Disclaimer: I don not own twilight or it's characters

(I don't know if every chapter will have songs like this, but I keep finding more and more songs that fit what I'm writing about. Hopefully by the end of this story you'll have a really good soundtrack to read it to.)

Give me Novacaine by: Green Day

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than air,
I'll tell you why

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Chapter 2

My daughter was alive, I couldn't believe such a thing was even possible. I have a lot of regrets in my life, I guess that's why even after everything I had experienced, I still went through with the change. Maybe I figured that only a lifetime of guilt could make up for the things that I've done. Maybe it's because I was sick of being weak, sick of feeling helpless. They gave me a new body, perfect, strong, beautiful, and unbreakable. The trade off was my soul, my feelings, my emotions. A fair trade, or so I thought. This new revelation, my abandoned child still breathing, came with a lot more questions. The first of course was how?

The time for answers however would not be today, as quickly as Jacob had came in, he left just as fast. Planted his bomb, and waited for it to explode. He left me with a number where I could reach him, but that was all. I'm sure he was worried about how much he could actually tell me, and with our history I couldn't blame him. The day was drawing to a swift close, and through my blacked out windows I could feel night approaching. It was time to feed, that was the only thing that would make this bearable. I needed to feel someone under my touch, I needed to drink.

Normally I would go to a bar, find some drunken shmuck and give him the hope of getting laid, not tonight. I didn't feel like rubbing elbows with the poor and lonely tonight. No, tonight I was going to hunt. I was going to feel the adrenaline of catching prey, I wanted to hear their screams, feel their terror and sorrow, if only to mask my own. The sky was purple when I exited my office, the streets were gleaming from the rain that had fallen all day. I could smell the filth, taste the trash, and hear the sobs of the miscreants that inhabited my concrete prison. In the distance I heard heavy breathing, this was always a good sign. I mostly hunted when the screams found their way back in my head, and when they did there was nothing better than a good old fashioned heroine addict to kill. The heavy breathing gave it away, in my area of town it only meant one thing, someone was getting loaded. I ran over to the sweet sound and found a girl in her mid twenties, dirty with her skin only hanging on by bones. Her ripped clothes, disheveled hair, and the circles under her eyes gave it away, she was a junkie, and more than a year under her belt was my guess.

She looked at me with those glazed over eyes but her heartbeat didn't change pace. The needle was still sticking out of her arm, the juice was fresh in her veins, this was exactly what I needed. My actions were quick, probably unseen by normal human eyes, but the girl felt them. As my teeth sank into her neck and I began to draw out the sweet tainted blood of this "innocent" girl I heard the scream try and leave her body. It only came out in a whimper, pity, but the blood would be enough. Vampire's can only drink blood, everything else makes us sick, so booze, or drugs are out of the question. For a vampire to get the effects of such a crutch it needs to come from the blood of a human who has had those drugs.

So as I drank I started to feel the rush, as this girls blood ran down my throat I felt the tingles all over my body. The warming feeling that drowned out my pain. She was thin, but there was enough blood in her to satisfy me. And when I felt her body go limp, saw the light leave her eyes, I propped her back up on the wall like she had been before, closed her eyes, and sat down next to her. Passersby would think she was sleeping and I could enjoy the feeling of not feeling right here in this dingy back alleyway. I shut my eyes and let the dope take over, this was bliss.

I guess my mind had other plans however, as soon as I shut my eyes I saw myself looking into the mirror. My belly was no longer flat, it had a small bump and when I placed my hands there I saw myself smile. The smile was quickly wiped away when I noticed where I was, I wasn't in the alley anymore, I was in a starch white bathroom, too well lit to hide anything. My memory was taking over my brain, I knew what was about to happen. It was two months after my mission had been completed, and it had been years since I had seen his face. I remember it being the only thing I was looking forward to, the only thing that could make sense of the pain I was feeling. I also remember being scared; his reaction to my "condition" was paramount to me holding on to my sanity. The meeting was about to start so I made my way to the debriefing room, guards were posted everywhere, and because I was human, they all looked at me, but because I was pregnant they all shunned me. One of the guards opened the door to my designated room and I walked in to a meeting that had already begun. Ten, maybe twelve vampires were seated around a long black conference table, and when I entered their eyes shot right to me. They didn't meet my eye line though; they simply looked at my stomach.

