Disclaimer: I'd like to point out that I do not and I never will own Big Time Rush, Kendall Schmidt, Logan Henderson, Carlos Pena, Jr., and James Maslow. I do own, however, Catalina "Cat" Aragon, Michael and Andres, and Junior Detective Keller. I semi-own Detective Spencer. I own Alice Tudor...sort of.

I'm in love with their new album! My favorites are...Blow Your Speakers Out, Elevate, If I Ruled the World, Intermission (something that got cut from the album), Love Me Love Me, Music Sounds Better With U, Paralyzed, Show Me, SuperStar.

They sound so different from their first album and I'm loving it!

Not my best chapter? Sorry!

This story's coming to a close, just a few more chapters

Downhill From Here

Chapter 18

Mikkal

"So," Alice started, a bright smile on her face. "Now that you've hopefully stopped cursing me in your head. How do you feel?"

Logan was silent for a moment before he answered: "Angry."

Her smile got a little wider. "Good."

His hands clenched into fists, knuckles protesting the movement like they have every single time he moved. But he wasn't noticing the pain, he was noticing the emotion.

He realized it last night...he realized that he was angry.

Not pathetic, not panicky, not depressed, or scared, just pure anger.

She leaned forward, notebook set aside for the moment. "Did you think about what I said?"

"Did you ever think that you're not all scared? That you've been lying to yourself?"

"W-What do you mean?"

"Logan, I want you to think really hard. I want you to tell me everything that happened. I don't care if you don't want to, I'm not coddling you. You're going to tell me whether you like it or not."

"You can't do that!"

"Yes I can, and I will."

Logan glanced out the window, watching the birds fly and the trees sway. "I did."

He wasn't just scared...he was scared and angry.

"Why are you angry?"

He met her gaze, eyes blazing. "Because of what you did." His own gaze narrowed and turned into a glare. "You forced me to do something I didn't want to...but...it felt good."

"To get it off your chest." Alice nodded. "I know you love your friends and I know they love you, but sometimes the nice and sweet approach won't get you any where."

"You said that maybe I'm not all scared," Logan said. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a flash of cold panic before he pushed it aside. Now was not the time. "What did you mean by that?"

Alice's blue eyes glittered with a secret as she leaned back, humming thoughtfully. "What did I mean by that?" She shrugged. "I don't know, you have an answer for me?"

"I'm still scared," he admitted, arms coming up to wrap around him. He worried his lip between his teeth, earning himself a smile. How many times have the guys tried to get him stop? "But..I was angry, too."

"And? At who?"

"At everyone. At myself. At M-Michael." Damn, he still couldn't get that name out without stuttering or hearing whispers of his demands. "At Kendall...James...Carlos...Cat...At everyone."

It shamed him to list those names (except for one), but it was true.

Alice's lips press together in a straight line. "Why are you angry at your friends?"

It was unjustified anger and he told her so. "It's not fair to them," he said. "I c-called for them all the time...they never came. They never came to help me. I thought they were suppose to be my friends? My brothers? Brothers protect each other, and they failed to do that!"

There was a moment of silence after Logan's rant, the only noise was him breathing heavily through his nose as he tried to calm down. A light dawned.

Logan covered his eyes. "It never occurred to me that they couldn't. I was too caught up in wanting to get out that I forgot. I guess that anger just stuck and now I can't get rid of it... Oh God, I feel awful. It's not fair at all!" He exclaimed, more conviction than before. "It's not their faults!"

Alice smiled. "I think you got rid of that anger at them." She poured him a glass of water and passed it to him. "It's not all gone, but you've realized it and you've accepted it. That's a good start."

Typical therapist words, almost cliché.

"Are you scared of them?"

"W-What?" Logan's head shot up, startled. "How could you think that?"

"You did say you were angry and scared," Alice pointed out. "We got the angry part, where's the scared part?"

Logan avoided looking at her. He looked at the finger paintings from some of her younger clients, he looked at the kitty calendar and counted the days, he even looked outside, but he never looked at her.

"You wanna know what I think?" Alice leaned in really close. "You're not really scared of your friends, you're scared of what they represent...They represent weakness and fear."

"My friends aren't weak," he snapped.

"I never said that." Her voice lowered even more into something gentle. "They're strong and that's what you hate. You're angry that you can't meet up to their levels, you're angry that you have to rely on them to have peace of mind and you're scared that they won't be able to anything for you. You're scared that eventually they're going to get tired of holding your hand and leave you."

