Chapter 13: decline
The next morning rose as quite a shock to Raven as her eyes parted to face to the ceiling above her. For a brief window of opportunity, all the previous events that had occurred in the past day were hidden from her mind. All that was evident wasthe sense of serenity, of peace, a quiet breathing in and out of empty reflection.
Beige. Or was it cream? Raven couldn't decide, wasn't exactly sure if she could tell for that matter. She squinted amethyst eyes in contemplation. Maybe it was neither. Maybe the ceiling was just sort of an off white. A white with some other color just dotted in it to tint it some. There was one thing for sure: it definitely was not white. White was the bleach white of Slade's head and facial hair, the ceiling above was certainly some Azar knew what oddly named color.
"…" Raven's lips parted in the brief moment before mental numbness ebbed. Then everything flooded to the front of her mind once more, and Raven groaned audibly. Just what had happened yesterday? Pale hands rose to temples as her face skewed up in a mocking wince.
Too much. Too damn much is what happened. Silently she recounted everything. How she ended up in the company and abode of her father's servant. How she had contrived the idea that if Slade were to love her, she could convince him to spare her friends when the portal was opened. How she pleaded with Slade to make love to her in the shower. How, hours afterward, hehad proved her plan to backfire. And at the head of the list was how she had tried to manipulate his emotions to enforce that he would love her.
This wasn't just a mess. It was a horrendous mess to rival the damage her powers caused when she was prone to toddler-sized tantrums. All of the attempts she had contrived, all of the spectacular plans she'd created had all rebounded on her, or had failed from the start. Raven was no Robin how could she think she had the ingenuity to work up a scheme that would succeed?
Begging to let her mind slip back to sleep, to erase the knowledge of her misgivings from her mind, Raven turned over in bed and buried her face into the front of her pillow. Instantly she felt the want of her body's need to pull away, but the dark magus squashed the notion. She knew more than ever that so close to the day of reckoning that there would be no possible way she could ever commit suicide. Her father had always stopped any attempts at her own life previously, just because she was his only exit from his prison. Why else would she have been so quick to ask Robin to kill her?
Besides, smothering herself with her own pillow wouldn't make much of a difference. The reduction of oxygen would force her body's processes to slow and dumb down. Any panicked thoughts or wavering emotions would simmer in intensity. It wasn't meditation, Raven was well aware of this, but it was a soothing alternative.
All she had wanted was to make sure her friends were safe. It had never been her initial wish, of course. The most she could hope for, back when her destiny seemed changeable, was the proverbial silver bullet if need be in the case her father could not be stopped. However, Raven was responsible for bringing her friends into this. Now that she had that 20/20 hindsight, she knew there was no hope…all she could ever want for was their survival. They didn't deserve what she would do to them.
And it was all her fault she couldn't do any more for them. It was her fault all of her plans were unable to achieve any protection for the team. It was her fault that everything backfired. And it was her fault for letting Slade grab possession of her feelings. Raven's face tightened into a tense frown. She could never do anything right when it really mattered most. Some superhero I turned out to be.
The worst of all of it wasn't just the thought of her friends being forever encased within lifeless stone figures. It was the fact that she was duped, her heart ensnared in Slade's grasp, but his very own even farther from her reach. It was evident just by the reaction last night that Slade did not love her. Raven had never managed to make the seeds of tender affection blossom in the villain, only hate. How befitting of a demon Raven glowered into her pillow.
It was just unfair. She accepted her fate. Raven had for a while now. It was impossible to run away from her duty to her father. She'd been created for that purpose, solely that purpose, and nothing more. The only mistake in her father's actions was that he chose a human mother to give her human emotions…how could she live with herself knowing that despite it all, Raven ultimately could do nothing for her friends?
Nothing could be done, exacted, initiated. The empathic titan was out of ideas. There were no plans, no beliefs, or stratagem. Her mind was completely at a blank. She'd tried, no one could fault her for that, but it just wasn't enough. This came as a very sorrowful, heart-heavy moment. Raven just couldn't push forward anymore. She finally hit the last wall that was just impossible to breech. All there was left….was to lay down with the rest of the dogs.
Her breathing had softened, slowed down with the aid of the pillow's asphyxiating abilities. Raven's mind was calmer, collecting, restarting to a more level-headed awareness, if not slightly blurred. The burning in her lungs, however, did not go unnoticed. It was small at first, but swiftly grew into a body-wrenching ache, a beast clawing up her throat and to her nose and mouth, screaming for the one thing her body needed.
Raven's head jerked up, mouth open wide, sucking in oxygen with a labored gasp. The exhale followed swiftly, then another large and needy intake. Her chest heaved, forcing all thoughts to the back corners of her mind as the needs of her body were met. Eventually the severe gasping subsided into difficult pants, then into hard breaths, and then finally to normal. Pausing, Raven swallowed, and then gingerly wiped the sweat from her face and neck. Another swallow. This continued a while more, almost succeeding in allowing Raven to forget about everything once more, but those nagging thoughts came back to her again as the warm, happy blur on her brain began to fade.
Raven was morbidness aside, ready for an end: for death. She knew that in performing the task of the gem and becoming the portal that some part of her would die. More so, she wished that part would just perish now, to ease her suffering. It was a selfish thought, but couldn't she be allowed that? She'd spent her lifetime controlling her emotions to prevent this very occurrence; couldn't she indulge in one tiny wish?
Death would be such a welcome retreat, and why not? For years she fell asleep in a bed that resembled a bird's beak; she'd practiced dying in something's mouth. There had always been a part of her that struggled just to maintain what little control she had surrounded by the love of her comrades. Now she found it purely unbearable to stand the form of rejection Raven witnessed the night prior. How did one deal with this sort of heart-crushing experience?
Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if her powers weren't acting oddly due to the nearing date of destiny. If she still was forced to meditate and control them, she could easily shove the emotions into submission. Without the power to do as such, Raven had no other choice but to ride through them. How had that song went that Beast Boy liked to play? Love was like a roller coaster. And Raven was ready to get off and skip the next ride.
