Addison first realized she was in love with Mark during her ninth anniversary dinner. It was the first evening out Derek had managed to attend in over six months. Every time they made plans, he inevitably let her down and asked Mark to accompany her instead. The first few times it had happened she'd been upset. Not that she didn't like spending time with Mark, but planning a romantic night with your husband and then spending it with his best friend does start to put a dampener on your relationship. So on their anniversary Addison sat quietly in her favourite restaurant expecting Mark to arrive any moment. She was a little shocked when Derek walked through the door and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. The anticipation and excitement she'd been feeling all day disappeared and she found her heart sinking a little. She felt guilty for not enjoying her husband's company on one of the rare occasions they could share time together. It was only half way through the dinner, after stilted conversations had dried up completely and a tense silence drowned them, that Addison recognized the disappointment that was eating her up from inside. It hit her like a brick wall that she had nothing in common with Derek. She no longer felt any kind of connection with the man sitting across the table from her. She loved him, for sure, but in the way she loved Archer. She loved him like a brother. She had to love him, it was an obligation. She didn't like him anymore. She didn't like what he'd become, and she hated what she'd become because of him. She sure as hell wasn't in love with him anymore.
She set down her knife and fork gently on her plate, pushing aside the food she'd barely touched. Her fingers massaged her temples, trying to dispel all thoughts running through her mind at this moment, and conjure up a completely irrelevant topic to have one more shot at small talk.
"Headache?" she heard Derek ask. She nodded involuntarily, not wanting to lie, but finding it infinitely easier than even contemplating voicing her true thoughts. She had never been one for public confrontation, and feigning illness might at least end the meal early and hurry them home where she could begin the conversation that would ultimately end their marriage.
Derek didn't hurry. He finished his main course then pondered the dessert menu, before ordering coffee. He seemed oblivious to Addison's furrowed brow and heavy sighs. The silence still hung over them like a thunder cloud.
As their cab pulled up outside the brownstone they'd called home for the last eight years, Addison stepped out expecting Derek to follow her. He waited until she was out on the sidewalk before calling after her..."Since we're finished up early I think I'll head back to the hospital, I have a neuroblastoma patient I want to check on. Don't wait up." With that he instructed the driver to take him back to work and began to close the car door. Addison stood cold on the sidewalk, partially in shock at being abandoned again and partially kicking herself for not foreseeing this. He didn't hear her protest as she tried to explain that the needed to talk. She barely made it to "I think we..." before the cab sped off. He definitely didn't hear her curse as she headed up the steps and pushed open the front door.
He didn't see her anymore. She was just a mere insignificant presence in his life. Someone who left meals in the refrigerator for him to reheat, changed the linen on the bed and left clean towels in the bathroom for him. Like a silent housekeeper who didn't want payment. Only she did want payment. Not a cash reward, just some kind of affection or attention once in a while. Was that a lot for a woman to ask of her husband? Addison didn't think she was being unreasonable.
She made herself comfortable on the couch with a glass of red and her favourite sweats on. She started to contemplate calling Mark but dismissed the idea immediately. He'd come over straight away, and though she wanted to see him she knew it was better if she didn't. He'd be on her side, he'd make her feel good about herself and then he'd leave and she couldn't face any of those prospects at the moment. She knew he'd be on her side because he always was. It seemed like he was no longer Derek's best friend but Addison's instead. He defended her in all of their arguments and always backed up her opinions. He always found a way to make her smile, even when all she wanted to do was cry. He'd let her lean her head on his shoulder, and he'd stroke her hair and he'd tell her Derek was an ass for treating her the way he did. Then just as Addison would make up her mind that tonight would be the night she'd kiss Mark, see where it lead and to hell with the consequences, he'd kiss her on the forehead or the tip of her nose and tell her to go to bed whilst he saw himself out. Because that's what he always did. Tonight Addison couldn't handle any of that. She didn't want him to make her smile, she wanted to cry and yell and get rid of all the hurt and anger she'd bottled up. She didn't want him to make her feel good, she wanted to wallow in self loathing. She was having improper thoughts about a man that wasn't her husband and she was about to end her marriage. The two may have been connected or they may not, she couldn't be sure, but she was sure she couldn't stay with Derek. She didn't want to show any restraint, she wanted to tangle her fingers in Mark's hair and kiss him until she couldn't breathe. And she didn't want him to leave. She definitely didn't want him to leave. Not tonight, not ever. So she didn't call him. If he didn't come over he wouldn't have the chance to leave her.
Addison turned off the movie that had been playing in the background. She hadn't watched any of it but liked to have sounds filling the house. She liked to pretend she wasn't alone. She topped up her glass and headed to bed, leaving the light on in the hallway in case Derek came home. Not that she expected him to. Her heavy feet felt like lead carrying her up the stairs, matching the heavy feeling of her heart in her chest. As she curled up under the comforter she realized to herself that no matter how much she hated it, she was alone. And even if Derek did come home, she'd still feel alone.
Despite preparing herself on this particular night to end her marriage, Addison found herself in a similar situation twelve months down the line. She had tried numerous times over the last year to broach the subject of separation with Derek, but all of her attempts had been unsuccessful. Mainly because the longest amount of time they ever spent together was ten minutes, whilst Addison would grab breakfast before heading out to work and Derek would pass her in the kitchen to take a glass of water to bed after working all night. The same again in the evening, Addison would arrive home from the hospital to find Derek eating dinner alone. They'd attempt small talk, but the conversations were almost always one sided, and always ended with Derek saying he had to leave.
