I still don't own Gossip Girl or any of its characters. Criticism, reviews and suggestions are appreciated:D (Heck it's all love:D)
Eva, episode 4x04
You're furious and hurt as you pack your back and leave this world behind; this fairy tale you almost believed in. You should have known it was too good to be true and it doesn't matter that he comes crawling back, apology in hand and begging you to stay because it's not worth it. Even if you love him it's not worth it. You've got admit that it gets to you, though, his plea, the heartfeltness of 'Everybody leaves' because even if you haven't known him for that long you think you've come to understand him (love him). But even while you pity him you can't let go of the anger and the sense that you're better than this. Even in your years working the streets in Prolovka you've never had anyone treat you like this, had anyone get to you like this. (You can't help but think that even in your rage you're still echoing fairy tales because once upon a time in another world a redheaded girl told a rich guy that there's no point in dressing up a prostitute if you're going to treat her like one just the same and here you are doing the same, it's ironic considering how you've always tried to shut your mind to anything that wasn't real and here you are falling into all the clichés).
The anger takes you back over the Atlantic and it's only when you've settled back into life, working that job at your uncles that he fled from, that you catch yourself thinking: 'If this was a film he would have come back to me by now'. Even your location plays up to that theme, because what better city to find love and forgiveness than Paris – film history is full of examples. But it doesn't matter because you came to work not to dream, besides your prince hasn't come to save you and it was all too good to be true anyway, until it wasn't. (Did you ever think you life was a fairy tale anyway?). But the truth is you're not as sad about it as you thought you would be, and it's not because you're too angry to mourn him, the fact is you already got more than you ever dreamt of getting; for better and for worse. Because it was all there, all the ingredients for the perfect story of love and redemption. Not just for him but for you too. Poor little girl forced to sell her body to the night saving a stranger and saved in return, closing your eyes a pauper and waking up a princess, it could be that simple. But when is it ever?
The truth is, you've never pitied yourself and never allowed yourself to dream either, you gave up on castles in the sky before you even knew what they meant, sometimes life can be hard enough to live without being complicated by make believe. You've always looked life squarely in the eyes and never flinched because whatever you do whoever you are doesn't matter as long as you can be honest and true to yourself. You wish that didn't make you sound even more like a walking, talking cliché but there it is; there's a reason you didn't bother making up names, new identities depending on your situation. You were Eva Coupeau when as a little girl you helped feeding the newly born kid who had been too weak for the mother to care for, you were Eva Coupeau still while you worked the midnight hour on the streets of Prolovka and you were Eva Coupeau when you let yourself be caught in the world of parties, glitz and glamour (and love) and you're Eva Coupeau now, wiping tables and looking up as you hear the doorbell of the café sound. (It's not because you're expecting him to show up, it really isn't).
The fact is, yes, you cared for him, maybe you did love him and you're pretty sure that he cared for you too, but maybe you were just never meant to go to Manhattan, because it was clear even before that that you'd been miscast, that you didn't belong. And you're not thinking the society galas or the million dollar charity donations but the fact that clearly you'd entered the story as the second Mrs de Winter, only Rebecca was still alive and your Maxim wasn't ready to give her up.
The thing is you've never judged anyone by hearsay or on their past, everybody deserves a clean slate in your book and actions should speak for themselves ('Old Chuck, bad Chuck, new Chuck, good Chuck to me it's one man, one journey' you weren't lying when you said it) but the mentality there was so foreign to you; you've never encountered so many lies, so much hatred and deceitfulness as you did there. You would have lived through it, you really would if only he hadn't let you down but he did and that's the time you remind yourself that your life was not cut out for happily ever after. Movies are machinated by a bunch of people who know how to persuade people that fairy tales can come true and it's a beautiful thought and you were nearly taken in.
Who knows? Maybe he would have given Blair up with time; maybe he'd have stopped comparing, stopped believing in lies and deceit but whatever people may ascribe to you of saintly virtues you refuse to put your life on hold. 'Maybe' is just not good enough, it belongs with 'what ifs' and other words of rosy clouds and knights in shining armour; it's not the words a former working girl should even know. It's not running away you tell yourself, you're not giving up; you've just always known which battles to fight and which aren't worth your time.
You know you made the right decision because he hasn't shown up on your doorstep; whatever you meant to him it clearly wasn't enough. And you're not disappointed, you refuse to be disappointed because you never expected it anyway; never expected it to happen at all and never expected it to last when it did. Most people you know don't even get half the fairy tale you did, so maybe you've been lucky? You just hope, for his sake, that he's still being the person you fell in love with but you won't read up on him to check. Another thing you've learnt; never look back. After all, the present is more than enough to deal with because the truth is, while you might have been led to forget in the midst of your whirlwind romance what you told Blair was true; there's a reason you went to Prague and your family still needs you and dreaming of romantic movie endings won't pay any bills.