Regardless of all the wantings and wishings, things were how they were, and for better or worse, Raven couldn't exactly change them. Despite what she did now, the damage was done. Her heart was torn between too many places and she would ache no matter where she went, what she did. At least she could spend her last days enduring such a torture in the comfort of the Tower, surrounded by her friends in their last hours. Slade, as much as it hurt in her very being to admit, did not carry the same twisted emotions she somehow harbored for him. It would be an injustice to waste any more of her energy trying to pursue something that was impossible to gain. The love of her friends was the best remedy for all of this.
With this final conclusion, Raven stiffly, deadly hoisted herself to sit up in bed. There was no sighing, no groaning, moaning, or mumblings of defeat or regret. And certainly no tears. It was done and over with, she tried to steel herself. She just couldn't afford to mull over it. She didn't have the time to regret what she had done. What's more, why should she? As dark and sick as it was and for as much as it killed her now, Raven had experienced something she thought herself impossible of. She could never hate Slade for that. But she could very well despise him for what he was doing and the unrequited return of her emotions. Raven shook the thoughts from her head as she felt the anger begin to bubble up. She didn't have time for this.
Just as stiffly, she pulled herself from the bed to meet the presence of her leotard and cape, folded and draped upon the one chair in the room. The clothing didn't come as much a shock to Raven. Deducted easily enough, Wintergreen had either detected the hint of urgency behind her clothing the previous night, or Slade had insisted he hurry up his job.
Without question she closed the door with her powers and pulled up the articles of clothing. She inspected them with a scrutinizing glare. Raven doubted, but who knew what Slade had done to these garments. Bugs seemed rather redundant to place on her clothing, especially when he really had no use to hear any of her conversations. Trigon had all seeing eyes….if there was something of importance Slade need know of, Trigon would make sure he got it. The use of tracking chips also seemed futile. Not when he and she shared such a strong connection.
Finally she encountered the first of therepaired areas. The bullet hole was sewn tightly shut with a thread that was close to the color of the cloak. Not an exact match, but close. Just a glance would leave it unnoticed, but to Robin's eyes, Raven knew it would be something he'd see quickly. However, did it really matter to Robin if he realized she'd taken bullets? Certainly not when the apocalypse easily dwarfed that notion.
Thus Raven changed. There was nothing physically suspicious with her outfit, and by now she missed wearing it so much it didn't even matter. She couldn't describe just how thankful she was to discard any of the clothing Slade had provided for her. Though everything from the selection fit her comfortably, and were of a wardrobe she normally wouldn't mind owning, just the very fact Slade had gotten her these made her feel slightly sick. Sick from thecreepiness of it all, and sick from the fact that it felt endearing.
Despite this, there was an even greater amount of relief as she felt the familiar weight of her cloak rest on her shoulders. With her hood swiftly drawn, Raven was beginning to feel more and more like her old self. Wearing these clothes, it was just so easy to save face. It was easy to appear as if nothing was wrong. From inside this cloak Raven could imagine she was little more than a Teen Titan ready to make a break from her captor, Slade. Raven always did have a strong imagination…
Perhaps it was true what they said. Clothing made the man.
It was all she needed to help solidify her decision. The hour was drawing nearer, and her friends would need a pillar of support to accept the fate at hand. They were, no doubt, still in denial, still ready to fight. Raven silently was proud of them, so proud they had the strength to stand up to such a threat still. Yet, she knew this bravery was due to their ignorance. Raven just had to make them understand…she could bring them comfort as their presence would soothe her. Slade would be forced to slip back to the corners of her mind. The thought pained her. He had been the driving force of her thoughts since her birthday. Like it or not, he was a part of her, and she had changed because of it.
Taking the briefest of moments to look back down at herself, Raven realized her earlier observation was wrong. She wasn't feeling like her old self. She would never be her old self again.
With a depressing sigh, Raven dropped her hands back to her sides and stifled her resolve. She wore this cape now, and damn it, she was going to be as strong as ever while she had it on. Slade had already had his fun with her, had dug and brought to the surface her weakest moments on more than one occasion. Raven would not allow him the chance to see her like that again. She would leave. And she would do it in his presence.
Why? Azar knew. To prove a point to herself. To prove she was strong enough to throw everything Slade had done back in his face. That she was not so easily kept down by his actions, that these rampant emotions of lust and love were nothing to her, and that she would leave with her dignity intact. Or what was left of it.
There was no denying that Raven felt revolted with herself. Having tried with endless persistence in all her endeavors, and that the perception of it was better than nothing at all, wouldn't it have just been simpler to do nothing? To save what grace she had prior? Raven was going to end this world; she could've at least had her pride left while she did it. At least enough left to have it all crumble back down when I do it.
Even as she thought this while exiting her room and focusing upon Slade's whereabouts, she couldn't fight back the nagging, scolding feeling for her bitter emotions. Like the voice of a pecking mother hen, perhaps it was Robin who would evoke her to feel guilty for believing in doing nothing at all. It certainly wasn't her mother; Raven gave an inner sneer of disdain.
At that sudden remembrance she paused in step. Slade's memories recounted that she had been brutally beaten in an attempt for the Blood Clan to reclaim her. Pale lips pulled gingerly into a grimace as she stifled the shudder about to run through her. Immediately she regretted the resentment in her earlier thought.
Raven knew her mother to be silently strong willed; to stand out right in plain sight at her father's rape of Azarath was answer enough. But it was still heart-wrenching to watch as her mother willingly allowed those…those cretins to bruise her. Raven cared deeply for Arella, that was never to be questioned, but…Raven still had a hard time fighting the disgust upon her mother's refusal to fight.
Once she returned to the Tower, it would be certain that she would elect the others to help in her search for her mother. As Slade had put it in the memory, Arella was in no condition to find her. That left Raven to search for Arella instead, something Arella surely would be counting upon. It would be a task to distract her mind from current on goings, and future…proceedings.
Raven shoved it to the back of her mind in indifference.
Her journey started up once more. Slade was, as always, easy to locate. The more often Raven seemed to use their mental bond, the faster she was able to pinpoint his position. This time he was no where inside his bedroom, or a study, this Raven knew to be the kitchen. And Raven made her way there post haste.
