A/N: I've been getting in a writing mood...I guess that's a good thing huh?

"To say that fire is dangerous is an understatement. It's more than dangerous. It's like a snake, it creeps up on you without you knowing it. It scares you, bites you on the leg and holds on. It doesn't matter if you're physically hurt or not, it still takes something from you whether it be pride, possession or life, if it comes to that.

"You tell your children to be careful around it, to not play with it because bad things can happen. Why are we worried about the children playing with fire? Children never do anything intentional when it comes to fire; it's the adults you have to worry about. But we don't think of that do we? We never think that it could be lurking around the corner, ready to bite us when we least expect it. You'd think after being bit so many times you would learn...but people never learn."

-Makoto Shishio

15.

I hadn't gotten to know Yumi Komagata very well, but you didn't need to know her to really know her. She was pretty woman and she had this way of walking, this strut, that could stop a man in his tracks. Of course, everyone knew she was once an exotic dancer, at least every man knew she was. I could see the envy burning in some of my friend's eyes when Shishio came to one of the meetings with her hanging off of his arm.

"I don't get to listen in?" she asked, somewhat dumbly, as he ascended the stairs. He just gave her this wiley smile and closed the door. I was just ahead of him, leaning against the wall as if I were some kind of valet escorting the members upstairs.

"She's new," I said as he passed me.

"She's mine," he replied protectively. I furrowed my brows, curious as to why he would say that to me of all people. "What happened with you and that Yukishiro?" he asked me as we reached the landing, a sort of antechamber to the meeting room. I still had the bruises ringing around my neck where he'd tried to choke me with the bike chain.

"Nothing."

"It's not like you have to tell me what happened," he said, "at least not what happened in the kitchen. Everyone knows what happened there. I just want to know who you fucked with to make him that pissed off at you."

"I didn't fuck with anyone," I said, realizing that I was lying through my teeth. "He's still boiling able the past."

"Ah, the woman," Shishio snickered. He rolled his eyes and turned his back to me, but I could feel him smiling at the whole thing. I'd never really gotten along with Shishio, but I tolerated him enough to have a decent conversation once in a while. That was, of course, when his ego didn't get in the way of the conversation. "So, how is the woman anyways? She still untouchable because of you?"

"Not exactly," I said. He tried walking away from me, but I refused to let him. I grabbed his arm, pulling him back into a corner. Another member passed us, nodding his head to us. I waited until it was empty before I said: "He said she'd died and I don't if that's true."

"Do you really care?"

The look in his eyes had changed from amused to annoyed. I shrugged my shoulders and walked around in a circle, my hands in my pockets. "I don't know if I care or not," I said. "It was a long time ago but, she is the mother..."

"Is she?" he asked, raising his brows. "I thought little Kaoru was Kenji's mommy," he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

"She is but..." my fingers pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. "I don't know what to do. My mind is going in ten million different directions, not to mention that I have everyone and their mother on my tail for God knows what reasons. I lucky I haven't went to prison yet," I was talking to this man as if he knew all the answers despite my mind telling me that he was slimier than a toad. The snickering came back much to my displeasure and I rolled my shoulders to try and get rid of it. I sighed. "I don't know if she's even dead, not to mention that..."but I stopped. I didn't want to say it, and I knew why I didn't want to say it. The words were stuck in my throat ready to tear right out. "I don't know what I'm saying."

"Keep going," he goaded.

"No, it's almost time for the meeting," I said, trying to put it on the back burner. It was a problem I could solve without getting the whole family involved. I trudged ahead, my hands in my pockets. Behind me Shishio lurked, much like a shadow. He was attached to me now and wasn't too willing to let go.

The meeting was a calm affair compared to previous ones, but the topic of discussion came up about Enishi attacking me. I shrugged it off calmly; I didn't want to be involved, but of course I couldn't help but be involved. I rubbed my neck where the bruises were, but I was aware that I held them with a certain amount of pride. My hand went up to the scar on my face, tracing along the cross shape. I thought of Tomoe, and of how she was the cause of it all. I winced, looking around the room. It wasn't the bruises or the scar. My heart hurt for the first time in a long time. The once held regret that I had, the fear of not knowing where she was after she disappeared had come back, itching its way up my throat. Of course, it could be said that it was indigestion, and I'm sure a doctor would have said that, but this wasn't something that a doctor could diagnose, only me.

