Ichimaru Gin and Urahara Kisuke Special:
Soul Society's Secrets Exposed!
By dominusalthus
Author's Notes: I really enjoyed writing the first chapter, so I was really excited to writing this one. More made-up stories and one funny experience form another of the Gotei 13 captains—Urahara and Gin are just unstoppable at doing this. Read, Enjoy, then review!
Disclaimer: I forgot to include this last chapter, so I'm doing it now: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.
WARNING: Gin and Urahara are talking about 'balls' in a part of this story, but don't worry, it isn't what you think it is. Just read to the end and you'll understand what I mean. *winks*
Chapter 2: A Large Zit and Lots of Balls
It was a fine day, and Toushiro had just finished going through the approval papers submitted to him. Normally, it was consisted of gibberish talk that just gave him stress. As a routine, after his early morning tasks, he walks by the large mirror inside his office and checks if he, well, moves up the gauge.
"Goodness. Half-inch? I've slept more than 70 hours this week and just half an inch?" He shook his head in dismay as the frown lines appeared on his face. The guy had a point though, he'd been doing nothing but sleep on his free time, but it still wasn't effective. Maybe he should have taken the growth booster that Mayuri was offering him, but it was a very big risk since it was experimental, and nobody had the idea which part of him would grow if something went wrong.
He slightly stretched, projecting the ideal height he must obtain. Then something itchy caught his attention.
"What the—this—" He paused, his mouth slightly opened in shock. Like this couldn't be happening to him. This might be some kind of horror. Oh no. He checked again, now standing closer to the mirror. But it was still there. This wasn't just hallucination.
A large zit was ripening on Toushiro Hitsugaya's forehead, just below his hair line.
NOOOOOO! He screamed inwardly, both of his palms on his mouth to cover whatever sound would come out. He must do something. No one should see him undergoing the difficulty of this almost half-a-lifetime puberty. Maybe cut it with scissors? No, of course not, it would bleed and scar his face for life! What should he do!
"Taichou!" A woman's voice entered the outer hall. Matsumoto! Toushiro almost jumped. If the woman would see this, she'd surely taunt him for life. No way.
"Shut it!" Toushiro shouted as he grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled it down to cover the zit. Great. Like no one would notice his sudden change of style.
"Taichou? Angry much?" The largely boobed shinigami appeared on the door way, of course, boob-first.
"Who wouldn't be? You are so loud." He snapped at her, although he was nervous that Matsumoto would actually find out. Please don't notice… Please… Please—
"Oh! Something's different about you!" Matsumoto clapped and leaned closer to his face with narrowed eyes—so close that he could already see her sprouting wrinkles—much to his agitation. "Hmmmm."
"Darn it, don't get to close!" Damn! He stepped backwards and trying his best not to show what's behind the curtain of hair on his forehead. "Get out of here and leave me alone!"
"Ehh?" She blinked. "I was just thinking that you look good today because your hair's down like that. Like, you've grown more mature. That's a good sign taichou!"
Toushiro blushed and covered it with a cough. Really? He looked mature in this? Maybe he should start doing this everyday. Or no, it was just a lie, and probably Rangiku has a favor to ask so she gets lovey-dovey to him again. "I don't care—at all. Why did you come here? Are you finished with your paper work?"
"Of course taichou!" She said with much conviction he almost saw her glow.
Silence.
Instead of asking another question as a confirmation, Toushiro marched straight towards Rangiku's office with the coldest expression he could ever muster, the shinigami following behind him with a big grin on her face.
"Well, taichou?"
"…" Hitsugaya grunted inwardly. "I—This must be a dream." Well, what is this? If this was one of Aizen's tricks with his zanpakuto, he surely must go to Unohana-taichou for psychiatric help.
He scanned the room for the third time, scrutinizing every angle he could. The papers were organized and piled neatly on the desk, all stamped. The floor was shiny and squeaky clean, he could almost see his underwear in it through his hakama… Er, scratch the last sentence off.
Really, was this Matsumoto's doing, or she had become possessed by an obsessive-compulsive and workaholic hollow? He'd hunt that hollow and have him as a pet if that's the case.
"Eh… Well… If this isn't a dream…" He turned slowly to face his fukutaichou with his arms crossed on his chest, his right brow raised.
"Hitsugaya-taichou! Can I go now, please?" Rangiku suddenly pouted. She knew Hitsugaya couldn't resist since she did a pretty good job on the papers. "If you let me go now, I'd double the work tomorrow!"
