In Craig's bedroom… 9 in the evening…

"Tell me again why we're here…?" Token asked as he watched Craig look out the window with binoculars. The gang was all in Craig's room since Craig called them and said that it was so urgent that if they don't come, the world will become a huge giant shit.

"We're waiting for the aliens to come." Craig answered, not taking his eyes off the window.

"A-Aliens?" Tweek exclaimed in shock. "There are aliens on the loose—ack! How? Oh Jesus Christ, I don't want aliens to know that we're—ack!—waiting for them! What if they find out and abduct us? Oh god… Pressure! I can't take the pressure!" Tweek quickly hid under the covers of Craig's bed, shivering in fear.

Clyde sat down beside the blonde and patted Tweek's head.

"I don't think the aliens will be abducting us." He denied.

"W-Why not?" Tweek asked, still under the covers.

"Because we think they're going to abduct Craig's parents instead."

"WHAT?" Tweek exclaimed, jumping out from the covers and quickly rushing towards Craig to hug him.

"H-Hey, dude." Craig said, losing his focus from the window.

"I-I'm so sorry that will happen to your parents!" Tweek said, hugging his friend tighter. "They're such nice people and—"

"Calm down, Tweek." Craig shook his head then looking back out the window. "My parents won't be abducted by aliens. I won't let them."

"O-Oh." Tweek said understandingly, pulling away.

"So you're going to fight off these aliens?" Token asked, raising a brow. "Dude, even the police can't beat those aliens."

"That's because the cops are morons." Craig stated.

Token opened his mouth to say something in return when a high-pitched scream from downstairs beat him to it. The boys looked at each other in shock then quickly rushed down to see what the ruckus is. The scream was found in the kitchen and the kids nearly screamed upon seeing Craig's parents all tied in metallic wires, their feet dangling in the air.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Token yelled in shock.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Ruby ran towards her parents but her big brother pulled her away.

"Don't, you idiot!" Craig snapped at the little girl.

"Kids!" Mr. Tucker yelled as the wires waved him around. "Hide somewhere safe! Now!"

But before the kids could move, four tall aliens stepped inside the kitchen from the backyard. They made dolphin-like sounds, obviously talking to each other but as soon as they saw the kids, they stopped. One alien waved his hand in circle motion and just like that, Craig's parents were pulled out from the house.

"Holy shit, dude!" Clyde screamed as Ruby quickly hid under the couch.

One alien pointed at Craig then said something to the other alien. They nodded at each other then glanced at the tallest boy of the group.

"Hctib ouy kcuf." The alien said in a high-pitched voice as two wires entered the house and grabbed Craig by the arms.

"Hey!" Craig yelled, struggling from its grip. "Let go of me!"

The alien waved his hand in a circle motion and suddenly, Craig was pulled out from the house but Clyde was quick enough to grab his foot.

"You can't take him!" The brunette yelled as he tried to pull Craig away from the wires. Tweek and Token quickly helped him out with Token pulling the brunette by the waist and Tweek pulling Token by the waist.

The aliens looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Sdratsab eseht nmad." One alien said, waving his hand in a triangular motion and one wire whipped Clyde on the face, causing the little boy to let go of Craig.

"GUYS!" Craig screamed as he was pulled away followed by the aliens.

The three just stared with wide eyes. Clyde looked down and spotted Craig's blue chullo hat. He quickly picked it up and faced the two boys.

"We need to report this to the police." He said firmly.

"But Craig said they're morons." Token said.

"Y-Yeah…" Tweek nodded in agreement. "They won't be any of—ack!—help."

"It's better than doing nothing, right?" Clyde said, walking pass them. "Come on."

"Wait!" Ruby rushed after the brunette. "I wanna go with you guys."

"Alright." Clyde nodded then looked at his two friends. "Let's go, guys."

—

"Somebody help us!"
"Please don't hurt us!"
"N-No…! Aaaah!"
"Oh my god!"
"Why us? Whhhyyy?"

"Mom… Dad… Ruby…" Craig groaned in his sleep, shaking his head from side to side. He felt something poke his cheek but he refused to open his eyes. It has been a while since he has gotten any sleep and he doesn't want to spoil this one. But the constant poking irritated him that he had just to open his eyes to see who was the asshole that enjoys disturbing his sleep.

As soon as he opened his eyes, he realized that he was tied on a wall with metallic cuffs on his wrists and ankles. His hair was in disarray and dark tired circles are visible under his eyes as he looked around in fear. Where is he? Where are his parents? His sister? His friends?

Then slowly, it dawned to him.

He and his parents were abducted by aliens.

But where are his parents? He tried looking around as hard as he could despite his sleepy blurry vision, trying to find his parents but to no avail.

"Finally, you're awake."

He glanced at his side and nearly screamed upon seeing one of the aliens that attacked his house earlier.

"Please be calm, earthling." The alien said gently in a raspy voice. "We bring you no harm."

"Where am I?" Craig managed to croak out. "Where are my parents?"

"You're in our planet, of course. My name is Gluteus Maximus" The alien answered, not bothering to answer his second question. "You have no idea how long we have been waiting for this moment."

