Disclaimer: I'd like to point out that I do not and I never will own Big Time Rush, Kendall Schmidt, Logan Henderson, Carlos Pena, Jr., and James Maslow. I do own, however, Catalina "Cat" Aragon, Michael and Andres, and Junior Detective Keller. I semi-own Detective Spencer.

Sorry for the delay, I'm working on something else (several something else) and got distracted.

Okay here's the deal: I'm leaving in 6 Days for Europe (and I have no Host family, thank God! That's for CHEEKYBRUNETTE (read her stuff, she's brilliant)) but I'm leaving tomorrow for my grandparents and I don't think I can update there because I'm not bringing my computer (I'm going straight from their house to the airport). But I'll try, okay?

Downhill From Here

Chapter 14

Mikkal

Someone pawed at his shoulder, like a cat or something, and Kendall woke to fine himself face to face with Logan, whose face was shadowed from the little light coming through their bedroom window and from the light that was on in the bathroom to help ward off nightmares.

"L'gan?" He slurred, half-asleep.

Logan let out a little whimper and whispered, "I had a nightmare."

Obviously that light wasn't working.

That instantly woke him up and he moved aside, raising the covers so Logan could settle next to him. Kendall looked over the edge of his bed to see Carlos and James still sound asleep on the floor, meaning the nightmare wasn't scream inducing or the screams were silent. They were silent far too often. Logan curled up next to him, slowing his breath so it was almost inaudible.

This was the first night Logan was allowed home, and Carlos and James refused to stay in their own rooms and Mrs. Knight would not let Logan sleep in the living room. So Kendall and Logan slept in their own beds while the other two took the floor and some sleeping bags.

"You gonna be okay?" Kendall asked.

He picked at the blond's sleeve with bandaged hands, thinking about his answer. "I think so, I just..." he trailed off.

Kendall wrapped his arms around his broken friend carefully and protectively, wincing at how skinny he was. "You just what? Logan, you don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to."

Logan sighed. "I do want to tell you." He stared at his hands, they were still covered in white bandages but that was only to protect the tender skin. They were still healing but the infection was practically gone and the pneumonia was almost gone. He was just stuck on an inhaler for a little bit longer.

"Can you remember?" Kendall asked hopefully. He's had his suspicions for awhile, but Logan never confirmed them.

"Yeah."

That simple word made the hope burst and make dread come to his chest. Logan remembered! And admitted it!...but at what cost?

"Do...Do you want to talk about it?"

His answer was silence, Logan refused to meet his eyes. Kendall sighed and ran his hand through raven locks, trying to urge him into talking with so little words. In the slight darkness he could see James stirring and Carlos already blinking sleepily at them.

"Logie? Kendall?"

Ever since the horse accident it seemed Logan's name had permanently become Logie in the younger teen's eyes.

Logan gave him a shaky smile. "Hey Carlitos, sorry I woke you."

He shook his head. "You didn't wake me up." He smacked James' leg, waking the older boy up. "This dude kicked me in the head. My helmet can only do so much." He patted his helmet, forcing a small chuckle.

Logan didn't laugh, his smile fading. Instead he just stared intensely at the Latino. Carlos glanced behind him at Kendall, who just shrugged a little. James yawned and rubbed his eyes before crawling over and leaning against Kendall's bed.

"He called Carlos mentally handicapped, when he first took me," Logan said suddenly, still staring at Carlos. "...So I yelled at him."

Carlos tensed, eyes welling up with tears. "You...you did?" He didn't know whether to feel guilty (obviously Logan got punished for that) or thankful (he had to be a really great friend (brother really) to defend him at the risk of punishment).

He nodded and accepted the fact that Carlos wrapped a hand around his thin wrist in a loose grip to keep him there if nothing less. He wasn't going to jerk away, he's been doing that too often now. Logan was going to change that.

"What did he do after that?" James asked quietly.

Logan closed his eyes, pain evident on his face. "He locked me in the bathroom," he answered.

Kendall shook his head and gently scratched Logan's head with his fingers, keeping them through his hair. "He did more than that," he said simply. "What did he do?"

"Stuck my head underwater," he replied bluntly. "Until I was half-passed out and half-drowned."

Carlos stifled a sob at the bluntness and tightened his grip to the point were Logan hissed in pain and he let go like it was fire. "Sorry! Oh Logie, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay Carlos," he said through clenched teeth. "Really." He rubbed the sore (well, sorer) area. "I'm sorry for for saying it like that."

"Logan, you don't have to tiptoe about us, just say what you want to say. We'll listen." James was actually lying. He wanted nothing more than for Logan to break it to them gently, but this was all about Logan, not them. If he needed to say it bluntly then they would let him, even if it hurt them.

He looked at them with puppy brown eyes and tackled James in a hug, staying half on the bed. James instinctively wrapped his arms around him and held him close. Kendall scrambled off his bed to pull Logan completely off and hold on to him too.

"He said he could k-kill you guys" he said into James' neck, shoulders shaking, but he wasn't crying. Not yet. "But then he said he wasn't going to and that he was going to c-condition me."

Carlos took his hand carefully. "What does conditioning mean?" He didn't think he wanted to know the definition.

"It means he was going to change Logie," Kendall said, horror creeping up in his voice. "He was going to do things to him to make him different." Weak? Submissive?...Dangerous?

James looked down at Logan, wide eyed. The same horror Kendall was feeling made it hard for him to breathe. This. Wasn't. Happening.