The captain just frowned and contemplated. He shouldn't trust Matsumoto right away, since she is, Matsumoto, and no one else. To him Matsumoto Rangiku is synonymous to lazy, trickster, and booby—wait, what? Booby?
"NO. I reckon you'd be drinking out there again. Have some shame, almost all vice-captains are at work as of the moment."
"But taichou, I drank with Kira and Hisagi yesterday, so that doesn't make me an outlier!"
A vein popped at Toushiro's forehead. So that explains the stack of papers hidden on the c.r. last night. He had to rewrite some pages because they got wet and spray on some perfume because they were freaking smelly. "I said NO. Sit on your chair and get some other thing to do."
Rangiku sighed deeply. "Fine, if there's no other way of doing this, then…" She paused and started parting her robes. Ha. See if you could resist this, Hitsugaya Toushiro.
"Matte, matte—what in the world are you doing, Matsumoto?" He blushed as he covered his eyes with his hands, but there were spaces between his fingers. He looked as if he was going to be hit by a hundred ceros.
Mental Note: Why do I have to undergo puberty for so long and have this kind of vice captain?
"Matsumoto! Stop it, you idiot! I'm not attracted to older women—" Too late. Blood slowly oozed out of his nostrils. Much of the 'not attracted' attitude.
"Fuu…." Rangiku giggled maliciously and walked towards the poor adolescent captain. She was fully aware of the difficulties he is undergoing, and no person going through puberty could stand this one. Truly, her boobies are her greatest weapon against her captain. "Captain, are you alright?"
Toushiro's head slowly began to spin as he knew where this was heading to. No way! His purity, his essence, ah—his innocent mind! All will be lost! NOO! "MAAATSSUUUUMOOTTOOOOO!"
0=0=0=0=0=0=0=0=0=0=0
Ichimaru Gin stretched slovenly on the dusty floor of "The Urahara Shop", or what it used to be, after telling Matsumoto's story on his turn. Meanwhile, Urahara wanted to laugh aloud, but he can't since he's relocating all of his possessions to his awesome basement.
"Gah. It's so heavy." Ururu slightly complained with a small voice while carrying a box of goods on her shoulders, with Ginta sitting atop of it.
"Don't complain." Renji's version when he was around 8 continued chewing his bubblegum, like he was just sitting comfortably on a recliner. "Anyhow, it's not our fault our shop ended up like this."
Tessai nodded in a corner while checking the inventory. The kid had a point. If it wasn't for Urahara, Ichigo, and Gin's wise story telling then the shop wouldn't have been destroyed with thousands of fluttering cherry blossoms. He sighed.
"I asked her who really did the papers because I can't believe it myself…" Gin continued, "and found out that Hisagi-kun did for her."
"Doesn't that suck, fox-san?" Urahara came out of the inner room and leaned on the remaining door posts. Ichimaru slowly sat up and faced him, though in his face wasn't much of a change.
"Wha' sucks, sandal-hat-kun?" He stared at his fingernails. Urgh. He realized he's becoming as filthy as Urahara—maybe the trait's contagious.
"I mean, Rangiku-san." He fanned himself while using his sleeves to wipe sweat from his forehead. If he could only use Kidou to speed up the repair… "Doesn't it bother you that she's like that with other men?"
"Oh." He raised his voice sarcastically; though Urahara was pretty sure he heard some edginess to it. "He's not a 'man'. Whitey-kun's a boy. And I could only imagine tha' priceless look on his face while Rangiku was doing it."
"…Ahhhh…" Urahara pressed on. He was a little bit bored from all the work, thanks to the hurt ego of Kuchuki Byakuya. How did he know he was being talked about, anyway? Did he pay some spies or he was just that paranoid and his nose itches so much every time someone mentions his name? He shrugged and shook off the thought, going back to his brilliant idea about pissing Gin off.
"But aren't you hurt? Like, Rangiku-san gets intimate with other men?"
Ichimaru grunted inwardly, but he still had his perfect smile in place. So Urahara was provoking him out of boredom? Ha. No one beats Ichimaru when it comes to pranks. He decides to play on. "My, my. Rangiku is Rangiku… Little foxy here couldn't do anything about it." He smiled even wider.
"And why are ya askin' me about her all of a sudden? I hope ya aren't onto thinkin' that I'm sort o' into her."
