A/N: Oh man…! (winces) I'm so, so, SO sorry that it took me this long to update! I managed to get myself a nasty summertime flue, and then I was dragged out of the country for a while, which meant that I didn't have access to my computer for several days. (groans) BUT, now the new chapter is FINALLY here. Yay…?

First things first, though! GOSH, you guys, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all those absolutely amazing reviews! There were so many of them… (beams, and glomps) Thank you! You guys really made me happy.

Awkay… (takes a breath) I guess it's time to keep going, eh? I REALLY hope this one turns out worth the wait.

'Yesterday I lost my closest friend
Yesterday I wanted time to end
I wonder if my heart will ever mend
I just let you slip away

Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you (to you)
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through (to you)
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter'

(Lostprophets, '4 AM Forever')

'Physiologically, it simply doesn't matter whether your anger is justified or not. The body doesn't make moral judgements about feelings; it just responds.'

(Doc Childre and Howard Martin)

Anger

/ Less than a week after his fifth birthday Spencer was sitting in the living room, surrounded by books with two of them on his lap and one in his hands, when his father left the room to answer the door. The brief conversation he heard made him frown.

"Are you sure about this, William?" The female voice he couldn't remember hearing before sounded tense. "He's your own son…"

"Yes. Do you think I'd be doing this if I wasn't?" his father snarled in the angry voice that Spencer associated with him getting into a trouble. There was a long moment of silence. "He's in the living room."

Before Spencer got the chance to prepare himself the two walked in. His attention immediately locked on the approximately thirty-years-old woman beside his father. She had chestnut-colored hair that just reached her chin and deep brown eyes that were looking at him with open curiosity.

Spencer shrunk into himself, feeling so uncomfortable that his muscles twitched. For some reason this woman was making him nervous. Funny – usually he was the one making people look nervous and fidgety.

"Spencer, this is Chloe, a colleague of mine", his father spoke, effectively pulling him out of his thoughts. Hard as he tried he couldn't read the look in the man's eyes. "Could you please say 'hi' to her?"

Always having been raised to be obedient, Spencer lifted his head with a slight, awkward smile. "Hi."

Chloe kneeled down to his level and gave him a smile that made him feel even more uneasy. "Well hello, Spencer. It's very nice to meet you – I've heard that you're a quite special little boy."

She nodded towards the kit placed behind her. "You know, after talking with your daddy I decided to bring in some nice games just for you. Would you like to try them?" /

The air in Aaron's office was thick and heavy as the unit chief stared at the file that lay on the table before him.

'Allison Hudson'.

Who was this woman?

What confused him even further, however, was the contents of the file – or rather lack of thereof. All he could see was a note, written in Spencer's handwriting.

'Really, the fundamental, ultimate mystery, the only thing you need to know to understand the deepest metaphysical secrets, is this: that for every outside there is an inside and for every inside there is an outside, and although they are different, they go together. (Alan Watts)'

"What are you going to do about this?"

It took a mighty while before Aaron managed to react to the voice. There was a deep line between his eyes as he glanced towards David from underneath his eyebrows. "I'm not sure how much I can do about this." His eyes fell on the empty file once more. "I have a feeling that Reid is trying to tell us something, but…" His voice faded away, because his throat couldn't handle the pressure of the words that wanted to crawl out.

"… we'd need Reid, to make sense to it."

They exchanged a look. And suddenly nothing needed to be said.

The cold he'd last felt during Spencer's funeral returned into Aaron's body, traveled through his veins with such intensity that he shivered. He grit his teeth and took a deep breath, trying to find the steel filled tranquility that was often his only link to sanity in the line of duty. "Don't tell the others about this yet. I want to look into this myself first." He didn't want to drop the bomb before he was sure.

David nodded. Only a tiny, barely visible twitch on his friend's lips revealed that the man didn't appreciate his decision. David's eyes then fell towards the box that rested on a chair nearby, scanned through all the items placed into it. "What about those?" The man looked at him once more. "Reid… He left those for them. He'd want them to have those."

Aaron focused on breathing for longest moment. He'd always been called a natural leader. In moments like this he hated that position. "I'm calling them in. The sooner this is over and done with the better."

Derek honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd slept properly. It must've been before Spencer's death, because since then… Since then nights just hadn't been for sleeping anymore for him.

Whenever he fell asleep he saw Spencer. All alone on that snowy bridge, looking downwards with empty, tear-filled eyes. When he tried to call out to his best friend the man didn't hear him, didn't react in any way whatsoever. Instead Spencer took a step forward and disappeared into emptiness, out of his sight and reach. Every single time Derek woke up to his own scream, only to realize that the nightmare wasn't over.

