Uncanny Suicide Squad

Chapter 12: Harley's Babies- Part 1

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to DC.

R-Man's Random Fact- The female spotted hyena has a fake penis. This is due to an overabundance of testosterone. It's mostly used to mark territory, not as a sexual organ.

Suicide Squad HQ, Nevada-

The Suicide Squad were sitting at the big round table in the briefing room with their newest members, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Parademon, and Ragdoll.

'I'm sorry that I had to call you guys to action so soon after your arrival.' Deadshot apologised to the new guys. 'But this is a mission that I don't think you will want to miss. Harley in particular.'

The Joker's former sidekick cocked a curious eyebrow.

'Ooh. A personal mission.' Harley grinned. 'What're we gonna do? Go kick the Joker in the pants? Skin him and keep his skull as a trophy? C'mon, work with me here...'

'It concerns your pet hyenas, Harley...' Deadshot continued as he activated the huge viewscreen behind him. It showed a picture of Harley hugging two rather big spotted hyenas.

'My babies!' Harley leapt out of her seat in horror. 'What's happened to my babies?'

'Calm down, Harl...' Ivy tried to placate her friend. 'Let Deadshot get to the point. Then we can find out what has happened to Bud and Lou.'

Harley quietened down and sat back in her seat.

'One of my contacts has just reported that the hyenas have been kidnapped. Their captors are reported to be the Brain and Monsieur Mallah, formerly of the Brotherhood of Evil.'

The picture on the viewscreen changed to that of a gorilla wearing a red beret and a bandolier slung over its shoulder. The gorilla was holding a metallic-looking skull-shaped device with a brain in a jar sitting atop its head.

'Oy...' Harley groaned into her hands. 'I knew I shouldn'ta played poker with those guys.'

Captain Boomerang blinked in confusion.

'Lemme get this straight...' The Australian boomerang-thrower pointed at Harley. 'These gallahs nicked yer hyenas cuz ya didn't play yer poker debts?'

'Uh... yes?' Harley smiled back innocently.

'Isn't that a bit suicidal?' Giganta frowned. 'I mean, kidnapping the Joker's girlfriend's pet hyenas?'

'I'm not with the Joker anymore.' Harley pointed out. 'I've put up with his crap for long enough.'

Ivy put a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder.

'Don't worry, sweetie.' Ivy smiled gently. 'We'll make these bastards pay for kidnapping your babies.'

'Oh yeah, I'll make them pay all right.' Harley nodded, her expression suddenly turning dark. 'I'll make them pay... with interest!'

Later-

The Squad was now gathered on their stealth jet as they flew towards the Brotherhood of Evil's Swiss castle.

Harley was wringing her hands impatiently. She was eager to put some hurt on the Brotherhood of Evil. Nobody messed with Harley's hyenas and lived to tell the tale. Well, perhaps not Batman...

Captain Boomerang put the jet into hover mode, and stood up to address the rest of the group.

'Okay, seein' that Deadshot is still recoverin' from his injuries, he left me to be leader. Anybody got a problem?'

A murmur rose from the rest of the Squad.

'Good.' Captain Boomerang nodded. 'Everybody ready? Let's go!'

The squad followed Captain Boomerang as he leapt out of the jet and parachuted down to the ground. Bizarro and Parademon obviously didn't need parachutes as they could fly anyway.

Once everybody had landed safely, they released themselves from the parachutes and set off to try and find a way into the foreboding-looking castle.

'The schematics that Deadshot gave us say that there should be a secret entrance somewhere around here.' Captain Boomerang told the others. 'Unfortunately, it leads into the sewage pipes.'

'Oh, that's just lovely.' Killer Frost groused. 'We're gonna be wading through the poop. Super.'

Captain Boomerang ignored the psychotic ice-wielder's comments and looked at the handheld computer that was displaying the schematics to the castle.

'Okay then Sheilas and blokes, follow me!'

Lavatory stalls somewhere in the castle-

A miscellaneous guard walked into one of the many bathrooms that the castle had. The castle's toilets were the old kind that you would usually find in a castle. They were nothing more than a long plank of wood with holes cut out where you stuck your backside in. The waste then travelled down pipes to the cesspit at the bottom.

He was supposed to be on duty, but it wasn't as if a two minute toilet break would hurt anybody, was it?