Urahara sat in interest. Gin is the greatest liar there is, well, he used to be on the top, but since the silver-haired ex-traitor had some amazing surprise that even Aizen haven't predicted, he deserves it. "Oh well, you may deny it my friend, but love is stronger than steel!"
"Yea, I think so too, but Rangiku couldn't give me wha' Aizen-sama could." If his eyes were open, they would've sparkled, but no, eyes are essential in pranks and made-up stories.
Inside the room, Tessai paused on what he was doing and shifted his attention to the conversation. Ururu and Ginta appeared too, and the three of them suddenly had the urge to listen to Ichimaru Gin, pressing their ears against the divider.
"Do you think Aizen-bastard—I mean Aizen-bitch is a gay?" Ginta mouthed to Tessai, his hands cupping Ururu's mouth.
"I dunno. Let's listen." He whispered back, his glasses glistening in the dim light.
Gin felt the sudden rise of spiritual pressures nearby. Good, he thought. More audience. Now he thinks that he's even powerful than Aizen's hypnosis.
"Well… What could Aizen do?" Urahara was aware that he was just making up the story, but he was so bored, he would accept this. It's also like fooling Gin that he believes in him, anyway.
"He eats my balls." Ichimaru said without hesitation. Ururu and Ginta gave a sudden nosebleed; Tessai's limbs felt they were severed from his body.
"Ha! I thought so." Urahara was also feeling the unstable spurts of reiatsu around them, so instead of fooling Ichimaru, he decides to join him in his blabber. How long could they last in listening? He thought. It's a tag team, then.
"How was it?" The shop-keeper hid his face behind his fan and looked at the other outcast of Soul Society more intently. In an instant, Ichimaru knew what he meant.
"Oh my, it was goody-good." He talked louder to make sure that his audience caught it. He added sensuality on his polite tone, and anyone who could hear it would say that it was so suggestive. "I almost cried right after it because o' happiness."
"Really!" Urahara clapped his hands in a fake amazement. "It's just as I heard from Abarai-san!"
Ginta gasped aloud and dropped his hand over Ururu's mouth, and the other two covered his mouth in turn. Free-loader? That bastard—
"O? Wha' did he tell ya?"
"He said that Aizen likes balls! He feeds him his balls too!"
"Oh, I thought the one tha' Abarai-kun feeds is Kira!" Ichimaru frowned a bit, though he was twitching so much from preventing his loud laugh. "Ya know, Izuru likes my balls too, and they have been together in the Academy, so I thought…"
"Not only Aizen! You know how Ichigo and him do it, too!"
Tessai's thoughts went into a frenzy of vivid mental pictures.
Are they saying the truth? Like hell, are they all gay?Is this Soul Society now? If that's so… then… Yamamoto-sotaichou…
He almost vomited at the thought of 'Yamamoto' and 'Sasakibe' and 'naked' and 'balls', but he can't, or else they'd be caught listening.
"Ah, I know about tha'. Rukia-chan told me." Gin continued, occasionally sparing a glance at the shaking divider. He wonders how they are faring with it, since he himself is having a hard time not to laugh or prevent nauseating. "But have ya heard Ichigo and tha' muscled human boy—what's his name?"
"Sado-san?"
"Yeah, him. Orihime-chan swore she saw them."
Urahara paused. He was about to involve Renji and Byakuya together, but since he just had his shop destroyed, he wouldn't take chances, knowing that the kenseikan-ed clan leader is creepily omnipresent. So he thought of a more shocking thing.
"Ooohhh…" He leaned closer to whisper, but that wasn't obviously what he was aiming to do. "Are they listening?"
Ichimaru pretended to glance at the divider. Tessai, Ururu, and Ginta pretended to be as stiff as Yamamoto and lowered their reiatsus to the limit. He chuckled inwardly.
"No, I don't think so." He said aloud.
"Well… Abarai-san stayed here for a while…" Urahara added hesitation in his tone that ought to do it, though the corners of his mouth were contracting so much for a big grin. "Abarai-san… and I… that's why I know all of his tattoos."
Gin gasped together with the stifled versions of the three staffs listening in the shadows. "Woah. Tha' sure is interesting, sandal-hat-kun!"
"Of course!" He clapped his hands again in feigned delight. "It was so fun I am missing it!"
"I knew it! That's why Shop Keeper doesn't have any interest in Yoroichi-san!"
Ginta pinched his nose hard, but he couldn't take it anymore. His eyeballs rolled up and looked like he was having a heart-attack, his hands were jolting upwards and it seemed like he was transforming into a hollow.