In the end Aaron ordered Derek to see a doctor when the man came to check up on him. They were all on a month long leave, but Aaron told him that from experience he knew that such a short amount of time wasn't enough to chase away the demons Derek was battling with. The unit chief even came along with him to the appointment, like he'd been a little child. All the doctor did was write a prescription for sleeping pills.

Derek was fairly sure that the appointment was now a week ago. He hadn't taken a single pill.

At this very moment he was staring at the bottle of pills like it'd been his worst enemy. He was only vaguely aware of the fact that Clooney was staring at him with intense worry from the background. His eyes narrowed.

He didn't want to sleep, didn't want to face those of his nightmares that could be avoided. It was enough to face one world where Spencer was…

Fortunately the dial tone of his cell phone cut that thought before the full impact could strike him. He frowned upon noticing who the caller was. "Hotch?" He sincerily hoped the unit chief wasn't calling to check up on him. He didn't feel up to it at the moment.

There was a momentary silence. "I know that we're still on a leave, but… Something's come to my attention, and I'd like the entire team to be here. It's about Reid." Those words made Derek's adrenaline spike up so that he could hear the atypical tightness in the other man's tone. Clearly this all was taking its toll on Aaron, too. "I can't get a hold of Prentiss. Do you know where she is?"

Derek grit his teeth to keep himself from groaning or swearing. In a moment he managed to speak. "Yeah, I know where she is. I'll bring her over." Without any further pleasantries he hung up.

Finally he had something other than the pills before him to think of. He put them away with sharp, almost angry motions, then got dressed and headed out of the apartment like the place had been on fire.

It took him only ten minutes to reach his destination. A yet another bout of anger wanted to flow through him when he saw Emily making her way out of a nearby bar. She looked absolutely exhausted, and with just one look he could tell that she hadn't settled for just water.

In a few seconds her slightly hazy eyes spotted his car. She frowned and hesitated before starting to walk towards him. The reek of alcohol filled the vehicle as she fell to the passenger seat. "Did I call you?" she inquired.

Derek had to gather his composure for the longest time before he dared to speak. Even then his voice was sharper than a whip. "Hotch asked me if I knew where you are. He wants everyone at the office. It's about Reid." He stopped to a red light, then started rummaging through the small bagpack he'd brought along. It didn't take him long to find what he'd been looking for. A thermos bottle. "It's black coffee. Maybe it helps you sober up a bit."

A hint of gratitude flashed in her eyes as she nodded wordlessly, then accepted his offering. Utter silence lingered for the longest time while she focused on sorting out her head and he struggled to keep himself from blowing up on her.

She wasn't the one who'd taken Spencer away. She wasn't the one who…

Perhaps there was too much adrenaline in his veins, because his senses sharpened. He frowned until he recognized the scent seeping to his consciousness. Blood? Instinctively he glanced towards Emily, to notice that there was quite a bit of crimson liquid covering her tightly balled, trembling fists. It didn't take much to realize that the substance wasn't alcohol.

Clearly noticing what he was looking at Emily spoke in a voice that came from deep within her throat. "Quit looking at me like that, Morgan. This wasn't my first bar fight."

Derek couldn't help the far from friendly snort that erupted. "Yeah, I know. That's what I'm worried about." Seeing a barely traceable opening in Emily's defence he went on mercilessly. "This, what you're doing to yourself… He'd hate it." He continued although his throat felt dangerously blocked. "He'd hate to see that you've become like this because of him."

The flash that appeared to Emily's eyes actually chilled him. He'd never seen her eyes look the way they did then. "Well maybe he should've thought about that before jumping off that fucking bridge", she hissed.

At those words a flare that took Derek's breath away sped through him, with such force that he was sure it'd set him on fire. Emily emitted a tiny sound of surprise when he turned the car to the side of the road with a extremely aggressive motion, then slammed on the brakes and looked at her. "He didn't kill himself!" For a moment the fire that coursed through his veins actually scared him – he wasn't sure how much control he had over himself anymore. His eyes narrowed while he squeezed the steering wheel as hard as he could. "Someone… Someone killed him. And I'm not going to let it slide, whether Hotch approves or not."

Emily stared at him for a long moment until she managed to speak. "You're pretty sure about this, aren't you?"

Derek nodded. "I am. I know him well enough to be."

Emily all but stared at him for a couple of more moments, until she made up her mind and turned her head towards the car's window. He waited for a second or two before starting the car and continuing the journey towards the headquarters. Somehow it felt a little bit easier to breathe than some minutes earlier.

