Disclaimer: See last chapter.

The next few weeks passed quickly for everything. Rachel was finally doing okay, and was due to be released from hospital soon. It had been arranged that she would stay with Quinn until her fathers deemed her recovered enough to go home without constant supervision.

Rachel was still underweight, but no longer in need of a feeding tube. Although, she had been warned that a slight change of a set back, she would be put straight back on. She was doing well though, and everyone could see that, even Rachel. Counselling was doing her some good, she finally accepted that she had to talk to this woman even if she didn't know her. She had helped her discover the initial causes of her anorexia, and by knowing this she was supposed to get through that to begin with, before tackling the actual disease itself.

Rachel sighed, looking down at the diary in her hands as she sat up in her hospital bed, there was one diary entry she could remember too well and it wouldn't leave her mind no matter how much she tried to think of something else. She flicked it over to that page, tears falling down her face as she read it over and over again, trying to make sense of the entry.

Dear Diary,

I had a weird dream last night, it's a dream that I have had too many times before and it never fails to terrify me to the very core. I don't know why, if I am honest with myself, I guess it can be scary if I think about it hard, but I still fail to completely understand.

Basically, I am always in this house, although I am never able to place this house to anyone I know, or any memory I have. But nevertheless, it feels like I have been there before. Anyway, I am sitting there on my own when this man comes up to me, he sits next to me and starts talking to me. I feel at ease with him, like I know him, like he's so easy to get along with but I don't know who he is. I don't know his face. He seems calm, and the dream me seemed happy as he spoke.

Then he put his arm around me, and I feel okay with it because it's not romantic, but... fatherly. I laugh when he jokes, laugh when he kisses my cheek. And then suddenly, I'm crying as he leaves. I cry forever it seems and then nothing was right anymore... I was outside – you know how scenes change in your dreams all of a sudden – and I was sitting down, crying and everyone was laughing at me, telling me how I have changed and how nobody likes me. Nobody wants me.

Then I woke up, thankfully. I still didn't feel alright though, nothing felt right. I don't remember this man at all but I do feel like I know him. He looked scary... bald, bright blue eyes, little stubble which tickled when he kissed my cheek, a large man – in height and width.. I just don't know why I always have this dream.. obviously not the exact same one, I like to think my dreams are more diverse than that. But I always feel the same with him around and I always end up crying.

Anyway, I feel okay today I think. The voice is slowly dying, she's leaving me which in a way is good but I want her here sometimes, just to make me feel better and help me to understand some stuff but I think now that I know I will be okay without her one day. I know I wasn't a better person with her around, but sometimes there is just this nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, with her, I was the person I am meant to be. I just want to forget all of this though, I want to move on with my life. But I guess it will not be that easy.

Finn came to see me today! I feel happy when I am with him but something is wrong, he is acting strange. It's like he doesn't want me, doesn't want to be here.. who can blame him? He said I was being stupid when I asked him about it, but I honestly don't believe he loves me anymore, at least not in the same way he used to. I have put way too much strain too early on in the relationship. I mean come on, my family are not handling this very well, imagine how my boyfriend feels.

Today is the day we may finally discover why I turned to anorexia when things got too much for me to handle. Maybe I can make all of this go away one day.. I sure hope so.

She had no idea why, but there was so much more to that dream than others. It was also the first day she thought Finn was going to leave her.. of course, he hadn't... yet. It soon turned out that this man was a family friend, maybe even a family member... he had taken "advantage" of Rachel when she was six years old. The dream was about her being able to trust him, and then crying because she could no longer trust him. She kept remembering people telling her how much she changed after.

Also, because she never had a mother, she never had that mother-daughter relationship she so obviously craved – and of course, that massive fear of people leaving her, had developed quickly. And then there was the control issue, something Rachel always needed but never felt like she had. People had always told her that she never had any control over what was going to happen to her, or anyone else and she set out on the impossible task of proving them wrong. She controlled the secret of her anorexia.

