Title: je ne regrette rien
Rating: MA+ for most, possibly NC17 for later sections.
Synopsis: Kurt wants Blaine. Blaine wants Kurt, so, what's the problem, exactly?
Author's Notes: This part is a little shorter, but I needed to break it where I did not just for emphasis but so that I had time to properly sort out Kurt's response because … nice bombshell there, Blaine.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All is property of Fox and Ryan Murphy, etc.
Je ne regrette rien
Part 2 - Understanding
He spent a large part of the following day avoiding his boyfriend at school.
He knew it was ridiculous and felt a strong pang of guilt grip his chest when Blaine caught sight of him down the corridor and waved and Kurt returned it with a tight smile before ducking down another way. He glimpsed the look of surprise and hurt on his boyfriend's face and felt wretched. It wasn't like it was Blaine's fault he'd gotten himself drunk or that he'd become incapable of controlling his impulses.
The longer Kurt dwelled on it though, the more he came to realize the core of his avoidance stemmed from knowing it wasn't the first time Blaine had hit the brakes on their intimacy. He'd slowed down their make out sessions a few times; untangling legs and mouths and calming hard breathing with some excuse or other. At first Kurt had thought it was cute, that Blaine thought he was trying to steal his virtue but lately …
Lately, Kurt was beginning to think there was more to it.
Blaine tugged him into a supply closet after lunch and locked the door, switching on the hanging light.
It was one of those old fashioned pull-string numbers with a single bulb swinging to and fro and Kurt absently wondered why the school didn't bother to fit it with a cover at the least.
Framed in the shifting light; Blaine's expression was one of frustration. "Kurt, what's going on? You've been avoiding me all day."
"I'd hardly call a few hours an entire day, Blaine," he retorted mildly, "Besides, we've gone longer without talking." He was hedging; shifting uncomfortably on the spot. It was a tiny space they were in; with shelves cluttering the walls and a mop and bucket stacked behind Kurt's right ankle pressing into his skin. It smelled like disinfectant and damp and through the thin wall they heard lockers slamming and then opening; voices filtering through as their classmates collected their books.
"That was different." Blaine insisted, his dark eyes studying Kurt. "We weren't together then.
This is because of last night, isn't it." He pressed, and Kurt snapped his head up; staring across at his boyfriend, lips pressing together into a thin line. As if the mention alone summoned it back, his head began to ache faintly; a gentle rolling throb behind his temples. "It's … sort of. Yes," Kurt sighed and cut his eyes away from Blaine's. "No. It's not just … not just that. But it was pretty bad, Blaine. I almost threw up on your crotch, I can hardly stand how romantic that must have been especially since last time I was drunk I did throw up."
Kurt winced; face knitting into disgust. "All over Miss Pillsbury's shoes."
He crossed his arms over his chest defensively as Blaine's mouth twitched at one edge. He stepped closer, and his shirt brushed Kurt's sleeve.
"Kurt, you understand why I stopped, right? I don't want us to … to rush into sex. Especially not in a parking lot while you're drunk." Kurt made a noise of frustration, hands coming loose from his sides. "Blaine it's not even about that. I know we both want it and I know we're not going to … to," he breathed out; blushing at the frank conversational way he was talking about having sex with this boy.
"Have sex right away but I still want to touch you. I want to be able to get used to things before we … and you won't let me. You keep pushing me away as if I'm doing something wrong by wanting to feel you or-or …" He broke off; watching the way Blaine's skin had steadily flushed a deep red; his eyebrows drawing low over his eyes, mouth pinching. Blaine swallowed and looked away; drawing back a little.
His eyes closed. "You're right, I have been hesitating to get too close, Kurt but it's not because of anything you've done. Believe me," his eyes opened; burning; hot and dark and full of something unspoken that made Kurt's throat close tight; caused heat to flood his body.
"I want to do all those things too."
"When why?"
Blaine's expression flickered; closed off and he looked down. Silence reigned.
