A/N: Hiya there, folks! (grins) Mah, I would've updated sooner but I've been insanely busy lately. (pouts) But hey, at least I didn't make you guys wait for months. Yay?

BUT, first off… WOAH! Thank you SO MUCH for those absolutely amazing reviews! (GLOMPS) Gosh, there are so many! You can't even imagine how loved you've made this story feel. (beams) Thank you!

Alrighty, then. (takes a deep breath and gulps nervously) I suppose it's go-time, eh? I REALLY hope you'll enjoy the ride!

'Cover my eyes
Cover my ears
Tell me these words are a lie
It can't be true
That I'm losing you
The sun cannot fall from the sky'

(RyanDan, 'Tears of an Angel')

'Few tragedies can be more extensive than the stunting of life, few injustices deeper than the denial of an opportunity to strive or even to hope, by a limit imposed from without, but falsely identified as lying within.'

(Stephen Jay Gould)

Denial

/ There was a disheartened look on three-year-old Spencer Reid's face when he stared at the unsolved Rubik's Cube before him. "Daddy, it's too hard", he stated in a misery-filled voice. He hated the fact that there seemed to be tears in his eyes. His father had always told him to never cry. His gaze was filled with despair when he looked towards the man. "I can't do it."

William Reid's expression told him clearly that there was no getting out of this one. The man's eyes narrowed slightly. "Don't ever say that, Spencer." His father grabbed his shoulder so hard that it almost hurt. "You… are a very special little boy, Spencer. There are few things that are impossible for you. I'm sure this isn't one of them."

Spencer frowned, by then truly afraid that he'd start to cry. "How?"

To his surprise William came close to smiling. "Patience, Spencer." The man poked his forehead with his finger. "Everything you need is right there. Just be patient, and let your mind work."

Half an hour later there was a strange look in his father's eyes when he brought the item to the man, a bright smile on his face.

The cube had been solved completely. /

Emily Prentiss almost literally held her breath while standing in a long, utterly white hallway that had nothing but doors and a couple of long benches decorating it. She couldn't understand how it was possible that she was sitting there when she didn't have the slightest idea of how she got there.

It felt like she'd been in some sort of a bizarre nightmare.

Or did, until she heard a unfamiliar male voice. "I'm sorry." Lifting her gaze with mild startle she found a man who was a lot shorter than she, and had the strangest pair of blue eyes she'd ever seen. His multiple wrinkles and rapidly graying hair, which pointed towards every imaginable direction, made him appear almost sixty years old. He tilted his head to the side, seeming to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps he wasn't that used to dealing with the living. "Can I help you?"

It took a long moment before Emily managed to nod. Her throat refused to function before she cleared it. "I… came to identify a body." Her voice sounded off and static in her ears. It enstrenghtened her belief that this was all just a sick dream. She took a deep breath, a horrible taste filling her mouth. "SSA Dr. Spencer Reid." How long was it from the last time she'd spoken his first name? Too long.

The man nodded in his turn. Hans Delco, she finally noticed from his nametag. "Why don't you follow me?" His lips opened, but in the end he swallowed the words. A FBI-agent wasn't supposed need preparations for seeing a body.

Even if the body was that of someone she considered a member of family, apparently.

Hans spoke while they walked for what felt a tiny eternity, but none of the words truly registered to her. Her mind didn't snap into a fully alert state until he pulled out a corpse that'd been covered by a white blanket. Then, far faster than she would've been ready for it, the coroner removed the last thing rooting her to blissful thinking.

Suddenly it wasn't just a bad dream anymore – a horrible trick played by her fickle subconsciousness.

Although she'd never been a huge fan of touching, at that very she brought her hand to his chest, only to discover what had already been told to her.

His heart wasn't beating anymore. There was no breath – no life – in him.

Dr. Spencer Reid was really gone. After everything their team had gone through together he'd died all alone, of a fucking broken neck from the fall he'd taken. Completely without a warning he'd been stolen away from them. And she couldn't even remember what she'd last said to him.

None of that made any sense to her.

It made no fucking sense, that the man lay before her was gone. That she'd never see his smile or hear his voice again.

"He didn't suffer", the coroner said in a quiet tone that spoke far more loudly than the actual words. She didn't meet the man's face, but felt him watching. "He died instantly, when he hit the water." He said it like it would've made any difference.

Emily didn't realize that she'd been barely breathing since seeing Spencer's body until she began to feel dizzy. Her feet were dangerously unsteady as she stumbled backwards. "I… I really have to go, now."

