And Chapter Four! Still don't own Bleach, TV Tropes, or anything that has aired on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, etc.
Aubrey was prowling the Internet, hoping to alleviate the sudden dose of extreme boredom that could only have been brought on by Ara's hope of dragging in more references. Soon, she found the necessary site, found its Title Search option, and typed in "Bleach."
Bleached Underpants(Laconic/), Bleached Underpants, Brain Bleach (Troper Tales/), Brain Bleach (TropeCo/), Brain Bleach (Quotes/), Brain Bleach, Brain Bleach (Laconic/), Disease Bleach. No mention of Bleach by Tite Kubo and not Ara, which meant…
She could clue other characters in on the existence of this website. "I wonder…"
"Huh?" Orihime shot up and out of her daydream.
"Oh, sorry; I'm just wondering if I could add Sir Aizen to the Karma Houdini examples page."
"Huh?"
"Never been on TV Tropes?"
"Uh…"
"It lists all of the conventions used in TV, literature, manga, etc. and gives them names that are either based upon an example or just sound awesome. For instance, a Karma Houdini." Aubrey then began to read from the page of a website not owned by Ara…
"The Big Bad's kicked the hero's dog, abducted his family and held them hostage, abused the most sympathetic of his Woobie minions, killed off the series' most popular Ensemble Darkhorse and invented a Kill Sat that uses babies as its primary fuel, not to mention jaywalking in front of a bus full of nuns. He's done just about every conceivable thing that would make an audience boo, hiss and hate him with the burning fire of a thousand Foreman Grills. So when the Karmic Hammer falls and the time for his comeuppance finally arrives, the audience is going to sit back and bask in the satisfaction that can only come from watching a Complete Monster get what he so richly deserves, up to and including a highly ironic and gruesomely appropriate death.
Only... that's not what happens. He doesn't get what he deserves. Instead, he thumbs his nose at the hero, dons his baby harp seal cape (made from baby harp seals he personally clubbed himself) and dashes off into the night scot-free. And this isn't a comic book villain, who has to escape so he can come back and be thwarted by the hero time and time again. No. This is it. This is all there is to the story. The show is over. The book is finished. The author isn't going to write any more. The Word Of God has been spoken. The villain has become a Karma Houdini."
…Orihime prayed that that wouldn't be Aizen.
"Let's see… Sir Aizen has… tricked the whole of the Seireitei into nearly killing Rukia, had you abducted, stabbed his lieutenant in mid-hug, nearly killed Captain Hitsugaya among many others, plans to use the Hogyoku to destroy Karakura and make the Oken, let Grimmkitty kill off his would-be replacement… strung the Seireitei along with his zanpakuto, made an enemy out of almost everyone you know… and then he skipped merrily to Hueco Mundo after nearly killing several more and making fools out of everyone on the scene at the time. Does that count?"
"It's not over yet," Orihime protested. "There's still the Winter Battle!"
"Hrm… True. So you're hoping for Comeuppance?"
"I…" Wait… "How did you know all of that, anyway?"
"I did the research… Huh."
"What?"
"He's listed under Real Life… As Aizen-sama. See Magnificent Bastard for details."
"Magnificent?" Bastard, yes, but 'Magnificent'?
"We all know the Chessmaster: cold, intelligent, calculating. His catspaws moving to shape events to his liking while he pulls the strings, the whole time secure in his fortress, never getting his hands dirty.
And then there is the Magnificent Bastard.
The Magnificent Bastard is what happens when you combine the Chessmaster, the Trickster, and the Manipulative Bastard (Large Ham is optional): bold, charismatic, independent, and audacious. Unlike the Chessmaster, who seeks to control every single minute aspect of a situation, the Magnificent Bastard plays the odds and wins regularly. Another difference is the Bastard's willingness to step onto the playing field in person. The risks are obvious, but the strategic advantages are numerous. With charm, style, and an understanding of the human psyche, the Magnificent Bastard can play people's emotions like a piano and often come up smelling of roses afterwards. As a trickster, he or she can easily adjust strategy on the fly; Xanatos Speed Chess is the Bastard's signature technique.
Generally, this character is real good at being bad.
The Magnificent Bastard can be at any level of the villainous hierarchy - the Big Bad, The Dragon, or a Wild Card trusted by neither side (note that if a Magnificent Bastard works for a Big Bad who is not one himself, he's likely to be a Hypercompetent Sidekick, Dragon In Chief, or Dragon With An Agenda — these guys don't give their loyalty to inferior people without qualifications). Also, the Magnificent Bastard is likely to appear as a Villain Protagonist or dark Anti Hero, whose nature allows more of an emotional investment in his or her chess pieces than many other types of villains. Sometimes he will even appear on the good side of the ledger as a somewhat untrustworthy ally whose methods are less than scrupulous, but as long as you don't ask too many questions, he might just do you a good service. (Though if the Bastard ever moves completely out of the 'evil' spectrum, he becomes a different trope). Some characters are even adept at straddling the two tropes.
