Disclaimer: See last chapters.

"And all your dreams are made when you're chained to your mirror with a razor blade."

Rachel could hear voices in the distance, not wanting the darkness to go away. She wondered if she could stay there forever, it was a lot better than anywhere else she had been before, there was nobody to judge her, nobody to make her do what she didn't want to. It's not your time yet, you have to go back. One day soon though, I promise you. Rachel smiled at the girl in front of her and thanked her, she only wished that one day would come sooner rather than later – she didn't want to go back to reality.

She sighed, they would all hate her now, now they would all know what she did, what she had done. None of them are going to let her be happy, they will force her to become the girl they all love to hate, they were going to make her fat. Rachel didn't want to be that girl anymore, she wanted to live like this for however long her life might be, the other Rachel would never have been so irresponsible, she would never have wanted to let anyone down. But this Rachel, she would always be in control, she would always have time for exercise, she would always try her hardest and would actually succeed.

Slowly, light took over the darkness and she opened her eyes and as she looked around, she realized for the first time what she had done, and where she was." Oh thank God, you're awake." She looked up to see one of her dads run towards her and take her in his arms. Rachel shook her head, pushing her dad away and turning to look the other way. She didn't deserve any love, any attention. She was a bad person, she was selfish.

"All your friends are still here.. they're waiting for you to wake up." Leroy spoke up, moving to her beside too. Rachel could hear the pain in his voice, don't mistake that for pain, it's hate.

"Good for them." She said numbly, not even turning to look at them. She didn't want to be alive, she didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want anyone to see her. She wondered who found her and what happened when they did. She sighed, wondering if Finn was one of the "friends" waiting for her, and then as if he had read her mind, Hiram looked at her,

"Finn is out there.. he really wants to see you."

"Where's Finn?" Rachel whispered, not noticing the way her dads nodded at each other, one of them leaving to get the boy, both of them terrified at how scared Rachel sounded. Finn took small steps into the room, watching both of the dads leave together, holding each other close as they went to cry in privacy. He wanted to know why she did it, why she wouldn't talk to him about it.

He looked at her laying on the bed, her skin almost as pale as the hospital sheets she was huddled in. He took a deep breath before walking to her, kissing her lightly on the forehead, "I'm so glad you're okay." He whispered, trying to stop himself from crying.

"I'm fine." She sounded so fake, so numb.

"No you're not, tell me the truth." She shook her head and bit down on her lip,

"I am, I am truly sorry for what I did, I didn't know it would get this far." She looked down at her hands as Finn sighed; Rachel, the love of his life, his everything.. was hurting herself and she didn't really seem to care. After a few moments of silence between the two, Finn finally turned her face to look at him.

"Everything was amazing up until now, remember? It was like a fairytale this time around, our very own fairytale." She shrugged, "Life's not a fairytale, Finn.. it's not perfect." He nodded, slowly taking his hand from hers before stepping away.

"I'm sorry, Rachel.. I can't do this right now." She looked up at him, and for the first time he noticed the pain in her face, how vulnerable she looked. "P-please don't leave me.." He shook his head, walking back towards her, knowing he loved her too much to leave her alone, not when she was like this.

"I won't.. I just some time alone. Quinn wanted to speak to you.. I just need a coffee and some air, I will be back soon, I promise." He quickly walked out, nodding at Quinn as she got up and walked in with Mr Shue not too far behind her.

He will leave you very soon, he doesn't want or need a stupid, fat girl like you. He can't handle the control we have, he doesn't want us. He wants the fat girlfriend back again, not because he likes but because he will always look better than you. You're no longer that little girl stuck in some fairytale fantasy, you're a real girl in the real world. You've grown up, life is not happy, it's miserable and everyone will keep hurting you.

"Rachel.. why?" Quinn came stumbling in, running to the girls beside, she just shrugged and looked at Mr Shue and her dads.

"Do you hate me too?"

"We could never hate you." Leroy held his husbands hand as they both shook their heads and looked down at the floor, both of them holding back the tears about to fall.

"We're going to help you through this." Mr Shue smiled at her,

Quinn sighed, "I've never hated you.. I've been jealous of you, yes.. I've been a bitch to you, too but I have never hated you. I hate what you've become though."

"How can you hate something I love?"

Leroy walked over to his daughter and frowned, "It's hurting you, honey.. you need help." Rachel nodded, murmuring an agreement, not missing the grins on their faces.

"Really?" Quinn whispered, smiling at the other girl. Rachel looked up, noticing how happy one word had made her... maybe they were all trying to help her after all. No, that's what they want you to think! It's not true, Rachel, don't you dare let them win.

"Yeah."

"Good, I'm so happy honey.. I thought you would fight us on this. It will all be okay soon, you will see." Hiram nodded and kissed the side of her head, smiling.

~ .. ~

"It's hard to describe.. I don't know."

