The caramel-haired beauty had taken especial care with her appearance lately. In fact, she had been looking better ever since the day she had informed Dr. Sorin that her best friend had begun therapy for her drinking. Now she was well coordinated, smartly accessorized, bright of eye and – thanks to yesterday's appointment at the salon – shiny of hair. It was a shame, she reflected as she viewed herself in the washroom mirror, that he would see this as a new development, rather than as a return to her usual state. Nevertheless, she knew, and that was the important thing. Now that she looked her best, she decided she was much closer to feeling her best. Or, at least, as close to her best as she could.
A few minutes later, she was seated in her usual spot, having declined the offer of tea but accepted water. Without preamble, she started right in. "The date didn't happen."
"I see," Sorin settled into his chair, slowly setting his teacup aside as he picked up his pen. Instead of following his normal line of questioning, he veered slightly, choosing, instead, to focus on something he had noticed as soon as his patient had entered his office. "In case I've failed to mention it this morning," he began as he casually flipped through his notes from the previous session, "your dress is rather fetching on you, Maura, and do I detect an updated hair style?" He seemed to be searching for something in the various notes as he made what was apparently small talk.
Since it had been on her mind already, Maura welcomed the observation with a bright smile. "Yes, you do! Andre is such an artist. Of course, he lamented the state in which I came to him yesterday, but, by the time he finished with me, I felt like a new person. Well, no," she contradicted herself, "I feel like an old person. I feel like myself again. I suppose that's the reason for the orange," she stroked the shantung silk of her dress. "I felt like a poppy today."
"Bright yet elegant," the psychiatrist commented as he stopped on a page several pages back in sessions. "Can you pinpoint what brought about the return to your 'old self', as you say?" His eyes skimmed over his notes as he casually sipped his tea.
It was really quite astonishing how differently people could express the same emotion. Maura's excitement was like no other's. It was, in fact, quite calm, all things considered. Perhaps it was because she was rested; the darkening was nearly absent from her nasojugal folds. "I think it's a combination of things. There was the fact that Jane had a strong urge to drink, but then she elected to take care of herself first – before I even got there, I'll add. There's the fact that in our last session, you helped me learn something, which makes it easier to understand some of the things I've been thinking and feeling and doing lately. There was the reason my date didn't happen. There's the fact that Jane's therapist invited me to take part in her next session, which I interpret to mean that there's been some kind of a breakthrough for her, and that has me excited on her behalf. And, of course, I got my hair done and bought a new dress, which always make me feel fantastic. Oh! And today I found the evidence that is going to put a killer away for life, unless the prosecution completely mangles the legal case, so I feel like… Oh, what is that phrase… Jane called me a stud-Muppet."
"Muffin, actually, stud-muffin," Sorin flipped back to the page for the current session's notes and quickly wrote down a number of things.
Maura thought about the substitution of the two words, but dismissed it as unimportant. Neither muffins nor Muppets were used in breeding programs to sire genetically advantaged offspring, and therefore the expression had no hope of making sense. "Whatever."
Sorin gave a quiet chuckle. "Congratulations on your professional success," said the psychiatrist with a small nod of approval. "Would you like to start today by telling me the circumstances in which you canceled your evening out without Jane?"
Maura nodded and, with alacrity, set out to explain the events as she saw them. "I returned Harold's call, and he invited me to come out to the opera with him. It was a Wagner opera, and you know how long those are; he suggested that afterward we could get a late bite to eat in his hotel room. Most good restaurants are closed by the time the shows let out, but room service is twenty-four hours a day. Well, you know what that means," she pointed out with an eyebrow raised to indicate significance.
"And I must say," she went on, "I was looking forward to it. You wouldn't believe the tension I've been under lately. Between work, fitness training, Rizzoli dramatics, therapy sessions, and Jane, I don't think I've had more than fifteen consecutive minutes alone for at least six months, and when I do get that time, I'm usually just too tired to use it constructively. That, coupled with the realization that I'm in love with the person who shares my bed… Well, you can imagine how deeply frustrated I've been for the past week." She paused for a sip of water and to permit questions or observations before continuing.
Sorin simply nodded his head for her to continue when she was ready to do so.
"I think I might have been a little too vocal," Maura admitted, "about my enthusiasm for the date, or at least for the sex. I've noticed that Jane… Well, actually, most of the people I know now who are from different socioeconomic strata from my own… they're a bit uneasy about that subject, especially those from certain religious backgrounds. I just, you know, have a tendency to talk a lot when I'm nervous, upset, or excited about something. So Jane, Frankie, Frost, Korsak, Angela, Tommy, and possibly one or two other people knew that I was planning to, as Angela put it, hit a few operatically high notes of my own that night. Though that's not really accurate. I'm not really a shrieker. I tend to get quieter, not louder, the better things are going."