The guard stopped in his tracks as he heard a gurgle coming from one of the toilets.

'Gotta be the wind.' The guard told himself. 'Old places like this are always drafty.'

The guard sat down and prepared to do his business. Then he saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was... a human arm?

The arm was soon followed by the rest of the body.

'Good morning.' Ragdoll smiled politely as he crawled out of the toilet. 'Beautiful day, don't you think?'

The guard just sat there dumbstruck. He didn't move a single muscle as several more people crawled out of the toilet.

'Well, that couldn't have been any more humiliating.' Giganta winced. 'I won't be able to wash the smell out for weeks!'

'What we do about him?' Bizarro asked, indicating the guard with a jerk of his thumb.

Parademon just grinned evilly and cracked his knuckles.

'I have an idea...'

Several seconds later, the guard was standing upside down with his head in the toilet. There was also a small puddle of water on the floor where the toilet had overflowed from the endless flushing.

'Heh.' Killer Frost snickered. 'That's what I call a killer swirlie.'

Later-

The squad had somehow managed to rid themselves of the spell of poo and continued on their way through the castle.

'I'm bettin' that the hyenas are bein' held somewhere in the lower levels.' Captain Boomerang whispered. 'We have to be careful. We don't wanna make this any more messy than it already is.'

Alarms began to blare all through the castle.

'Well, it looks like the stealthy idea is out of the question.' Ivy commented as armed soldiers began to flood out of the rooms around them.

'Intruders!' One guard yelled. 'Kill them!'

The guards opened fire on the Squad. Unfortunately, a bullet clipped Ragdoll on the shoulder.

'Clown!' Parademon growled. 'YOU HURT THE CLOWN! NOBODY HURTS THE CLOWN!'

Parademon charged at the guards with a fierce roar.

'You alright, Ragdoll?' Killer Frost checked up on her teammate.

'Yes, thank you.' Ragdoll nodded with a wince. 'I will live. Which is more than I can say for the Brotherhood of Evil.'

'Oh yeah, it looks like the stealthy option is definitely out of the question now.' Ivy commented again as she nailed a guard right in-between the eyes with her wrist-mounted crossbow.

'I was never one for stealth anyway.' Killer Frost quipped as she froze a pair of unfortunate guards before shattering them into a thousand tiny pieces with a well-aimed kick.

Giganta stomped more guards into bloody paste.

'Is is me, or is Harley unusually quiet?'

'It's not you.' Ivy shook her head. 'Harley really loves her hyenas. I think she just wants to get them back.'

'I'm terribly sorry, but I cannot possibly allow you to do that.' A well-cultured voice piped up.

The Squad turned around to see a pale well-dressed man smirking arrogantly at them. The top of the man's head was transparent, revealing the brain underneath.

'Your psychic powers are useless against us, Psimon.' Captain Boomerang recognised the villain from the Suicide Squad's files. 'We've all got psychic dampeners in our heads.'

'Why said I was going to use my telepathy?' Psimon admire his nails nonchalantly. 'I'm also telekinetic, you know.'

'Excuse am?'

Psimon frowned at the interruption.

'What the...?'

Psimon trailed away as he turned around to see Bizarro.

'Am you want see Bizarro's Three Stooges impression?'

Psimon blinked in confusion.

'What?'

'Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.' Bizarro snickered as he poked Psimon in the eyes. Given Bizarro's superhuman strength, the imperfect clone ended up poking his fingers straight through Psimon's head.

'Whoops.' Bizarro smiled embarrassedly as he waved his hand up and down in an effort to get Psimon off his hand.

'Hey! Watch it!' Killer Frost held up her hands in an attempt to protect herself from the shower of gore and bits of brain. 'Do you mind? I just washed my hair!'

'I'm glad you're all enjoying this.' Harley finally piped up. 'But the more time we waste screwing around, the more time these bastards have to hurt my babies!'

'It's all right, Harl...' Ivy comforted her friend. 'We'll find the hyenas and make these monsters pay. Right guys?'

Parademon chose to answer for the group.

'TOUCH THE BABIES AND DIE!'

TBC...

Next: Harley's Babies- Part 2

The Suicide Squad take on the Mallah and the Brain and their Brotherhood of Evil. Introducing: The KGBeast, Manchester Black, and Zod!