unless she's trying to be discovered drunk."
A little more shaking, and Maura set down the salt shaker and started to stir, still oblivious. "Angela's teaching me to make the fettuccini, and she always convinces Jane to help in the kitchen as well. Maybe while we're in there, working together, things will be a little easier. I don't want to give her anything she could interpret as an attack or accusation right now, not about the drinking. Maybe I could… I don't know. Invite her to stay over afterward for movie night? Netflix sent us a chick flick and an action movie to look at, and she might like to see one or both. No pressure, no nagging. Just friends. I miss that." She took a sip from her coffee and was nearly successful in suppressing the expression of disgust. "Oh. Oh, that is dreadful."
"Yes, I find salt in one's coffee is often distasteful." Taking the cup from her hand, Sorin went back to the sideboard to pour a fresh, unsalted cup. He sat down, handing her the fresh cup of coffee while picking up the salt shaker with his empty hand. "My apologies. Sometimes, when one is distracted by important things, one misses the smaller details. I'm afraid I neglected to remove this from the tray before I brought it over." He quietly set the shaker on the table beside him before picking his notebook up again and making a small notation on the page. "The plan sounds true to your goal. How do you feel about the possibility of Jane declining your offer?"
"Sad," Maura replied as she drank from the cup, this time not trusting herself with cream and sugar. The face she made from the bitterness was not quite as offended as the one she'd made with the salt. "Mostly afraid, though. I'd like to believe that one day wouldn't make a difference, but I can't be so neglectful anymore. Maybe if I'd seen the patterns earlier, and then had or made the opportunity to speak about it at the time instead of waiting, Jane wouldn't be hurting so much now. I think I should speak up now, before I lose all hope of saving us both."
"You speak in the plural almost exclusively when you speak of the relationship between you and Jane, even when asked a direct question about what you, specifically, are feeling." He leaned forward, gently taking the cup from Maura's hand and, in an almost fatherly gesture, adding the cream and sugar for her before handing it back. "Can you think of a reason why this is?"
As she accepted the cup with gratitude, Maura considered the reasons. This time she did not sip, but held the cup in both hands, ignoring the saucer in favor of warming her fingers around the thin ceramic curve. "I don't… Well. Clearly it's because I see us as a unit. We may be a little fractured right now, but we're BFFs. LLBFFs, even. We're two of the few women who work in BPD's Homicide division. We have yoga class together, when Jane attends. We run together, when she's… And, you know, we spend, spent, a lot of our time together, both professionally and socially. We double dated often before the shooting. We even play for the same team."
Sorin checked his notes and nodded once to himself. "Indeed," he murmured.
"We play softball," Maura explained helpfully, clueless and oblivious as to the euphemism she had just delivered. "I'm not very good at throwing, and I'm not technically a cop, but Jane still fought to get me put on her team. I think and analyze quickly, and she says shortstop is a thinking man's position. I almost always at least get on base, and I run well."
Sorin's pokerface remained enviably intact. "For next week's session," he easily shifted gears, "I would like for you to make a list of everything, outside of the confines of what is required of you for your professional working relationship, you once did with Jane. Be as detail oriented as I know you tend to be." His face shifted from neutral to concerned for just the briefest of moments before the mask came back. "If you feel the need to contact me in between now and then, you have my information. Please do not hesitate to contact me, day or night."