Come Back to Me

Chapter Six

Zebraboymom

Disclaimer: Not mine. Maybe if I'm very, very good?

Author Notes: The talk we've been dreading finally comes.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Elliot laid his guitar on a chair and reached for Olivia. She came willingly back into his arms and this time he kissed her passionately. Liv ran her hands over his short cropped hair and stroked the back of his head as he deepened the kiss. He caressed her cheek and broke the kiss to feather more down her neck and back up again to her ear. His breath was warm as he whispered to her. He spoke in short phrases, expressing his feelings.

"Liv…so long…want you…didn't think I could …I care so much…you're okay…"

Liv was fast loosing control and she knew that if they crossed this line without working through what happened they would both be sorry. As much as she wanted to just give in and make love to him, she stopped herself and asked the question Elliot had been dreading.

"Why'd you leave if you felt this way El?"

This was clearly not what he had expected. He groaned and pulled back from her.

"Liv."

"I want this El. I want you, but I have to understand why you cut me out of your life like that when clearly you felt something for me. The last nine months have been agony for me."

"You really want to go there now?"

Liv softened her voice and stepped away to turn on a light.

"Come and sit with me."

She sat on the couch and held her hand up to El. He took it and sat down facing her. He rubbed his thumb nervously back and forth across her knuckles keeping his head down for a long time before he finally lifted it to meet her eyes.

"Elliot we were best friends. I'd like to say we are again and I think we're becoming more than best friends, but if we are going to go forward, I have to understand why you did what you did."

He went with the truth.

"I don't want to tell you. I'm afraid you'll leave and you'll never look at me the same again. I can't risk that Liv."

"Do you really think so little of my integrity that you think I'd stop caring about you? I will always care about you Elliot, no matter what you do or have done in the past. Do you hear me?"

She raised her hand to cup his cheek and she could see tears starting to shine in his eyes. She was sure hers were tearing up as well.

"Tell me what happened after the shooting."

"It was Gitano all over again. I let that kid die that day to get to you. I killed that boy when I chose you over the job. I didn't even stop to think about it. When I saw you go down on the floor in that train station and grip your throat like that I thought I was going to die too. I thought I was going to lose you forever and I knew I wouldn't be able to survive that loss. I was angry with myself afterwards, but I took it out on you. I blamed you like it was your fault for making me care about you. I told George I wish I didn't care so much. I felt things for you then that I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it Liv. I'd die for you any day willingly. I…I love you that much.

Liv's eyes went wide at his admission, but he kept going before she could respond. It seemed like he needed to get it all out at once. He covered the hand on his face with his own and dropped his head before he continued.

"When that girl started shooting all I could think about was protecting you. All I could see was Sister Peg dying in your arms and I was afraid you'd be next. I killed that girl for you. I was sure she was going to swing wide again and you were so unprotected in that moment bent over Sister Peg that I panicked. So I killed her. Then just like after Gitano I blamed you, but I blamed myself more. I stewed over it and I realized I couldn't tell Kathy because she'd know. She'd know how hopelessly in love with you I was. Back at the hospital after Gitano I told you if we chose each other over the job we couldn't be partners anymore. I had to get as far away from you as I could. I couldn't stand to stay knowing that some day I was either going to lose you or I was going to kill again…for you. What I had done ate me up inside. It still does. I have nightmares where I hesitate and the girl shoots you. I watch you die in my arms over and over again. I couldn't stay anymore. I couldn't stay there anymore knowing what I'd already done to two children. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and I find myself out on the beach drinking like the night you came. Now you have to leave. You have to go Liv. I…I can't be this close to you and see that look in your eyes."

"What?"

Elliot's eyes slowly rose until they met hers. As he pulled their hands back down into his lap, he searched her face looking for what he feared.

"Don't you get it? I failed you. I failed the squad. I did the one thing that goes against everything we believe. I killed a kid. I knew if I ever saw you again and told you about this I'd see one of two things I didn't ever want to see from you: pity or hate. I just…I just can't take that."

He looked down at their entwined hands and the tears came faster.

"Elliot, look at me. El…"

He raised his head slightly and looked at her from under hooded eyes. A tear slipped out and ran down his cheek. Liv gently brushed it away and cupped his face again bringing it to meet her eyes.

