Don't own Gossip Girl or its characters.
Comments of any kind are more than appreciated!
Vanessa, 2x12
As you look around you in one of the most embarrassing moments of your life there's a part of you that can't help but appreciate just how perfectly this is set up. There you are, standing in the centre of the group by yourself, everybody around you having magically moved to form a wide circle around you as if they knew this was going to happen, the light is perfectly angled to light up every contour of your body, all you lack is the braces for a perfect recreation of a humiliation scene in the spirit of Never Been Kissed and Romy & Michele's High School Reunion, not that you'd ever admit to having seen either. You're visible to all (too visible) and everyone is here; the prince you thought was charming, the evil step sisters, the betrayed friend turned betrayer. You can't decide what's more humiliating, that you know exactly how you're supposed to react or that you can feel the strange compulsion to actually do so. The thought is bitter when it comes to you, the thought that if life was like the movies this is the moment that would force me never to leave high school behind. There's the unpleasant sensation of a lump of tears getting stuck in your throat. I'd find myself years from now unable to move past this, my life would be a failure and I'd still be waiting for that chance to go back and redo everything. There's a history of chick flick heroines behind you; girls who had a dream but ended up living its caricature whether it be in journalism, fashion or film. You suppose your failed universe would have you make advertisement spots for TV. You wish you could avoid that cliché, avoid all of the clichés of this horrible, humiliating moment but the fact is it does hurt because there's not a single sympathising face in the crowd. There are giggles, smug smiles and OMG comments from boys and girls who think they're better than you because they have more money, better clothes and an address on the Upper East Side. And there's the boy you like standing motionless, just watching and maybe you've no right to expect his help after what you did but it doesn't make you feel any better.
As you turn to leave you feel the urge to just complete this cinematic moment t to perfection by giving dignity a swerve and simply run away to find the comfort in tears and a tub of Ben & Jerry's and you have to remind yourself that you never actually did see the point in downing ice cream just because you've hit a bump (and if it was you'd prefer Van Leeuwen anyway). Besides, you've sworn never to let them see you cry, why give them that satisfaction? And yes, maybe you stole that from another film but when life seems to be constantly crisscrossing into the world of happily (n)ever afters sometimes it's difficult to keep them separated. It's what got you here in the first place after all, isn't it? Girl meets boy from the wrong side of town, girl falls in love with boy, girl loses herself to be with boy, boy dumps girl because girl has changed, girl gets karmic retribution of the ages and learns never to mess with people from other worlds again. Nate, a letter and a see through dress. No, it's not what you'd call an original plot but it sure does the trick, there's a reason these films sell.
Anyway, maybe it's better this way. Better to end things before you get too involved, before you lose yourself completely. It seems your parents were right and riches do corrupt, because what happened to Jenny? And more importantly, what happened to you? One moment you're full of righteous contempt for other people's blackmailing and underhand scheming, the next you're the one hiding letters, breaking trusts. The truth is you probably should be running; not because you're hurt and not because their opinion matters but because when did you waste your time on people whose sole concern is themselves and how other people see them. When did you let them dictate the rules about how you behave?
You hold on to this as you get your shawl from the cloakroom and exit the hall. Use it as a bolster to keep you from minding that other thing you lost inside and which somehow feels worse than all the blooming youth of the Upper East Side pointing fingers at you and laughing. Because even if you can rationalise tonight's events away, even if you can persuade yourself that losing Nate is for the best it doesn't keep it from hurting, just a little. And you're a tough girl and it shouldn't matter, it should be easy to give him up, dead easy, easy as a lie but the truth is it's not. And maybe the truth is that you never were as tough as you thought you were. Sure, you know your mind, have integrity, value independence, and until recently never compromised your principles for anything, but the fact is no man is an island and well, ever since you came back to New York that's how you've been feeling – like an island. Lost is the confidence gained from having friends who think and feel like you, lost is the sense of belonging because somehow you've been spending more time in the vicinity of Fifth Avenue than in Brooklyn this last year. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad if only it didn't feel so lonely. But Dan is too caught up in Serena drama, Jenny is too eager to carve a passage for herself, and Rufus is lost in reminiscences about old romances. But then there was Nate. Who seemed as uncomfortable about his position as you did and maybe it was silly to think that you could create a place of your own, a bubble of fresh air in the midst of the murky world of Upper East Side politics, but you believed it anyway.
Well, it doesn't matter either way because whether you want him or not there's really nothing you can do if he doesn't want you. And you're not going to let this moment ruin you either, in fact you're almost regretting that you stormed away, maybe you should have stayed long enough to give them a piece of your mind, not that they would care anyway. So why do you have to care? Why does their rejection hurt you even though it shouldn't? Whatever happened today you vow to yourself that you're not going to let this romcom cliché extend any further. Anyone knows what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and how you will laugh the day this story will be the first in a documentary series exposing the shallow lives of the Upper East Side; penned, shot and chopped by Vanessa Abrams dedicated to all the lovely people whose life you had the pleasure of becoming a part of in your late teens. It's a nice thought and it almost numbs the feeling of something gnawing at your heart.
It's then, out of the corner of your eye that you suddenly notice him; the boy who wasn't supposed to be here, who wasn't supposed to want you anymore. You find your anger vanishing, all your strength too because he doesn't care, he doesn't care about what you've done, he doesn't care about what the rest of his world thinks, he just wants to see where this goes, maybe even go somewhere with a little backlighting. And suddenly you find your voice wobbling and a tear in your eye because how is it that something so beautiful can come out of such a corrupt world, and how is it he can dismiss public humiliation and dispel twenty years of inevitable traumatic memories with nothing but a smile and pointed remark?
The truth is, maybe you're straying into the movie world again but for once you don't really care. Perhaps it's okay even for down-to-earth girls from Brooklyn to experience a bit of glamour just once in a while?