"You okay?" Aoshi whispered to me. I nodded, my hand massaging my chest. It subsided as I let Tomoe slip further into my mind, but I knew it would return.

I didn't know where she was, if she was really dead, or if Enishi was just using anything he could to act out venegence. I couldn't be so apathetic about it as some could. My brows furrowed as I looked over to Aoshi, now disinterested.

As we descended the stairs I wasn't surprised to see Kaoru waiting for me at the foot of the steps. She smiled and took my hand, squeezing it. When I didn't respond to her, she walked in front of me curiously. "You alright?" I was so lost, thinking about Tomoe, I couldn't look at her straight. I did my best making eye contact and smiling, but I didn't think it was very convincing.

I couldn't just come out and tell her about Tomoe. All she knew was that Kenji wasn't hers, but she didn't know who the woman was that I had done it with, and that was just as well. I didn't want to bring any more horror into our home than I was already. "I'm fine, just starving."

"Well I hope you don't mind," Kaoru said, "but I stole one of your cookbooks before we left and me and the girls all cooked up some stuff from it."

"Smells delicious."

This was me and my wife, my Kaoru; the one I had pined over for years. She walked ahead of me, meeting up with the other women, chatting away. I stood back, looking at her as she leaned over the table, trying to dish the food onto a plate. My heart began hurting again. This woman was the one that I was eternally in love with; this woman was the one that I was suppose to worry about, suppose to protect and suppose to love with all my heart and soul and yet...my heart hurt for another. I wondered what cruel person would make me so confused about myself and about the people that I loved. I massaged my chest again, a few people's curious eyes looking at me.

"Daddy?" I heard. Kenji tugged on my pant leg. "Daddy are you okay?"

I reached down and picked him up, his hands reaching around my neck. Kenji was usually distant with me, or unconcerned. What could I expect though? This level of concern was unnerving. "Fine Kenji," I bounced him momentarily, feigning dropping him so he would laugh. He had sauce all over his face.

"I got a plate for you Ken," Kaoru held it out to me.

"I'm going to take it outside," I said, setting Kenji on the ground. He remained close to me, attaching to my leg the way he did when I first met him. "I need a little air, it's stuffy in here."

"Alright. I'll be out in a minute then," she replied, touching my shoulder warmly.

I went outside sitting on the side stoop, my plate in my lap. I wasn't hungry at all, in fact I felt queasy, especially when I looked at all the food that Kaoru had piled onto my plate. It was like she thought I was Sanosuke. Still, I tried to eat some of it to be nice. The door opened again, Kenji coming to sit next to me, a plate in his lap too. He didn't say anything but it was comforting to have him sitting next to me. "You guys talk lots," Kenji said finally, "what do you talk about?"

"Family stuff."

"Like parties?"

He was only four but he was pretty sharp. "Sometimes. We organize a lot of stuff."

"That's why the parties are so cool," Kenji said. "The thing that happened at my birfday, was that planned Daddy?"

"No, no it wasn't." I put down my plate and picked Kenji up, settling him in my lap comfortable. "What happened then was a lack of planning," I said to him. "It was something we didn't expect to happen, and don't want happening again."

"Are they bad people?" he asked. He was playing with the tie I was wearing, his plate discarded next to mine. Kaoru was standing beside us now, the door partially open. I leaned back against the siding of the house, sighing. How was I suppose to tell a four year old that the people that were there to protect the average citizen weren't ever going to protect him?

"Not really," I said. "They can be, but they're not, and I don't want you to ever think that alright?" he nodded vehemently, pulling on my tie.

"Come on Kenji," Kaoru held out her arms to the boy, "let's leave Daddy alone. Go talk to Grandpa Hiko okay?"

"But I don't wanna!" he whined. Kaoru let her arms fall to her sides. She picked up the plates and knelt down next to us. "I wanna stay with Daddy."

"You sure?"

He nodded again, and I could see where he was pouting at having to leave. Kaoru giggled, kissed us both and went into the house. Just as she went in, Shishio and Yumi came out, the woman hanging all over Shishio as if she didn't have a leg to stand on. "Well, I know this is a riot and all..."he said, as if he had to explain himself. "Himura, you mind switching rides with me?"