Kurt felt his anger getting the better of him. "Okay, well. When you feel like sharing, Blaine you can come find me. I have to get to class." He was being unreasonable, catty and he hated that Blaine could do this to him, make him act this way. His hand was on the doorknob before there was a sharp intake of breath behind him and he found himself being pulled around; roughly pressed against the door; Blaine's mouth hot and insistent on his own.
"You drive me crazy," he was hissing between kisses; his hands sliding everywhere at once and his voice lost somewhere between vibrating anger and fear. "You know that?"
Kurt couldn't reply with anything but a moan; clutching at Blaine's shoulders and wrapping himself around him so tightly he could feel the rapid pounding of Blaine's heart through his shirt. "I hate the way you keep things to yourself," he panted out as Blaine's fingers knitted through his hair and Kurt sucked his tongue into his mouth; pressing his pelvis against Blaine's as he lurched forward; pushing Kurt further against the door. They rocked together; Blaine's other hand cupping his face; holding him in place while he molested Kurt's mouth.
"Blaine, Blaine." Kurt was saying his name over and again like a mantra as he clutched the other boy close and Blaine gave a muffled moan; face now pressed into the side of Kurt's neck. They were both breathing hard and Blaine set a lingering kiss to Kurt's neck, his pulse skittering beneath the skin before he drew back to simply stare into his boyfriend's eyes; a thumb rubbing against Kurt's bruised mouth.
Kurt could sense the impending withdrawal.
"Don't." He begged, and threw a leg around Blaine's calf; hooking him inward. A hand ventured down; pressed over his pants where he'd grown hard and Blaine's mouth opened; he let out a noise that might have been a vowel and a hand slammed against the door beside Kurt's head. "Kurt, God. Please, d-" Before Blaine could frame the denial, Kurt leaned in and swallowed it with his mouth as his fingers framed the outline of the other boy's cock. Stroked over it. Blaine was making rough; desperate sounds that Kurt had never heard before but knew for a fact he wanted to draw out more often for the effect they were having on him, if nothing else.
He was so hard his entire body ached with it.
"You want it too. Just let me." He whispered hotly against Blaine's ear and the other boy shuddered; ripping himself away with force. "No, I.. I don't want to. Not here."
"What is your problem, Blaine?" At some point Kurt realized he was shouting at his boyfriend and he blinked; his eyes pricking with tears. Oh God, why was he yelling at Blaine. He didn't mean to do it, but he was frustrated and horny and upset and … he didn't understand what was going on. At all. Blaine had wrapped his arms around himself and dropped his face down and it wasn't until his shoulders started to shake that Kurt realized he was crying.
Kurt's lips parted; he pushed away from the door and had his arms around Blaine in a heartbeat; shushing him; petting ineffectually at his hair; shoulders; cheek. Anything he could conceivably reach. "Blaine I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you, please, Blaine. Don't cry. Don't cry. Honey, talk to me." Kurt felt Blaine's tears warm against his shoulder and collected him into his embrace; fingers smoothing the curls at the base of his neck.
Blaine clung to him for a long time.
They had been sitting on the floor; backs braced to the door for a while before Blaine began to speak.
He had his head resting on Kurt's shoulder; their fingers linked together; Kurt's other gently stroking through his dark hair while they waited out whatever frenzy had just passed between them. The quiet after the storm; or the stillness before one was unleashed. Kurt wasn't really sure which was more fitting as he waited for Blaine to let him in. Lower those frustratingly high walls he'd set around himself for so long.
"Remember when I told you about .. my old school."
"Mm."
Kurt's fingers stilled a moment against Blaine's scalp; then carried on. "Kurt, I … " He could feel Blaine struggling with something and turned his face; seeking his mouth. He kissed Blaine once, twice, so gently. Little brushes of his lips. "Go on," he encouraged. Blaine shuddered, and leaned his head back against the door; thumping it gently. Kurt watched his fingers flexing into claws; releasing.
"I'm not a virgin, Kurt."