"Ginta-kun!" Ururu whispered, though blood was continually dripping from her nose. Her face was very pale and she'd soon pass out. Tessai wasn't any better. He turned like a stone, his mouth wide open while he was drooling non-stop.
Gin suddenly thought of another twist in the story. "Ya know, we could do it if ya want to!" His hand ran up in both sides of Urahara's head. At first, he was actually tempted to remove the precious hat from him, but since, they were still doing an act, he carried on.
He'd just hide his sat one of these days while he is sleeping, except that he would have to check first that it isn't glued to his head or it doesn't have tracers or spirit-links of some sort. Otherwise, his plan would fail.
Urahara got his intention, and he was sure that his staffs were looking at them through the holes of the divider, or even make one if there wasn't any.
Right he was, the three of them saw how he also held Ichimaru's head and drew closer.
"Waaaahhhh!" Ginta said and passed out.
Ururu couldn't bear it any longer too, and she looked like she had just encountered a dementor or she saw Tessai pole dancing or like all her innocence and youth was taken away from her. The poor child was scarred for life. "Kisuke-kun's a…"
She held onto Tessai's hands but she passed out too, and fell on the floor with a thud.
Tessai was the worst, he almost spurted out reiatsu enough to destroy the whole block out of shock. How thick am I to not notice! He thought, then had a recount of things that he and Urahara did together.
Those private baths!
Those massage I give to him!
Whenever he hugs me out of boredom!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
He slightly hyperventilated, but then again, he had lost too much blood, so he fainted too and fell atop the two kids.
Ichimaru and Urahara suddenly dropped the act and shunpoed away from each other. Just the thought of how they looked was enough to give their stomachs a backflip, good thing they haven't eaten yet their lunch.
"GAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!" Urahara had his laughter explode from him, rolling on the floor like there was no tomorrow. "We—we got them!"
Gin was laughing is ass off too, tapping on the wooden floor to vent out more of his contained amusement. "Ya should've caught it on tape!"
"I did! There's a camera back there!" He said, his mirth finally going down as he panted. "Hey, did you really mean that? You and Aizen?"
"Wha' about ya? About ya and Abarai-kun?"
"No, of course not!" He began fanning himself again, still breathless. He stopped when he saw Gin nod.
"Yeah, I did feed him my balls." He opened his eyes and gave him the evil-est grin. "Caramel Peach balls. In Hueco Mundo. They are yummy, and Izuru taught me how to do them. I hadda scare the life out o' him so I could get the recipe for tha'."
Urahara breathed a sign of relief. "Wooh. You almost got me back there." He said, then rushed to the inner room to find his three almost-lifeless, scarred for life staffs. "…but you sure got them."
Ichimaru sighed at content. "I know." Yeah right, no one could beat the prank master. He wouldn't be feared by the Espada for nothing. "I just wonder what they'll do if they see Kurosaki-kun and that Sado."
Days later…
Ichigo had some free time from his part time work and Urahara Shoten was nearby, so he decided to pay a visit. He was still feeling a bit guilty for what happened, since it's his revelation of Byakuya's secret that caused the destruction of the shop.
"Urahara-san?" He sat on the dusty floor, shaking his head left and right with a big scowl on his face.
The filthy man emerged from the pile of boxes and goodies, while Ichimaru was lying cozily on the futon and appeared he was sleeping. He wasn't sure though, that punk always keeps his eyes closed in that creepy manner.
"Why, Kurosaki-kun! Nice to have you back!" He greeted his visitor and almost gave him a cheek-to-cheek.
"…I was just checking things out." He said with a sigh.
"Is anything wrong?" Urahara said while preparing tea. His staffs are always nowhere to be found nowadays. He'd surely deduct their salaries.
"…Those twerps Ururu and Ginta…"
"Oh?" A bell rang inside his head. "What of it?"
"Nah, forget it. They—urgh. They called me gay and ran away like hell, even that Tessai." He glared at the shop keeper and at the sleeping ex-shinigami then shrugged hopelessly.
"Where did they get that bullshit from?"
Urahara was almost unsuccessful at preventing at the itch in his throat that ought to be a laugh, but he successfully turned it into a cough. "Urgh. Excuse me." He raised his hands like defending himself.
"…I really don't get where those get those things… maybe from watching t.v." He raised his fan up to his face to hide a big smile that was just inevitable.
So how was it? Do I have the skills to continue writing under the crack genre? Give me reviews to let me now. ^^