"What are you talking about?" Craig asked, furrowing his eyebrows once he managed to adjust his vision clearly.

"We have been watching you." Gluteus confessed, walking towards a huge flat screen TV and pressing a button from the remote controller he was holding using his four fingers to reveal Craig's baby pictures and videos in the screen. "Ever since you set foot in earth, we have been watching you."

"What the hell?" Craig said in a creeped out tone.

"Craig, did you know that your parents aren't really your parents?" Gluteus asked, flipping the channel of the television to reveal videos of baby Craig being taken care of by his mother.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Craig asked, still in his blunt tone.

"You were born here, Craig." Gluteus explained patiently. "In the planet of Assholians."

Silence…

"Assholians?" Craig asked.

"That's right." Gluteus nodded. "You see, one of our princes made love with an earthling in earth. He disguised himself as a very good-looking man in order to get 'laid'. And that's how he got pregnant with you".

"W-Whoa, wait a sec…" Craig shook his head. "HE got pregnant with ME?"

"Correct."

"But I thought only the stupid girls give birth?"

"Not in Assholians." The alien shook his head, flipping the channel again to show a video of the prince giving birth to him. "This is how you were born".

"OH DUDE!" Craig quickly looked away, shutting his eyes close. "NOT COOL!"

"In Assholians, it is the male species that give birth." Gluteus said, turning the television off.

"So what? I'm half-alien half-human?" Craig asked, now looking back at the alien again.

"That is correct." Gluteus nodded his head.

"So I might give birth in the future? A baby can come out of my butt?" Craig asked, his eyes widening in fear and shock. The alien thought for a moment but then he shook his head.

"We don't know yet." He answered. "But we are sure about one thing; you are next to the throne of Assholians. You shall be our king."

"Why me?"

"Your real father is suffering from a terrible illness and you're his only child." Gluteus explained. "If you're wondering why you were raised in earth… well it's because, your father couldn't bring to let his own father know about his sin so he sent you to somewhere safe which is earth. He then ordered us to look after you so we pretty much watch everything you do".

Craig felt his stomach twist in disgust at the last statement.

"But I don't want to rule Assholians." Craig blinked twice. "I wanna go home now. Just bring me and my parents back to our home".

Gluteus was silent for a while but then slowly, he looked at Craig and said in a deeper tone, "I'm afraid we cannot do that, Craig… You are the greatest Asshole we know and you're the only one who can rule our planet."

—

"So your little friend and his parents got abducted by aliens?" Officer Barbrady asked after writing something down on his pad paper then looking at the four kids in front of him who are seated in individual seats.

"Yes." Clyde nodded. "Those aliens came with weird wires and abducted our friend."

"And our parents…" Ruby added sadly.

"Look, kids…" Officer Barbrady sighed, rubbing his temples. "…we don't have time for your fun and games. There are no aliens in South Park, I assure you that".

"What?" Token asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "But the news said that a few civilians spotted aliens last night!"

"Yyyeah but that turns out to be a bunch of teenagers dress up as aliens." Officer Barbrady explained, setting his notepad away. "Silly kids and their pranks."

"But that doesn't make—ack!—sense!" Tweek said a bit angrily. "How did you know they're just a b-bunch of teenagers?"

"Umm…" Officer Barbrady hesitated. "…internet?"

"Goddammit." Clyde growled, standing up from his seat. "Craig was right. Cops are morons." He then walked out of the police station followed by his three friends.

"Drive home safely, kids!" Officer Barbrady bid them goodbye.

"Now what do we do?" Token asked as soon as they're all outside.

"I don't know." Clyde shook his head. "I have no idea how we can contact those aliens. We don't even know where they are…"

"I know how to contact them." Ruby tugged on Clyde's sleeve. "I saw something on TV. There are a bunch of scientists who wore foil paper as clothes and had pots over their heads. Then they each held a spatula and waved it in the night sky. They actually managed to talk to the aliens!"

"Ruby, those movies aren't real-" Clyde began but Token cut him off.

"It's worth the try, right?" their dark-skinned friend said, nudging the brunette by the shoulder. "It's better than not doing anything".

"Let's try it—ack!" Tweek exclaimed.

—

"Are you getting anything?" Token asked Tweek, waving his spatula in the air.

"H-Hold on." Tweek said as he tried to stretch his spatula farther in the sky and waving it around with his tongue slightly sticking out. Ruby watched the blonde boy with pure interest and did the same.

"This is stupid." Clyde crossed his arms, embarrassed by what they're wearing.

"Just do it, Clyde." Token rolled his eyes. "It might work".

"This won't work at all!" Clyde snapped, throwing his spatula on the ground. "Not everything you see in the movie is true!"

"Wait a minute!" Token exclaimed with wide eyes, waving his spatula. "I think… I think I'm getting something…!"

"Really? What is it—ack!" Tweek asked hopefully.

"The aliens…" Token closed his eyes to concentrate. "The aliens are telling me that… that… Clyde is a big joy-killing douche". The three, except for Clyde, burst out in laughter while Clyde just glared at their African American friend.

"That wasn't funny, dude." The brunette said through gritted teeth.

"Just lightening up the mood." Token chuckled.