"Why?"

"I think the Feds are on me again, and I need something that looks family friendly."

"You forget to go to your P.O. again?"

He shrugged. I shifted Kenji from leg to another. He'd put his arms around my neck again, almost as if he were afraid. "You shouldn't bring the kid every time. He can be a nuisance."

"He hasn't harmed a fly," I retorted. "Besides, it's just family right?"

"Whatever you say. You gonna let me borrow your car or not?"

I stood up begrudged, but I wasn't going to deny him. I walked over to the car and unlocked it, pulling out Kenji's toys and the .25 I had under the front seat. I tossed they keys to him, and he gave me his. I walked back to the porch, and just as I was about to sit down there was an ear splitting explosion coming from behind. I fell down, Kenji nearly crushed beneath me, crying already. I rolled over, propping myself up on my elbows to look at the car. Both Yumi and Shisho lay on the ground, fire climbing high into the sky. People came rushing out of the house, running by me and Kenji. I cradled my son, crawling backward until my legs felt like working again. Heat was radiating around us, and Yumi was screaming bloody murder. She wasn't harmed but for the searing on her left arm, but Shishio was collapsed by the driver's side, barely anything recognizeable left of him. I tucked Kenji's face into my chest, trying to save him from the worst of it. He reached an ear splitting cry, and I couldn't blame him; I wanted to cry too.

It was almost a miracle that Shishio survived. At the same time, it wasn't, and I was aware of that. It was my car, ergo, it was my fault. But of course it wasn't my fault, which the family understood whole heartedly. There would have been no reason for me to sabotage my own car, or think that Shishio was planning on borrowing it in the near future.

It was thoroughly inspected by some of our men, and it was revealed that a bomb had been rigged to go off the moment the ignition was turned.

I sat playing cards nearly a week later, Sanosuke sitting across from me, Aoshi to my right and Tsunan to my left. Yahiko was sitting around with us, seeing as we were using the floor of the restaurant, long closed up for the night, to play. He was going between the bar and the floor with glasses in his hands. I looked at him and reminisced. I'd never done this particular job (it always went to someone else, for some strange reason) but I could sympathize with him. He was trying his hardest to get on our good sides, probably because he hadn't mentioned that he was in deep water with the Yukishiro's as well. He didn't know we knew, but we had gotten in a few scuffles for his sake. We had to protect him, at least after Hiko had thoroughly interrogated him to make sure he didn't have any connections with the Yukishiro's that still stood.

We knew that his father had been killed by them for a reason unknown (because he insulted one of them, Yahiko had said, but I wasn't sure it was thatreason exactly). His mother was wallowing away with grief and he was doing all that he could to try to make it easier for her. Switching sides wouldn't have been my first option, but with the way that he was talking, the Yukishiro's were taking every penny the Myojin's had and it barely paid for their interest on whatever debt that was owed, it was obvious that it was his only option.

"You should go see him him Ken," Sanosuke tried persuading me. I lowered my head and looked at my cards, a dead hand. Tsunan was raising, leaving me to decide my move. I quickly folded, throwing my cards aside.

"How can I?" I asked. Yahiko was sitting at the next table over, an empty glass in his hand. He'd been drinking just like us, though I kept a sharp eye on him.

"It wasn't your fault," Sanosuke argued. "It had to be someone sneaking around the place. Someone who doesn't like you."

"That could be a million people."

"Don't think it would be the police," Aoshi said cooling, calling Sanosuke's raise. "They may do some stupid things but they wouldn't go so far as to blow up something could be evidence."

"I wouldn't totally say that," Sanosuke said. "Maybe that's what they're wanting us to think."

"It's probably Enishi, or one of his lackeys."

"Lackey; I don't see that dipshit getting his hands dirty," Sanosuke said, folding. Aoshi took the chips from the middle of the table after he'd won them away from Tsunan. "Look, I know you're trying to pretend that there ain't something going on, but whatever the hell you think is so important to hide better damn well be important or else," he said, as if he already knew what it was. "'Ey Yahiko!"

"Yeah?"

"C'mere," he said, motioning the boy over. Yahiko stood over Sanosuke's shoulders as he started to deal. "Take a good look at Ken and tell me what sparks your interest."

"Sano..."I said, half warning him, half laughing at him for being a fool.