On her way, she indulged in the prospect of thinking nothing. To allow her mind a blank, ignorant serenity. It allowed her the best chance to stele herself for the following. A pause before the kitchen door, a solid yet slow breath, and she opened the doors. Not a steady, extravagant fling, but a calm and usual manor. Raven would not make a fight of this. She would be civilized. She would force Slade to be civilized, for civility would anger him.
The room was as Raven had envisioned it in her mind. Slade's memories were accurate with the current sight before her eyes. The room itself was in fact the kitchen and not a dinning room. There were marble countertops lined with knife boxes, various other kitchen gadgets, until it was broken for the oven. This was, impressively, a double oven, one stacked atop the other. This tower of stainless steel also broke up a line of cabinetry that indeed housed many dishes. The good dishes, Raven knew, were stored elsewhere.
The counter space and cabinetry continued, wrapping around the room, which in such a clichéd manner, was done in black and white tiles. In the center was an island, housing a microwave, connected beside a stove top. Above it was a ventilation system and a pot rack. In front of this was a mildly bare table, one made of wood, but the size and gesture of any given card table. With little doubt Raven suspected this area for Wintergreen or any other servant Slade had.
In the environment, Slade sat at the far end of the table, body in sleeping attire and hunched over a bowl of something. First glance couldn't discern whether it to be cereal or oatmeal. Being as no aroma aside that of eggs drifted in the air, it was to be expected it to be the first. The plate of eggs was adjacent to it, looking uneaten and thoroughly poked and prodded. The cereal was not looking far off.
Upon her entrance, his very movements and actions dictated the rough mood wafting from him. He was bothered, unsettled. Slade tried to prove her wrong by lifting his head and delivering a painfully hateful scowl directly at her. No, Slade wasn't bothered or unsettled, he was downright scathing mad. Raven remained visibly unfazed.
"I'm leaving," she stated, directly to the point, not attempting to turn away from him.
That bitter scowl remained. "I'm not your guardian, Raven. You can do whatever you want."
A cloaked eyebrow raised in questioning concern. That had seemed unlike the possessive Slade. Wait, why should she even care? She needed to remove any residual emotions towards him. Now was the time to say what she needed forclosure, and be on with it.
"You won," Raven admitted. His expression only seemed to deepen.
"You managed to do the one thing I couldn't. I tried, and tried," she continued, "but it wasn't enough. So I'm leaving. I've wasted precious time of my life I'll never get back over you, and it wasn't worth it."
There, she had said it. No wavering voice, no flickering or watering eyes, no tears. Raven had gotten out her white flag, waved it, and was ready to return back to her home, tail between her legs. Her body spun, cape drifting behind her, ready to exit.
With no change in her voice, Raven added, "I hope I never see your face again. But since I know it's unavoidable, I'll settle for seeing it at the time until I'm finally needed."
Her hand was on the door knob to leave, but Slade refused to give her the last words. Haltingly he spoke, "I hope you're happy."
His bitter voice echoed behind her, managing even now to stab at her through the back like a well aimed arrow. It effectively caused her to stop, the door still half opened, but not enough to make her turn around to face him again. Raven hadmanaged to keep a straight face before, but didn't think it possible to do again. Neither after that tone, nor with what surely was to come. But, she did humor him in silence, signaling for him to get his end out.
"You fought and resisted, contrived and plotted, what's worse is that you did it well," he sneered painfully.
The sounds of the chair scraping against the floor indicated his standing form. Raven forced her lips to remain firm in an even line, eyes hard and bored, expecting him to turn her around and force her to listen. His touch never came.
Still on the other end of the room, Slade issued onward. "What you did to me…" It was said with such loathing and scorn. "What you did…because of what you did I…" He fumbled for words, but swiftly caught himself. "You did this to me knowing you'll die and I'll survive." There was a delicate wavering line of emotion of…of grief. It switched abruptly to rage. "You really are a demon." Raven inhaled sharply. "This is the worst torture you could've placed on me."
A pause. "For that I hate you."
Raven was honestly barbed…but her ears began to ring with the words Slade had left unsaid. He felt remorse, sorrow with the very knowledge that she would no longer exist as she was when the portal opened. Who would feel sorrow after that display the night before? He had been enraged, violent, yet… Slade couldn't force himself to hurt her. What had it all meant? It couldn't…
No, no! That wasn't right! Raven ordered herself to ignore everything, to stop thinking, and not to pursue the thought. But it had been planted, a fleeting fathom… It couldn't…but…it…was too late. She couldn't stop what was to come next. Everything in her told her she was wrong and that it wasn't possible. The empathic side of her screamed one thing:
It could.
Understanding dawned upon her. Slade didn't hate her. He hated the fact his emotions had been twisted in a way that would bring him a future heavy burden. But truthfully, honestly, laying deep and buried beneath all his twisted and conniving layers had to be the fruition of her labor. She had managed to manipulate his emotions. Slade. Loved. Her.
"Admit it," Raven scoffed with terse hardness to her voice, unable to stop the words from exiting her mouth. It had already started and there was no way she could stop it from following through.
She needed proof. Solid evidence that her mind wasn't just clinging to a false contrived hope. His negative emotions of hatred and anger were boiling over, too muchto detect that tablespoon of love hidden somewhere in the pot. Raven would have to dig deeply into Slade for an answer like so many times he had to her.
"Admit it," she demanded again, jerking her whole body around to him. In the movement her hood folded down behind her head, revealing the expression of unresolved disbelief on her face.
"Admit it!" she screamed to him, her expression pinching and skewing up into raw emotion. Already her hand was out, surrounded by black energy and summoning forth the charter she inscribed so long ago onto his neck.
Slade winced and seethed in response, clamping a hand to it as if the pressure could stop it from working. Shakily his knees gave from under him; Slade caught himself upon the table's side, managing to keep up. He would not fail here! His resolve was firm.
And so was Raven's.
"Say it, damn it!" she screamed shrilly to him. "I will not have you go unpunished for the manner inwhichyou tore it from me!"
Not this time, she wouldn't allow him to make a fool of her. He had done enough to her, and she had sat by idly as they occurred. Raven had learned finally. He wouldn't be so lucky to escape her wrath this time. But even now, watching with flickering eyes his face contorting to that of pain and far more—she couldn't bear it. With shaky resolution, her power slipped off. Her hands dropped dead to her sides.