She looked around the room, tears pouring down her face, there were just so many negative feelings just floating around her and none of them had ever been dealt with so in the end, it was just one huge bubble, that had finally burst within her and caused this hideous monster – Anorexia.

After she had discovered that, her dreams of him began to die down and instead, she began to remember what he had done to her. She would deal with it though, with the help of those who loved her. She was so glad to finally know what had happened, it took her so long to overcome the fact that it was not her fault, she didn't ask for this, she didn't force it on herself. She was glad to finally let go of something that held her back for so long.

He childhood had been stolen from her in such a cruel way, and she had grown up way too soon for her own good, and she didn't want the rest of her adolescence, or her adulthood being affected by it as well. She took a look around the room she had called home for the past five months, smiling. She thought about how she got the courage to recover, knowing it would be difficult but at least she could try.

And at least she could look at herself and know that even if she fails at recovering, she tried.

~ .. ~

Rachel had been doing so well in recovery for a while, but then something happened. She didn't even know what, she woke up one morning feeling like she used to. She ran to the mirror and stared at herself, she remembered feeling this way before but this time it came back ten times worse. She was so disgusting and fat, she let herself get like this, she carried on eating and now she was back to where she used to be – actually, worse.

She hated herself right then, she hated how she looked, how she felt. She cried so much that morning and for the first time since her hospital stay, she had cut. She cut deep but not deep enough to need medical care. She didn't know what else to do, her therapist told her a relapse would be expected, but she had never thought it would feel like this. She never wanted to feel this way all over again.

Nothing had triggered the behaviour this time around, yesterday was normal and happy. She had been at school, she had gone to Glee. Then she went to Quinn's house, and they had a girly night in. Rachel spent most of her night texting Kurt and Finn, her and Finn sending sweet nothings to each other. Everything had been perfect.. this was just so sudden.

She sobbed until Quinn found her, huddled up in a ball while her whole body shook with the sobs that took over her body. "Rachel, what's wrong?" The girl was immediately at her friend's side, her arm on her shoulder as she tried to offer comfort. NO. NO! We are not going to get caught again, don't you dare, Rachel!

"Nothing." She muttered numbly, "Just a bad dream." She finished, sniffing.

"About that man?" Rachel nodded, feeling bad for lying about something she knew she shouldn't but she needed to succeed this time and she didn't want anyone to discover this. She knew she could not fail this time around.

She managed to calm down after a while, enough to smile at the other girl, wanting her to believe that everything was okay, it was perfect. Quinn smiled back and let her be, telling her breakfast would be ready soon. Rachel just nodded and spent the next ten minutes thinking of ways to get out of this. Throw it up afterwards? Wait half an hour until it was too late? She shook her head, Judy would get suspicious, she would make her stay and eat and she would be late for school.

"Hey, do you want toast?" Rachel shook her head,

"I don't feel too good." She whispered, looking down at the floor. She felt as though she was about to cry, and she really wanted to burst into tears and beg them to take her back to the hospital right there and then but she held herself together, she was supposed to be strong.

"You look a bit pale.. did you eat last night?" Rachel nodded, remembering what she had put into her body last night, all the fat and the calories. She hadn't gotten rid of anything in so long, no wonder she was so fat. No wonder the numbers on the scales kept going up so quickly.

"She did, mom." Quinn assured the woman, smiling at Rachel.

"I feel sick." The brunette finally said – it wasn't a lie, she actually did feel sick. Nothing she couldn't handle, but still.. she wasn't going to eat and that was that, she told herself.

"Okay, but you will have to have extra lunch if you feel better, okay?" Rachel nodded and hugged Judy,

"It's probably because of the bad dream.. I sometimes feel a bit sick after them." The woman nodded slowly, unsure of what to do as she looked at the girl. "Okay, sweetie." She finally said, kissing both of the girls heads before they walked out to go to school.