The term was first used by General Patton in reference to Erwin Rommel in the film Patton. It acquired its current meaning courtesy of Lionel Luthor of Smallville, who was given this nickname by the Television Without Pity boards.
Compare and contrast Smug Snake, who is a similar archetype but allows his ego to overtake his awesomeness. Can overlap with Crazy Awesome if the crazy has a strong element of cunning (although Crazy Awesome is more often a specifically heroic trope, one that relies on more improvisation than the Bastard). (Mostly) Contrast the Complete Monster, whose acts fill the audience with hate and revulsion. For just the villainous charm, see Affably Evil, Evilly Affable, and Wicked Cultured. For just the ingenious planning, see The Chessmaster (events) and Manipulative Bastard (emotions). The Magnificent Bastard is often a beneficiary of Jerkass Dissonance. Compare and contrast Villain Sue, where this is taken so far Beyond The Impossible that it breaks the audience's suspension of disbelief and therefore becomes annoying rather than cool."
…That was a lot of text. And hitting waaay too close to home at some points.
"Do you think that Sir Aizen counts as a Villain Sue?"
"A huh?"
"A Mary Sue—a perfect self-insert that can never fail and always gets annoying with it—for villains. If this were a manga, would Sir Aizen apply?"
"Maybe… Like Aeon from Chrno Crusade?"
"Yep." I'll make you a troper, yet.
And thus Aubrey introduced Orihime to TV Tropes, especially the "TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life" page. Tropes, the conventions and—despite claims to the contrary—clichés of writing, which in their very nature permeated television, comics, books, heck even video games; and this website dedicated to cataloguing every single one. And, upon visiting this website, she would never again be able to watch any story without finding the tropes in it. And it was, in these trawls which could consume your life if left unchecked, that they came across the article titled, "If You're So Evil Eat This Kitten."
Which made Orihime gasp in light horror.
"Well, it really means, 'if you want to be my evil ally, do this evil thing.' The Standard Evil Test, effectively. But if we were to take it seriously…"
Oh no, it was the scheming face.
"How many of these guys do you honestly think would eat a kitten?"
"I don't think so, Rey-chan…"
"Aww, c'mon. Nobody's that cold."
"Uhm…"
"Well, that obviously cold. He's hiding something."
"No way! You've been around him!"
"I'm telling you, Ri-chan. Even Ulqui-kun can't be pure evil."
Okay, what the hell. Ulquiorra opened the door, trying to look unconcerned with what had to be Aubrey's latest attempt to annoy him. "What now?"
"Just a psychological debate," Aubrey beamed. "Ne, can I ask you a question?"
"No."
"Too late."
"…"
"So on that note, how ruthless would you say you are?"
"What?"
"How ruthless are you? Hard-core, cruel, straight-up evil?"
"… I'm the Fourth Espada, willing to kill whomever must be killed. What do you think?"
"… I think that Gin-kun's a General under Sir Aizen, slaughtered quite a few people in the Soul Society, and is still one of the friendliest people here. Not much of a contest, though, a lot of the time…"
"This is a waste of time."
"You never answered my question."
Good grief, if he didn't straight up tell this monstrosity… "I will kill, destroy, and do whatever Aizen-sama requires. If that is evil by human definition, then so be it. I am very evil, now leave me alone."
"First, you're the one who interrupted our debate."
Must… kill… abomination…
"Second, are you sure you're evil."
"Yes."
"Sure you're sure?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely sure you're absolutely evil."
"Yes."
"If you're so evil, eat this kitten."
?
It was small. And black. With huge, expressive green eyes that seemed to grow larger the longer he looked at it. It stared up at Ulquiorra with so much innocence and cuteness and…
"Ridiculous." He promptly left.
Aubrey howled with laughter, and fed the kitten another bottle of hot sauce.
Orihime was too much in shock to protest.
Enjoying her success at the endeavor, Aubrey had resolved to torment as many Los Noches residents as possible, and relay them all back to Orihime via a live feed to the laptop. Gin's had been auburn with huge blue eyes—OMG it was Rangiku—and he'd made some frantic joke about kittens not being on his diet. Grimmjow had blinked, stared wide-eyed at the thing in Aubrey's outstretched palms with his mouth constantly shrinking as his eyes grew wider and wider… and turned away even quicker than Ulquiorra. Halbiel's fraccion had cooed over it, one of Barragan's fraccion had wanted to give it a tutu, Syazel-Apporro…
Ate it. Whole. Orihime stared in horror at the screen, so much wishing to unsee that poor pink kitten vanishing down the Hollow's throat with a final plaintive mew…
Until Syazel had blown out a HUGE wall of fire, and began screaming for water, and…
And Aubrey had burst out laughing, and Gin had wandered by to stare, and Aubrey had pulled out a bottle of Malgen family hot sauce…
And Orihime wondered how her life had become like this.