How could she force him? How could she torture him knowing how she felt…how much stronger it all felt since she had tried to manipulate his emotions? It was impossible, and all that could run through Raven's head was how weak she had truly become. Love had ruined her. Her fists clenched at her sides in anger. All this power and yet still so weak.
"I see you can't hurt me either. You can't force yourself to," Slade noted, a minor purring to his voice. Relief was present in the heaviness of Slade's breath and the wide grin upon his lips as he pulled himself to wobbly legs. "It affected you as well."
Raven said nothing, but stared daggers through him, displacing her disgust for herself inside him.
Then, out of the blue, he laughed. A deep laugh, one that hadn't sounded forced, but one clearly filled with humor. Raven wasn't so equally amused, it only seemed to silently enrage her more.
"Isn't this ironic?" he began. "We still both hate each other and are madly concerned about the other's welfare. Hadn't I said love and hate was the same thing?"
"This is nothing to laugh at," Raven argued in her angry monotone.
"You're wrong Raven. We have every right to laugh at this. Because nothing's changed," Slade elaborated. "We still hate each other with the core of our being. All that's happened is the revealing depth to that hate."
"You're full of shit," Raven snapped lowly. "You are so full of shit. Everything you're saying hasn't given me one ounce of proof to believe what you're trying to push on me."
His once scowling lips then flicked in a twitch to that of a smug smile, his face all too catty. "Then there's nothing left to say. I can't prove anything to you."
That look. That stupid smug look upon his so handsomely chiseled features. He was just pulling her around. Toying with her. How could she have even believed the notion that her emotional manipulation worked? It was exactly what Slade had wanted from her once he knew how he could wound her again. Once more her fury boiled, masking that line between love and prancing over into hatred.
"Stop it," Raven demanded lowly, forcefully, trying to maintain the temper that was rising.
"Stop what? I've done nothing," Slade innocently answered. He took calm, collected steps towards her. "All of this has been your work. Defying your father," he began to tick off on his fingers, "invading the home of my sons, murdering Addie, and seducing me."
Raven's jaw clenched tightly as he made a stop before her, the pressure slowly building between her jaw, and unaware that she had begun to grind her teeth as he mentioned every tiny detail.
"You initiated all of this," Slade prodded, a stiff finger poking her pointedly. "Everything was because of you."
"I'm. Leaving," Raven forced out through her teeth. It was bubbling now, boiling, threatening to burst inside her. She had tried to control her emotions since her missing state of meditation. Had thought she kept a hold of them rather well…but now it was nearing its end.
"You won't leave. No, I take that back,"Slade scoffed mockingly. "You'll come back."
"Shut up." A warning growl.
"You'll come back because you won't stand to be away from me."
"SHUT UP!" Raven shrieked back, throwing a radial burst of her powers at an unsuspecting Slade.
He released a grunt as they struck and sent him sprawling back across the table.
"Can't you see?! This is why I can't just take your word!" Raven yelled. "You keep pushing, and pushing! You wouldn't do this if you're as torn as you say you are because I'm the portal!"
She was hyperventilating now, her eyes watering. "Azar damn it, Slade!"
He began to push to his feet, gain his bearings.
"And don't even start placing the blame on me for this! You've been trying to seduce me too!" She continued to argue with straining and a cracking voice, her anger slowly breaking.
He made his way back to her as she went on yelling at him.
"Stealing kisses, acting even remotely kind to me, saving my mother?" Her breath rang shallowly as watery eyes finally spilled to tears. He reached her as she began to clench her eyelids shut with the feverish intention of making the tears stop. It was an effort in vain as Slade wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in. At last, Raven completely broke down into sobs. "Azar….y-you really do love me…I really only magnified…"
"It took you long enough to decide that." Slade's hand rubbed circles into her shoulder blades. "I'm rather disappointed."
Her sniffling stopped as her breath froze in her mouth.
"Robin could have figured that out in a third of the time."
"Jerk!" Raven shoved him back with a little force, a scowl to rival Slade's earlier plastered on her face.
But Slade merely laughed at it, at her reaction and expression. Begrudging moments later Raven's icy expression slowly began to melt. There was no hatred radiating off him. It was there…but sleeping. Just like her own.
A small chuckle bloomed from her throat, before growing into a giggle. Then the two roared into laughter. Thus they continued their hysterics, laughed at the irony that was dauntingly all too clear. Somehow they knew they were both up a creek without a paddle…they both stepped over a line neither had meant to cross. They both loved each other. But, now it didn't seem quite nearly as bad. Atleast, for the time being.
Slowly both came down from their fit, aching sides forcing them from continuing. Embarrassed, Raven began to wipe the remaining residue of her saline tears from her cheeks. The lighter mood seemed to die swiftly after as both realized the repercussions of what had been exchanged. Everything. Everything had changed.
"How…" Raven paused, a confliction clearly on her face. Swallowing, "How much time do I have left?"
Slade's unusually mirthful face vanished to yield yet again the calculating Slade everyone was familiar with. "Do you even need to ask? I'm sure you can feel it well enough." His answer dismissed her question. Apparently, not long.
"…" Raven opened her mouth at a loss, but quickly found one of his arms wrapping around her side and connecting her body to his hip. A large and well drawn sigh followed. With a stronger hold of her emotions, she lifted her head to face him. "What should we do about this?"
"Well…do you still feel like leaving?"
She frowned. "No, but….but I'd still like to see my friends before… it happens."
"I can't force you to stay here, Raven," he off-handedly offered.
Raven knew what he had meant. She was free to leave when ever she felt to, but allowed to stay in order to make the most of what little time they had for each other. "I'll keep that in mind."
Slade nodded, giving her waist a gentle squeeze. "Now, my dear, I know for a very fact that you have never been horseback riding…."
To state that Raven had spent the next week making the worst mistake of her life would have been a reasonable and very common reaction, especially if this reaction came from her friends. But to state that Raven had spent the week like none other in her life would be quite the understatement. And Raven would not have had it any other way.
Despite all of the books she'd read, all the knowledge she possessed, and the vocabulary her sharp tongue could give off, there was no possible way for Raven to describe her solace with Slade. The only word she could use to call it was love, for it was the closest term to what they shared.