The woman's fingers began to fidget, twirling her middle finger ring around and around that digit. "I wanted to make sure Jane would be okay, and maybe ask Angela to look in on her, so I went to the diner. Jane was there, and so was Frankie, and Jane was in a completely foul mood. She wouldn't tell me why, and although I didn't know for certain, I guessed. But I… Well, this might not have been entirely productive, but I sort of tested my hypothesis by telling Frankie that what he was teasing me about was most likely going to be accurate – that I was probably going to be engaging in sexual intercourse later that evening."
"You were testing Jane's reaction to this information?" Sorin tilted his head, narrowing his eyes as he listened to how the events of the previous day unfolded.
Regret and embarrassment suffused Maura's soft features for a moment, but she nodded, unaccustomed to concealing relevant information from her therapist. "As I said before, I recognize that it was not the best thing to do, but at that very moment, it was the thing I did. I needed to know. It was something that would never affect Jane at all if all she cared about was being left alone that night. She'd have minded that I was going out, but not minded what I was going to do while I was out there. If she wanted the time to herself, she would even be relieved. The only way that could have upset Jane was if she particularly wanted me to not be having sex."
"You were testing a," he paused to find the correct word for his very particular patient, "hypothesis that Jane would be bothered by the fact that you may engage in sexual activities with someone? What observation brought about the desire in you to test such a hypothesis?"
"The fact," Maura explained with a hint of triumph, "that Jane rolled right off of me when I told her I had a date. She didn't even hold my hand again until I initiated it."
"I see." Shifting in his seat, Sorin's face gave just a hint of amusement. Despite himself, he was becoming very enraptured with Maura's life and, if he were to be honest with himself, had been internally hoping something like this would happen. He was, at the core of things, a romantic. "What happened once you tested your hypothesis?"
That saucy smile persisted, then grew as Maura leaned forward and pointed with a little sinuous arm movement, just to make the literal point obvious. "She was mad." Her shoulders pulled back, expressing a certain amount of pride: she had a hypothesis, tested it, and been proven right. "You see? The set of her facial muscles clearly indicated displeasure and hurt. Oh, don't – Look, Dr. Sorin. There's no joy in the knowledge that she stormed out of the diner, went out, and bought a flask of whiskey, and went home to have a drink. I'm really not happy about that part of it. However, it pleases me that even before I got there, Jane had poured the bottle down the drain, having decided not to let that desire rule her. The reason why she felt that way? That pleases me – almost as much as the fact that she didn't drink when she felt tempted. Do you see?" Maura leaned forward, smiling but intense. "She likes me."
"What reason did she give you for not taking a drink that would support your final conclusion?" His voice was temperate, though the corners of his mouth were fighting to not upturn.
A certain smugness saturated her smile. "She didn't tell me a reason for not drinking, and I didn't ask. I believe she chose not to drink because she knew it was harmful to herself, but I do not know that for a fact. It might have been because she knew her drinking could harm others, or that she didn't want to break a winning streak – she's a big believer in streaks. I can't speculate on that overly much. I can only say that I know Jane was proud of herself for not drinking. I saw that in her face and posture when I first walked in the door."
"As well she should be. But, given what you've told me thus far, I'm finding it difficult to understand why your evening's plans changed." With a flick of his eyes to the notebook in his lap, he added, "It doesn't seem as though your support services were needed if Jane was able to cope on her own with her addiction."
More smugness. "Don't you get it? Oh, wait, no, I haven't told you! Right! So," she burst forth, bringing her hands softly together in a soft clap. "When Jane poured out the bottle and bleached out the sink, I asked if she needed me to stay with her, or needed me to go so she could have some time to herself. She told me to go on my date, and not stay home and babysit her. She said she didn't want to hold me back from doing things I wanted to do. But then she said she knew it had been a while since I did some stuff. You know what that means, don't you? To someone who's uncomfortable talking directly about sex?" By now, her hands were gesticulating in small, tight, yet uncontrolled motions. She was positively fluttering. "And she looked sad when she said it."
"Enlighten me," came the response from the man still trying to not show his amusement at the story unfolding before him.
Incredulous, Maura let out an enormous, exasperated sigh. "Really? Augh, you are such a frustrating man. It means she wants me! More than that, I think she loves me. Well… I know she loves me, but I mean, she loves me. She does. She wasn't just jealous in an angry way, like something that's hers is being poached. She was sad. That means it's about more than just protecting a possession or the status quo. And do you know what she was saying at the exact moment when she showed me her sadness?"
"She was saying that she wanted me to be happy." Maura stated it emphatically, and for a wonder, there was suddenly no smugness left in her at all. "Jane wants me to be happy, to get what I need, and she is actively disappointed that she can't give it to me. I think, despite all the hints I've tried to give her, that she believes I couldn't want her sexually. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, you have no idea, Dr. Sorin – Jane is… I don't know how to…"
Words failed for a moment as Maura floundered, then found her footing. "You look up at night and view the stars. They're so beautiful and so perfect, aren't they? Bright, brilliant, fascinating. You could spend your life gazing at them, trying to describe them, knowing that you can study them and love them all, feeling that all you could ever desire would be to reach up and touch them, and feel their points on your fingertips."