So. Many. Cartoons. Orihime finally managed to blink, struggling to do so as if even her eyes were overflowing with all of the data suddenly stored in her head.
"That was fun," Aubrey smiled from the other couch. "I haven't had a cartoon binge like that in awhile."
"And that's what Americans watch?"
"Some of them. Most watch shows with live actors, and most kids watch newer stuff. I guess they'd know Billy and Mandy, though."
"They scare me."
"So do most of the people here."
"…"
"Anybody home?" Nnoitra called.
"Nope," Aubrey called back.
"Yes, you are."
"No, we're not. Would you like to come in, anyway?"
"Duh."
"Now why would you like to come into our room while we're not there?"
"So I can kill you for not letting me in."
"Huh. I thought you'd huff and you'd puff and you'd blow our house down."
"I'll cut it down if you don't let me in."
"I was taught not to give in to violence."
"You bitch—"
"I can barely hear you through the door," Aubrey smirked. "Come in if you're going to."
The door crashed open, revealing a less-than-smiling Nnoitra…
And a very smiling Ichimaru Gin.
"What brings you here?" Aubrey asked as if she wasn't the cause of the 5th Espada's distress.
"A rumor."
"No, I didn't leave exploding mousetraps on Barragan's throne. Anything else?"
"Different rumor."
"No, I didn't kill Yammy's annoying little puppy."
"Not what I'm talking about!"
"No, I didn't jaywalk in front of a bus full of nuns."
"No—what's so funny, pet?"
"Ju-just a trope…" Orihime choked out.
"Huh?"
"It Makes Sense in Context," Aubrey shrugged. "So what was it you came here for?"
"The Evil Test."
"… Huh?"
"Word is you made an evil test that half the Espada or their fraccions flunked," Nnoitra said. "I want to prove them wusses once and for all."
"Oh. Are you sure?"
"Yep."
"It's a fairly evil test."
"Just do it."
"'K. So you're sure you're evil?"
"Yep."
"Positive?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely—"
"Yes, I AM EVIL."
"Then if you're so evil, eat this kitten." Aubrey then whipped out yet another kitten, this one for some reason teal… And Orihime moved closer to see the head lift, the eyes widen…
And Nnoitra plucked it from Aubrey's hands and tossed it into his mouth. And slurped up the tail like ramen. And Orihime waited for the wall of flame…
"That all you got?" Nnoitra smirked wide. "That wasn't spicy at all."
Aubrey actually blinked.
"What, you think I hadn't heard about your fancy-schmancy hot sauce? I'd already heard 'bout Syazel from Tesla long before General Gin tried to trick me into this." He then laughed into Gin's surprised face. "Hah! I've got the toughest Hierro of any Espada. You think…"
His mouth shrank. And puckered, and his eyes watered, and his face turned greener than the kitten as his eye bulged and… "sour…" he managed to squeak. And then what was left of his mouth vanished into a pinprick of a hole as Aubrey's smile got wider and wider and wider…
And then Nnoitra fell over.
"Huh," Aubrey blinked as the three stared down at him. "That's one way to fall asleep."
"Wi-will he be okay?" Orihime asked nervously. His mouth was so tiny…
"Sure. It's not like I used Puckerberries or anything."
"Better call Tesla," Gin sighed through a particularly demented grin.
Aubrey smiled, and curled up on the couch like a contented kitten. Casclu rolled her eyes from her perch, again in silver tabby form. "That was fun."
"…"
"And just think; the temporal differences between the Living World and Hueco Mundo will catch up before too much longer."
"…I kinda want it to happen now…"
"I'm a witch, not a magician," Aubrey sighed as she drifted off to sleep.
Orihime wasn't quite sure what to make of that, but knowing Aubrey she wasn't supposed to. And besides, it was nice to have a roommate, period. Ulquiorra didn't even bother them anymore… Orihime yawned, stretched out, blinked her eyes shut…
"DOOM DOO DOO DOO DOO- DOOM-DOOM-DOOOOOOOOM~~~!"
Orihime and Aubrey shot up as the intercom erupted into what could only be…
No.
Someone other than Aubrey had to be pranking them.
"… What are you doing?" a nervous mook asked over the racket.
"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song. Doom-doom-doom-doom doo doo doooom~!"
"I like chocolate milk!"
"I like nachos!"
"I love both! Right, Plank?"
The three ran full-canter to the Throne Room, just in time to see Chuck Norris crush Batman's head in between his thighs.