Their time together was unlike anything Raven had ever experienced. For once she held complete disregard for everything she had ever known and placed herself into everything that she was doing. There was no time spent even contemplating her future, her friends' future, or her father. Slade just refused her the chance, and it was the one thing Raven was the most thankful for. It was as if the once proud arch nemesis of the Teen Titans could sense that she needed to forget, that they both did, and to indulge in the minor blessing her empathic manipulation cast before it turned into a curse.
Simply put, Raven enjoyed it.
It had been the most warmth she had ever come to know in her entire life. There was barely a hint of it when she was learning under the respectful wisdom of the Great Azar. A slight flicker the moment she had come to realize that Arella, the woman she was barely acquainted to, was her birth mother. And for the longest time, Raven assumed there couldn't have been warmth greater than the kind emitted from her friends. But what she had with Slade, it was far different, a new level of depth added to clarity and richness.
Slade had taken love much for granted. Raven knew it, and Slade had as well, but neither would openly admit or attack the point. The dark sorceress had seen his mind, knew his memories and life. Instead of relying on Adeline to put to rest all of his skeletons from the war and from the experimentations done upon him, he had chosen to give into his notions and head further to darkness. Loosing Adeline was the result. Since then, Raven saw that Slade had known, even forgotten, love.
But for her it was different. She had never truly experienced this degree of companionship…hell; Raven had hardly broken the level needed to qualify a relationship as a friendship. All of it was new and unsettling to her but in an "oh so" wonderful fashion. The changes were quick to spot inside herself. When before she had shied from contact so often from everyone, she found herself settling into and expecting the light touches given by Slade. Raven knew this to be a result of her empathy, and never in her life had she been so thankful to have the ability.
The same effects were present in Slade. Perhaps not in the same way, but they were. He couldn't find it in him to out right push her away. More often then not he was pulling Raven in closer to him at odd times. It had been years since he willingly placed someone so inside his circle of protectiveness with his guard down, that the very prospect intrigued and confused him. And he knew that Raven knew this as well, for every time he tried to pursue inquires into the matter, she would distract him from such thoughts, just as he would take her from hers.
Though neither could deny it. They both knew and felt the looming shadow overhead, creeping ever so closer. Raven's destiny was nearing, and both felt its effects. For Raven, it was more a physical stress. Her nightmares never lessened but only grew in strength. The lack of sleep was evident in her motions; fatigue was evident in her face. It was hard to consciously give much anything deep thought when some unnamed whisperings from her father danced through her brain.
Those nights that she would awaken terrified and distraught were spent in Slade's arms, under the sheets of Slade's bed where the distraction was sent upon a more physical level. It was those nights that seemed the most bittersweet.
Raven crinkled her nose at the thought while her eyes steadily swept the shelving of books. She enjoyed Slade's study. It was nothing like the one kept within Adeline's home. That, as Raven had noted during her walk through of the abode, was filled with books containing the arts. Music books, art books, but her select choice in literature had seemed few and far between. Raven absently walked through Slade's memories. Both Grant and Joseph were artists, though Joseph more primarily. Slade on the other hand, his study was filled with the classics. Great writers were stored upon these shelves…
Hemmingway.
Yeats.
Dante. Machiavelli.
Poe. Shakespeare.
Thoreau. Dickenson. Austen.
And Kafka.
Raven paused in thought and step. Without consciously giving the action thought, her fingers were all ready running along the spine of The Metamorphosis. How many sleepless nights had she spent curled in her bed, this book in her hand, reading about the dreaded life that became of Gregory Samsa. How he had somehow been transformed into this dreaded, disgusting vermin that was no more than a burden to those around him. Many times Raven had liked to believe that the story as degenerative and tragic as it was, could have been resolved if only his family looked past what he was and tried to communicate with him. Raven felt a kinship to Gregory.
"The Metamorphosis."
Raven had felt his presence longbefore the moment Slade entered the room, aware that he was observing her. It was a comfortable sort of feeling, a hovering protectiveness that made her slightly feel a cat was in her presence. The very feeling brought a rare smile to her usually frowning lips. There was definitely a soothing grace about it.
"You should know" Raven's hand dropped from the bookshelf. She half turned her body towards him in acknowledgment. "You charred my copy months back."
She watched him silently for a moment, knowing that he must have been accessing the memories of hers burned into his brain. It had become such a natural part of both of their lives it was uncanny. They truly knew each other like a well read book, better than any other duo on the planet. It only seemed cemented by the bond she had formed emotionally between them. Despite how either side had fought against it, they were both one.
"Ah, yes. That I did," Slade noted, recalling the time he had invaded her private chambers. Out of all the things that were set on fire that night, her book was the only thing left with damage. Casually he took a spot by her side, standing in an attire of ease and comfort, nothing like the dark and sleek suit he wore as the titans' arch-foe. Softly he slid an arm around her body, fingers teasingly brushing across her breasts. There was that touch Raven anticipated each time he was near.
He leaned on top of her, smothering her in warmth. "You can keep it if you want."
"Hmm." She nodded in affirmation. "Why?"
"It's the end of the world I doubt that I will be missing it." His tone was indifferent, cool and callous like Slade could be. But Raven knew better. She could feel the bitter hatred welling inside him, and Raven couldn't blame him. He would be crushed when she became the portal, when she would die and a newer, darker version of her self would fill its spot.
It was unsettling, knowing that she would harm him in such a way and so unintentionally. And for that, Raven couldn't have been any sorrier. Regardless of the feelings they harbored, it was still unavoidable. She would become a powerful demoness, and Trigon would surely force Slade fully into his position as Brother Blood. If things went to plan and Trigon was set free, then the second Immaculate Conception would occur, the one deeming her and Brother Blood to conceive some new demon ilk.
Raven shuddered at the thought. She a mother, even as a demonic mother, was something she wished never to cross her mind again. Heaven help the one who was her child.
The slight tremble that had rushed down her side hadn't gone unnoticed by Slade. His arms wrapped tighter around her, pulling her closer into his body. "Cold?"
"Just thinking" she off-handedly replied.
Slade mocked a worried groan. "The world is always damned when women say that."
