I still don't own anything. Criticism, suggestions and comments are all welcome:D (in fact they're loved).

I've been working on Nate (and something pre series 4) and then in the way Serena must she comes up and demands attention and who am I to deny her even if she's queue-jumping?:P

Serena, 4x08

The sky is blue, the sun is shining and you're wearing a pretty dress. The setting is perfect for a princess moment and when your prince comes, on Blair's arm of all people, having quit his job to be with you there's a fluttering in your stomach that you mistake for butterflies. Because this is it, this is the time for that final kiss before the credits roll. If my life was like the movies this is when it would end, you think happily as you let him embrace you, your lips meeting his and your thoughts are fixed on the one thought: If I could freeze this moment all would be well.Because it's all so perfect; the perfect guy, the perfect dress, the perfect setting, the perfect romantic gesture, the perfect moment. To an outsider it's no wonder your life seems wonderful, all gold and glitter... of course you know better, because even if right now you won't admit it the fact is it takes more than a gleaming surface to make perfection and your heart's no longer in it. You haven't acknowledged this yet, and you won't for a while, but how else would you explain the fact that a second later you find yourself turning your head, facing the disappointed eyes of someone from your past, someone who also once made your heartstrings flutter.

It's ironic, but for someone determined to live in the present, your past is awfully determined to haunt you –for better and for worse it won't let you go. If you cared to analyse things closely you'd see it's the past that has ensured every relationship you've ever had has ended up on the graveyard. A transgression with a best friend's boyfriend, an old boyfriend continuously popping up trying to revive old times, the memory of a father who never took the time to care. Maybe that's enough to create a film right there, but even if it's your life you'd never accept that as your story. It's too dramatic, too grey and gloomy for you; it leads to questions not answers and there's no prospect of a happy end. So you close your eyes and ignore it, deny the past ever existed. Others might call it escapism, being irresponsible. Personally, you like to call it optimism.

If you weren't such an optimist you might accept defeat immediately. If you listened more to yourself you might recognise that the bells in your head aren't sounding a wedding but a warning, because suddenly the idea of a 'real relationship' with someone you haven't known since high school, an adult with adult demands and expectations, seems the last thing you wanted and that can't be true. The story does end here, but it's not in the romantic way you hoped for. You could admit it already, but you choose to fight a little longer; believe in the illusion at least until the end of the night because it's not fair that you should not get the end you wanted. It's not fair that you can trust your feelings so little; one moment you're certain he's all you've ever wanted the next you just don't care at all.

The fact is; maybe you'd worry less about this if it didn't mean you ended up hurting people, if it wasn't for the fact that everybody puts it down to you being capricious and irresponsible and driven only by desire. Because no matter what it looks like you actually care; about people, your friends, the man in front of you. You never mean to play anyone, never mean to put friend against friend because you can't decide, never mean to make someone do great romantic gestures just to put them down for it. You like to think you're not cruel or heartless; in fact you like to think you're not as irresponsible as people believe either but you suppose when you fixate on the present possible future consequences don't really enter your mind. So maybe you are irresponsible. But you never mean to be. Just like you never mean to be fickle. It's just... you trust your heart completely, but it tells you so many different things within a microsecond that you end up changing your mind constantly.

Still it's changing now and that's the horror. Weeks of pining and whining and agonising and suddenly it's in your grasp and you don't feel anything. No sparks. No excitement about how the night will end. The man beside you is handsome, kind, wonderful but it doesn't matter because your heart doesn't jump for joy and you're starting to recognise that fluttering; it's unease, the fear that you're about to pull a 180 and you don't know how to break it. So you spend the night holding on tightly to his arm, smiling, laughing and you nearly fool yourself into believing that perhaps you get your desired movie ending after all because as you tell Dan before he runs away; he quit his job for you, what more can you ask for. It all makes sense, it's all perfect. He has proven his worth. But it won't do... Because it's not in your nature to stick with things when they don't feel right (maybe it's too perfect, maybe that's the problem); maybe that's the past affecting you too, after all, you've seen what it did to your mother. Five marriages and endless relationships and mostly it just led to frustration and regrets because she didn't follow her heart years and years ago. And she's not the only one. You've seen too many people ignore the whispers of their hearts and they never ended happy and maybe that's because happiness isn't part of the Upper East Side equation but you refuse to accept that.

-x-x-

There's a cab drive, going over today's events and suddenly he's declaring his love in subtle terms –he'll take any risk for you, even face the deceit and lies of the Upper East Side and if that's not love you don't know what is. There's a brief moment where you think: I could have it all. If I spoke now I could literally have it all. But you were meant to speak not think in that moment and he reads your hesitation for what it is. It's okay, you end it amicably. Maybe he's hurt, but you didn't take it too far this time.

So you leave him behind, find yourself standing on the pavement looking at his taxi driving away taking your movie ending with him. If you were a different person this might be the moment when you break down and cry, or stomp your feet in desperation, or go inside and break open a tub of ice. But you're Serena and this is not what you do. So maybe it's reflex, maybe it's destiny, when you find yourself grabbing your phone, making a call (because this is what you do). It seems an innocent gesture to you, just another road your heart has asked you to follow. If you looked to the future you'd see that, ironically, it's bringing you back to that reality you've been meaning to avoid, that endless loop of new roads and the past catching up with you.

However hard you try to get a happy movie ending the fact is there's too much drama in your life for it to be over yet.