"Don't you know me better than that? I know what that cost you. If you hadn't done it, I would have done it. I know you spared me that Elliot and I will always be grateful. You saved me from the heartache. You may have been protecting me, but you also protected everyone in that squad room that day. Cragen has said more than once that the body count would have been much higher if you hadn't done what you did. Why did you bolt El? You saved all those people. I wish…I wish you had let me in back then. I wish you had come to me that night and stayed. I wish you had let me save you that night. Why didn't you?"

"Because I was pretty much not salvageable."

"That is not true. You have lived through more shit than a person should ever have to face. For once in your stubborn pig headed life, let me take care of you. Let me stay here with you for the time being and we'll talk and we'll do whatever you need to do to get back to being you again. I miss my partner. Although I do like Bohemian Guy a lot."

Liv ran her hands over his face and leaned forward to kiss him. She was gentle and tender and ran her thumbs over his stubbly cheeks while she cradled his face in her hands. Elliot finally found his voice again.

"I left you for nine months Liv. I can't promise you I won't leave again. Why would you want to stay?"

"Are you that blind? I love you too Elliot. I have for years and years. I think I've loved you since pretty much the first day. If I didn't I'd have left you a long time ago. You're a moody son of a bitch. You know that?"

A low chuckle started in Elliot's chest and made it's way to the surface.

"Yeah. You weren't too easy to live with at times either."

"And I left you twice too. You only left me once. I think we're more than even."

"I can't come back Liv. No matter how much better you make me feel about what happened, my heart just isn't in it anymore. Are you okay with that?"

"I just want to be with you El. I won't need a partner after Cragen retires and that's probably going to happen in the next 5 months or so. He'll pull me right after Christmas to train, so I only have to work it out with Amaro for another four months."

"You want to try and make a relationship work?"

"I do, if you do."

"Even if I'm not your partner."

"Even if you aren't my partner anymore. I think the benefits of you not being my partner far outweigh partnership."

Elliot reached for her then and pulled her into his lap.

"You'll always be my partner Liv, for better or worse."

"I like the idea of a new partnership."

Elliot smiled up at her and reached to turn off the lamp.

"El, what are you doing?"

"Creating a mood. Just go with it, okay?"

"What kind of mood?"

"This kind."

His lips covered hers and they were right back where they were when they came back from the bonfire. Only this time, they had clarity. Both of them were in this for the long hall. Liv fell into Elliot's kiss content for the first time in her life. It occurred to her that this was what she had been searching for all along. She remembered the conversation the two of them had in the car that night when she said she'd been alone her whole life. Not anymore. Elliot was home for her now, but then he always had been.

Without breaking the kiss, Elliot picked her up and carried her to his bedroom. He laid her down on the bed and settled over her. They broke the kiss and looked into each other's eyes.

"Do you really want this Liv?"

"I do. I love you El. I always have. Do you want this?"

"I do. I don't want to waste anymore time being away from you. I love you Liv."

They made love for the first time that night in Elliot's bed with the moonlight shining in the window and the sound of the surf in the background. Elliot was a gentle and giving lover and Olivia thought how unexpected that was. She loved that he could still surprise her even though she felt like she had been in a relationship with him forever. He took his time with her and by the time they became one she was filled with her need for him. Afterwards they lay in each other's arms and Elliot ran his hand up and down her bare back where she snuggled up to his chest and draped her arm over his waist.

"Did you ever think we'd end up like this?"

Elliot chuckled and ran his hand up into her hair.

"Honestly? No. I wanted you, but we just walked such a tight line all those years that I thought even if I was free to pursue you, we'd never go there. I feel like I'm living a dream right now, Liv."

"El?"

"Yeah, Liv?"

"I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"I just always wanted to be free to say that to you and now that I can, I think I may be saying it a lot."

"Good. Because I'm going to need to hear it a lot from you to believe it."

"Do you need me to refresh your memory El?"

Elliot rolled her over on her back again. He hovered over her and grinned down at her.

"Yes, please."

This was the Elliot she knew and loved, not the man she had found when she first arrived. Elliot. Her Elliot was about to make love to her again. She reached up and pulled him down to her.

"Come here Stabler."