Raven's lips twitched down into an irritated frown, her hand slapping the side of his leg in scorn. "You're about as funny as Beast…" Her voice trailed, pouting lips fading to a look of mild concern and alarm. It had started again.
Slade and Raven's week together had been filled with rather intricate, intimate moments that could be described as soft and tender. Their guns had been put in their holsters, safety on, while they had remained at a truce where they had enjoyed each other. It still was a week filled with some form of pain or another, and this had been it.
Her powers played a role in the portals coming. More then ever her powers seemed to go through periods of up and down reserves. Slade had previously displayed that forcing Raven through periods of endurance training had given leeway for her powers to grow. Where at the first example, Slade had forced this endurance training on her physically; this had begun to occur naturally. At random times during the previous days Raven would become static with built up energy, all of which she would painfully release to exhaust herself. They never happened at her will, and when they occurred, she avoided speaking of them with Slade despite his presence while they happened.
The pains had begun within a day of their initial confession and resolve to indulge in the proverbial calm before the storm. They always began with a mild cramping, a warning sign to Raven that something worse was coming. And now that sensation was warning her of its nearing arrival once more.
Slade, as if he sensed it's coming, tightened his hold around her, preparing to brace the two of them for it. Curtly he instructed, "Deep breath."
Raven did as was told, finding it a soothing relief to have Slade guide her through the obstacle. At first the cramping was bearable, as it always had been. But then it increased in pressure, radiating from the small of her back and up her spin, through her limbs and body, but settling into a knotting ball within her abdomen. The cramps turned into dull aches, the dull aches grew into stabs of pressure, and the stabs grew into immensely sharp pain.
"…Slade…!" she breathlessly gasped, a hint of hurting in her voice.
Her knees buckled and gave way beneath her and Raven fell solely into Slade's body, her only support. Abruptly her pale skin began to bubble up with the hint of red, symbols burning to the forefront of her skin with definition. Her eyes were clenched, body doubled over with her arms wrapped tightly around her gut. The feeling always concentrated the strongest there, as if some rippling mass was trying to peak and part her in two. Raven didn't need to wonder how the portal would open. She knew. There was no mystery behind that. It was there, clear as day, her father's portal would form from an epicenter in her abdomen. Whether the scriptures of the Blood Clan were true or not containing the idea she would give birth to a Brother Blood's child, there was one thing that was for certain: Raven was going to give birth to this portal.
What mattered the most was that Slade's presence at her side was beyond appreciated, the comforting affects of his body encompassing her in a protective embrace was greatly welcomed. While in his arms Raven found it almost all right to whimper at the current onslaughts of her body. It was all right to moan and groan as she concentrated that built-upenergy slowly into a ball of darkness. It was all right to whine as she used the last bit of her strength to disperse the energy slowly and safely as light tremors through the ground. And when it was over, she melted back into Slade's chest, exhausted of her endeavors.
Nestling up into him, Raven offered Slade a thankful look on her sweating, panting face. Slade's expression remained fixated in a frown as he stared back down, nodding dismissively, almost absently. Thus Raven closed her eyes, continuing to pant until her breath would return. When it felt like she was returning to a normal heart rate, Slade wordlessly scooped her up, heading in the direction of her bedroom.
No doubt bearing witness to these spurts of energy left Slade with a heavy weight. He had admitted with all honesty at that breakfast meal he was conflicted with the thought Raven would be no more. A metal fist had ensnared around his organ, his heart, and the pressure from its tightening squeeze never lifted. Seeing these attacks only reminded both of them of the future, giving them reason to advert their eyes of the matter. Raven knew it in the way his emotions thrummed from him, and Slade could always see it in her eyes.
Despite that, both kept face to some degree. Slade, as always, was callous and cold, but never really leaving Raven outside arms reach. Raven kept her dry wit and cynical humor about her, but never tried to mask the fatigue and the fear that was evident in her presence. That Slade had known was a gift to him, much like his attempts to keep her near. Instead of trying to man the task of harboring such emotions on her own, she was willingly and openly sharing them with him. Slade humbly took the gift for what it was worth and ignored the presence of it in the place of slandering it.
He entered her room, using his foot and leg to close the door behind him. Taking the most direct route, Slade took her to the bed, laying her worn body down upon the mattress.
Without opening her eyes, Raven wetted her throat and spoke quietly, wisely, "I can't stay here any longer."
She opened her eyes to look at him, clearly tired and worried. Slade showed no outward surprise to this, but Raven detected the astonishment in his thoughts. That swiftly turned to realization, and ultimately acceptance. Her eyes closed. He understood, and they both knew that whatever sort of fake paradise they contrived between them was coming to an end. Tonight.
"I'm surprised you hadn't left sooner, actually." Slade's distinctive tone filled with cleverness shined "The energy can easily be detected from any given machine. I wouldn't be surprised if your friends came busting down my doors any moment now."
"…," she breathed out in response. "…"
"Wake up, Raven." Slade eyed her sternly. She willed one eye open to return the look with an irritated expression of her own. Then, her eye closed again. "I will not spend our last night being ignored."
Raven's lips pulled down in a bored presentation, trying to obtain the comfortable banter they held. "You had a week; I think you can give me five minutes." Already she could feel her energies beginning to pool together to replenish what was expelled. It would still take time to get back what she had lost, though. It always did.
However, Slade wouldn't be deterred if he could get away with it. With little grace he hopped upon the bed, rolled over and on top of her, pinning her beneath him. "Raaaaven…" His voice sent shivers down her spine.
With an expression that could have only been reserved for Beast Boy on his most annoying days, Raven parted her eyes and glared back up to him. Yielding to whim rather than thought, she ordered strictly, "Off."
Suddenly Slade's neck blazed and the older man cringed. For a moment he fought the blazing charter mark with surprising endurance, his face skewed in concentration, the skin red from effort. Then he collapsed, pushing and falling over to his back and off of her, his chest heaving as he mimicked Raven's earlier panting. He didn't hesitate to glare back at her.
With some effort, Raven pushed back and eased herself to sit up. Looking back down to him, she expected he do the same. That look was met with an arrogant raise of his eyebrows, and Slade remained where he lay. This only caused an exasperated sigh to rise from her.