Rachel didn't go to lunch that day. She didn't go to Glee, she didn't go to her last lessons after lunch. She didn't return home at all that night.

Judy phoned the police and then the hospital, informing them of what was going on, trying to make sure the girl had a place to go if this was what everyone thought it was. As soon as Rachel came back, they would have to assess her mental state and then see if she needed to go back. Her counsellor quickly called back and she came around the next day, asking questions to figure out why this happened. They all know Rachel would have to come home at some point.

She returned the next evening, nibbling her lip as she entered the house. She knew what they would have done, she knew the hospital would have been called and she would have to explain herself to people. "Where the hell were you?" Puck was the first to the girl, looking her up and down to see if she was okay.

"Around." She shrugged, Quinn just stared at her and shook her head,

"What happened?"

Rachel looked down at the floor, muttering a simple, "Nothing."

"Yes it did.. when you were crying before.. it wasn't because of a dream, was it?"

"Yes it was."

"No.. you heard 'her' again, didn't you? You've not eaten, have you?" Rachel laughed a cold laugh, and Quinn stared at her best friend in pain and in shock.

"Why the fuck do you even care?"

"I care a lot, Rachel.. you need to get help, we're not going to let this happen again."

Rachel just shook her head, putting on that famous show smile, "I'm fine." Her eyes had darkened over; they had just begun to sparkle again but now they had gone back to that glazed over look she had maintained throughout the first time around. Her voice was distant, as though she wasn't there anymore.

"The doctors are on their way." Judy finally whispered, she had gone into the kitchen to make the phone call, even though she had not known the girl very long, she could see the change in the girl – it was as though she been possessed.

Rachel looked around the room, her eyes wide with terror when she finally broke down, falling to the ground, "N-no.. don't send me back, please."

"We won't have to if you stop doing this to yourself, don't let her take over again, Rachel." Kurt sat next to her, rubbing her back as he cried too.

"I'm so sorry.. I don't know what happened. I don't want her back, make her go away again." Quinn sat on the other side of the girl and wrapped her arms around her as Kurt played with her hair.

"It's going to be okay, the sooner we get this sorted, the sooner you can get through this."

"I won't be there for long then?" Quinn shook her head and sighed,

"I promise you... it's good that you came back home. If you had come back sooner, we could have helped you sooner. You know that the sooner we catch onto these relapses, the easier it will be for you to get back on track to recovery."

Rachel nodded, sobbing harshly into the girls chest as her body shook, "I want to be okay."

"You will be okay again one day," Kurt whispered, playing with her hair still, "It's going to take time."

They sat in silence until Finn came in, asking to speak to Rachel until the doctors came to take her away. She sighed and stood up, going with him – she knew he wasn't happy with the sudden set back, but she wasn't prepared for what was to come. She never could have expected this.

He took her outside and carried on walking down a little bit, she followed him slowly, unsure of what to do or say to him. He looked angry, and she knew what his temper was like, but at the same time, he looked upset. They finally got to the end of the street and he stopped, she caught up with him and tried to smile.

"What is it, Finn?" He shook his head and looked at her, taking her hands in his, looking her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, Rachel.. I can't be with you anymore."

"W-why not?"

"I can't love someone like you, it hurts too much."

"I'm sorry, Finn! I can stop.. I can try.. please don't leave me."

"I can't do this anymore, I love you but I don't want to watch you do this to yourself. I can't.. it's all too hard."

She reached out for his hand when he yanked his away from her, "No.. please.. I can't do this anymore, either. I will try so hard, please don't leave me."

"I have to, it's for the best." He walked away, shaking his head as tears poured down his face as he turned one last time to see the fragile girl behind him.

"You promised you would never break up with me! You promised!" She screamed at him, her voice broken as she sobbed. "You promised." She whispered.

He took one last look before running back home, that one last look at the love of his life.

She finally walked back to Quinn's house, sobbing the whole way as her whole body shook. He didn't want her, what would she do without him? How was she going to cope now?