"Well, just try Rachel, I know you can do this." Rachel took a deep breath and tried to think of the words, biting her lip as she tried to think of something to say,

"I don't know.. it's like there's this feeling deep inside of me, a voice.. and she is always there to guide me. She tells me what to do, what to eat and how to live my life and when I close my eyes, I see her. She's everywhere.. in my heart and my soul. She is leading me to my ultimate goal."

"And what is that?"

"To have control."

"And do you have control now?"

"Sometimes..."

"You listen to this voice all the time, am I correct?" Rachel just nodded, getting easily bored of this conversation, wishing she could be at home, counting calories or something but instead she was stuck here with someone who would never understand. "So you do what the voice wants, not what you want."

"I guess.. but I want it as well."

"Do you truly?"

Anger flared up in the girls eyes as she glared at the woman in front of her, "Yes." She replied, defensive of her own thoughts and beliefs. "Of course I do, I want everything she does."

"She is the only one in control, she is controlling you.. and the more you listen to her and give her what she wants, the more she is going to carry on telling you how to live.. and in the end, she will end up killing you."

Rachel just shrugged her off, looking around, "It doesn't matter, I'm better off dead anyway. And she is not in control, I am. She is just here to help me." She rolled her eyes, looking out of the window on the other side of the room,

"And how do you feel today, Rachel?"

"I am fine, thank you for asking." She couldn't believe she was here, she didn't belong here, she didn't want to be here. She doesn't want to talk about this. She could hear the voice shouting at her to just get up and leave but she couldn't. She knew her dads and Mr Shue were on the other side, and she would only be forced to go straight back in. Quinn would hate her (since when did I start caring about her, she thought to herself) and so would everyone else. And what about Mr Shue? He invested a lot of time in getting her here, even planning Glee around this.

"Tell me the truth, how do you really feel?"

"I don't know... tired, I guess. I am sick and tired of being a nobody." She looked up at the psychologist to see the woman's reaction towards her first honest answer since she got here, but there was no change in the woman's face, she wasn't even taken back. She sighed, "This really isn't helping me."

"That's because you don't want this to help you, you are the only one who can decide if this will help or not. Once you start to believe in yourself again, we can work on you being here." Rachel shook her head,

"I don't have anything to recover from."

"Give it time, you might change your mind about that one day." Just try your hardest to perfect your explanations, just lie until they run out of questions. Rachel smiled and nodded a little,

"Sure, I guess I can give this time.. maybe one day I can be normal again." So many lies swirling around you, you're suffocating. The empty shape in you steals your breath, you're suffocating. "See you next week then." Rachel said as she looked up at the clock, doing her best show smile as she got up and walked to the door.

"If you carry on losing weight, Rachel, we will have to sign you in as an inpatient." Rachel smiled, to cover up the tears forming in her eyes, and the way her heart seemed to beat harder against her chest,

"I won't lose any more then." And even as your eyes fill with tears, swear to me you will not cry.

~ .. ~

It had been four months since Rachel had begun 'dieting' and things never seemed to get any better. The threat from the psychologist only stopped her going to the woman at all, she refused to leave her bedroom and stopped letting anyone see her – especially Finn, Quinn, Kurt and Mr Shue. She knew what they would say and do, they want her to be fat but she won't listen to anyone anymore.

She looked in the mirror again, hopping onto the scales, dreading to look as what was about to come. The numbers that would determine whether or not she allowed herself to eat a salad today, she closed her eyes, taking one deep breath, trying to build up courage to look. Finally, she opened them, her blue eyes glazed with tears as she looked down at the numbers.

Eighty-six pounds. Six stone and one whole pound of fat; you're getting better, I mean.. that's two stone you've lost? In four months? Yeah, that could be better, you could always do better. We need to do exercise now, no food today or tomorrow, nothing at all. Yeah, that's what we shall do.. we will carry on like this, we're not good enough yet. Let's see... we'll go for a jog tonight, a long run.. and then an extra five hundred crunches.. it will be okay. I promise you that it will be okay.. we will be thin.. we will be good enough.

"I hate you." Rachel whispered into the empty room, she was never sure who she was speaking to – herself or the voice. If she thought about, she hated both, she hated herself for being so weak, she hated herself because this had become her life from now on, when did she stop caring about everything and everyone? She tried to remember the person she was five months ago, before this began, it seemed like someone else, a lifetime away. A different person who had different friends, had different dreams.. different talents. She could hardly remember that girl, she was just a shadow of her former self, someone not even she could understand.

She wondered when it stopped being about control and became about perfection, when it stopped being about what everyone else thought of her, and about the numbers. Nothing else mattered as long as the numbers were going down, her whole self worth depended on what the scales said. She wasn't supposed to end up this way, she never cared about weight, she had cared about health and deep down, (very, very deep down) Rachel knew this was unhealthy. She couldn't help but think this wasn't who she was, it should never have gotten so far.

STOP IT! Just... stop it! Don't do this again, do not try and wish me away. You need me and you want me, you are who you are because this was meant to be. People change.. grow up, Rachel.