"Why are you doing this?" she pointedly asked him.
"Doing? Raven, I'm not doing anything" Slade assured her, sternness in his tone.
Raven glared at him, insistently, silently that he answer. Like a man, he shrugged as if he truly had no clue what she was asking about, and she sighed once again. Raven dismissed the matter for the moment, having yet to clarify what she truly meant. It was a trivial matter…at least to some degree. She had wanted to know what began this for him. Why had Slade decided to serve her father? Raven suspected the true reason, of course, and his memories offered a great deal up behind his reasoning. Despite these things the direct memories spent solely between Slade and her father were diluted, undecipherable. Again, the matter was trivial, unimportant, but still a nagging presence in her mind.
His large hand brushed a moment against her leg, catching her from her darker thoughts, forcing her not to linger. Her attention was pulled back to him as that same hand reached for one of hers. There he squeezed it, looking up to her with a neutral face for once. "I meant what I said, Raven. About tonight."
"I'm tired," Raven half-admitted, half tried to argue against what he was suggesting.
"Then let me do all the work." Slade rolled over to his front, taking her hand within the other as well. He raised her slender digits to her lips where he kissed the knuckles. Then he rubbed a cheek against them affectionately, tenderly, this time his tendencies holding some sincerity to them.
Raven breathed slowly, trying to caution herself, finding it difficult to really indulgethe matter any deep thought. Her hand moved in his, palm resting on his cheek before trailing it down to his white goatee, where her fingers teased it gently. While she pinched and tugged at his facial hairs she tested what he truly felt. This time his actions were with passionate cause, truly something to take the pain away from the impending departure. Wordlessly,she nodded her agreement.
The dark magus eased herself back down onto the mattress, closing her eyes and giving Slade the consent he had so desperately wanted. Using great care he moved to remove her shirt, tugging it slowly from tucked pants, inching it upward and above her body. Her hands, half-struggling from her recent power release, pulled the shirt he wore up a degree before Slade removed it himself. She went for his pants next, going only as far as unbuttoning them for him, again relying upon him to take them off on his own. Lastly her jeans were taken off; a little more speed used this time in the anticipation of the event.
At that time Slade wiggled the covers from beneath Raven's body and hoisted them around them both. Then he lowered himself on top of her, undergarments still intact, and started to invest the time in paying attention to Raven. As he said, the work would be all his doing, and if she didn't have the tension built, her time would hardly be enjoyable.
His lips lowered first upon her forehead, resting casually upon the ruby red gem embedded into her brow. From there they traveled down her nose, slowly, leaving simple touches down the way. As he met her mouth there was more of an eager response, a need to participate to some degree. While their lips were busy, his hands roamed, fingers trailing up her sides and past her ribs. Her body flexed beneath his, muscles rolling with tautnessunder the guide of his touch. Digits pried under straps, feeling the skin beneath, loosening them off her shoulders gently. Their lips broke as Raven lifted slightly to unclasp the brazier. Once loose she grabbed behind his neck and pulled him back down on top of her, their mouths meeting once more.
Slade's hands continued to roam, feeling forbidden flesh freed. Raven's moan was easily cooed to continue. This time he broke the kiss between them, choosing to divert the action of his mouth, nose leaving trails of breath down her cheek and across her neck. There his lips nibbled the edge of her lobe, that hot breath tickling her pleasantly. Instantly she curled, wiggling as her mouth opened with a gasp. His hands moved to her shoulders, pinning her in place as he continued his loving administration. Her own hands had reached up to wrap around to his back, hands clenching and pawing at his skin, inexplicably in sync to the wonderful waves of passion her empathy detected. It was enough to fill her with joy, with comfort, to awaken and instill her own, that bond stronger than ever.
His lips continued to trace down ward, this time kisses more persistent and stronger down her neck, a hint of suckling behind each one. Finally as he reached the center where her clavicles met, he lifted just slightly reaching under the covers. Raven nodded silently, allowing his hands to fall down to remove the last of her clothing, and the last of his. When he lowered back down, they truly began to make love. Each of his movements passed euphoria between the two, each allowing for just the actions to speak for themselves without words. In time the two were clutching each other at their pinnacle, easing down in the safety of each other's arms.
Slade placed a kiss atop her head, breathing slightly harder than usually. Softly, in a voice no louder than a whisper, "Feeling better?"
Raven nodded with exhaustion. "Yes."
His hand stroked her back. "Good girl."
Silence fell upon them, an understanding fatigue evident in their posture. Raven snuggled up further into him, enjoying his warmth, loving his smell. Closing her eyes and allowing herself the tiniest of content smiles, Raven simply enjoyed the moment of absolute freedom. On the buzz of endorphins, she asked him gently, "You never answered my question."
"Which one was that?" Slade asked, squeezing her back, also caught up within the momentary serenity.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you working for my father?"
Slade's hold upon her loosened. His body moved, repositioning itself so that he could look down on her. She looked back up and met his gaze with a look of honest concern, desire for that very knowledge of which she asked. He was not as willing to yield the information. With wandering eye, he muttered, "I believe you know the answer to that."
"But I want to hear it." Insistence was in her voice. When Slade looked back to her, he knew the pleading that was present in her face. Begrudgingly, as if he was doing a most detested chore, Slade forced out, "Figure it out yourself."
It was too soon for this. They had just made love, they were striving to contain the moment, and he was destroying that with his stubbornness. He was pushing her away, forcing whatever they had built the past weak into just that, the past. Raven frowned up at him, not in irritation or a scowl, but in sorrowful disappointment. Instead, she went a different route entirely.
"Let me see it."
"What?" There he went again. Denying any knowledge as to what she was talking about.
"I want to see behind the illusion. For real this time." Raven looked hard at him, trying to see past the skin and muscle to the skeleton hiding beneath. "And not as just some scare tactic." Let me in. Let me see behind all the masks.
The usually masked antagonist bolted upright, releasing her from his hold. For a moment, he stared down at her and studied her face, deciphering what she had really wanted. Slowly, his expression seemed to soften if but slightly before it melted away entirely to expose the truth beneath. There he was again, in place before her as the dream of every horror nut in the world. This time Raven was prepared for the sight and smell, and neither managed to hit her as they had initially. Instead, she watched him with unrelenting cold and scrutinizing lavender eyes. His entire body was left untouched by her sight. His legs, his hips, his chest, and his face where, burned into the very bone, therewas the mark of her father.