Tears pricked his eyes and he suppressed a sob. How is it that there were people who existed who could tell what you're feeling without you saying a single word (or so you thought)? Every doubt he had about his brothers was just laid out in front of him on a dented platter, he couldn't swallow.

"Logan," she said softly, squeezing his hand. "They're never going to leave you. They want you to rely on them, it shows you trust them and it gives them a chance to prove their love for you. And, believe it or not, they are doing something for you. You're here, aren't you?"

He looked up, meeting sincere blue, and swallowed thickly. Logan still felt scared, he still felt a little angry, but that wasn't in the forefront of his mind. I guess...it was only gratefulness and love that pushed back the negative.

The only sad part was that it had to be a therapist who pointed it out. Why couldn't he figure out for himself that his friends were never going to leave him?

Alice sighed. "Logan, it's not your fault for not noticing yourself. You've been traumatized, it's hard to get through the mental blocks to see anything."

"They've done so much for me," he whispered. "I should at least notice that."

"You have to stop beating yourself up, Logan. Talk to your friends more, not just about what's happened, but your life. You've told them about the closets, but only in vague details." He winced a little at that, mind flashing back. "But how much have you really told them? I know it's hard, the more you tell them the more you think you're going to lose them, but you won't. Don't you think they've proven that?" Alice leaned back in her seat and checked the time.

Logan followed her gaze and saw they were ten minutes over. "Sorry," he mumbled.

She shook her head with a smile. "Nothing to be sorry for, you're actually my favorite." She winked conspiratorially, earning a quiet chuckle from the pale teen. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded. "Yeah, see you, Alice."

Kendall wasn't sure what he was expecting when Logan came through that door. Tears? A blank look? Anger again? What he didn't expect was for him to walk in calmly, a thoughtful look on his face.

"How'd it go, Logan?" His mom asked.

He flashed her a small smile, a smile that was slowly working it's way to his patent crooked smile as each day passed. "Better than yesterday, that's for sure," he told her.

Logan walked over to the couch and stood there for a moment, debating something, until he finally made up his mind and plopped down right next to Kendall, using the blond's moment of lapse due to surprise to grab the remote from his hands.

They weren't quite touching, Logan hadn't initiated any contact with them unless it was hugs, but Kendall could reach over and either tackle him, hug him, or tickle him at any moment. But he kept his hands to himself.

"Where are Carlos and James?" Logan asked, staring at the tv.

He glanced from him to the tv then back to him. "They went to go grab some stuff from Wawa, said they'd be gone for ten minutes tops. That was...uh," he threw a glance at the clock, "four minutes ago."

Logan hummed his acknowledgment before glancing at his friend sideways. "And I know what you were thinking earlier."

His eyes widened. "You do?"

"Yeah, and if tackle me or tickle me I will scream bloody murder and call Alice down here to kill you for ruining all her hard work." He rolled his eyes. "And then she'll kill me for letting you ruin all her hard work."

Kendall's jaw dropped and he gaped like a fish at the younger teen. Did he say...did he say what Kendall thought he just said. "Are you making jokes?"

"Maybe..."

He smiled brightly. "You realized you left out one of my thoughts, right?" Kendall pulled Logan into a hug, practically crushing his brother against his chest. "I was thinking about hugging you too."

"That works," Logan squeaked, fighting down a tiny wave of panic. This was Kendall, his friend, his brother, he wasn't going to hurt him. He trusted the blond, he would never leave Logan behind. He had to remember that.

"We're back!"

The two of them both jumped a foot in the air (maybe Logan a foot and an inch) as James and Carlos burst into the room, bags in hand.

"Oh," Carlos lowered his voice. "Sorry, Logie, we didn't realize you were back."

"It's okay, Carlitos," Logan answered. "I was too busy getting hugged by Kendall to realize six minutes had passed."

James' heart thud at the nickname Logan sprouted out and how calm he sounded. And...did he just say Kendall hugged him? Not Logan hugged Kendall? But, actually, Kendall hugged Logan?

Carlos started humming under his breath, dancing a little bit, a wide smile on his face.

It wasn't before long (after he handed out milkshakes) that James joined in, their humming blending together.

We're halfway there, we're looking good now, nothing's gonna get in the way. We're halfway there and looking back now, I never thought I'd ever say. We're halfway there!