"He's red headed."

"Wow, sharp," Sanosuke stuck out his tongue, visibly biting it at the boy. Despite this harshness, it was still something that was different from all of us. Most of the men I knew were dark headed; I stuck out obnoxiously. "Keep looking okay?"

I sat still, wondering what Sanosuke was game Sanosuke was playing. "He had a really cool scar."

"Really eh?" Sanosuke reached over, flicking my hair out of the way. "Hey you're right, would you look at that. Wanna know how he got it?" I look at Sanosuke with fervor and wondered if I had ever actually told him how I had gotten my scar. He was aware that was injured and then Tomoe had left, but I didn't think that I'd ever told anyone what had happened.

"Well..." Yahiko looked to me instead of Sanosuke. "If it's alright with Mr. Himura."

I lowered my head and picked up my cards. "There's no reason for him to know Sanosuke." I said, playing along with whatever weird thing that Sanosuke had cooked up.

"I don't see why not."

"It's my business," I said simply. I resisted smiling at the cards I had: a pair of aces as well as a king of hearts, a two of clubs and a queen of spades.

"Yeah well, it was our business when you walked in the restaurant looking like the living dead," Sanosuke said, adding a few chips to the pot.

"It looked worse than it was," I replied.

"When did you get it?" Yahiko pulled his chair up closer to the table. I skimmed over Aoshi and Tsunan, wondering if they were going to interject, but it seemed obvious that they were just as curious as Yahiko was, at least as to the 'why'.

"About five years ago," I said. "Can we get on with the game?"

"Oh, I fold," Tsunan said immediately, as though he knew what I had. I kept a cool demeanor still, giving Sanosuke occasional galnces of malcontent. Finally he said:

"I bet it has something to do with Tomoe," he said this affirmatively, as if it was already set in stone. "She wasn't at your apartment back when I was there."

I wanted to retaliate, to try and prove it wasn't true, but I knew the only thing that I could really do was lie. I lowered my eyes to my cards and stayed level headed. I pretended as if Sanosuke hadn't said anything to me, but the eyes of the others around me made it nearly impossible.

"If it did have something to do with Tomoe then it would explain why she was gone," Aoshi said coolly. "She did it to him then he threw her out," he said rationally. My fingers pinched the cards and my back straightened. I pushed a few more chips into the middle, raising the call. I would never throw her out I said to myself she was my...my what? I caught words every now and then of what the three were saying. Yahiko was sitting back and listening to the conversation, his eyes on me, curious to see how I reacted. Finally I slammed my hand of cards on the table, gripping the tablecloth as I stood up.

"It's none of your business!" I yelled, trying to refrain from being vulgar, but then, it just came natural: "I don't give a fuck what you think about her, or about me, or about anything that's happened! I don't care anymore!"

The words were more used to settle them than they were to try and make sense. The blank looks that my friends were giving me gave me assurance that I'd made my point. I let go of the table and walked away without another word, glancing back one last time as I walked out the door and toward Kaoru's car, one I had been borrowing for the time being. My stomach was queasy, and my heart was heavier than before. The ache came back.

"Ken!"

"Go away."

"Ken," Sanosuke put one of his hands on my shoulder. "Ken look, I was just joking around. I was just trying to have a good time, make some conversation."

I massaged my chest, my breath getting heavy. "I know your mad," he continued, taking my symptoms for this, "I'll shut up okay. I know Tomoe is one of those sore spots. I didn't mean to..."

I leaned against the car, my body weak and tired. My knees were starting to buckle on me, my heart racing. I didn't understand this. Was it sickness? I hadn't been sick in the longest time. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been ill, other than me being shot. "Ken, whatsamatter?"

"My chest," I said, heaving. "It's just...tight."

"Is your...arm hurting you or..?"

"I don't know, I'm just having trouble breathing," I said. It sounded like one big guilt trip, but I couldn't have sounded more convincing if someone started to choke me. Sanosuke pulled me away from the side of the car, opening the door and settling me in the driver's seat.

"Sit tight, I'll get a doctor or something."

"No, it's okay," I said, greedily sucking in breath even though it wouldn't go in too well. "I'll be...I'll..."my mind was going so fast I couldn't think. Everything was whizzing through it as though there were a thousand bees that had just gotten shaken.