Delicately she rose to meet him and reached her hands up to smoothly touch his face. Slade shirked away, his shriveled, coal-like eye glared back with a burning gaze—Raven tasted his furious anger for asking such an act of him, as if in shame.
"I could fix this…" Raven murmured, pale digits reaching to touch him again. This time fingertips met charred bones, and Slade gingerly flinched. Slowly she traced the mark with gentleness. "If this week meant anything to you if you would just let me remove his mark and side with me, I could fix this."
There, she had offered it to him. An opening, a chance of hope. It was why the matter of his servitude to her father was trivial. That didn't matter if he welcomed her entirely into him. With his help, surely there would be some good to come of such a desolate future. Her friends may be saved; she could keep this lifetime with Slade, even if Trigon destroyed the world.
His response, however, was more than chilled to the bone. "You can fix nothing. You haven't the power." Slade spat it with such venom, rubbing it in that moments ago she could barely breathe as a result of the endurance discharge. "I'd rather stick to an employer who can put out."
You don't mean that. Raven felt her chest constrict. Swallowing, saving her pride, Raven mumbled, trying to appeal to his sense of logic, "Trigon won't pay you"
Slade continued to do what Raven had been doing her whole life. He proceeded to further push her away. The portal would open whether he liked it or not. And when that did, his heart would shatter for such an attachment he was forced to carry. By doing this and doing what was asked of him in the future he would not only ensure a lighter conscious but gain back something valuable as well.
"He'll pay me." Slade said it almost tauntingly, proving he could disown her feelings at the drop of a hat. "I'd no sooner kill you if he threatens our deal."
Raven felt a crack in her heart. Her throat tightened as soreness took hold of it. Unknowingly her features began to constrict into a glare. Hurt, she icily returned, "Glad to know you care."
"Don't act so surprised," he said darkly "I've been forced to side with both parts of a family feud. And it's always been as I said: we hate to love and love to hate each other."
"Then stop doing this" Raven ordered "I know what you're doing because I do it all the time." She suspected Slade's mind was dipping into the psychic imprint of her own. It was the last effort of her own mind, clawing to some sense of hope that whatever heart-shattering impact was to come could be prevented. "Stop pushing me away while I'm here. Give me that respect."
Slade silently scowled, his skin slowly reforming and rebuilding back upon his skeletal remains. But he remained without another barb, all ears waiting for her to continue. His resolve would remain firm, as it always had. The one-eyed villain had made his choice, and Slade would be further damned if he strayed from that.
"You keep saying we hate and love each other. Whatever it is, so be it. We've become a part of each other, our minds are so integrated it's hard to tell who we are anymore." Raven's glare broke into a pleading expression. Much like Slade's, her features softened. Easily, she allowed her emotion be seen by him...it was resignation. Resignation to fate, to the love she had felt for him all week. A display showing that it was all right for him to do the same, to open himself to the weakness as she was so selfishly doing.
"All I've wanted was for all of them to be safe…now, I also want you spared from whatever you'll see. I…I placed a burden on you Slade. No one should see what I'll be like if I survive what's to come."
"Stop it" Slade demanded. "I know this all ready."
"I know you know." Raven winced at his voice. "It's just…even if my friends are gone, if I'm gone…I can save a part of myself through you." Her eyes darted to her hands. Resting around her fingers were the rings of Azar, the very rings she'd worn for weeks now, and the very rings whose power held some sway to Trigon.
"It's a mortal desire to live on, to leave something behind to state I existed. The world may be destroyed," her eyes wavered at this, tears hauntingly awaiting the permission to fall, "but I don't want to be remembered for that. You carry everything about me Slade. My heart, my life… through you I can be preserved for the sake of others…"
Raven continued. "And for that you'll need protection."
Delicately she began to ease the rings from her fingers. They had served their purpose long ago. For a while they had managed to soothe and bring ease to her soul in these dark hours. But now their full affects seemed lost to her, and that was disturbingly clear as of late. No one could be spared from Trigon's wrath…yet… somehow; maybe if by some miracle her friends managed to survive…a piece of her could be given to them. Some defense could be supplied to them.
She took Slade's now fleshy hands and placed the rings on his fingers. "I won't be myself for much longer Slade. Should the others manage to save themselves I know I'll eventually go after them. I need you to protect them." She attentively pushed his neck inscription to the surface; there was no way he could step out of this now. "I need you to protect them from me."
Slade stared, first at her, and then hatefully to the rings now positioned on his fingers. His first feelings were of disbelief; then they were replaced by a burning anger, and ultimately hatred. After all they had done the past week, she had dared to force him to take her down should the need arise. It would kill him knowing she was the portal, now this? A vile look spread across his features as he raised an arm in outrage. In mid-swing he stopped himself, knowing all to well he would be unable to hit her outright. Instead, he glowered darkly towards her.
Raven watched back with disconcerting unease as he threw the covers from his body and stood, hands gathering up his discarded clothing.
"I expect you to be gone in twenty minutes. The next time you see me..." He turned to stare straight into her face. No longer was the caring, loving side of Slade present, only hatred. When he spoke again, there was a foreboding reckoning in his voice. "I will be coming for you."
The door swiftly closed behind him.
AN: You're welcome for your smut.
In actuality, I had difficult writing the two having sex without going too far. I've never read romance novels. God know I tried once and couldn't get through it. So I really have very little reference to go by in making those scenes good, but not entirely raunchy.
I'm also proud of this chapter over all, although I feel I may have cheated everyone of that missing week of Slaven down time. But I wanted to try excluding any pointless filler chapters if I could help myself with this fic.
And now we know how Slade received the Rings of Azar. It had been an issue in the show's plot that had bothered me. Just where had Slade gotten those, anyway? Of course, I bet all of you are starting to wonder why there are two rings, when in the show Slade only has one? That's my secret for now.
Apologies are in order for the next chapter since I really don't like the most of it. But it is all necessary.
And last but not least, another big thanks to my beta/grammar reader: Kendra Chetnova.