Emily looked through the car's window in utter silence for the longest time, until she finally murmured in a voice he barely heard. "I really hope you're right, Morgan."

William LaMontagne had always been one of those people who enjoys the time they get to spend home, in their own peace with their beloved. But lately he'd found himself avoiding going home, although it made him feel like the worst person on the face of our fine planet.

JJ… He remembered, as clear as crystal, what she'd been like when they first met. He had the perfect mental image of that woman he'd fallen in love with almost as soon as his eyes first met her. He'd known her; even when they'd went to their first official date he'd known exactly which restaurant to pick and which dish she'd like the most. But now… This JJ, the one without Spencer, scared him. He didn't know how to handle the silent wrath constantly seeping below the surface, or the shield of silence she'd built around herself. He didn't even know how to touch her without making her fidget.

He didn't know how to live with this passively hostile stranger.

That very late evening Will entered his home quietly, like he'd been a trief of some sort. What he found was utter silence. He wasn't sure if that was a good sign or bad. At least Henry was asleep, but where was JJ?

He knew better than to call out to her – she never responded when he did these days, too lost into her thoughts to hear him. Instead he sauntered to the living room.

There, on their couch, JJ was sitting with a deck of cards held in her shaking hands. Her eyes were staring at something no one else but she could've possibly seen.

"Jayje?" He approached slowly, almost cautiously. "Are you okay?"

He seemed to get through to her at least a little bit, because she shuddered upon waking up from her thoughts and looked at him. It took a second before she managed to create a feeble fake smile. "Yeah. I am. I was just… I was thinking." She pushed herself up and dropped the deck of cards like it'd burned. "I'll make us some coffee."

Will frowned. "It's ten o'clock in the evening."

JJ pulled in a sharp breath. "I know."

"JJ." His tone of voice made her stop, although clearly reluctantly. "I know it hurts. And it's never gonna stop if you don't talk about it to anyone."

JJ grit her teeth so hard it must've hurt and gave him a look that made him shiver. "You… You don't have any idea of any of this. Okay? So just… Just stop pushing me, please."

Even during interrogations Will never enjoyed the situations where he had to push the suspect into the corner – that's when people usually reveal their ugliest sides. But at this point there wasn't much of a choice. And that's why he moved forward, until JJ had her back against the wall, then spoke in the exact tone he'd sworn to never bring home. "Then tell me, Jayje. How could I understand if you never explain?"

Her eyes were full of all those little things she'd struggled to keep buried, and she gasped like she'd been about to choke. "What do you want me to say?" The hiss felt like a stab. "How am I supposed to feel? He was one of the most precious people in my life, and now he's gone. He left us – just like my sister. How is that supposed to make me feel? How the hell am I supposed to feel about the thought that I'm never going to see him again?"

Her fists were still balled, but he noticed the way her knees shook and knew that she wouldn't be able to carry her own weight much longer. And so, ignoring all the nonverbal signs to stay away, he made his way to her and wrapped his arms around her as tightly as possible.

It took a long moment, but in the end JJ relaxed against him.

Relaxed, until the cracks widened. Completely without a warning she broke down into loud, wrenching sobs that smashed his heart to pieces. One of her hands squeezed him so tightly that it hurt while the other's nails dug deep into his skin, with the sheer force of despair. All he could do was hold on as she exploded into tiny pieces right there in his arms.

Time froze, until about a eternity later the dial tone of JJ's cell phone sneaked into their most intimate moment since Spencer's death. JJ immediately slipped from his arms and wiped her eyes with swift motions, then cleared her throat before daring to pick up. "Hey." She listened, and as she did the little color there'd been on her face faded away. "I'll be there in ten minutes." With that she hung up. Her eyes were unfamiliar when she looked at him. "I've… I've gotta go. It's about Spence – he… left something behind."

Will frowned as he watched her preparing to leave, feeling how cold settled into the pit of his stomach. "Are you okay?"

JJ's look told everything necessary. "I… I just… I need time." She opened her mouth, but instead of speaking what was on her mind she gave his cheek a chaste kiss. "Just… go to bed, okay? I'll see you tomorrow." And so the conversation was sealed.

She walked away, and Will didn't make a move to stop her. He didn't know if it was the right decision or not – perhaps it didn't even matter, because he wouldn't have been able to stop her, anyway. Not when it was Spencer calling out to her.

That thought sickened him, but it flashed by before he could even see it coming.

Taking a long breath that didn't really ease the weight on his chest at all he turned and headed towards the bathroom. Maybe a long, hot shower was exactly what he needed.

No amount of warm water could've replaced the warmth he was missing, though.