Hans nodded, obviously understanding more than she would've wanted him to. He didn't ask if she was alright or attempt to stop her when she dashed away.

She felt absolutely horrible for leaving Spencer there, all alone, into the hands of a total stranger, into one of those chilling, pitch black pits. Spencer had always hated the dark. All of a sudden she wished she would've managed to bring herself to tell the coroner that.

They really shouldn't abandon Spencer into the dark.

Emily stayed strong, until she made it to the hallway only a slight distance away. For all her life she'd been strong, pushed herself through the impossible. But at that very moment she just couldn't take the weight and pressure building up inside her.

She practically collapsed to a chair that'd miraculously been left there, felt all will leaving her muscles. As soon as she was down she brought a hand to her lips, feeling sick to her stomach when a storm she just couldn't handle rose inside. And for the first time in forever she broke down into tears.

Suddenly the world around her was a suffocatingly quiet place.

A week after his death Spencer's apartment still had something that felt stunningly lot like him lingering in it.

Aaron Hotchner figured that he probably shouldn't have been surprised. Spencer had always been the most alive member of the team. It wouldn't have made sense that his spirit could've been wiped away so easily.

Perhaps Spencer had been so alive that eventually he'd simply burned out. That was the only explanation Aaron could find to the surreal reality at hand. Burned out to a point where the only way to go was down that bridge.

Aaron didn't want to believe it, honestly didn't. But the coroner's report left very little to be questioned.

There were no injuries the fall wouldn't have explained on Spencer's body, apart from a couple of bruises and a heart-shaped scrape on his forehead. There had also been no drugs in his bloodstream, which was something Aaron had inquired without the knowledge of the rest of the team. There wasn't even alcohol. Nothing that could've revealed the trigger. The apartment offered just as few answers. There were no signs of a struggle, or even proof that anyone other than Spencer would've ever been there. Nothing.

Absolutely nothing that would've explained how the hell it was possible that a member of their family was now gone, and would never enter this apartment or the office again.

Aaron could still remember the look there'd been in Spencer's eyes the last time he saw the genius. Exhaustion and worry he had been able to name, but it was the parts he hadn't been able to recognize that bothered him to a point of driving him insane.

What the hell happened to that man performing physics magic in the office? How blind had they been, to not notice how wrong things were?

They'd saved countless of potential victims from monsters. But it's always those he couldn't help that were left haunting Aaron.

The fact that he was all alone in the room where Spencer used to live, that'd never stop haunting Aaron. Because he noticed that there were unread books in the brunet's shelve, markings on his calendar, food in the refrigerator. Maybe they would've been able to pull him off of that bridge, if only they'd opened their eyes.

'Maybe', and 'if'. Always 'maybe' and 'if'. That was all Aaron was left with.

For the longest time Aaron, who'd grown used to being the team's invincible leader, couldn't even move. But then he noticed a huge cardboard box, abandoned to the room's corner so that he could just see it from where he stood. Curiosity overwhelmed shock, releasing his body from its temporary paralysis. His feet didn't feel quite steady as they carried him to the box.

It wasn't until he reached the tightly sealed box he noticed the note attached to it. Without a doubt the handwriting was Spencer's.

'To the team.

I'm so sorry.'

Aaron simply stared at the words, not quite sure what to feel about them. But slowly yet surely the weight of the past week came crashing down on him. At that very moment he buried his face into his hands and grit his teeth as hard as he could to hold back a scream while everything came pouring out.

He could've sworn that at some point he felt Spencer there, watching him, but he didn't have the courage to make sure.

Because discovering that he was wrong… He wasn't sure if he would've been able to take such a hit.

They'd almost lost Spencer what felt like a million times. And if Derek Morgan was fully honest with himself he'd always felt like the genius was only on loan. Despite all the lighter moments they shared there'd always been this lingering fear that Spencer would be snatched away one day, that the universe would remember to collect what really wasn't theirs to keep.

But even so, the sight before him felt surreal.

There was just no way he could make himself believe that he was participating in Spencer Reid's memorial service. That he was saying goodbye to his best friend.

It cut even deeper, to hear the whispers all around him, made by people who hadn't even really known the genius.

"… hear that he jumped off a bridge?"

"… makes sense. I mean, wasn't his mother crazy, too?"

At those words he finally lost his self control. Emitting a hazardous hissing sound through grit teeth he walked over to the two women who'd been talking – middle aged poor souls who hadn't even shown the decency to wear black. They gave him startled looks.

His eyes narrowed before he snarled in a tone that left nothing to be questioned. "I think… that it's for the best, if you get out of here. Right now."