The blonde ran up to her the moment she saw her, "What the hell did he do?" Rachel just shook her head, sobbing harder as she tried to ignore those around her.

"Rachel, tell us." Kurt frowned, watching her wrap her arms around herself, slowly going back into her shell.

"He broke up with me." She whispered finally, looking up at Kurt, Puck and Quinn, noticing the anger and confusion on their faces as they took in the information.

"He did WHAT?" Kurt finally screamed,

"He said he can't be with me anymore because of what I do.. because of who I am." She broke down again, sliding down onto the floor.

"Fuck.. I'm going to kill him." Puck muttered, clenching his fists, as he quickly walked off to calm down.

"Leave it.." Rachel finally spoke up, crying harder as she tried to calm herself down. "He's right.. I've put so much strain on our relationship. It's all my fault. He never meant it in a nasty way, he's trying to help me."

Quinn shook her head, "But it's not going to help."

Rachel smiled a little, "It might.. the pressure is gone. There's no point anymore. If he loves me then he will come back, he will know I need him." Quinn sighed and the three people seemed to calm down, wiping the tears from her best friend's eyes, "I love him.. but we both need a break from each other."

"Then hopefully this will all be okay and I won't have to murder him when he's sleeping.." Kurt said, smiling when she got up and laughed,

"Hopefully.. it's time to face the docs." She sighed, hugging her best friends before turning to face the music.

~ .. ~

Finn's POV

I don't even understand why I did that.. I actually broke up with the love of my life and then walked away, leaving her there to cry. What kind of fucking idiot does that make me? I felt so horrible, I just kept running as I cried. I had my reasons for leaving her – not one of them being because I don't love her. I love her more than anything else in the world, she is amazing, beautiful and she can make me laugh when I'm upset. She was the one person I would wake up for, longing to see her face. But I had to let her go.

I didn't even do it because our relationship couldn't handle the strain, I don't think it was ever about that. I loved every last bit of her and her being ill didn't change that. I did it because she needs space, she needs to recover and without me always there, she might get the change. She would still have the Glee club, Judy... her dads. They would all be there for her, they could take care of her. I can only hope that Rachel will understand one day, and maybe forgive me.

I sighed when I got home, looking around the house before running to my bedroom. I didn't want to speak or see anyone. I want Rachel already. I wish I didn't need her so badly, I wish I could let her go for good.

I felt tears fall down my face the minute I close my bedroom door, sinking down onto the ground. I shook as the look on her face flashes into my mind, what if this was no help? What if this made things worse? I know she has to return to the hospital, Quinn had let me know last night when she told me the girl was missing.

Then today, Kurt told me to say it was really bad. I cried when I hung up, hearing that Judy had called the hospital straight away. I know she will be better one day, after everything she has been through, she is still strong. She can only get stronger. I wonder if she is at the hospital yet, maybe she's crying.. or maybe she's relieved that she can get away... get away from me. Maybe she was happy to get help again, she didn't want this life anymore, right? I don't think she does, I think she wants to recover.

"Finn, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt myself. I am trying to hard to recover, but sometimes I can still hear her." Rachel was cuddled up to Finn on the grass, he kissed her gently on the forehead and held her even closer.

"She will go away sometime, you just have to keep with recovery. One day she will leave you alone, once she realizes you don't want or need her anymore. Everyone loves you so much, and yes it's hurting us all but that is only because we all love you, we want you to be okay again and you will be one day."

She smiled and wiped away her tears, "I love you so much." She whispered, snuggling into his strong chest, he grinned and looked at her.

"I love you more than you could ever imagine, Rachel." She laughed and they both lay there until she fell asleep in his arms.

It was true, I did love her more than she or anyone else could ever imagine. She was the only girl for me and I hope she will realize that one day, and maybe I can get a chance to explain this to her one day. Hopefully, she will understand.

That night, I fell asleep holding one of my favorite pictures of us.