Emily had a headache as she followed Derek to the conference room, and she had a feeling that her condition had nothing to do with alcohol. She needed to sleep, or much rather to wake up from this horrible dream she'd fallen into. But it appeared she wasn't about to get any relief. For the rest of the team was already there. The grim looks on their faces were a warning enough.

Normally Emily might've demanded why Aaron had called them in on such a late hour, especially when they were all on leave. But as it was all she managed to squeeze out was "What's this all about?"

Aaron's lips formed a thin, tight line before the unit chief spoke. "Reid… left some things, before his death. I think he'd want you to have them."

Emily felt a violent jolt inside her body.

She did not want to see or hear this. But as it was she didn't have many choices.

It was around then she realized that there was a book on the table – one David Rossi had written. Aaron pushed it towards the older man with two fingers. "This… was also inside the box. It looks like he's read it through several times."

David's hands shook while he flipped through the book carefully. Were those… tears in his eyes? She could've sworn they were. "He's… He's made about a million markings, all over the book. He must've… spent a lot of time, with this." David swallowed thickly and blinked rapidly while showing them the very first page of the book, where the book's title and David's name had been imprinted.

'I told you I was a huge fan of yours, didn't I?

Thank you, for everything.'

For the longest time it was utterly, painfully silent in the room as the group of well trained agents fought with their all to pull themselves together. They could all see the million cracks on Aaron's stoic mask as the man spoke once more, revealing a disc. The unit chief's eyes were fixed on Penelope. "He… left this, for you."

Penelope hesitated for the longest time until she finally took a single, tentative step, then made her way to Aaron as fast as she could and took the disc like the item had burned. Her lips opened, but in the end she couldn't emit a sound. She didn't say a thing, or even look at any of them, when she made her way to a further side of the room and slumped to a chair. Emily looked away when she noticed the tears forming into the blonde's eyes, and felt her stomach knot painfully. This was starting to feel far too real to her liking.

"What the hell is this?"

It took a moment before Emily realized that the clearly agitated, sharp voice came from Derek. There was a wounded, heartbreakingly lost and sad look in the dark skinned man's confused eyes. His hand shook as he held a neatly folded piece of paper.

Aaron seemed to draw in a heavy sigh. It wasn't until at that very moment Emily realized just how exhausted the man looked, how deep and dark the shadows in his eyes were. "It's something you need to figure out, Morgan."

Derek grit his teeth so hard that Emily could've sworn she heard a sickening screech, then made his decision. They all shuddered slightly at how hard the man banged the door upon leaving.

Once again it took quite a while before they all calmed down enough to carry on the excrusiating process.

JJ's eyes were slightly wide and full of fear when she looked at Aaron. The question was loudly present even without her voicing it.

"There was a note, saying 'I wouldn't trust anyone else to take care of them'." Aaron was practically whispering, but his voice was still firm, almost soothing. He revealed a huge collection of beautiful butterflies – Spencer must've spent years collecting them. "I think we all know who he meant."

JJ shifted so that Emily couldn't see her face, but the way she shook upon taking the collection and pressing it tightly to her chest spoke enough. Everything was so quiet once again that it was nearly chilling.

Emily didn't truly feel like she was present in the events flashing by in the room until Aaron looked at her. "He left this for you. I think you know why."

Slowly, reluctantly, she lowered her eyes upon realizing that Aaron had placed something into her hands. Her heart lost a couple of beats, then took far too many in a much too short period of time. Her eyes didn't feel entirely dry as she stared at the item in her hands.

It was a star, exactly the same kind Spencer put together for her once in the jet.

Emily truly, honestly didn't have the slightest clue what to do, how to feel as she stared at the item in her hands.

After everything… this was what Spencer had wanted to leave her with? This would be the only physical evidence she'd have of him actually having existed?

/ "There was this young prince who wanted to win the heart of the fairest maiden in the land, so he climbed to the top of the tallest tower in the kingdom and he caught a falling star for her. Unfortunately, he was so excited that he dropped it and it smashed into all of these pieces. So he frantically put it back together again to prove his undying love to her and he succeeded and they lived happily ever after."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't catch a falling star. It would burn up in the atmosphere." /

Emily couldn't breathe. It was such a intense experience that her heart lost the at least relatively steady beat it'd had before. Her chest felt like it'd been about to burst, and her blood turned from ice to lava in a microsecond. Her body couldn't tolerate something like that, not in the state of mind she was in.