At first the women stared at him, as though wondering if he was serious, then exchanged looks before walking away with expressions that made him feel sick to his stomach.

It was a couple of moments later he heard approaching steps, followed by Aaron's voice. "Do you feel better, now?"

Derek grit his teeth before turning towards his superior. "They said Reid's crazy. They… They said that he killed himself."

Aaron's eyes darkened. And suddenly the man appeared ten years older than just a couple of weeks ago. "Morgan… Reid did kill himself. The report we received was solid."

Derek had never felt the kind of a fury that rose within his body and soul. For the first time he honestly couldn't tell what he was about to do when his fists balled. "Reid didn't kill himself, do you hear me?" he hissed viciously through extremely tightly grit teeth. "He could've never killed himself."

Aaron looked like a ton's weight had been lifted to his shoulders. When glancing briefly towards the direction of the altar the man almost lost the control over his stoic mask, and a little bit too much spilled through. "You saw the reports, Morgan. There was no evidence of someone having harmed him."

"He was pushed off of a fucking bridge! How the hell is that not 'harming him'?" he snarled, only vaguely aware of the fact that he was drawing some unwanted attention. There was a searing sensation in his eyes he ignored easily under the storm of rage and adrenaline. "You've worked with him just as long as I have, and this team is a family! You know him! You know he'd never give up like that – he'd never be selfish enough to put his mother or us through that! How the hell can you have that little faith in him?"

"Stop it, both of you!" The familiar snarling voice made them shut up instantly. Turning their heads they discovered JJ. There were tears streaming down her deathly pale cheeks, and she seemed to be trembling uncontrollably. She wiped her face with a swift, angry motion, never once breaking her glare. "We… We're here for Spence, don't you get that? So shut up."

Derek had no idea what to say to that, so he squeezed his lips together tightly and balled his fists, working his hardest to force down the stinging sensation that took over his eyes again. Then, so abruptly that he startled all three of them, he spun around and stormed out of the chapel into the churchyard. As soon as he made it out he gasped loudly, desperately trying to draw air into his burning lungs. He'd never, ever felt such physical ache.

He refused to believe that this was really happening. That after everything Spencer – they all – had gone through the genius could just… fade way like this. He couldn't believe that whatever higher power there was working could be cruel enough to let this happen.

He couldn't believe that after how he'd struggled to protect Spencer he'd failed this way.

Derek was almost sure that he heard steps, somewhere in the distance. But he didn't really even check if anyone was following him or not. He just needed to move, to do something active, so that his brain would finally have the chance to stop buzzing a million miles per hour. He was starting to have a headache.

Spencer has headaches, too. Maybe they should…

It wasn't until several seconds later Derek realized the error in his trail of thought, and he pulled in a breath that burned on its way down.

He wanted to cry, wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. But as it was all his body could handle was breathing.

A couple of almost stilled moments later Derek felt, so clearly that it truly hurt, a presence behind him. He didn't look over his shoulder, didn't want to discover that the one person he wanted to see wasn't there.

He had no idea how long he'd stood there until a hand was laid to his shoulder. Instead of Spencer David spoke. "Let's go inside. The service is about to begin." The older man looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

Not really finding it in him to speak, Derek nodded somewhat numbly. Neither man spoke while making their way back inside.

As they entered Derek was pleased to discover that there weren't many people outside their team-family. He didn't want anyone who'd never even known Spencer around when the actual service would begin. He was sure Spencer wouldn't appreciate hearing their hollow words.

His stomach, however, dropped when he noticed that Penelope was nowhere to be seen. Not that he should've been too surprised. Since Spencer's death Penelope… hadn't been herself. It was like she'd formed a cocoon around herself. As soon as the date of Spencer's memorial service had been revealed Penelope had announced that she wouldn't attend. Until this very moment Derek had somehow hoped that she would change her mind.

"I'm sorry." There was a heartbroken look in JJ's tear-filled eyes. The blonde looked away. "I… I tried, I really did. But I couldn't force her." He could tell the failure was killing her. Through this time from hell JJ had focused all her energy to efforts of trying to keep the team together. It was like keeping the team together had kept her from falling apart.

He tried to offer a smile, but it felt more like a grimace. "It's okay", was the best he could manage. He was exhausted, and the headache from before attacked him full force. Perhaps it was cruel but he couldn't carry her burden, too.