She sighed. "But then the moon rises, and she is completely different."
Her reverie was broken by Sorin's next question. "Tell me about this proposed joint therapy session with Jane's psychiatrist that you have mentioned." The shift felt sudden, given the words that had just left Maura, but Sorin asked as if everything should flow from one thing to the next.
"I don't really know what that's about," confessed the small woman as she reached for her water glass. "I know that joint therapy sessions usually take place in the context of couples or family therapy, but that's usually when both or all parties need to work through issues together. I'm under the impression that her psychiatrist, Dr. Dearborn, wants me there solely for Jane's benefit, not for mine or ours. Admittedly, I'm not as well versed in psychology as I am in physical medicine, so it's possible that this is not as rare a technique as I believe." She would not ask directly, lest her own session become a discussion of therapeutic tactics. "All that I've been told is that Dr. Dearborn believes it will be helpful to Jane. I don't know what has precipitated this."
"How do you feel about this session? Do you have any concerns that issues may arise that you are unwilling or not ready to discuss directly with Jane?"
Though she had an immediate answer, Maura held it for a moment to give the question due consideration. Finally, she shook her head. "I worry that Jane may be confronted with things that she may not be ready to hear yet, things that might disrupt her recovery process. I don't know that she's consciously ready to face her own feelings about me, let alone mine for her. But for my sake, I'm not worried. There is nothing of myself that I would hesitate to entrust to Jane."
"Yes, it's quite clear that you have complete trust in Jane." Sorin nodded. "Conversely, how do you feel about the possibility of finding your feelings are not, in fact, returned in kind?"
Maura's head tipped sideward, indicative of deep thought. After a long silence, she spoke. "On the one hand, I have no overt indications that Jane is generally interested in women. I've heard nothing about past relationships with women, and the only rumors at the precinct about Jane are either the standard stereotypes flung at any woman in law enforcement, or they're about me. Jane has shown general interest in men, but very little, and it's very rare in terms of specific men. She may be scarcely interested in romantic or sexual entanglements at all. She appreciates the male form, wants to eventually marry and have children – or says she does; I'm still uncertain as to whether she actually wants those things or simply feels they're expected of her – but in Massachusetts, that doesn't necessarily… Well, never mind. We're discussing the cons, not the pros."
Another deep breath, and she went on. "Jane has outdated notions of what a relationship between women would look like. Although there are also lesbian and bisexual women with those notions, it does argue somewhat strongly for a lack of experience with such relationships. Believe me, Dr. Sorin, enough women hit on Jane that if she wanted experience, she would certainly have it by now. She's not homophobic, though. I think her objection, whenever someone refers to her as a dyke or suggests she go undercover at a lesbian bar, stems predominantly from the fact that if people know or believe that she could be interested in a woman, men might stop making the effort to interest her in themselves. For whatever my impression is worth, she strikes me as mostly, but possibly not exclusively, interested in men."
Maura went on for a little longer, listing minor points that could also be interpreted as Jane not being interested in women, and then a few that argued that Jane could entertain the notion, but not with Maura. Then she fell quiet. She'd thought of all these matters before, at one time or another. Listing them all out like this, however, all at the same time, made it seem all the more unlikely that she had correctly interpreted Jane's emotions regarding her.
"Those are very good points of observation," Sorin commented as he made a few marks in his notebook. "It's clear you've entertained this line of questioning before. I would urge you to be open to all possibilities when entering into a joint therapy session with Jane. Your relationship with her is, by your own accounts, one rooted rather strongly in trust and mutual admiration. I would urge you to hold on to those factors should you engage in lines of communication that seem to counter what your hypothesis and testing has proven otherwise." It was, in a very subtle fashion, Sorin's way of saying to retrain her positive hope. "Would you like to schedule an extra session for Monday to follow up on this joint session with Jane?"
Maura sighed. Abandoning the lengthy list of pros she had composed over more time than she cared to really consider, she admitted, "It would probably be wise."
"Then, let us stop here for today, and do schedule time for Monday," he paused, considering. "If you feel the need, Maura, you know you are always welcome to suggest a joint session with me as well. Generally, I would make the suggestion to my patient, but you are often very adept at understanding your own needs. I simply want you to know that the option is there for you at your request."
Caramel curls bounced together as if engaged in play. "No, thank you. My issues are… Well, they're being managed. The only thing that I find unsettling at this time in my life is the way my best friend is hurting. Jane's feelings and needs are very time-sensitive, so they do need to be handled with care until she's reached emotional equilibrium. I just want to make sure that I don't do things that will harm her recovery from alcohol dependence. I don't think there's anything that I particularly need, at least not from you, that she needs to be here to accomplish; at least, not unless you feel you need a different perspective, or more information than what I can provide for you."
"If and when that time comes, of course we'll discuss our options." He stood, offering her a hand up in a classic, gentlemanly fashion. "Shall we go set the next appointment?"