"I'm taking you to the doctor."

I opened my eyes, and standing there next to Sanosuke I could swear I saw the smiling face, the shiny hair, the pallid skin...Tomoe looked as radiant as when I first saw her. It was as if time had turned back, as if it were allowing me a second chance and yet...I saw past it's facade. I lowered my face into my hands, tears bubbling in my eyes.

"Ken?" Sanosuke shook my shoulder. "Ken, what's the matter?"

"It's all my fault," I said, as though he understood. I couldn't utter much more. I just sat there, depressed as when Kaoru left, as when Tomoe left. I took the heaviest breath I could, and it seemed as though my chest had calmed somewhat. I didn't cry a weepy cry, but let it stream down my face, like rain. I tried to keep it covered as best I could, especially after hearing several more footsteps. Sanosuke sat next to me, trying to coax me into a conversation about I don't know.

"Mr. Himura?" I heard out of Yahiko. I glanced up. "I'm sorry," he said, "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, no," I said, wondering if maybe it was best that he did. "It's alright."

I looked beside Yahiko, and there she still stood, her hands at her waist as if she were a saint. She beamed at me, but I couldn't smile back...it was hard to...especially when I didn't know if she was really dead or not.

"What are we going to do about it?" Shinsaku asked. "We're not safe. If they attack Himura, they'll attack everyone else. We can stand by and watch this happen." He was fiery, but somewhat reserved because of his illness. I stood in the corner of Hiko's living room, curious about the same thing. Hiko pretended that I didn't exist, just looked toward Shinsaku with this strange mix of pity and understanding.

"The premises had already been vacated," Hiko said. "Any article that could incriminate us has been taken away. I'm going to have the Sagara's deal with the remainders. As for the attacks, I can't just meander my way into the situation, especially if I'm making accusations that may or may not be true."

"The son is the only one that would," Shinsaku said. "You know that well."

"You're ill," Hiko said sympathetically. "You shouldn't be dealing with these things. We can handle it from here on out. We'll be finding a new place to call home. I have Tsukioka scouting out a nice place. It won't take as long to get to either."

"Ill as I am or not," Shinsaku nearly roared, "I'm not going to sit around and let our people be maimed because you can't keep a tight reign on the Yukishiro's. As far as I'm concerned, you're no leader, it will always be Kogoro."

"Kogoro is dead," Hiko said, his voice turning icy. "You allegiance to me is your allegiance to this family. We can't dwell in the past, the times have changed."

Shinsaku rose up from his seat, obviously annoyed. "You'll see," he said, jabbing a bony finger toward Hiko, "you'll see eventually."

He then left, Hiko staying rigid in his chair. I walked out from the corner, taking the seat that Shinsaku had been occupying. Hiko was stone faced, seemingly unfazed. "What did you want?" he asked.

"I was wondering if you knew someone who was good at getting information."

"Are you asking a favor?"

"It has to do with To...the Yukishiro's," I said, barely catching my blunder. Hiko saw through my words.

"I know some people," he said, "but I want to be sure what I'm getting myself into." Even though he was my father sometimes it felt different.

"I want to know about Tomoe."

He sighed. "What about her?"

"I just want to know if she had indeed passed away."

Hiko looked at me with these sad eyes. "You're still lovestruck aren't you?" he questioned. I gave a wishy washy response with my head tilting to each side. "If you are, you need to get rid of those dumb feelings. You have a wife and a son to be caring for."

"You think I don't know that?" I asked. "This is why I want to settle this."

"Will knowing she's dead make you feel any better?" Hiko asked. "You'll just sulk about it if she is, and be confused if she isn't. You should honor you wife! That is one of the rules you must follow."

I lowered my head. "I am faithful! I do honor her. But if I don't know this, how can I? How can I go around confused? It only makes it look worse."

"I have enough problems dealing with the Yukishiro's," he said coldly. "I will not have you screwing things up again."

The words shot me, but I had to deal with it. It was Hiko's final decision. I got up from the chair, only to have him stop me just as I was at the door. "I want you to do something," he said. "For the family."

"What's that?"

"Ask Sano," he said, "he'll tell you."

I shook my head. Something told me that I really didn't want to know.

A/N: COnfusion...confusion....confusion....well till next time, KenSan out!