So on their tenth anniversary they didn't bother to make plans for dinner. Addison left Derek's gift on the nightstand before she left for work, an incredibly expensive but not particularly nice pair of cuff-links. She arrived home twelve hours later to find a card on the coffee table with a signed blank cheque inside, and a quick scribble...'treat yourself.' This angered her on a number of levels; his lack of effort, his apparent overlooking of their anniversary, his thinking that throwing money at the situation would make it better. Even if money could have fixed their problems, Addison had enough of her own; she didn't need Derek's too. Needless to say the cheque was torn up and thrown away before she even removed her coat.
This year, Addison didn't want to be alone. She wanted to talk and cry and yell, and she wanted to take out all her frustrations on someone other than herself. Luckily enough, she knew just the person who would allow her to vent her anger without taking offence...who would allow her to yell and cry and then wipe away her tears... who would listen to anything she had to say without judgement, who would offer advice when it was needed and agree with all of her points.
Mark arrived with take-out food twenty minutes after she had put the phone down. He explained that he didn't know whether she was hungry or not, to which her reply was to shake her head slowly and wrinkle her nose. After leaving the food on the dinner table, Mark returned to Addison in the sitting room, nursing a glass of wine and staring blankly at the TV. "You wanna talk?" He asked, sitting beside her. Addison nodded but didn't make any attempt to speak. She laughed pitifully at herself. She was annoyed at herself for being here, in the exact situation she had wanted to avoid last year. This time she wanted him to be here, to comfort her and soothe her and stay with her. She was feeling all the same emotions, only more intensely. Angrier, sadder, lonelier. She had spent a whole year wearing a disguise, telling the whole world her marriage was fine, that she was fine, that everything was just fine. Only tonight, the mask was coming off. She needed to let someone know that she was not fine. That she was feeling unloved, and unappreciated and undesired. That she'd been having inappropriate thoughts about the man who used to be her husband's best friend. It made no difference that that man was now her best friend. Her confidante, her ally, her rock, port in a storm and all those other clichés.
"Ten years..." she began. "Ten years we've been married, you know that?"
Part of him felt it was a rhetorical question, but she made no further attempt to speak so he replied. "Yeah, congratulations. I left your gift at the hospital though, sorry. I'll pick it up tomorrow, I figured we could..."
"Ten happy years. Ha, what a joke." She didn't seem to hear him speaking. Not once did her eyes break away from the TV. "Eight years happy maybe. One indifferent...and one completely miserable."
Mark had no words of comfort for her, he just took her small hand in both of his own and held it softly, rubbing small circles over her palm with his thumb. He knew she had been unhappy for a while, but he'd never wanted to broach the subject with her. She'd never been one for spilling her emotions, she was more the 'bottle it up until it explodes' type. She couldn't be forced to talk, all he could do was wait until she was ready and then be available to listen. That's exactly what he was doing now; listening, taking it all in before offering her a shoulder to cry on. Literally. He reached around her back and pulled her head closer until it was resting on his shoulder. He twirled thick strands of her hair around his fingers and made soothing noises, as her inevitable tears began to fall. Up until a year ago he could probably have counted on one hand the number of times he'd seen Addison cry, but now it was an all too familiar occurrence. He could sense the signs before the tears actually fell. She'd talk bluntly and try to make jokes. Then she'd stop talking completely and bite her lip, and stare off into space or look down at her lap. That was always his cue to pull her close and hold her. Just hold her. Like her husband should.
It often made Mark's blood boil when he thought of Addison being neglected by Derek. She was an amazing woman, smart and talented, not to mention beyond beautiful. That old feeling of jealousy had never really gone away, it had just been locked away deep in the back of his mind in the hope that it would never re-surface, but at times like this he couldn't help but notice it creeping to the forefront. Derek was stupid for not realising he was married the most remarkable woman. He took her for granted, he didn't appreciate her. Mark did. He was astounded by her, in awe of her. And ever so slightly in love with her. So that was why, when she lifted her head and her green eyes searched to meet his gaze, he kissed her.
It was spontaneous. It was quick. He pulled away instantly as though her lips had burned him and stood up from the couch, half turning away. He heard her sigh and set down her glass on the coffee table. He tensed his shoulders in anticipation, waiting for a torrent of abuse and possibly a fist to land on him. His demeanour softened when she slid her right hand into the crook of his arm and pulled to turn his body to face her. She took hold of both of his hands and attempted a heartfelt smile. He closed his eyes briefly, trying to shake away all thoughts of kissing her. He wanted to kiss her, so badly. He wanted to kiss her and never stop doing so. He wanted to hold her until everything else faded away, until nothing else mattered. In truth, nothing else did matter. The only thing preventing him from making his move was fear. Fear that she didn't want him to kiss her, fear that she'd reject him and he'd lose her completely. Fear that maybe she was just looking for a replacement for Derek. But even that fear wasn't enough to stop him. He had two options; ignore the fear and kiss her anyway, or walk away and spend the rest of his life with a new fear. Fear that he'd missed his chance. That he could have been happy, and made Addison happy, but he'd thrown it away because of a little fear. So he kissed her again.
He'd wanted to kiss her many times before, but he'd always managed to hold on to that last scrap of restraint. She wasn't his to kiss. That fact had always been enough to stop him, but not his time. He needed to tell her that he'd appreciate her, he'd cherish her. He would love her for as long as she would allow him to, and probably even when she wouldn't allow him to.