And so Emily did the only thing that felt bearable. She dashed out of the room, completely deaf to the voices calling out to her, and stormed forward mindlessly. She didn't snap out of her stupor until she realized that she was in the ladies' room, squeezing the star so hard that it'd pierced her hand from a couple of places. The wounds should've hurt, but she couldn't feel anything. Anything but the burning inside her whole body that was driving her insane. In the end she just couldn't take the burning anymore.

She screamed, with absolutely everything there was in her, and threw the star directly at the nearest wall. The inferno inside her exploded, nearly brought her to her knees, when the star shattered to ten stunningly neat pieces that flew everywhere.

Since the day she'd heard of Spencer's death Emily had felt like she'd been living in some sort of a sick nightmare. Now, she was finally waking up. And it hurt.

She didn't even notice the bitter tears that leaked down her cheeks while she stood firm, trembling like a leaf about to fall. She'd never felt such fury in her life – it balled in her throat until she was sure she'd suffocate. "Fucking hell, Reid!" she hollered at the ghost lingering in the back of her head. She couldn't recognize her voice. "I… I…!" I fucking hate you!, her brain screeched, with such volume that she feared her head wouldn't be able to take it.

At that intense, overwhelming moment she finally noticed it.

The writing. The words written carefully to the pieces of the fallen star. Spencer's final, desperate plea.

'Case number 7281.

Please help them, before he finds them, too.'

Penelope couldn't sleep that night. And finally, at four thirty in the morning, she came to a conclusion that she wouldn't be able to hold herself back any longer.

Carefully making sure that Kevin was still sound asleep she sneaked out of the bed and made her way soundlessly to the computer. Her hand was far from steady when she searched through her bag, finally managing to find Spencer's disc. She swallowed thickly, feeling sick to her stomach, while she looked at the item.

It was highly likely that she wouldn't like what she'd find. But she needed to know, for her sake and Spencer's.

And so she inserted the disc, her heart thumping madly in her throat.

For the longest time nothing happened, and she already wondered if the disc was empty, after all. But then her eyes widened to a dramatic extend as she realized that she was just about to enter a highly classified CIA-file. And then the name jumped right at her face.

'Neah Leeds'

"Holy crap!"

She actually jumped and shrieked upon hearing Kevin's voice from behind her. She was too stunned to scold him when she spun towards him.

There was a look of utter shock upon Kevin's sleepy face. The man gulped before looking towards her. "Hotch… He gave me this file, earlier, to see if I'd be able to make any sense to it. I did and… And… Well, I think you should see it."

Aaron's head wasn't working straigth, and in the end he found himself having a massive headache. That's when he decided to do the one thing that usually gave him peace and quiet. He headed towards his office.

Only this time, fate chose not to grant him any relief. For as soon as he approached the office he noticed that there was someone waiting for him.

William Reid.

The man looked about twenty years older than the last time they met. There was a stone hard look on William's sickly pale face as the man rose from the bench to greet him. "Agent Hotchner." The man's voice sounded unfamiliar. Their eyes clashed. "I understood you'd be here for paperwork today. I… came here to talk to you about my son."

Aaron took a deep breath. Meeting the families of victims was one the worst parts of his job. And this… "I'm truly sorry, for your loss." He grit his teeth, then added something he could've never imagined uttering out loud. "We all miss him."

William's eyes watered for a second before the man blinked it away determinedly and nodded. "I know. But… I didn't come here as his father." The man pulled out a badge – one of the CIA. "I came… to talk, as one unit chief to another."

'Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.'

(James Thurber)

TBC, or not?

A/N: Sooooo… Uh huh. What, exactly, is going on here? (quirks an eyebrow)

GAH, I've gotta start preparing myself for going to work. (pouts) BUT, first… PLEASE leave a review to let me hear out your thoughts! It'd seriously make my day. (gives puppy's eyes)

IN THE NEXT ONE: While the team gets closer and closer to Reid's secrets one of them has a violent clash with what's probably the biggest skeleton in Reid's closet. But it looks like someone is after the exact same thing…

Until next time, folks! I really hope ya'll all join in then.

Take care!

Avesona23: My GOSH, how happy you just made me! (beams, and HUGS) Capturing the emotions is one of my absolutely main goals, so I'm absolutely thrilled to hear you think I achieved it.

I really hope the next one will please you just as much!

Massive thank yous for the fantastic review!

mebemadds: (beams) I'm thrilled to hear you enjoyed it, hun! I truly hope the update turns out worth the wait.

Colossal thank yous for the review!

anonymous: That I'll do! (grins) 'Glad to hear you willing to read more.

Reid's my favorite, too, btw! Although considering how much I put him through, it may be hard to believe… (sweatdrops)

HUGE thank yous for the review!