Don't forget, faves and fallows keep my efforts from being fallow ;)

Tossing and turning. Endless thinking. Restless legs. That eyes-writhing-beneath-the-eyelids feeling that was not too unlike taking a Vyvanse. Sam hadn't slept so poorly in a long time. It has also been a while since the knot between her shoulder blade and spine acted up the way it was. Her stomach hurt too, but she figured it was just mittelschmerz given that it was only a tiny cramp. It was about that time of the month. She groaned and stretched, her back cracking and knot throbbing as she did so. Ugh.

She needed to start working.

She needed to apply for financial aid.

She needed to check on Naomi.

She needed to get groceries.

She needed to get those songs done.

She needed to pay rent in two weeks.

The thoughts kept coming without reprieve. Sam reached into her nightstand drawer and pulled out a mason jar, inside of which was an unfinished joint and a lighter. She retrieved the joint, lit it, and closed her eyes as she took a puff and exhaled. A few more puffs and suddenly everything seemed so manageable. Problems? What were problems? What had she just been worrying about? Shit, oh well.

Sam puffed the joint until it was a roach and put it out on a spare piece of change that was on top of her nightstand. Now that she was all mellowed out, she took some time to think. Did Lara ever come home last night?

Shit. She snatched her phone off of her nightstand to check her texts. Thankfully, Lara had messaged her.

Hey, I'm exhausted after working and Paige offered to let me sleep on her couch. I think I'm going to stay here for the night. I'll be back tomorrow.

Well, at least Lara was safe, though Sam had to admit that her repeated absence was starting to become grating. Was feeling that way valid though? Sam shook her head. She and Lara hadn't been dating that long. The relationship needed space to breathe. She was just acting crazy.

Was that her or Hisao speaking?

Was she invalidating herself?

Ugh. Why was introspection so messy?

She needed another joint.

Lara would kill her for smoking so much in the apartment. Good thing she wasn't there to get angry. Still… Sam got to her feet and opened her bedroom window halfway. It was frigid outside, but the last thing she wanted was for Lara to be angry with her whenever she did get home. Sam rolled herself another joint. She knew she had to get some balls rolling that day as far as stuff that she had to do went, and she'd get to it. After all, she had plenty of time, right? It was only morning. She finished rolling the new joint and sparked it.

Puff.

What if she was just subconsciously projecting onto Lara? Had she properly recovered from Jess?

Puff.

Maybe she was acting entitled to Lara's time. After all, when they lived in Connaught Hall they spent much of their time together. Maybe she'd gotten too used to that?

Puff.

Also, she was the Queen of Abandonment Trauma. She could totally be projecting onto Lara. Her feelings were invalid.

Puff.

What if she was just gaslighting herself and Lara was actually being a bad girlfriend? What if she had every right to be upset and her feelings were, in fact, valid?

Puff.

Sam thought herself in circles for the better part of a half hour, long after the joint was finished. She was stuck in a loop, a negative feedback loop. Each time she passed 'go,' she collected more self doubt. Maybe this was why everyone shat on Wundt's introspection model?

She really needed to smoke some more.

No, no. She had things to do. She had already smoked, now it was time to handle her shit. What shit though? Fuck. Who let her get so high?

Oh, right.

Ugh.

Sam retrieved her guitar, mostly for something to do to still her mind, and began to play. Doo-doo doo, doo-doo-doo doo, doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo-doo doo. Heh, music go brrr. She let herself become absorbed in the frequencies of the notes and began to sing. She had no clue what words were coming out of her mouth, she just sang what came to mind.

"Same shit, different day

Drownin' in the things they say

Darlin', you don't have what it takes

Darlin', you're just a fake.

Everywhere I go, even in my home

they won't leave me alone

the voices in my head

they just wanna see me dead.

Nothing I do is ever enough,

I'm feeling that I'm just fucked.

Why even make all these rhymes

like some musical mime

actin' out shit that ain't real?

Why even try?

Got a disease of the mind

I'm searching not knowing what I wanna find

this mind is no longer mine

this mind is no longer mine.

I don't know where I wanna go

only where I could have been

I feel like I'm falling behind

I feel like I'm falling behind.

Sat on my throne

sat on top of the world

I'd be overthrown

It would soon be revealed

I'm falling from grace

fell flat on my face-"

Ring.

Ugh.

Oh, it was Naomi. She should probably answer. She took a deep breath and breathed out through her mouth while vibrating her lips like a trumpet to try to sober herself up enough to talk. She couldn't explain it, but the sensation coming from her lips vibrating helped to ground her. She did this a couple more times then picked her phone up and swiped right across the screen to answer.