No it wasn't. Logie was back. He wasn't going to change.

Logan nodded, not moving away from the brunette. "He l-locked me in a c-closet." A tear slid down his cheek. "Said when I came out I'd be a b-better person."

"But..." Carlos was at a loss of words. "But you're already the greatest person ever!" He gushed.

He smiled sadly. "Obviously I'm not," he said quietly. He wrapped an arm around Carlos' neck and pulled him into a four way hug. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, building the courage to continue.

Kendall squeezed the back of his neck, providing some of his own confidence for the younger boy.

"He left me there for...I guess a day...I wasn't wearing a watch so..." He looked at his wrist sadly, his mom gave him the watch right before he went to LA and she went to Europe. "...I'm not too sure. Do you think I can get a new one?...It wouldn't be the same, would it? Do you think my mom will get one...from Europe? I guess I have to start using my phone...if Gustavo lets me. Does any—?"

"Logan," James cut him off. "You're stalling...What happened?"

"...He took me out it...a day later..." His breath hiccuped. "He... didn't do a-anything to me...he just...he m-made me do things...t-things to him." More tears fell. "I fought back. I did. I really did." He sobbed. "Please believe me."

"Oh Logie, why wouldn't we believe you?" Kendall choked out, his embrace growing tighter around his friend. Maybe if he never let go then nothing bad would ever happen to him again.

"He said..." his voice cracked, "...He said no one would be-believe me if I told any-anyone."

Carlos brought him into a hug, letting him cry against his chest. It was a bit awkward since Kendall never let him go, but they made it work. "We believe you," the youngest teen said. "You wouldn't lie about this. Logie, we believe you."

"How... how many times?" James asked.

How many times did he violate you? How many times did he take your innocence away?

Will he always be the same Logan they know and love even after telling them this, getting it off his chest?

He shook his head. "I-I don't know...I lost track. I don't even know how many days...He would always lock me back up when I was d-done. I didn't want to. I swea—." He paused, tensing.

Suddenly he shot from their arms and into the bathroom, doubling over the toilet as he lost everything he ever had in his stomach. Tears dripped off his nose as he heaved painfully, his breath catching. His fingers curled over the edge, the knuckles of his fingers turning pink.

James and Carlos crowded around the entrance, Carlos using all of his willpower not to run to his bed and dive under the covers. Kendall inched into the room, slowly and carefully.

"Logan."

Logan shoved Kendall away as he leaned against the wall, wiping his mouth shakily. "Stay away from me," he rasped out, brokenly. "Just...stay away."

"You've gotta stop pushing us away!" James shouted, slamming a fist into the wall and not caring if he woke up Mama Knight and Katie. "We're trying to help you! Let. Us. Help. You." A shattered sob shook him from his anger and guilt clawed at his chest and stung his eyes. "Logan," he breathed out. "I'm sorry."

Logan glared at him and stood up slowly. "Stop apologizing!" He shrieked. "Stop apologizing to me! Stop feeling sorry for me. It's my own fucking fault." Carlos flinched at the swear word. "If I weren't so pathetic. Dirty! Weak! I wouldn't be in this mess." He began to scratch at his arms frantically. "I'm so fucking tainted! So dirty. I can f-feel h-him everywhere." He sobbed relentlessly. "I just want him off!"

Kendall caught his wrists and pulled them away from his arms so he would stop harming himself. "Logan," he said quietly, but firmly. "You are not dirty, or tainted, or weak, or pathetic. You are one of the strongest guys I know."

"That didn't help me fight him off," he muttered, going to a defensive mode. He looked at Kendall with wide, over-bright eyes. "Kendall...I can...I can still taste him."

Carlos started crying and James gasped. But Kendall did the worst, he involuntarily flinched away, hands falling from his friend's wrist.

A hurt deeper than physical pain and deeper than an emotional pain cause by someone he didn't even know appeared in his eyes. He backed away from Kendall slowly.

He quickly recovered. "No, that's not it. Logan—."

Logan shook his head mutely. "Don't," he whispered, voice hard. "Just don't." He turned and ran out the other side of the Jack and Jill bathroom that connected the boys' rooms together, grabbing James' jacket on his way out.

James had absolutely no protest to that.

They all winced when the front door slammed shut. Kendall buried his face in his hands.

How could he do that?

James glared at him. "Kendall!"

"I don't know!" He shouted. "I was just surprised! It had nothing to do with the fact...with the fact... Oh God, Logan. How could someone be that sick?"

The brunette grinned hatefully, fire burning in his eyes. "It just makes you wanna bring him back to life just to kill him all over again, doesn't it?"

His nod was his answer.

"Boys? What's going on?" Mama Knight walked in, yawning and rubbing her eyes. They widened when she got a good look at them. "Where's Logan?"

"He ran out," Carlos answered wobbly. "We were talking and something happened and he ran out."

Kendall straightened up and grabbed some shoes and a jacket. "We're going to go look for him."

"Cell phones and flashlights," his mom demanded. "It's two in the morning, you have about four hours until the sun rises. Call me every hour. I'll stay here in case he calls."

"He didn't take his cell phone," James informed her. He didn't take any shoes either.

"Then I'm staying here in case he comes back." She glanced at the room she shared with Katie. "I can't leave Katie alone here, and I can't let her go look too."

Kendall kissed her cheek. "We'll find him, I promise." And that was promise he intended to fulfill quickly.