It was up to this meeting whether or not I would get what I had wanted for the past six years of my life. It was up to these thousand year old men and women to decide whether my time spent was worth turning me or not. I quickly searched the room for the one person I was really waiting to see. I spotted him at the end of the table, his head was down, he wouldn't look at me.

"Come sit down Bella," a blond vampire said and gestured to a seat next to a vampire who looked like she was ten years old.

As soon as I was seated the meeting began, "So we all know why we are here, correct?" everyone nodded. "Good, so lets get this show on the road. Bella swan, your mission in Forks was a success, we are grateful for the time you spent there. However, we do have some questions about your time table."

"I understand," I said.

"Most of your peers executed their mission statement within a year or two in the field. You took six, any particular reason why?"

"I was trained well sir, but they didn't seem to trust me."

One of the vampires opened up a file in front of him, "The first couple of months you were there you said you had made contact with a member, isn't that right?"

"Yes sir," I said feeling more and more scared.

"So again, why did it take so long to complete your task?"

"He trusted me sir, but he didn't get the approval from the rest of the members for some time." What I was telling was true, Jacob was the first person I made contact with in Forks, and it wasn't easy gaining his trust.

"How long?" Edward finally talked.

"It took me about six months to gain his trust. Another year before he even introduced me to his 'friends.'" My hand started to shake, Edward still wasn't looking at me.

"After you met them," Edward said, his voice was cold, unfeeling.

"probably another three months before they outted themselves sir."

"So almost two years and you had your information. Yet we didn't receive any notice or updates for another four. Explain." Edward shot me a cold stare, his eyes groped at my soul, pull out any sense of comfort I had in this unfamiliar room.

"Yes sir," I put my head down, this wasn't going to go where I had wanted it to.

"So what did you do with the rest of your time there?" another vampire spoke.

"I got too involved sir," This was what they were waiting for, this was what they were going to base their judgment on.

"We can all see that," Edward spoke again, "that parasite growing in your stomach, who does it belong to?"

"Jacob Black," I said, and tried with all of my might to fight back the tears.

One of the vampire's started to search through his papers again, "Jacob Black…he was your first contact."

"Yes sir."

"He's not on the death sheet," The vampire told Edward.

"I don't need to hear anymore." Edward said standing up, "Against my better judgment I will grant you the change. However, there will be some stipulations."

My heart skipped, he would forgive me, he would love me again, "Anything sir."

"In your contract you stated that I was the only one that you requested to present you with the change. I unfortunately cannot grant you this, there are other things I must see to and I have no time to babysit a newborn vampire." He turned his back on me and I let the tears fall. "Second we must deal with that," He pointed to my belly, "It's against our laws to change a pregnant woman, especially one impregnated with the dogs seed, we just don't know what kind of monster that will produce. So you have two choices, either get rid of it now, or carry it to full term then get rid of it. Either way, when you come back for the change there had better not be a baby inside or around you, do you understand?"

I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what I was thinking in the first place; if what I wanted was to be with Edward for always and eternity why didn't I get rid of it when I first learned about it. Maybe at the time I thought it would be a way to remember him, Jacob, hold on to a piece of him, but that was just naive. "It's too far along to get rid of now sir," I finally said. In that moment I made up my mind, I wouldn't condemn this child to death for my mistakes, but I wouldn't burden it with an unbearable life it would surely have living with me. I would change; I would live forever in my guilt, which would be my penance. "I'll come back after the baby is born sir."

"Okay," Edward said, "I'll set up the time and place for your change and I'll assign you a babysitter."

"What am I to do with the baby once I've had it," I said.

"Figure it out, I don't really care."

I felt the memory fading away, the high never lasted that long for us vampires, the blood gets absorbed and filtered to quickly. Thankfully for me it was over, all I wanted was to forget, but when I finally woke up from my brief drug coma I wanted something completely different. I wanted to end it, the memories, the shame that I have been living with, it was time for me to do something about my past, time to make things right.

I lit a cigarette, pulled out my cell phone, and dialed the numbers; he picked up immediately, "I'm in Jacob, where should I meet you."

So I'm making Bella a kind of unlikable character, and she is going to do things the original Bella wouldn't do. But hey that's what fanfiction is for right? Please tell me what you think of this chapter, I love reviews (Good or bad). Thanks for reading.