"Hey kid, it's pretty early for you, isn't it?" Did she sound too cheerful or was she talking just right? Could Naomi tell through the phone that she was stoned?

"He's taking Uncle to court."

"What?" Sam sobered up with a harsh jolt.

"Dad's taking Uncle to court," Naomi repeated.

"He is?"

"Did I stutter?"

"No, I- I just didn't expect that." Sam really hadn't. Hisao had to know such a move would result in unwanted media attention. If there was one thing he cared about, it was the outward projection of his public persona. After all, he was the CEO of the 'Network of Family Values.' He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. Unless…

Something suddenly clicked for Sam.

"Naomi, have you checked Fox News or the New York Post lately?"

"Why would I?" Shit. Sam put her sister on speaker and switched to her phone's web browser. She typed 'Nishimura' into the search bar and sure enough, there was the headline: Terrible Toru Took Hisao's Daughter, Can He Tame the Tribunal?

That fuckface! Sam mentally exclaimed.

"Sam?" Naomi asked. Sam held the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger and closed her eyes to think. She took a deep breath. Her moment of sober clarity was over. She was too stoned to handle any of this, after all.

"Is Uncle awake?"

"Yeah, he's working."

"Put him on the phone, please." Sam waited while Naomi complied. The right side of her stomach gave a slightly more intense throb than when she woke up as she did so. Well, her right ovary was pretty dominant, so that was normal.

"Sam?" came Uncle Toru's voice at length.

"Hey, have you looked at Fox News or the New York Post?"

"No, why would I?"

"Because dad and his buddies are controlling the narrative." Silence.

"How bad is it?" Uncle Toru asked.

"I don't know. I haven't read it yet. Didn't need to." More silence. "Uncle?"

"I'm reading…" Uncle Toru murmured. "That asshole!" he blurted out after another moment. Sam frowned. That didn't sound good.

"What?"

"He's making me out to be a manipulator who took Naomi without warning because I want to turn his children against him."

"So he's gaslighting again, what else is new?"

"I need to go, I have to call my lawyer."

"Alright-" Click. Sam set her phone down with a sigh. Things were going to get real messy, real soon. Her stomach throbbed and she put a hand to it. Man, her cramps were particularly bad this month. Unusually so. She went to the bathroom to retrieve some Ibuprofen. After taking two capsules with some sink water, she walked back out into the common area.

What all did she have to do today? Sam sighed. She couldn't remember, but she did have the munchies. Walking to the fridge and opening it made her remember. Right. She needed groceries. She had to go out and grocery shop. Which meant she had to get dressed. Getting dressed to go out into the snowy hellscape outside felt a bit too much to manage, however. Maybe she'd just go out in her flannel pajama pants?

Fuck it, why not?

She slipped on her black vans and grabbed her coat off of the floor and slipped it on before pausing. What was she about to do next? Right. Keys and wallet. Can't leave without those.

Throb. Man, was she getting her period early or something? Shouldn't the ibuprofen be helping by now?

The din of downtown Barking disrupted her thoughts and sent her head spinning when she exited her apartment. Cars whooshed by. The construction down the road and conversations of passersby all happened at the same volume. Don't even get her started on the noise of the borough's vehicles ice-proofing the roads.

Aaaand sensory overload. Sam felt nauseous, though she felt that was partially because her stomach's throbbing had morphed into a constant, dull ache. She was definitely getting her period early.

Groceries. She needed to go get groceries. Sam pulled up directions on her phone and started to walk. As she did, she mused about how it might be nice to cook a dinner for Lara for when she got home. After all, as much as she disliked Lara being busy, Lara was busy. She deserved a break. Sam had time. She could provide Lara a break. Her phone went off, and she pulled it out to see that she had a text from the promoter she and Molly had met the other night.

Hey, just checking in to see how those songs are coming along? As soon as you at least have demos ready, I can send them over to some people and book you for a new artist showcase.

Right. She still needed to get some production equipment and track those songs. That was something else she'd forgotten. But she had plenty of time to do that, right?

Sharp throb. Sam winced. What was up with the cramps she was having? She felt like she was being jabbed in her right ovary. She was sweating from the effort of moving through the pain. Each step she took sent a new wave of pain rippling through the lower right side of her abdomen. It wasn't until she got to the grocery store that she finally realized something else that she had forgotten.

Wasn't last month a right ovary month?

These two just can't catch a break.

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