JJ opened her mouth, but before she could speak a word the priest – a grim-faced man of Derek's age who looked startlingly lot like Aaron – walked in. As though on some sort of a silent signal everyone slumped down. As soon as they did this horrifying, hazy look appeared to JJ's eyes while tears ran freely. Emily was breathing so heavily that it looked like she might collapse soon, and Derek could practically hear the howl she was trying to restrain. Aaron, on the other hand, grit his teeth so hard that a screeching sound could be heard. Rossi's eyes didn't seem completely dry while the man stared determinedly straigth forward, as though he'd seen something terribly interesting although his eyes were fixed on the wall.

And Derek… couldn't feel anything at all, inside or outside.

There was nothing but cold hollowness inside him when the priest started to speak words that made absolutely no sense to him.

This… was a nightmare. All he wanted to do was to wake up.

But instead, somewhere at his right JJ started to cry louder.

The BAU office was completely dark while Penelope Garcia sat in front of her computer, her knees brought to her chest and her whole form shaking pitiably. She'd turned off her cell phone a long time ago, choosing to ignore the worried calls everyone seemed to be making. That's why the only sound heard in the room was Spencer's voice, coming from her computer.

"Hi mom, this is Spencer. I just really wanted you to know that I love you, and I need you to know that I spend every day of my life proud to be your son…"

She hadn't shed a tear so far – not when she found out he was dead, not when JJ broke down completely after they received the coroner's report, not even today after everyone else had headed to the memorial service. But at that moment, at the sound of his voice, whatever little resolve she'd had broke.

She grabbed her hair with both hands, as tightly as she could, and screamed.

In the end Kevin Lynch was the first one to peer into the box Aaron found from Spencer's apartment.

When dropping by to deliver some papers he didn't catch a glimpse of the unit chief. Instead he saw the box, without the note left by Spencer. His curiosity was aroused instantly.

Making sure no one was about to catch him red-handed he approached and ripped the box open as carefully as possible. What he found made a frown appear to his face.

There was a lot of stuff that made no sense to him. But there was also a file, similar to those the FBI used.

'Allison Hudson', said the sticker on top of the file.

It'd been three weeks, Neah counted, placing a long lock of fire red hair behind her ear. Her dark brown eyes grew nearly black with worry. Three weeks, and he'd said it'd only take one.

'If all goes well.'

Where was he?

The sound of mail being dropped through her mail slot startled her so badly that she jumped and instinctively brought a hand to the .45 tied to her waistline. All she saw was a phone bill, assigned for 'Allison Hudson'.

Neah took several deep breaths, closing her eyes, and counted carefully to ten. She got the seven before a shrill, heartbreaking cry floated to her ears. Instantly forgetting everything else she wandered to the tiny apartment's living room. She found her nine-months-old baby girl from the child's crib, crying hopelessly.

"Shh…", she shushed while taking the baby into her arms. She rubbed soothing circles to the child's back while the cries continued. "Shh, sweetie… Were you lonely? Mommy's right here. Everything's okay." She hoped, from the bottom of her heart, that she would've been able to believe in her own words.

Gradually the baby's cries died out. Neah had just put the once again sleeping child back to her bed when her cell phone started to ring. Her blood turned into ice when she noticed who the caller was. He never called unless something was horribly wrong.

Her hand shook when she picked up. "William?"

The words she heard made a huge part of her world come crashing down. "They… They got him, Neah." The man sounded like he'd been crying. "He's dead."

'Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.'

(Ambrose Bierce)

TBC, OR NOT?

A/N: Awkay… (takes a deep breath) It wasn't entirely easy to write that. I think my eyes were almost moist at some point, and that NEVER happens! (shudders)

BUT… The important question is, how did you guys find the chapter? Was it any good, at all? PLEASE, leave a review to let me know! Awww, it'd totally make my day. (gives puppy's eyes)

IN THE NEXT ONE (if you, of course, want such): The next stage of grief hits the team hard. But when Reid's secrets start to spill, they're pulled to opposite direction. Is anything as it was before when they finally learn to know their deceased friend?

Until next time, folks, whichever story that may be with! (glances hopefully)

Take care!

Avesona23: I can't believe I killed him off, either. (winces) (Not that I wouldn't have done it before…)

BUT, I'm thrilled to hear that you enjoyed the startout nonetheless! I really hope the next one won't turn out to be a disappointment.

Gigantic thank yous for the review!

Syd: Seriously? (beams, and gasps) GOSH, you can't even begin to imagine how flattered and happy hearing that makes me! I can't believe someone would enjoy my stories that much.

I really hope this one won't fall flat, either.

Monumental thank yous for the incredible review!