Orihime tried to remember the song. "But isn't this the part when—"
The Espada were overwhelmed by the new flood of opponents; Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan and Superman, every other Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan. They all came out of nowhere lightning fast, and kicked Chuck Norris and the Espada's rears!
Well, somewhat; it was quickly turning into one of the bloodiest battles Orihime had ever seen, and the next thing she knew Aubrey was leaping in with glee. And her mallet. It was all that Orihime could do to summon her shield in time as Casclu joined in, but she still soon found herself getting knocked flying through the air.
And landing in someone's arms..? Oh God, if it was Aizen, she was going to—
"Inoue, you okay?"
Orihime blinked, looked up, and found herself catching her breath as she locked eyes with—
"Ku-Kurosaki-kun..?" Here? Now? Holding her bridal-style? Aubrey had to be laughing.
"Ye-yeah—do you have any idea what the Hell's going on?"
"We-well Rey-chan—she's my roommate—and I were on the Internet and she was showing me American cartoons from the Nineties when a wormhole opened and a few of the worst popped up in Los Noches and so we went to track them down and then more showed up and somehow it turned into the fight from a song called 'The Ultimate Showdown' and…" Orihime could hear Aubrey laughing at the face Ichigo was making. \I can't even imagine it, but I'm laughing, too./ "It makes sense in context," the poor girl finished, as if he'd get the reference.
"…I'll take your word for it."
Aubrey blocked the Terminator's spread of bullets with her mallet, and quickly landed beside them. "You're supposed to be in the human world." Ara, what have you done, now? This wasn't in the manga.
"Yeah, but I'm here to save Inoue. Who the Hell are you?"
"Aubrey, Ri-chan's roomie. I'll assume that she's safe with you?" Bridal-style?
"Ri-chan..?" It took Ichigo a second to figure out the nickname, and he completely missed the way that Orihime blushed when he said it (his saying "chan," period…) "Well, of course!"
"Good. I have to go stop Mr. Rogers." And with that, Aubrey took off for the far hall with the final call of, "If she gets hurt on your watch, I'll stick you on a plate of nachos and serve you to Fredburger!"
"Rey-chan!" Orihime protested, but it was too late.
"…What?"
"It makes sense in context…"
Kinda like her life since the advent of Aubrey. No, more like the advent of Ichigo. As such, the final battle happened in a blur that left nothing to really stick in her overloaded brain. Details and fights rushed by, Aizen was defeated, and they were soon able to enjoy themselves by the river, again. It was on a particularly peaceful evening, stars bright and moon shining as it had in Hueco Mundo, that Orihime's riverside meditation was interrupted.
"Inoue?"
"Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime sat up from the thickening grass, quickly bouncing up at the sight of her favorite hero. "What are you doing here?"
"Ugh, I wandered here on accident. I've been spacing out since the fight with Aizen."
"Oh! I know how that feels!" Boy, didn't she. Her thoughts had actually taken a darker turn since that fight, too. Ri-chan hadn't been able to come by and say, "hello," either.
"…Yeah…"
She'd been spacing out again.
"Are you two going to kiss?"
Both turned beet red, seeking out the source of the question: a little Fred Fredburger, inexplicably clutching Orihime's leg.
"THE HELL?" Ichigo demanded.
"Don't ask!" Orihime cried.
How this scene led to her first kiss was really beyond her at this point.
Orihime sat up, yawning and looking blearily around… her cell from Hueco Mundo?
Across the gap between couches, Aubrey was doing the same. Wait, what, how?
Had that been a dream?
"Well, that was a weird dream," Aubrey remarked.
"Hu-huh?"
"Did you have one, too?"
"Yeah, where cartoon characters started coming to life in Las Noches…"
Aubrey froze. "Gir on the intercom? Cheese versus Aizen?"
"Ultimate Showdown in the Throne Room? Kurosaki-kun coming to save me?"
"A vat of pudding and a giant hamster ball?"
"Hu-huh? No-no, it was after the war and… Kurosaki-kun—Wait, we had similar dreams?"
"Until we branched off in the dream-verse. And you kissed Ichigo in yours?"
"Awa-I-!"
"Hehe, nice."
"And we beat Aizen." Okay. Distract her with that.
"Didn't pay much attention to the how of that last part?"
"Rey-chan!" Orihime moaned.
"Hehe, sorry. But you know?"
"Huh?"
"This gives me an idea."
"Huh?"
"Let's open a wormhole."
"Ie~e!"
End of Chapter
I really had fun with the kitten part. Why? Because I was housesitting when I wrote that part, and I got to sit through this crazy little kitten who kept trying to bite my feet! Now I really do love cats, some species more than any other creature, but that kitten… Hoo boy, it would be fun if it wouldn't bite. I don't own "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny," either.