Rachel nodded, wiping away the tears that found their way down her pale face. She knew the voice was right, people change. And yes, she had to grow up, just like everyone else has to.

Fat. Fat. Fat.

Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

Worthless. Worthless. WORTHLESS!

She took no time in getting out of the knife, she had been doing it since she got out of the hospital but she knew not to go that far again, not yet, not until the voice told her it was her time. She just needed to stop feeling so numb, she wanted to be able to feel something, even if it was more pain. It felt good to know she was alive, she was still there and somewhere deep down, she was still Rachel Berry.

She looked up from the bleeding cut when the door knocked, "Hang on!" She hid the knife quickly, wrapping her arm up before yanking down her sleeve. She smiled at her daddy when he walked in, "Finn wants to speak to you.."

"Oh.." She whispered, she had been pushing him away for weeks now. It wasn't that she didn't love him but he held her back, he tried to make her eat and he was the only one who could make her feel guilty for not doing so. He cried, he begged, and when he did she had no idea what to do, she hated feeling the obligation to eat, so she stopped seeing him. But today, she wanted him, she watched to reach out and touch him, to have him hold her in his strong arms, to hear his voice telling her that one day it might be okay. She needed him and she wanted to be told she was something to someone, she needed to hear him say she was beautiful.

She nodded, walking past both her dads to go down the stairs and see him in the sitting room, "I want to show you something." Finn whispered, taking her hand in his as he lead her out of the door, turning around to grin at her dads before walking down the path. She didn't notice him getting out his phone and pressing send, walking next to him without saying a word.

"Where are we going?" She finally asked, it was the first time Finn had heard her speak in so long, and the surprise on his face didn't go unnoticed by the girl. She didn't understand why, it had only been a month since she saw him. Finn stared at her, her small voice reminding him of a lost child's, she needed help even if she didn't admit it.

"It's a surprise."

She sighed, "Does this surprise include food?" Her eyes widened with fear at being forced to do something she hated, going to walk backwards. Finn smiled, taking her hand again and pulling her towards him,

"No, it does not.. I promise. How are you?" She looked up at him and shrugged, "I think I'm okay.. you?"

"I'm better now that I'm seeing you." He said, kissing her softly on the lips, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. He was scared about hugging her too tight, afraid she would break. He kissed her on the forehead, stroking her hair, ignoring the way some strands fell out. "I am so sorry." He whispered, as she looked up at him, looking scared and confused.

"What?" Then as they turned the corner she saw all of them – the Glee club, Mr Shue.. and then.. a doctor. She shook her head, "Why would you do this to me?"

"I wanted to help you.."

"Help me?" She shrieked, "You just want to make me fat again, don't you? You want me to die, don't you, Finn?"

He shook his head, stepping close to her, "You're dying now!" He shouted back,

"No.. I'm too fat.. I can't die yet.. just a few more pounds..." Just a few more pounds until I can be happy, just a few more pounds until I'm thin. Rachel, run! Run far, far away where they can't touch us. She turned around, ready to run, crying out when she saw her dads behind her, both of them shaking their heads.

"You're in on this as well! What the fuck did I do to you to make you all hate me so much?" She sobbed, trying to get out of the grip her dads both had her in, but she was too weak to struggle for too long. She didn't know what else to do, the fight leaving her as she dropped to the floor crying, hoping maybe they would feel sorry for her. "Please don't do this, please.. please leave me alone.. I'm fine, I really am."

She felt Finn wrap his arms around her to hold her as she sobbed, "I am so sorry.. but this is for your own god. You're not getting better, you're only getting worse. I want to make sure you're okay again, I want Rachel back." He whispered,

"I'd rather die than go to hospital." She muttered into his shirt,

"Don't you ever say that.. I love you so much.. please." He felt tears running down his own cheeks, he just wanted to help her, that's why the whole Glee club put as much money together as possible along with the adults to get her into this clinic. It wasn't too far away and they would be able to see her whenever they wanted, he just wanted to help her but he had a bad feeling he had just made it so much worse.

"Finn, it's time to say goodbye." Mr Shue walked up to the two, "Rachel, you have to go okay? You have to go and get some help." She shook her head, clinging onto her boyfriend tighter, who had no idea what to say or do as he lifted her up, wanting to cry harder at how light she actually was.

"No! Finn, don't let them take me away please.. please Finn!" She screamed, trying to get from his arms but he continued walking until she was to tired to fight. It wasn't too long until she was, she hadn't eaten in so long, she didn't have any energy to fight anyone off. "Please.." She whimpered before he put her in the car. The doctor nodded at him, shutting the door as Finn stepped back.

Rachel was too tired to fight the inevitable as she just lay there, sick and tired of fighting everyone all the time. He stepped forward, putting a hand on the car window as she stared at him, the fear clear in her eyes. "I'm sorry." He mouthed, turning to see Quinn sobbing into Puck's shirt, and Rachel's dads trying to comfort each other. They all watched the car drive away, knowing she would be safe, happy they were able to get her there without too much of a battle.